Thank you so much . It annoys me that she has a solicitor who must be on her side if they've advised her to ask me to waive my inheritance. Because I can't afford one and I wouldn't be able to afford to lose money if it went to court.
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@Rodneytrotter
I wonder if you'll be able to find the solictor here, you can put your gran's name in, hopefully her details will come up and the solicitor
I wonder if you'll be able to find the solictor here, you can put your gran's name in, hopefully her details will come up and the solicitor
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They may not have advised her. She may have told them it was your Gran’s wishes and asked them to do it and they are obliged to do so.
But if you don’t have to agree to it and they must do what is in the will
Thank you, I've had a good look but it's not there unfortunately
Ah, Rodders, that’s rough and I’m sorry. Had your mum not predeceased your gran would your mum have left her share of your gran’s money to her sister or to you and your brother? Exactly. Sorry your aunty and dad are being dicks. The money’s yours. Not easy though, is it.
Thank you
no it's not easy. I was living quite peacefully being NC but they always come out of the woodwork. Thank god for my husband and for the people on this thread 
I’m a week in to barely talking with my mother after she went off at me on Good Friday over me merely proving that she was wrong about something. It was an innocuous tiff where I was able to prove that she was wrong about something really ridiculous. Then it turned into me apparently disrespecting her because whilst she was ranting at me, I was driving and told her to shut up because I needed to concentrate. I accept that I shouldn’t have said that but I was that taken aback my legs were physically shaking, I felt shaky and I just wanted her to stop so we could get home.
She then said that I’d ruined what was a nice day, how manipulative I am, pointing out all the things she knows I am depressed about. (I have severe social anxiety and depression), gaslight and accused me of doing all things that I hadn’t even done.
Next day, she comes to me and says “come on” to try and resolve the issue and make peace with me. No apologies over what she said. No acceptance that she was wrong. No sorry for saying all the things she knows really really hurt me. I apologised for telling her to shut up. Then asked her simply- do you accept you were wrong? I could have let it go but one of my main issues every time we argue is that she has no accountability for her role. “No because I don’t care”. I don’t care about it either but it’s the narcissism for never saying sorry for the most stupidest of things that I can’t move on from. So I asked her to please leave me alone as I don’t want to argue with her. I’m just done. I don’t have the energy or the headspace for it. She refused and then went off at me again. This time saying “let’s pretend we like each other” which again has really really upset me. She’s my mum- I bloody love her but for her to say that to me has just killed me.
Not sure why I’m putting this here really. Part of me is questioning whether I’m overreacting and should have just made peace when she told me to “come on” but then I don’t think I am? I think the reason it’s upset me so much is that I accessed CBT therapy to help my anxiety and depression and one of the main things I learnt from it was “would a person who cared for you say all of the negative things you think about yourself? Well, my own mother directly said all the things I’m insecure about directly to my face and clearly believes them to be true of me so it’s just affirmed everything I think about myself. I don’t think I can come back from that.
She then said that I’d ruined what was a nice day, how manipulative I am, pointing out all the things she knows I am depressed about. (I have severe social anxiety and depression), gaslight and accused me of doing all things that I hadn’t even done.
Next day, she comes to me and says “come on” to try and resolve the issue and make peace with me. No apologies over what she said. No acceptance that she was wrong. No sorry for saying all the things she knows really really hurt me. I apologised for telling her to shut up. Then asked her simply- do you accept you were wrong? I could have let it go but one of my main issues every time we argue is that she has no accountability for her role. “No because I don’t care”. I don’t care about it either but it’s the narcissism for never saying sorry for the most stupidest of things that I can’t move on from. So I asked her to please leave me alone as I don’t want to argue with her. I’m just done. I don’t have the energy or the headspace for it. She refused and then went off at me again. This time saying “let’s pretend we like each other” which again has really really upset me. She’s my mum- I bloody love her but for her to say that to me has just killed me.
