Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

Nadia Vulvokov · Jul 18, 2023

Hi everyone, hope you're all doing OK and taking care of yourselves. Been reading some of your posts and sending light to all of you who need it.

I've not posted for a while as been busy navigating my daughter though her GCSEs and looking after my own narc mother under duress after a major operation. I've found caring for her, cooking for her, cleaning and visiting her a real strain both mentally (as it's goes against my instincts) and physically as I have ME, which flares up intermittently. But, she hasn't got a partner and my brother, her son, also passed 18 months ago so I feel a sense of obligation and empathy toward her.

Anyway, it's making me very conflicted and pressured, and in all honesty unwell. Thankfully she's on the mend and seems to be a lot more mobile the last few days so the pressure is easing somewhat.

I'm just sad today, as yesterday I received my final grading for my degree (2:1) and it's a miracle that I got through it as covid hit me hard, as did the loss of my brother and raising a teenage girl with emotional needs on my own.

I text our family group last night to tell them I'd passed my degree, and all I get back from my mum was a 3 word text. This isn’t about me wanting praise or attention. I'm just feeling sad that I've pushed myself and exhausted myself to look after her and I'm just realising yet again that I will always get the bare minimum from her. I can't speak to her as she shuts down, or changes the subject. Or uses her favourite line 'I don't like confrontation' even if I'm speaking calmly.

Where do I go from here? She's still not 100% better, I'll be expected to carry on looking after her and just keep quiet. But I'm drained. She said she will call me today (I'm taking a day to myself) and if she does I will be gracious. What else can I do?

Sorry this is long, thanks for reading and I know having pride in my achievements is an inside job. It's difficult to put into words what I expected, but maybe been disappointed too many times now.

Chandler Bing · Jul 18, 2023

cee-bee said:
my dad was horrendous growing up, constantly walking on eggshells around him, he really didn’t seem like he liked me as a person, he treated us like burdens etc. he made it very clear as a teen, when I stayed with him after my parents divorce, he didn’t want me there long term.

so when I hit 18 I moved miles away for Uni.

and just as I was starting to enjoy myself for the first time, busy with new friends, a course I’m enjoying and truly happy for the first time…

he’s baffled as to why I never call him and claims to be hurt and indignant. whether I was enjoying my life or not seemed largely irrelevant to him.

over the years it’s just been one big strop over why I never call

he’d continue to do hurtful things (sometimes to punish me, I’m convinced). Play me off against my siblings, play the triangulation game. Compare me. I’d just ignore it and keep our contact minimal.

It baffles me that this man who treated me with contempt, can’t recognise why I’d run a mile as an adult and can’t see why I wouldn’t carve out one to include him in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.

he’s recently offered to contribute a fair amount of money to our wedding fund… we’ll see if he follows through, but I figured I’d try and build bridges and tentatively invited him to a food tasting.

a couple of weeks after confirming he’d go, he drops out with some bullshit excuse. I’m not even upset or annoyed. But I find it so bizarre, even now, how he can casually let me down without an apology, after agreeing to attend. I hate letting people down after giving them my word.

it’s like he expects me to show enthusiasm and an outpouring of love and invite him with open arms into my life… and if I don’t then he strops or shrugs it off and let’s me down. He doesn’t understand that that’s just not how it works.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand his mentality.

a part of me thinks; this is his ego. Being rejected by me is a blow to his ego. A part of me wonders if maybe it is love for me but it’s a skewed way of showing it? Sadly, I think it’s more the former than the latter. I was a burden and an inconvenience until I left home and made a life for myself, and then I became an affront and a slap in the face because I wasn’t constantly seeking his validation and approval.

for most parents, you’d have thought they’d just be content knowing their child is happy, even if they don’t call as often. Not my father.

Don't take the money.

My narc dad deposited a (smallish) sum of money into my account before our wedding. He saw it as "an entrance fee", and thus come and terrorise me all he wanted. To the point that I spent the entire time hiding in the ladies toilets.

