Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[Rodneytrotter]

If your auntie had been the only full time carer, then maybe you could consider it.
You only have your father’s word that everyone else has given up their share.

I would take the money, put it in a savings account and wait and see if the others really have made over their share and if she really needs it.
Then decide. There is no rush to do anything.

Thanks, my gran was in a nursing home and the fees took up a lot of the inheritance so there wasn't much left in the pot to inherit apparently. I'm beneficiary of 25% and my auntie has 75% now that everyone else has given up theirs (she would have had 50% anyway).

My other gripe is that they didn't even contact me to tell me she had died and id have been happy with some photos or brooches which were never offered.

 

[Bettyboo2475]

Thanks, my gran was in a nursing home and the fees took up a lot of the inheritance so there wasn't much left in the pot to inherit apparently. I'm beneficiary of 25% and my auntie has 75% now that everyone else has given up theirs (she would have had 50% anyway).

My other gripe is that they didn't even contact me to tell me she had died and id have been happy with some photos or brooches which were never offered.

I'm sorry, I agree, put the money to one side and let the emotions settle, ignore your family and remember you are entitled to what your gran left you.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I'm sorry, I agree, put the money to one side and let the emotions settle, ignore your family and remember you are entitled to what your gran left you.

Thank you. It has been emotional. Ive been scared to look at my phone this week for fear of what I'll receive next. And when I respond they all talk about it together and then I get a reply from another one. My husband has said he will talk on my behalf from now on at least.

 

[Bettyboo2475]

Thank you. It has been emotional. Ive been scared to look at my phone this week for fear of what I'll receive next. And when I respond they all talk about it together and then I get a reply from another one. My husband has said he will talk on my behalf from now on at least.

I think that's good, i find my own voice in my head torments me with what ifs and criticism as if it isn't hard enough already. Your husband is lovely to step in and protect you. Stay strong. Xx

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

Family members have been coming for me big time this week.

My grandma has left me some money in her will. I'm getting texts and emails from family members including narc dad saying that my gran had wanted to change the will so that my auntie receives it all, except my gran ended up with dementia and didnt have chance to change it. Apparently others have given up their share for my auntie and want me to do the same. I'm estranged from my family so not sure whether to trust what they are saying.

Any advice? My husband has messaged my dad and told him to cease contacting me about this.

Eta i wasn't estranged from my gran and she had written the will about 20 years ago.

I'm going against the grain here compared to what others have said - keep the money and forget everyone else. As someone who was coerced into giving away my inheritance from my Gran to my parents, I say duck everyone else. You have no proof that others have given their share for your Auntie and quite frankly that's on them. Your Gran left you that money so enjoy it and it is nobody's business but yours what you do with it - it is legally yours and everyone else can go hang. I have zero fucks left to consider anyone else and you should do the same. I wouldn't trust anyone else in this scenario.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I'm going against the grain here compared to what others have said - keep the money and forget everyone else. As someone who was coerced into giving away my inheritance from my Gran to my parents, I say duck everyone else. You have no proof that others have given their share for your Auntie and quite frankly that's on them. Your Gran left you that money so enjoy it and it is nobody's business but yours what you do with it - it is legally yours and everyone else can go hang. I have zero fucks left to consider anyone else and you should do the same. I wouldn't trust anyone else in this scenario.

No I think this is good advice too. I really just want a peaceful life and it's not my fault my gran left me money. I don't know whether they'll dispute it and take it to court. I really just want nothing to do with them but they always come out of the woodwork....

I'm sorry you were coerced into giving up your inheritance. I know how easy it is to be manipulated into things.

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

No I think this is good advice too. I really just want a peaceful life and it's not my fault my gran left me money. I don't know whether they'll dispute it and take it to court. I really just want nothing to do with them but they always come out of the woodwork....

I'm sorry you were coerced into giving up your inheritance. I know how easy it is to be manipulated into things.

They can go to court, but as legally the money was left to you, it would involve a long and protracted court case - do they have the time and money to pay legal fees? I suspect not. Family and money can be an evil mix and to this day giving up my inheritance is my biggest regret - don't let it happen to you - you deserve it.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

They can go to court, but as legally the money was left to you, it would involve a long and protracted court case - do they have the time and money to pay legal fees? I suspect not. Family and money can be an evil mix and to this day giving up my inheritance is my biggest regret - don't let it happen to you - you deserve it.

Thank you so much. This has made me feel a bit braver. And a reminder that strangers on the internet are kinder and more supportive than my family

 

[Drea1984]

Take the money. Every penny. I am sure you have earned it.

 

[no-no]

Got sucked into making a big effort for my mum’s milestone birthday as my brother is NC (and a prick) and there’s no one else. Got her lots of gifts, made a tonne of effort and thought I’d order some flowers to be delivered today. Even though she’s not much of a flower person it’s nice to get a box.

She just called so excited like it was the best surprise ever, I thought she was going to thank me but she thought they were off him! Ouch. She didn’t read the card just jumped to conclusions. He’s not spoken to her in years. I have to take her for a meal tonight now and just don’t want to bother. More fool me (again).

