I really do empathise with so much you are saying. I think you are doing right by sticking to boundaries. Your mil will just have to like it or lump it. She's had her baby, this is your baby and I find it odd she puts so much of her own happiness on YOUR baby. But you don't owe her anything at all hun. Your family sound like my own, and seem respectful and helpful without being over bearing. I worry so much that my partner thinks I'm being negative about his mum because its not my tribe so to speak, but its not that at all. Like your mil, mine never even asks how we are, its literally all about baby! And so of course I gravitate to my own family! I get your partner doesn't want to rock the boat, It's very hard isn't it? But its a real positive that he's cutting time with her and seeing what she's doing. I think you are doing all the right things. I really hope you enjoy time with your little one and she doesn't cause you any more stress. Just keep sticking to your guns and enjoy every second of being a mum. Xxx
Itās completely normal to be caught off your guard sometimes donāt feel bad! At least now youāre aware going forward that she might say something like that so you already have your response prepared
she also never offered to do a night feed/take him early in the morning so we could have some rest etc. She literally came for a break (her words not mine lol), yes I too did a double take when I heard her say āoh Iāll be coming to stay every month for a break to see little oneāā¦) when I then took the baby off to feed he had this massive rash down the side of his face. She then proceeded to tell me she wears her perfume on her clothes rather than her skin as she gets an allergic reaction to itā¦ who the hell wears perfume to cuddle a newborn baby?!? Iām not part of this threat but I seen your post on the live thread and just had to talk to you. Please do not go if you donāt want to. I donāt think you need to be putting yourself in that position right now. If you donāt mind, may I ask why you donāt want to go downstairs? Is it your partner or your baby, or a combination of both? I will be completely honest that it sounds like you are maybe suffering with postnatal depression. I would suggest speaking to your GP for support. Are you able to get out and about to baby groups? Do you have a good support system around you?Not sure where to start, but here goesā¦
My baby is now a few months old but my MIL insisted on coming to stay the first weekend after he was born. She lives over 300 miles away (blessing or not?) and she stayed over in our spare bedroom on the Friday and Saturday night and left late on the Sunday.
I had an emergency csection the Friday before so my baby was barely a week old when she visited and I was still in a lot of pain, could barely walk, had alarms set on my phone all hours of the day to remind myself to take the pain, antibiotics and injections.
1. She brought ear plugs for her stay
2. She kept making ignorant comments regarding breastfeeding and natural birth (she breastfed and had natural births) which made me feel like tit (on top of already feeling like tit) because I was formula feeding and had a csection.
3. Weād gone for a drive, which turned out to be a big mistake as the baby had a screaming fit in the back of the car. Took him home to change him as he was sweatingā¦ got a clean (albeit creased) white baby grow to which she asked if it was clean. I said yes. MIL then proceeded to pick the baby grow up and sniff it in front of meā¦ as if Iād put a dirty baby grow on my newborn babyā¦ to be honest this was the point where I lost respect for her. Sheās a family liaison officer so sheās used to supervising people with their kidsā¦ she needs to realise Iām not one of her clients lol.
4. Next day (Saturday) I had come downstairs to her cuddling my baby, just literally sat there cuddling him saying how content he is (yes love donāt suppose you want to cuddle him at 3am instead?
4.Fast forward to Sunday, as weād had a busy day on Saturday I spent most of the morning in bed (eating my stupidly massive stash of chocolate). Went downstairs at half 11 to MIL rolling her eyes at me as we were only now having breakfast (my partner cooked everyone - his brother was here too at this point - bacon sandwiches). I then sat opposite her feeding my baby to her complaining to me that she was tired as sheād been awake since 6am and couldnāt get back to sleep and had a very long drive home that day. Poor soul. You can imagine how much I cared whilst sat there sleep deprived.
5. She then complained that she was hungry again. Her other son my BIL offered to make her a sandwich. She stuck her nose up at this. We then ended up in a pub having a carvery (I had something small as we hadnāt long had breakfast). They all sat eating their dinners, I ate mine one handed as the baby was really unsettled. After sheād finished her dinner (I had already finished mine at this point) she asked āwould you like me to hold the baby so you can finish your dinner?ā I just looked at her stupid, said no and continued to enjoy my newborn cuddles.