I didn't invite someone he wanted me to, and he spent the 3 months leading up to the wedding sending me countless abusive emails, abuse over the phone. Told me a million times how he wouldn't come.

Then he shows up on the day at my house. Apparently I was supposed to roll out the red carpet but I was busy so ignored him.

This was nearly 10 years ago, I am trying my best at no contact. But last time I spoke to him, well, let him speak to me is more accurate! Was 6 months ago and he kept going on and on about how badly I treated him on the day. I had had a drink before i picked up the phone and answered his call so i had the balls to say to him "what about the 3 months of abuse you gave me?". Can guarantee if that had been in person, he would have knocked me out. Last week was the first time he tried to call me since then, but I stayed strong and didn't answer.

Maid22 · Jul 23, 2023

Haven't posted in here for a while, but sending loads of to you all.
Has anyone got a toxic sibling? I actually really hate my brother, I wish death on him every day, he's one of the most vindictive, nastiest person I've ever had the misfortune to have had in my life, my older brother took his own life years ago, I miss him big time, and he'd be turning in his grave if he knew the shit I've had to go through with my so called family

Chandler Bing · Jul 24, 2023

Maid22 said:
Haven't posted in here for a while, but sending loads of to you all.
Has anyone got a toxic sibling? I actually really hate my brother, I wish death on him every day, he's one of the most vindictive, nastiest person I've ever had the misfortune to have had in my life, my older brother took his own life years ago, I miss him big time, and he'd be turning in his grave if he knew the shit I've had to go through with my so called family

My brother is a carbon copy of my dad, but I don't fear him as much so it's much easier being no contact with him.

Sending hugs to you (and everyone else on this thread) hope you're ok

Readingismyhobby · Jul 24, 2023

Ablemabel said:
My narc mother died last week. This is brutal, but my experience was that even in advancing age and ill health, things did not change. I was no contact for 5 years but I did go to see her the week before she died. Even then, patterns of behaviour continued to filter through.

We cannot change how someone else behaves. Some people can't/won't change even in the face of things that other people would find shocking (i.e sacrificing having a relationship with grandchildren). All we can do is manage our own behaviour and reactions etc. easier said than done at times and it really does make things quite the headfuck when expectations of how we should behave surround us daily

However no contact helped me. I didn't believe that it would be possible for me to do that for a very, very long time. My anxiety was through the roof before and I finally accepted that absolutely nothing I could do would change matters, I could do nothing right, whatever I did.

I suppose what I'm trying to say (badly) is put yourself first and set and manage your own boundaries and always talk to others because there are many, many of us out there with the same lived experiences.

Thanks for your post. I’m sorry you have been exposed to a narc mother. Mine was diagnosed last week with stage 3 lung cancer. I have spent years protecting myself against her, and no I have this.
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Rodneytrotter said:
Sorry, but I just need to talk to people who understand.... It's been 2 years since I went no contact with my dad, which, once i'd come to terms with everything, has been peaceful! However today I received a letter from an aunt saying that she knows I no longer speak to my dad and when she asked him why he said "he doesn't know". She went on to say that if I dont tell her then she can't help me.

I have no idea why she thinks I need her help or why it's any of her business why I'm not speaking to him? I'm really upset to hear that my dad said he doesn't know why we don't speak. It almost feels like he's done nothing and I'm just a cruel person who is not speaking for no reason. Or that I went through all of that just for him to claim 'he doesnt know'. It absolutely broke my heart to go no contact but it was the right thing to do. This letter has taken me back to a bad place and my anxiety is off the scale

Ignore the contact from your aunt. It’s your dad instigating a “fishing trip”. Keep up with the non-contact, it’s the best way to protect yourself.
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catchinguphere21 said:
Advice needed please..

So my nephews Holy communion is coming up in 3 weeks time... there is a meal booked for afterwards, all family invited .

