Mumsnet #37 Wipe down my cucumber and sanitise my Hovis, I need to get my dicks in a row!

[Serene Serena]

I’m not that stupid- after BIL ran off with the Swedish au pair all our staff have to be 168 months older than me and stick to a strict diet of carbs. I did once catch the lady who does my laundry eyeing up my large salad so gave her 2 weeks notice and changed the locks.

I sacked my housekeeper and nanny on the spot for gross misconduct when I discovered them eating a cherry tomato that was for my lunch.

 

[Mugglewump]

At a hotel in Las Vegas right now for a few days doing our very outing hobby. In the lobby bar last night, a group of people (think males from the UK) were talking and laughing. Nothing crazy. No strippers, they were not drunk, they were not loud. I was wondering if their wives are MNers posting “AIBU to be fummmming that my DH has gone to Las Vegas with his Dfriends and left me home alone with our 217-month old. I go for a spa day every week and go away “with the Dgirls” every month. But I need that because I work so hard. How dare he have fun with his Dfriends once in his lifetime”.

Replies along the lines of “LTB! He is spending time with strippers and hookers instead of time with you and your DC!” And “America! Why did he go there? Doesn’t know they have guns? What if he needs an abortion?”
---

According to Google, Scotland and jersey issue 100-pound notes. Maybe the OP is in Jersey.

They are Dstrippers and Dhookers.
Did you mean to be so rude?

 

[Sunlifeover50]

If Waitrose did one in a F&B mizzle green cup and called it “noodles organically rolled in Henley on Thames withOakham hand reared chicken, Herefordshire corn and Norfolk peas” just add freshly boiled filtered water from the Peak District- they’d be clambering to tell us all they had 17 stocked up on their pantry.

 

[orangehead]

Sadly, the idea of Dettoling the Dettol would be claimed as being their usual routine by most MNers, unlike the filthy skanks who only launder their bedlinen once (ONCE!!) per week.

Sorry? Some people wash their bedsheets once a week? I do it three times a day minimum. If my husband moves around more than twice I wake him up to wash them again in case he has sweated on them.

 

[EffingDust]

Imagine finding out your husband had posted on MN for marital advice

I’d be so dry I’d have biltong flaps

 

[ButtonDownTheHutches]

We’re going to find a sterile lab, dettol it and ourselves, then DH will put on three pairs of latex gloves, each pair dettoled as they’re put on, he’ll ‘deposit’ into a sterile cup and then we’ll use a sterile implement to impregnate me and I’ll have a water birth but it’ll be 90% dettol and 10% water. Then on its 18th birthday we’ll kick it out on the street, go NC and sterilise our home.

Excuse me, this is neither the time nor the place.
Kindly post your filth on LitErotica in the future, or add a trigger warning to your pornographic posts.

 

[Girl#7]

At the great risk of being considered a smug teeny-tiny back in the day, I was 6st12lb when I started work at 16. I was 5'4" tall. I was skinny, always had been and attracted a lot of comments on how skinny I was from being a small child. My entire family is like that though - skinny. We ate healthily, plentifully and together as a family. My mother was a tad coddling and would make us something different from the rest when she knew we did not like, say, pork. None of our friends who were invited to eat with us ever mentioned us having small portions (quite the reverse, really) and would tell others about how great the food was at ours.

People at work, who obviously did not know me, thought I was being starved at home and would question what I'd had for dinner, breakfast etc. whilst commenting on how skinny I was. I didn't think I was skinny, I was just 'me'. I'd wolf as much as my brothers (all older) and doing heavy physical jobs. I'd happily scoff four filled rolls, a couple of biscuits and a can of juice for lunch.

Looking back, people may have thought I was anorexic or such. I wasn't, I was just me.

Fast forward and prior to getting married, I went on the pill <hormones> and my weight 'shot up' to 8st1lb. It hovered around the 8st mark except when under stress (bereavement, divorce, family illness etc.) when I would genuinely forget to eat, never feeling hunger pangs etc. When that happened my weight would fall back as low as 7st without me even noticing, other than clothes were loose and people expressing concern for me.

Apart from times of stress, my weight hovered around 8st for 20 years until different hormones kicked in - peri at 39. On piled a stone or so with zero lifestyle changes on my part.

Further hormones kicked in a few years later - full menopause at 44 - when my body decided from then on to just accumulate every calorie I consumed as fat.

