Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

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cee-bee

yep, it’s hard. Going NC is easier said than done.

his loneliness and lack of people in his life isn’t your responsibility though. And the guilt you feel is probably a mix of being an empathetic, kind person… but also probably because you’ve been conditioned to take responsibility for crosses that aren’t yours to bear.

big hugs, and know you’re not alone in feeling this way and grappling with this
 
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Rodneytrotter

Thank you, I actually reached out a couple of months ago via email (still cross with myself for this) and he responded "I'm not interested". And yet I still feel guilty!

You're right the conditioning is strong! Hope you are doing ok too
 
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Kittylover2019

I haven’t kept in contact with them. I’m NC with my mum and my brother his wife and my neice. Also NC with my MIL, SIL and her kids.

Believe me when I say I could write a book on all the shit I’ve endured over the years but I’m much lighter without them in my life.

Someone once asked me if it was me that was ‘the problem’ no, it’s just that I don’t take any shit anymore. If you don’t bring anything to my table you’re gone.

It’s well over ten and twenty years respectively.
 
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allthingschocolate

Thankyou that’s really helpful and appreciate you taking the time to reply, I’ve always felt like an outcast where my brother and sister are concerned, as I’ve said previously they have met up a few times and not included me in anything, always feel so left out and like I’m just not good enough other than to look after my bothers dog and as for my niece she’s a spoilt, entitled madam, brought her gifts for Christmas and not even a thanks, I’ve also never had a good relationship with my sister who is a full on narcissist and I cannot stand her husband honestly done with them all I think your right I will feel better and lighter without them in my life not that they bring anything positive to it
 
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Rodneytrotter

I just thought... my gran recently passed (none of my family contacted me to tell me). I was on speaking terms with my gran and know she has left me something in her will. Does that mean I will have to speak to relatives? I'd rather not receive anything than have to speak to them.
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Just realised this makes me sound really money grabbing. It isn't meant to.... I'm just panicking about one of them contacting me.
 
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EllsBellsWells

You should be able to buy the will from the gov website, and it should tell you who had been appointed as the solicitor and if it’s a solicitors firm handling the paperwork, that will be named on there too. You can contact the solicitors directly then, and if you were worried about just looking like you were only interested in the money you could instead ask about a particular item or keepsake of your Grans that you’re interested in. Here’s a link to search probate and then buy the will-


Search probate records for documents and wills (England and Wales)

Search online for a will, grant of representation or probate document for a death in or after 1858
www.gov.uk

This way might mean you have some control of the situation rather than living each day worrying that they’re going to contact you out of the blue. I’m really sorry for your loss, it’s really sad that nobody told you.
 
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Rodneytrotter

Thank you so much! I have just ordered a copy and if I am.a beneficiary I will contact the solicitor and let them know that there are communication issues and to contact me directly if possible. I have just discovered my gran's house for sale on rightmove. I've taken screenshots for memories. I'm gutted because I would have loved some old photos but I'll never get them now.
 
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EllsBellsWells

You are very welcome. Just a thought, but if you can get to her house you could book a viewing and maybe get to see it one last time? Just don’t tell them who you are, make up a fake name and after they’ve shown you round ask if you can wander round on your own before you leave? Most agents let you do that. But it might feel strange to visit it, just a suggestion if it helps you take some more photos.
 
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Mollywobbles

Or get a friend to book and go with them
 
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Rodneytrotter

Aww thanks for the idea, I always imagined that when my gran died I'd be able to go and look through photos and take some or maybe even her old crochet patterns. From the photos I can see that the whole house has been gutted. I have no idea why these family members aren’t even talking to me. Except for the fact that I no longer talk to my toxic father and they pity him.

The gran I'm talking about who died is actually my late mum's mum and she hated my dad because he bullied my mum. But this side of the family told my dad that she had died but not me. They told him where the funeral would be and not me. It's just all so unfair. He clearly has more rights to my blood family than I do! i know he's probably played his victim card. But I'm better off without them anyway.

ETA: that turned into a mini rant sorry

Also my dad used to call my gran 'a god bothering paddy'. But yeah he gets to find out that she's died and I dont.
 
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Bettyboo2475

I have been trying to cut ties with my family for nearly 8 years, I physically moved but stayed in touch as my parents are elderly. I'm 48 and have definitely experienced some horrible things via my parents and my brother. But I have times when I think surely it's not that bad. Like I'm in denial. Is this a thing?

