Thanks! It's good to know I'm not alone. We seem to clash all the time. It just doesn't seem to get easier.
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A flying monkey who has been ignoring me for 6 months randomly sent me a happy birthday text yesterday. I replied to say thanks but it's made me suspicious 
I was thinking last night about how I could never go to my dad's house and do something nice with him without his sly digs and cruel comments. Either about my weight, my job, clothes, car, house, the way I bring my children up, racist remarks about my black friend. When he said these things I would be so hurt and angry but I was brilliant at masking and would just change the subject and pretend to be fine. I learned as a child that if I dared to stand up for myself I would be verbally ripped to shreds.
I told a friend recently that I had stopped contact with him. She was pleased and said she always remembered he was a nasty man. But as a child I always stood up for him and hated anyone saying anything against him.
I was thinking last night about how I could never go to my dad's house and do something nice with him without his sly digs and cruel comments. Either about my weight, my job, clothes, car, house, the way I bring my children up, racist remarks about my black friend. When he said these things I would be so hurt and angry but I was brilliant at masking and would just change the subject and pretend to be fine. I learned as a child that if I dared to stand up for myself I would be verbally ripped to shreds.
I told a friend recently that I had stopped contact with him. She was pleased and said she always remembered he was a nasty man. But as a child I always stood up for him and hated anyone saying anything against him.
That’s the crux of the problem isn’t it? As children we are hardwired to love our parents no matter what. We need them to survive. We see then as extensions of ourselves.A flying monkey who has been ignoring me for 6 months randomly sent me a happy birthday text yesterday. I replied to say thanks but it's made me suspicious
I was thinking last night about how I could never go to my dad's house and do something nice with him without his sly digs and cruel comments. Either about my weight, my job, clothes, car, house, the way I bring my children up, racist remarks about my black friend. When he said these things I would be so hurt and angry but I was brilliant at masking and would just change the subject and pretend to be fine. I learned as a child that if I dared to stand up for myself I would be verbally ripped to shreds.
I told a friend recently that I had stopped contact with him. She was pleased and said she always remembered he was a nasty man. But as a child I always stood up for him and hated anyone saying anything against him.
So when they are cruel or nasty we believe it’s something wrong about us instead, because we can’t afford to reject them. We can’t bear anyone pointing out their nastiness until we have the emotional bandwidth to see it for ourselves.
And even long after we’ve stopped being kids, I think that love is always there. That desire to have unconditional love from our parents.
The closest I ever got to unconditional, parental love was from my grandparents. And even then it’s just not the same. I honestly think a part of me will always grieve the absence of a loving mother and father. It’s not uncommon at all, sadly.
But we roll with the punches. Parental love isn’t the only type of love out there. We can find love in friendships, relationships and we can maybe heal some wounds by being the parent we never had to people who need it. It’s not the same but it’s a balm on the wound.
I think I’ve run out of resilience. I’ve gone through my life always trying to maintain a sense of “well what if things get better tomorrow?”. I don’t think that is there any more. Just once I’d like someone to look after me. My dad wasn’t the best dad or even around much but I know that he loved and actually liked me and he’s gone, my mum is the one left and im
No contact with her for my sanity. I’ve always been able to have a plan, I’ll just keep on, keep moving, next steps. But now it’s like what’s the point? Nothing gets any better. I’m so tired, everyone expects 100x more from me than themselves.
No contact with her for my sanity. I’ve always been able to have a plan, I’ll just keep on, keep moving, next steps. But now it’s like what’s the point? Nothing gets any better. I’m so tired, everyone expects 100x more from me than themselves.
has anything specific brought this feeling on?
when I felt this way (thankfully I haven’t in a while) I’d go for a nice walk in nature, get a coffee and have a treat, then watch a funny TV show that would make me howl with laughter and take my mind off it.
I think you’ve got to ground yourself in the moment and not waiting for tomorrow for things to get better, but appreciating the good things as they are if that makes sense.
I understand that craving of someone to take care of you. But you can take care of you.
You sound emotionally exhausted and if no contact makes sense right now, don’t feel guilty for a second that this is the right choice by you. Take care to nurture yourself. Sending hugs xx
Sorry to hear you feel like this
it can be very emotionally draining, I can relate and have posted on here before about my brother and my sister (I know it’s related to parents but I couldn’t find a thread for it) my brother in particular has used me a lot recently and like you I just ran out of steam, was fed up of being on egg shells around him and as of right now I’m currently no contact with him and I have to say it’s the best thing I’ve done to protect my mental wellbeing, my sister has also been vile and judgemental towards me, so again no contact with her too, I feel hugely at peace since doing it and not so on edge, so I would say do what feels right for you and put yourself first always if nothing else it will give you some much needed headspaceI’ve been fighting for the last few years to get my kids needs met, I’m in what I realise is a dreadful relationship and one of my kids decided to say all the negative things I’ve had put on me by my family over the years, while my “partner” was shouting at me about a cardboard box the other day. The fact they saw someone being abusive to me and jumped in to kick me as well has really hurt me. Same old insults - I don’t have a job, our house isn’t nice like other peoples… yet I can’t ask them to do even one job to help out or to keep their own room tidy. My partner isn’t a decorating type, if it wants doing I do it. Even changing a lightbulb is on me. I’m the only person who has any initiative, my partner would walk around in the dark for two weeks and still do nothing .