These are the things that I find really stressful, as my mother will single me out or do & say things to trigger me. I have chosen to look after my wellbeing in the last 2-3 months by being distant. When I told her on phone this evening that my daughters and I would not be going , she turned it back on my saying... you can't do that, your brother will be so disappointed as he has always attended your things (not always) just guilt tripping me here , the usual she then said ... have you not asked "my teenage daughter" does she want to go, or are you stopping her too?

I'm really exhausted by this

She always uses my teenage daughter against me , making out that I'M the problem always. Please can I have advice on how to deal with this situation.

Decide what is the best thing for you to do. My mother is the queen of guilt tripping and it’s an evil way to behave. Speak to your brother directly and tell him what your decision is. Ignore your mother. She is using your daughter as your “weak spot”.

CrimsonCountess · Jul 24, 2023

Ahh glad I've found this thread but hate that so many are all going through the same shit I have been so close to going nc with my parents for a while now, but I don't know why I just can't do it. Every time more shit happens or I get a shitty message from them, I start writing a reply sticking up for myself or calling them out but then can't ever bring myself to do it. I know my life would be so much better without them in it, but it feels like such a big step to take. I know once I did it then that would be it, there would be no going back

Tea4Mee · Jul 24, 2023

Hi Everyone
Not the time for me to share anything right now other than to say after 7 years no contact I let “her” back in - currently re-living a month into discard following the death of my grandma (her mom) and so pissed at myself for forgiving again (and again and again!) but wanted to say thank-you for making this thread,
It’s like reading my life and it’s been comforting to read of others going through similar relatable experiences - lots of love to all of you

HitnMiss · Jul 24, 2023

Maid22 said:
Haven't posted in here for a while, but sending loads of to you all.
Has anyone got a toxic sibling? I actually really hate my brother, I wish death on him every day, he's one of the most vindictive, nastiest person I've ever had the misfortune to have had in my life, my older brother took his own life years ago, I miss him big time, and he'd be turning in his grave if he knew the shit I've had to go through with my so called family

Yes I have one of these. I went no contact with him and his whole toxic family.

unwanted.opinions · Jul 27, 2023

How does everyone learn how to adult when their parents are fucking wankers and never taught them anything? The thing that birthed me and “raised” me did the absolute bare minimum and should have been at the very least sterilised at birth so she didn’t reproduce. Not one member of her blood family want anything to do with her and never have done so that should give you a clue as to what a fucking cunt she is.

Ablemabel · Jul 27, 2023

unwanted.opinions said:
How does everyone learn how to adult when their parents are fucking wankers and never taught them anything? The thing that birthed me and “raised” me did the absolute bare minimum and should have been at the very least sterilised at birth so she didn’t reproduce. Not one member of her blood family want anything to do with her and never have done so that should give you a clue as to what a fucking cunt she is.

Re the adulting - it's very difficult, parenting in particular. I was lucky to have friends with kind parents who let me share in occasions like Bonfire night, Halloween, would take me out for the day, etc. Without them I'm not sure if I would have managed and I still question and second guess myself and worry that I'm not doing things correctly. What I do know, however, is what I should definitely not do! Which helps.

Meringue22 · Jul 27, 2023

My narc mother lived with me for 15 years but due to a change in my circumstances has now moved into sheltered accommodation. My god it has made me realise the shit I put up with for a long time. I have hardly seen her since she left. My choice. I can’t cope with seeing her even briefly. She is so ungrateful and selfish and I notice it even more now! She hasn’t stopped moaning about her new property which is honestly lovely and has much more space than she had here. She moans about everything and is evidently trying to guilt trip me. She said she is waiting for someone to break in and murder her in her sleep She was all smiles when we moved her in but I knew she was faking it! I don’t feel guilty as she has lots of opportunities to make friends. There are groups she can join. Lots of support from staff.
I finally feel like I have my life back. And distancing myself from her is the best decision for my mental health and happiness

Nadia Vulvokov · Jul 28, 2023

Got to go and sit through a lunch with my narc mother now to celebrate my degree. My heart is hammering.