Both my parents are ill, my mum with Alzheimer's dementia and my dad mobility issues. The guilt I feel for choosing myself is sometimes overwhelming but I have 2 little boys and I'm trying to be the best mum I can and to do that I need to go no contact.

What do I do if one or are seriously ill? I'm expecting my mum to pass next year
 
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allthingschocolate

Posted this on an other thread so apologies for repetition but thought it may be more appropriate for this one. I’m so annoyed, had a big fall out with my brother that lead up to Christmas Day hence this resulted in me not going to his, had a pretty awful Christmas due to this hanging over my head, anyway long story short he rang me on Christmas Day (to make an unjustified point) and this resulted in him upsetting me and my Daughter on Christmas Day, I sent him a message to say he has upset us and to not bother calling me again, as usual heard nothing back and no reply to my message! so basically have gone no contact with him and his wife since, my daughter has told me today that my brother has messaged her dad (my ex husband) on Christmas Day (as she wasn't with me) to ask if she was okay and has proceeded to then fill him on the family argument! I am fuming a) it’s none of my ex husbands business and b) to be fair to my ex he’s told my daughter he didn’t respond to my brother’s message regarding our fallout/argument as he didn’t want to get dragged into the mess (fair play he didn’t ask for it) but why the hell does my brother feel it’s appropriate to do that! I keep my life private from my ex as we don’t really talk (unless we have to) my brother has shown little to no respect for it, decided to go no contact with him although I have the overwhelming urge to message him to say wth are you playing at?!! I feel it would be no use messaging as he would likely ignore me and it wouldn’t solve anything so I sit here fuming about it instead! but I literally hate my brother for causing me so much hurt and pain and yet I have done so much for him but not any more why are families so flaming difficult
 
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Keikochan

Your bro knows what he is doing, he is trying to piss you off. Don't lower yourself to his standards or fall for his tricks. Do not contact him about this. You told him not to contact you, he is throwing a childish tantrum for attention.
 
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Rodneytrotter

Aww I'm sorry you had to deal with that at Christmas. Probably he felt he was losing control when you stopped contact so he's trying to manipulate how people (your ex) perceive you.

You're right he shouldn't have involved your ex, it's between you and him.
 
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allthingschocolate

Keikochan said:
Your bro knows what he is doing, he is trying to piss you off. Don't lower yourself to his standards or fall for his tricks. Do not contact him about this. You told him not to contact you, he is throwing a childish tantrum for attention.
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Thankyou so much for the advice I am definitely not going to give him the satisfaction of contacting him even though i am extremely annoyed and upset with him, from what my daughter has told me, my ex also did not appreciate being dragged into it either my brother is a real narcissist, really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me
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Thankyou totally agree with everything you have said and I will also not be contacting him either, gutted the way things have turned out but so fed up of being used and treated like crap it’s time I cut him out of my life once and for all (been a long time coming) Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me
 
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Bettyboo2475

Keikochan said:
Your bro knows what he is doing, he is trying to piss you off. Don't lower yourself to his standards or fall for his tricks. Do not contact him about this. You told him not to contact you, he is throwing a childish tantrum for attention.
Click to expand...
Your brother sounds a lot like mine, toxic and you'd be better off just ignoring him. They aren't as powerful as they think they are.
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Rodneytrotter said:
I now have one more family member who isn't speaking to me anymore because I'm NC with my dad.
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I understand, it's horrible but you deserve to be treated with respect and if you've decided to go NC with your dad then stick with it. Surround yourself with people who love you x
 
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knickerbocker glory

Hi! I'm really struggling at the moment. I have 2 children one who is in their mid 20's (who lives and works in London) and 18. The eldest I have never clashed with, the youngest I get nothing but arguments and grief. If I ask her to help at all, I get told no. What I think I'm asking is - do you get on more with one child and not the other?
 
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Rodneytrotter

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone on this thread. I dont think anyone can understand what it's like to have families like ours apart from us. Going NC has been life positively life changing for me, but there are still difficulties that come with it and for me this thread is a lifeline
 
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Kittylover2019

I do at different times, the boy is quite steady so usually plain sailing. The girls, it chops and changes, the younger one though (almost 18) is the one which takes more effort generally.
 
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