My partner can’t even remember why he was angry about the box now, I told him and he’s said it was out of order but my kid is ignoring me and has been gone since yesterday . I feel like I’m surrounded by people who can’t communicate honestly or fairly.
when I met my partner I just wanted peace and to be a team, figured we’d get married one day and I felt like we had similar values. I imagined holidays and days out but most of it has been hardship and loss.
I’ve achieved stuff for my kids over this time don’t get me wrong ( all ND - as I am) but it’s harder and harder to find any joy. There was a lovely older man locally I used to talk to out and about, he was so like my dad, so funny and intelligent, I loved our conversations, and he died a few months ago, you know when someone isn’t necessarily a friend but they’re a part of your life? I’ve found that hard. I just want to feel sometimes like someone is excited by something I am, or has thought deeply about something and can discuss it with me. I go from day to day with no meaningful adult discussion.
I have a weird health condition and could just die any day so that hangs over me anyway but I just don’t want to feel like “I thought it would be better than this”. I keep trying to improve stuff, all the time, but some of the time I just want to leave everyone. Over the years a lot of friends managed to emigrate so I have very few people left. We have no help with our kids so no adult social life at night. It’s just all got on top of me, I’m sleeping badly which makes me feel suicidal after a few bad nights generally (but I know it’s the sleep) , stress always makes my sleep disorder worse but I never get enough deep sleep anyway.
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Thank you. I’ve been no contact for a few years. She undermined relationship with my older child and I just wish I’d seen what she was doing sooner, but I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my ex then and I was just surviving. You get narc parents then you choose narcissistic partners. We need more education about this so younger people can choose better. I just had no idea.
there’s a lot to unpack in your posts! I guess you are maybe looking to vent rather than asking advice?
A lot of the stuff you mentioned are within your power to change. Your relationships, your loneliness. Not easy, obviously, but I think some narc victims have been conditioned towards “learned helplessness” and loose sight of the fact they have agency over their lives now. Just a gentle reminder.
Hope everyone is doing okay. I can't complain at the moment as I'm coming up to a few years NC and life is pretty peaceful. Once the flying monkeys are back my mental health will no doubt take a dive, so I'm just enjoying the peace whilst I can....
I was watching Junior Bake Off yesterday with my daughter. On the last day they have the children's families there to watch the final. I noticed that the parents all greeted their child with a kiss and a big hug. I thought aww that's lovely my parents wouldn't have even cracked a SMILE for me
I was watching Junior Bake Off yesterday with my daughter. On the last day they have the children's families there to watch the final. I noticed that the parents all greeted their child with a kiss and a big hug. I thought aww that's lovely my parents wouldn't have even cracked a SMILE for me
I’m very similar with my parents. My dad wasn’t perfect and passed away in the summer. I spent years NC and regret it because I made a monster out of him in my head. He’s a flawed person but he did love me very much and I regret my actions. We made up and I saw him lots and told him I loved him in his final months and I hope that was ebough.
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I need a rant:
My mum was (is?) an alcoholic and this has led to her being bed bound and incontinent.
Part of me thinks she somehow engineered this to happen as she loves to be a victim.
She has LA carers who she’s abusive to. She says they steal her stuff and are horrible to her. She refuses to adapt the house so that they can bathe her so hasn’t washed in 2 years she says.
She rings me to complain about the carers and didn’t extend any words of sympathy to me or my brother when our dad (and her ex) passed away.
She could do so much to help herself like get her house adapted and ring occupational health to get some therapy to get her out of bed. I’m sick of having the same conversation with her. I’ve told her not to be abusive too.
It’s beyond frustrating. I have a full time job and she rings me during the day as if I’ve got nothing else on.
She’s done so many crappy things to us when she’s been drunk and sober and yet I am still there for her. I can’t quite go no contact because I’d feel so bad.
I want to be a good human but I think i might somehow be enabling her by taking her calls and listening to her.
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Without sounding rude. It’s not your job to be your mums private counselling service where she rings you at beck and call and expects you To listen. This isn’t fair. Relationships are all about balance. It’s unfair on you.