Not sure why I’m putting this here really. Part of me is questioning whether I’m overreacting and should have just made peace when she told me to “come on” but then I don’t think I am? I think the reason it’s upset me so much is that I accessed CBT therapy to help my anxiety and depression and one of the main things I learnt from it was “would a person who cared for you say all of the negative things you think about yourself? Well, my own mother directly said all the things I’m insecure about directly to my face and clearly believes them to be true of me so it’s just affirmed everything I think about myself. I don’t think I can come back from that.
No you're not over reacting and the fact that you were shaking shows the affect that she has on your body. My body does this too around my dad.
A healthy mum wouldn't joke about having to pretend to like you or say awful things about you.
It's a personal choice to go no contact and a really hard one. But if you did it might be the best thing for your anxiety and depression.
Thank you for your reply. It’s an awful feeling isn’t it? I hate how one person can have such an impact on your well-being. I wasn’t sure if it was shock to the disproportionate attack or the words that she chose to say to me. Probably both.
Unfortunately, I can’t go no contact as I live with her. I can’t afford to leave so it’s not an option. I’ve been isolating myself as much as possible so as not to provoke another reaction and being civil if she asks me any questions but this isn’t exactly helping the depression and anxiety. I feel physically sick and feel so ashamed of myself. My face has flushed bright red with the stress of it all and Ive just been replaying it all in my head. It was just so unexpected and unnecessary. I don’t see why she can’t just apologise. It was sparked but something so bloody silly. Just saying sorry would help us move on from it but as it’s lingered on for so long I think now even if she did apologise it would merely be a token apology.
I'm always plagued by the thought that I'm imaging the behaviour of my parents towards me over the years, I've just found a document on my laptop of my birth experience with my youngest. He's 7 this week, so I'm feeling all nostalgic, however its just proved to me that all my thoughts about my parents behaviour are true. But why do I doubt myself when there are these reminders everywhere.
Basically what I was wanting to say is that its bloody hard feeling like you're just not enough, and when I walked away, they didn't stop me, and never did stop me. My heart is breaking all over again, even though I'm no contact I still have to see them, I feel some latent responsibility to go and see them still, and maybe I'm hoping somewhere that they'll be pleased to see me. Quite often i'm not and I'm left destroyed for a few days. I'm visiting my Dad tomorrow, and dreading it.
Basically what I was wanting to say is that its bloody hard feeling like you're just not enough, and when I walked away, they didn't stop me, and never did stop me. My heart is breaking all over again, even though I'm no contact I still have to see them, I feel some latent responsibility to go and see them still, and maybe I'm hoping somewhere that they'll be pleased to see me. Quite often i'm not and I'm left destroyed for a few days. I'm visiting my Dad tomorrow, and dreading it.
Ah your feelings are pretty normal. I often fantasise that my dad is pleased to see me/ proud of me, or even that he realises what he's done.
I hope tomorrow goes ok. Although if it goes okay it can leave you confused about whether you got them all wrong, and then you go back, and then they break your heart all over again. How much time do you have to spend with him tomorrow?
He's in a care home, and the last time we went was awful. He just has let himself go completely, I don't want to go or take my kids to see him like that. It's traumatic but my brother has left Easter eggs and a birthday card for my youngest there, don't know why he couldn't post them. So am being forced to go. My husband is coming too, I no longer want to visit either parent without him. After tomorrow I won't visit again. Have to do the same with my mum, same story completely. They want to see the kids, not me, never me xx
I'm glad you have your husband to support you
I don't suppose husband could go in his own to collect them? Once you've seen them for the last time you can start to heal. I had therapy once I went NC and it helped a lot. I don't understand the reasons for it, but I completely relate to them only wanting to see the kids! It's the same for me.
My husband is lovely, had a wonderful childhood and can not understand why I'm treated like this. He still says they're your parents, you should go and see them. I don't blame him at all for his view, however he does see the effect it has and he just cannot understand why. What sane person would.I'm glad you have your husband to support you
I don't understand the reasons for it, but I completely relate to them only wanting to see the kids! It's the same for me.