BWGossip · Jul 28, 2023

Nadia Vulvokov said:
Got to go and sit through a lunch with my narc mother now to celebrate my degree. My heart is hammering.

Congratulations! Don't let her bring you down and go treat yourself to something nice after! Celebrate with your friends if you can

Nobody in my family did anything when I got my undergrad, and later grad school, diploma. I didn't do anything special and now I regret it: it's an important day, it should be celebrated properly (don't have to be anything expensive or fancy, just something you like)

Chandler Bing · Jul 28, 2023

Nadia Vulvokov said:
Got to go and sit through a lunch with my narc mother now to celebrate my degree. My heart is hammering.

Congratulations you should be proud of yourself for the achievement, make sure to celebrate afterwards, don't let her suck the joy out of this!

Nadia Vulvokov · Jul 28, 2023

Thank you, it wasn't too bad, food was nice and I spoke to my niece and daughter more than anyone else! Glad it's over. Being so on edge is exhausting!
I've had to help look after her after a long recovery from surgery so I think I've had more than my quota of her lately, she's a lot.

ETA I started therapy on Monday and my therapist had the measure of her from my description almost immediately. I think hearing someone in a professional capacity confirm my mothers tendencies are toxic and narcissistic out loud to me had made me hyper sensitive to her, if that makes sense! You're all so kind on here. Sending light and peace to those who need it xx

Readingismyhobby · Jul 28, 2023

unwanted.opinions said:
How does everyone learn how to adult when their parents are fucking wankers and never taught them anything? The thing that birthed me and “raised” me did the absolute bare minimum and should have been at the very least sterilised at birth so she didn’t reproduce. Not one member of her blood family want anything to do with her and never have done so that should give you a clue as to what a fucking cunt she is.

As a rule I did everything opposite to the way I was brought up. Plus I treated my children as loved people, not nuisances.

unwanted.opinions · Jul 28, 2023

Readingismyhobby said:
As a rule I did everything opposite to the way I was brought up. Plus I treated my children as loved people, not nuisances.

How kids should be raised. Not sure why some people have kids as it’s very clear I’m not the omly one with parents who shouldn’t be a parent.

call.me.coco · Jul 28, 2023

Readingismyhobby said:
As a rule I did everything opposite to the way I was brought up. Plus I treated my children as loved people, not nuisances.

This is exactly what i’m doing.

My mum often told us that she regrets having kids and that my youngest brother was a ‘mistake’. How we have stopped her from having a career. Our home was filthy, I was too embarrassed to ever have friends over. My achievements were dismissed and I was mocked for working hard. She never hugged us or told us that she loved us. Only when I married my husband who had a ‘normal’ home environment did it really hit me how broken my upbringing was.

Chandler Bing · Jul 28, 2023

call.me.coco said:
This is exactly what i’m doing.

My mum often told us that she regrets having kids and that my youngest brother was a ‘mistake’. How we have stopped her from having a career. Our home was filthy, I was too embarrassed to ever have friends over. My achievements were dismissed and I was mocked for working hard. She never hugged us or told us that she loved us. Only when I married my husband who had a ‘normal’ home environment did it really hit me how broken my upbringing was.

Yeah, heard all those things too. I ruined her life. I was a Christmas baby, but she actually wanted a dog for Christmas but was lumped with me instead. She wanted a boy but was lumped with me instead. Everything about me was wrong.

Ablemabel · Jul 28, 2023

call.me.coco said:
This is exactly what i’m doing.

My mum often told us that she regrets having kids and that my youngest brother was a ‘mistake’. How we have stopped her from having a career. Our home was filthy, I was too embarrassed to ever have friends over. My achievements were dismissed and I was mocked for working hard. She never hugged us or told us that she loved us. Only when I married my husband who had a ‘normal’ home environment did it really hit me how broken my upbringing was.

I could have written this!

Much love x

Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

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