You’re right. She gives nothing back. Just takes and expects attention and doesn’t listen when I disagree. I don’t know what to do apart from go NC for a while.
I used to be so close to my mum, but the past few years it’s like something switched in her head and she’s become such a horrible person.
She accused me of abandoning her when I went to uni. She accused me even more of abandoning her when I moved in with my boyfriend. She takes everything as criticism and cries about everything. She screams at me and my brother that we’re cruel and selfish. Then she calms down and expects us to forget like it never happened.
I’m on permanent egg shells with someone I used to be so close to. I don’t get it. It makes me sad as I hate being around her now. Literally the most minor of things will have her screaming at you and badmouthing you to the rest of the family.
It’s really affecting my mental health at the moment. Like how can your own mother say such vile things to you.
She accused me of abandoning her when I went to uni. She accused me even more of abandoning her when I moved in with my boyfriend. She takes everything as criticism and cries about everything. She screams at me and my brother that we’re cruel and selfish. Then she calms down and expects us to forget like it never happened.
I’m on permanent egg shells with someone I used to be so close to. I don’t get it. It makes me sad as I hate being around her now. Literally the most minor of things will have her screaming at you and badmouthing you to the rest of the family.
It’s really affecting my mental health at the moment. Like how can your own mother say such vile things to you.
Is there a possibility she could have dementia?
She’s in her early 50’s and is functioning totally normally. But my Nan was a huge narc and ended up getting dementia so some genetic traits there
Has anybody dealt with a family member with pathological lying issues?
My sister has always had serious issues with telling lies, but the final straw for me is just finding out that she has been faking cancer for the last couple of years. I just can’t take anymore, and I’ve blocked her for the final time. She still can’t admit it, and she lashes out and gets so incredible aggressive when confronted (calmly) with the truth.
I’m also interested to hear about any tips for going non contact. I’ve tried blocking her over the years but she rings me on withheld number or on other people’s phones a lot. I feel so nervous every time I look at my phone or my email that she will somehow find a way to send a message through.
I hate that family can be so awful.
My sister has always had serious issues with telling lies, but the final straw for me is just finding out that she has been faking cancer for the last couple of years. I just can’t take anymore, and I’ve blocked her for the final time. She still can’t admit it, and she lashes out and gets so incredible aggressive when confronted (calmly) with the truth.
I’m also interested to hear about any tips for going non contact. I’ve tried blocking her over the years but she rings me on withheld number or on other people’s phones a lot. I feel so nervous every time I look at my phone or my email that she will somehow find a way to send a message through.
I hate that family can be so awful.
Really need to rant. Long story short my parents allow my younger sister (in her 30s!) to do and act however she wants and will always side with her. Always have.
My sister lives NEXT DOOR to my child’s school. Last week the school had to close due to a burst pipe. Myself and my husband were at work. I called my sister to ask if she could go get my child. She didn’t respond for about 15 minutes.
I saw she’d read my message so rang again and she said “no I’m in bed” so I asked if she was ill and where her kid was and she said “downstairs with husband, no I’m just asleep”. I explained the situation and said it would be really helpful if she could go grab him as I’m on the other side of town. She said no and put the phone down.
I didn’t even mention it to my parents as I was so angry and nothing was going to change. However she mentioned it to my mother under the guise of “what a gall she had to ask ME to go pick up HER kid” and my mother said “well it’s not really her issue is it” and that was that. I assure you if I’d refused to collect one of her children I’d have had a personal call from my mother detailing what a terrible person I am.
Mind you this is the woman who politely asked me not to have another kid because sister would end up having one (she copies everything I do) and my mum can’t cope with the drama that would bring.
My sister lives NEXT DOOR to my child’s school. Last week the school had to close due to a burst pipe. Myself and my husband were at work. I called my sister to ask if she could go get my child. She didn’t respond for about 15 minutes.
I saw she’d read my message so rang again and she said “no I’m in bed” so I asked if she was ill and where her kid was and she said “downstairs with husband, no I’m just asleep”. I explained the situation and said it would be really helpful if she could go grab him as I’m on the other side of town. She said no and put the phone down.
I didn’t even mention it to my parents as I was so angry and nothing was going to change. However she mentioned it to my mother under the guise of “what a gall she had to ask ME to go pick up HER kid” and my mother said “well it’s not really her issue is it” and that was that. I assure you if I’d refused to collect one of her children I’d have had a personal call from my mother detailing what a terrible person I am.
Mind you this is the woman who politely asked me not to have another kid because sister would end up having one (she copies everything I do) and my mum can’t cope with the drama that would bring.
I’m no contact with my mother and brother, I don’t answer numbers I don’t know or with held numbers, I never have.
If someone needs you, they will leave a message. If she texts or emails you, delete it. Take back the power!