He won't go in on his own because I don't honestly think he realises what it's like, I'm hoping if he sees what it's like he'll understand why I don't want to go again.
He makes me feel like I'm making things up, even though he's witnessed 10 years of this. If it's dillusional to him, then this is why other family members do the same to me. I'm the bad person. Thank you for listening and commenting, I know you understand xx
Just came across this piece of text on Tiktok and it kind of makes sense
"I’m slowly learning that even it I react, it won’t change anything, it won’t make people suddenly love and respect me, it won’t magically change their minds. Sometimes I t’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers and don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from. I’m slowly learning that life is better lived when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you and center it on what’s happening inside you instead.
Work on yourself and your inner peace "
Instagram/Tiktok: Stoicdreams
"I’m slowly learning that even it I react, it won’t change anything, it won’t make people suddenly love and respect me, it won’t magically change their minds. Sometimes I t’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers and don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from. I’m slowly learning that life is better lived when you don’t center it on what’s happening around you and center it on what’s happening inside you instead.
Work on yourself and your inner peace "
Instagram/Tiktok: Stoicdreams
You have every right to protect yourself against your mother and her manoeuvres. I have had years of this attitude from my mother. I love her because she is my mother, but I certainly don’t like her. You deserve to be treated with respect. Being you mother doesn’t allow her to treat you like this.
Oh yeah it's hard for people who haven't been through it to understand. I've learned not to try explaining to people because for me it's hard enough having to go through all of this without having to hear 'but they are your family'. And also some of it cannot be explained and can sound petty even though it's not. Someone on here once said that it is like death by 1000 cuts and that was a good analogy I thought.
Thank you. I think it’s hard as this is one of the few times in a long while where I’ve actually put in boundaries and almost stood up for myself? I’m quite passive normally, and will do anything to keep the peace (almost to a fault!) but I’m coming to realise that maybe the problem isn’t just me anymore. I’m not being treated with a basic level of respect and I don’t think i deserve that.
I just find it so frustrating that she can’t just apologise. It didn’t need to be this blown out of proportion. Like just apologise? It’s not hard- I’m the one who is socially anxious but I have no problem accepting when I’m in the wrong and will hold my hands up whenever I’m at fault. I genuinely think she thinks it’s a bad thing to apologise as that will mean accepting she was wrong. Historically she has never apologised and come to think of it often thinks that she doesn’t need to apologise as she’s “always right”.
I could understand if she’s reluctant to apologise to me if I was the type to hold it over her but I’m not. I’m a apologise and move on kind of person. I just want her to say “yes I was wrong about the original tiff, I’m sorry for what I said and how I treated you afterwards, it was uncalled for”.
Saying that though, I don’t think I can ever forget the “let’s pretend we like each other” which I think I’ll always hold on to. I don’t think I can trust her anymore.
The stress of this has caused me to break out in a rash all over my face so any advice on that would be great! I can’t work out if it’s a stress reaction or just because I feel so ashamed of myself.
These messages up thread reminds me of my mum a bit too. She’s also the type who will never apologise. It’s really frustrating. When I still lived with her (until I was 29 
) it could be hellish, I won’t lie we would have some absolute slanging matches at times, in fact I think it got worse as I got older because I so badly wanted independence and we are such different people. I’d end up in my room absolutely beside myself having panic attacks and she would never once be the one to come to me and want to reconcile and move on. She would stonewall me / give silent treatment, be passive aggressive - you know the drill. It was always me who would have to initiate an apology and even when I did she would never acknowledge her part in the whole thing or say the words “I’m sorry”. It’s maddening.
She’s also the same with saying ‘thank you’, it’s quite bizarre really. She will basically force you to thank her for something but if the shoe is on the other foot she just will not say it. In fact she once said to me that she didn’t need to thank me for doing things because I’m her daughter?? Okay does that mean I am completely undeserving of gratitude?