Tbh, if I could have that previous time back with my son I would tell her to stay in a hotel, bring her own dinner (if she wanted any) and I would have basically locked myself and my newborn in the bedroom for the foreseeable.
I havenāt been coping great in all honesty. My partner and I have been arguing to the point where weāve almost separated several times. There have also been times where Iāve stayed upstairs for a few hours break on the weekends whilst my partner looks after our son downstairs and I just simply havenāt wanted to go back down. Weāre going to visit her this weekend. Thereās more, but Iāll leave it for another post on another day. Thank you for taking the time to read x
This is awful! My grandma used to be like this with me and would point out to neighbours etc how fat my legs were (Iāve never been skinny but I wasnāt overweight - then). These things scar you. I have had so much trauma from never feeling good enough or looking good enough. She told my ex boyfriend to never marry me because Iām bossy (I was the one who would care for her). So much of what she said to me as a child has stuck with me through life. Some of these stories make me so glad I havenāt got a fella because I donāt want the MIL from hell
That's so awfulThis is awful! My grandma used to be like this with me and would point out to neighbours etc how fat my legs were (Iāve never been skinny but I wasnāt overweight - then). These things scar you. I have had so much trauma from never feeling good enough or looking good enough. She told my ex boyfriend to never marry me because Iām bossy (I was the one who would care for her). So much of what she said to me as a child has stuck with me through life. Some of these stories make me so glad I havenāt got a fella because I donāt want the MIL from hell
. Comments and little looks / digs like this do stay with some people and can cause irreversible damage.Thank you so much for replying
It was a combination of both to be honest and I feel as though I was robbed of the enjoyment of the newborn phase and Iām only now enjoying him more at four months oldā¦I meet a friend once maybe twice a week with her baby so I always try and keep myself busy
my mother is a great support too and has had him overnight a few times so I can get proper rest. Weāre here now and I offered MIL the chance to have him yesterday morning all to herself thinking sheād come over early. I messaged her at half 8 to say he was ready and waiting and she replied at quarter to nine that sheād only just woken up and that sheād be over soonā¦ fast forward to 10:30am and she came around the corner in her car(only a two minute walk from hers to her dads where we are staying) and said oh Iāll drop him back around lunchtime as me and my husband are planning on going for lunch. I instantly replied ohhh no bring him back at 4pm ish as we (me and the babyās dad) are going to lunch too and you can take the baby with you as Iāll get the car seat for you nowā¦ basically didnāt give her time to say no and her face was a picture hahaha x
I'm not a member of this thread either but I wanted to offer you some comfort. Your Mil sounds ignorant and you should just step away and not engage her. Let her ask the questions etc and don't bother trying to seek a relationship. You're not going to get one unless you give her all the power.I'm sorry guys/ gals just had to come on here to rant and let off steam. Mil came round the other day for little ones bday. Every time I tried to talk to her to make it less awkward, she just wasn't interested! Not unless it was about my child. But surely she has to have some sort of relationship with me and my partner if she thinks she can be around little one? Does she really think I'm going to let her have access to him if she clearly detests me and my SO?she was hinting at babysitting him over the summer holidays but no chance when she clearly despises me!
I'm just at a loss with her, honestly I hate my partners family. I cry every day because they are all so bloody awkward and make my life hell. The family dynamics are bizzare and I feel like since my little one has been born its been one thing after another with them all. Sometimes i wish i could run away from it all, but I do love my partner
that's what I'm doing not emotially engaging, when my partner wants to visit I will be polite but not give info to her to use, when I'm sitting near her I focus on something else I don't engage her as much as possible because she has treated me with disrespect
Thank you, I am drained. I feel exhausted with it all. My partner says he can't turn his back on his family which I understand but at the same time they cause us both so much pain. And my family keep telling me to 'be the bigger person' - which i have tried to be, numerous times. But at what point do you stop being the bigger person and become a door mat??
Tell him heās taking care of her during her visit as he didnāt consult you
Oh hun, I wish I could give you a hug. I know exactly where u are coming from and feel. I don't know what to say because I'm not dealing with mu own situation well. But I know what it's like to feel ill and drained from it all. I don't know what the answer is anymore to these MILs xx