Since then, I've been repeatedly tested for thyroid issues and/or diabetes - always negative.

I believe anyone who says they are just naturally skinny/slim or unable to lose weight no matter how concerted their effort to do so is. I've been both.

Like other posters on this thread, my laugh is of a tinkly nature when those teeny tinies bang on about obesity always being a choice.

 

[orangehead]

I'm 5'2 and the lightest I've been in my adult life was 7st 2.... sounds perfectly acceptable in MN-land but I was a size 4 and my hair was falling out (bastard men!). I'm about 8st 10 or 11 now and no doubt they'd accuse me of lying if I told them my size and measurements!

8 stone 10 is basically 9 stone which is nearly halfway to 20 stone so maybe you should eat more salads *head tilt*

 

[Serene Serena]

The amount of them convinced they can defy the laws of thermodynamics and magically create energy…

one swears she ate a single onion bagel per day and gained 5 stone.
Another was only on 800 cals, on her feet all day and gained weight. Only losing 3 st when she got a sedentary job and started eating loads.

bollocks. I’ve gained weight on 800 cals a day diets. Just been in denial about the kids leftovers, the punnet of grapes, the slice of cheese, the extra snack I ate standing up which clearly doesn’t count, but apart from that I was definitely sticking to 800 cals a day.

I eat 800 calories a day.

In between meals.

 

[Samf2020]

Plane etiquette thread... OP is pissed off that cabin crew woke her by moving her reclined seat on a night flight when the meal was served (also pissed off that she couldn't stay reclined despite it being mealtime). To be fair, I do agree they should have woken her in a different way to do it, but, in true teeny tiny style...

View attachment 2905949

I was on a BA flight to tacky USA destination (think Las Vegas). Was in cattle class and they just kept throwing food and snacks at us. The woman beside me was German and nearly had a meltdown as she was asleep when they passed out Magnum ice creams. She actually climbed over me to get one. She ate everything and was looking at my tray to see what she could take.
She was a teeny tiny and I was the one with a more robust shape.

 

[Sunlifeover50]

When did leaving your baby overnight get so competitive. When my kids were babies me and DH couldn’t wait to offload them onto the grandparents for a night. Now it’s like “I wouldn’t dream of leaving my DS overnight hes only 16- the thought of it makes me sick with anxiety”.

 

[ZanzibarDreaming]

My advice is to double check your old machine if they’re taking that one away. Was mortified when we swapped our old tumble drier and proceeded to watch the poor delivery guy pull out the tiniest thong that my ‘D’D had left in it. Im sure the poor guy was trying to work out how I’d get my fat arse in it

Well, it clearly wasn’t your DD that left the thong in there. It’s obvious proof that your husband / partner is having an affair. Even if you don’t have a husband / partner.

 

[doctordoctor]

I didn’t go to university should I even be on MN?

 

[Serene Serena]

One asking how she can get her shopping under 1K for a month for 2 adults, 2 teenage boys and 2 dogs.
The usual mix of batch cooking, bulk out with lentils etc.
And one really helpful one simply states she wouldnt have 2 dogs.
How did she think that was helpful.

The dogs, to be fair, unless they are Chihuahuas or Yorkies, would probably stretch to several batch cooked stews, if she's that short of money.

 

[Serene Serena]

I didn’t go to university should I even be on MN?

I’m afraid not and I mean this kindly, if you’re only educated to sixth form college level, you have no right to be a Mumsnetter. #notasnobbytwat #areyoupoor #didyoumeantobesorude

 

[DCICassieStuart]

When I got married, I had the "Big Day", church, reception, bridesmaids, 150+ guests etc and I didn't enjoy one minute if it. It was dictated by my parents. I had friends that I wanted to invite and couldn't because my parents were inviting distant relatives that they hadn't seen in years instead.
Rows over bridesmaid, rows over best man, rows over food etc etc.

I'm in the process of getting divorced now and if I ever get married again, my partner and I have said that we'll go away somewhere and just have his two adult children, their partners and his grandchild.

 

[CocoVenus]

I didn’t have sex with my husband until my youngest was 19 as I was still breastfeeding.

Surely you mean 228 months old...

 

[cowtastrophe]

Come on then, which of you did this

 

[ToxicPony]

Surely it's to stop the poo crumbs that all the MN husbands produce from going into the pool.

 

[Technobiff]

I mean if you’re that bothered bang a bit of veet on your hoop and grow up.

Not sure that's wise really after this review