What is everyone’s opinion on it, is it some kind of power play?
@FlipFlop0706 I’m so sorry your mum is like that with you. It really hurts when someone point blank refuses to see that they’re in the wrong or take responsibility for a part they played in something. I’m not at all surprised you would rather be low contact with her right now. You need to think about self preservation and look after your own wellbeing first and foremost! 🩷
) it could be hellish, I won’t lie we would have some absolute slanging matches at times, in fact I think it got worse as I got older because I so badly wanted independence and we are such different people. I’d end up in my room absolutely beside myself having panic attacks and she would never once be the one to come to me and want to reconcile and move on. She would stonewall me / give silent treatment, be passive aggressive - you know the drill. It was always me who would have to initiate an apology and even when I did she would never acknowledge her part in the whole thing or say the words “I’m sorry”. It’s maddening.She’s also the same with saying ‘thank you’, it’s quite bizarre really. She will basically force you to thank her for something but if the shoe is on the other foot she just will not say it. In fact she once said to me that she didn’t need to thank me for doing things because I’m her daughter?? Okay does that mean I am completely undeserving of gratitude?
What is everyone’s opinion on it, is it some kind of power play?@FlipFlop0706 I’m so sorry your mum is like that with you. It really hurts when someone point blank refuses to see that they’re in the wrong or take responsibility for a part they played in something. I’m not at all surprised you would rather be low contact with her right now. You need to think about self preservation and look after your own wellbeing first and foremost! 🩷
Thank you, sounds like you have the exact kind of tricky relationship that I have. My mum is very controlling. Ive always kind of gone with it as she was a single mum and if controlling stuff made her life easier and less stressful then it didn’t really bother me. Now though I'm slowly realising how bloody difficult it is to now put down boundaries etc and not just let things go because she says so when I’ve let it go this way for so long.
Interesting, my mum rarely says thank you as well. I think she’s said it a few times when I’ve really gone out of my way to do something (and always within earshot of other people) but if I make her a cup of tea or something minor like that then I don’t get an acknowledgment. As you say she thinks she shouldn’t have to say it as I’m her daughter but god forbid I don’t say it to her. I think it’s kind of a power play in that they expect you to be subservient to them because you are their child? It’s almost like we are expected to hold them in a higher regard of respect just because they are mothers if that makes sense?
I keep telling myself that I can’t make her apologise but it doesn’t help the hurt I feel. Does she not care? I can’t help but bloody care even though I’m the wronged party here. Even if she did apologise to me now I think it would be for ulterior motives or just to stop this atmosphere between us. She wouldn’t mean it and I won’t fully get over what she said so really we’re at a stalemate.
Love to you all, thank you so much for your support. I was worried I was overreacting but you’ve all made me feel like I’m doing the right thing by going low contact and protecting myself as much as I can. Makes me feel less alone right now x
Interesting, my mum rarely says thank you as well. I think she’s said it a few times when I’ve really gone out of my way to do something (and always within earshot of other people) but if I make her a cup of tea or something minor like that then I don’t get an acknowledgment. As you say she thinks she shouldn’t have to say it as I’m her daughter but god forbid I don’t say it to her. I think it’s kind of a power play in that they expect you to be subservient to them because you are their child? It’s almost like we are expected to hold them in a higher regard of respect just because they are mothers if that makes sense?
I keep telling myself that I can’t make her apologise but it doesn’t help the hurt I feel. Does she not care? I can’t help but bloody care even though I’m the wronged party here. Even if she did apologise to me now I think it would be for ulterior motives or just to stop this atmosphere between us. She wouldn’t mean it and I won’t fully get over what she said so really we’re at a stalemate.
Love to you all, thank you so much for your support. I was worried I was overreacting but you’ve all made me feel like I’m doing the right thing by going low contact and protecting myself as much as I can. Makes me feel less alone right now x