Tbh I don’t regret it as I would’ve felt guilty either route I took but it stings when she has always clearly favoured him because he’s a son and she has no self respect with him. Time to work on boundaries again, it’s a timely reminder she’ll never change and always consider me less than because I’m a daughter. When you’re feeling vulnerable you can get sucked back into the hopefulness phase.

 

[griftalo]

I'm going against the grain here compared to what others have said - keep the money and forget everyone else. As someone who was coerced into giving away my inheritance from my Gran to my parents, I say duck everyone else. You have no proof that others have given their share for your Auntie and quite frankly that's on them. Your Gran left you that money so enjoy it and it is nobody's business but yours what you do with it - it is legally yours and everyone else can go hang. I have zero fucks left to consider anyone else and you should do the same. I wouldn't trust anyone else in this scenario.

Even if they have given up theirs who cares?! I hate this manipulation around money in families. Go and do something really amazing with it.

 

[HMC]

Take the money. Every penny. I am sure you have earned it.

I completely agree with this! Don’t let a bullying family take it from you.
Oh and change your number too

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I completely agree with this! Don’t let a bullying family take it from you.
Oh and change your number too

Thank you, I wasnt sure whether they need my number for me to receive my inheritance? I'm not sure how it arrives.

 

[Mollywobbles]

Thank you, I wasnt sure whether they need my number for me to receive my inheritance? I'm not sure how it arrives.

If a solicitor is dealing with it it will be sent directly to you. They will probably ask for your bank details.
If you know the solicitor, contact them and ask what is happening. You don’t want the family giving them your “details”

 

[Rodneytrotter]

If a solicitor is dealing with it it will be sent directly to you. They will probably ask for your bank details.
If you know the solicitor, contact them and ask what is happening. You don’t want the family giving them your “details”

No I have no idea who the solicitor is and I have nobody to ask who would tell me. My auntie who wants all of the money is the executor.

 

[Brightstar72]

it is legally yours

I agree. Your Auntie has apparently 75% just smacks of greed to want your share too tbh.

We had something similar with my partner’s family and his family did contest it, up to high court stages. Luckily, it didn’t actually get there but it was pretty much to the wire.

People get pound signs in their eyes and common sense is thrown out of the window where there’s a will and money involved. It’s stressful and not what you need when you’re grieving the loss of a grandmother either, best of luck with it all.

Edited to add: have you seen the will? Normally, it has addresses of beneficiaries contained within it.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I agree. Your Auntie has apparently 75% just smacks of greed to want your share too tbh.

We had something similar with my partner’s family and his family did contest it, up to high court stages. Luckily, it didn’t actually get there but it was pretty much to the wire.

People get pound signs in their eyes and common sense is thrown out of the window where there’s a will and money involved. It’s stressful and not what you need when you’re grieving the loss of a grandmother either, best of luck with it all.

Edited to add: have you seen the will? Normally, it has addresses of beneficiaries contained within it.

Yep, ive also lost my mum (her sister) but they dont care about that. I have seen the will, it doesn't say any addresses for any beneficiaries.

 

[Mollywobbles]

No I have no idea who the solicitor is and I have nobody to ask who would tell me. My auntie who wants all of the money is the executor.

Wills need to go to probate.
That means the executor completes forms saying how much money, assets, etc and then swears to carry out the wishes. The will is then lodged with the courts and you can get a copy of it for a few pounds.
Your aunt may not the the only executor, there maybe a solicitor as well. I suspect this might be the case as you have been “asked to sign over your share”
Banks will not release any moneys without the probate certificate.

I’ve been through this with a family member who managed to “forget” about some valuable jewellery when doing probate.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Wills need to go to probate.
That means the executor completes forms saying how much money, assets, etc and then swears to carry out the wishes. The will is then lodged with the courts and you can get a copy of it for a few pounds.
Your aunt may not the the only executor, there maybe a solicitor as well. I suspect this might be the case as you have been “asked to sign ove
Banks will not release any moneys without the probate certificate.

I’ve been through this with a family member who managed to “forget” about some valuable jewellery when doing probate.

Oh thats so sneaky to forget the jewellery but sadly it doesn't surprise me!

I bought the will from the gov website a couple of months ago and probate had been granted. Auntie is saying that my gran would have wanted her to have it all. Only she isn't saying this to me directly she is sending other people to tell me including my dad who she knows i dont speak to. She knows he will intimidate me.

It's my mum's share that I'm receiving. My mum died of cancer years ago and my gran specifically states in the will that if my mum has passed before her then she wants me and my brother to have her share. My gran had many years to change her will if she actually wanted my auntie to have everything and exclude me.

I had an email from my brother saying that he is giving her his share.

 

[Brightstar72]

Yep, ive also lost my mum (her sister) but they dont care about that. I have seen the will, it doesn't say any addresses for any beneficiaries.

I’m so sorry for your losses.

I agree with the previous poster re: probate there’s always more than one executor to a will and often, the second executor is the firm of solicitors who’s dealing with the estate. Often, there’s a named individual within the firm too.

I know how stressful this can be and I really hope that you’re okay and can get to the bottom of it all.