Men are trash

[DeathToCovid]

Was your split mutually agreed then? Yes it always helps to know you're not alone in feeling this way and to know that what is going through your mind is normal for the situation. I'm really struggling too, sending you lots of love . I wish I could fast forward to being happy again . Its so lonely you're right x

I’m not sure if it was mutually agreed as such it was more him, but i KNOW it’s for the best, if that makes sense, so I’m letting him go.

If it’s any consolation, I still have periods of uncontrollable tears two years on. I even found my eyes watering during pilates the other day. I swear it’s him thinking about me and pulling on my energy because it’s so random and unexpected! I would say I’m 99% over it, but yeah there’s always those rare moments when he randomly pops into my head and makes me want to rip my brain out. Don’t do what I did though and went totally anti-men and growled at any man who came near me haha!

I think this will be me too, still having rare bad periods, I’m so sensitive and I feel things so deeply.


I spent a lot of today ripping up old soppy cards he’d sent me, he thinks it’s petty/childish and it is, but for me I don’t want any reminders of what I’ve lost, it’s too painful.

 

[itsjustt]

My boyfriend is doing my head in and I have nowhere else to vent about it so How can the person who makes you feel happiest also somehow make you feel your saddest

I do feel this - I’ve been with my partner for two years now, it was great for a year or so but that last 12 months have been a rollercoaster.
I feel like I’ve almost decided he isn’t why I want and I’ve expressed this to him…. BUT - I love him and I don’t want to let him go.
It is a constant argument with my head and heart - I know what to do, I just don’t want to

 

[PaintPots]

Someone who asked me out on okcupid last year only to not reply to me when I responded has now messaged me on Hinge. Short memory

 

[Hope96]

Kept myself busy up until a few hours ago and I'm feeling really awful. I wish it was easy to get him out of my thoughts. I feel so anxious and sick when my mind is consumed by thoughts of him. Trying to stop myself from crying because I don't want to cry anymore but I'm not doing a great job of it. I hate missing him so much. I'm exhausting myself by keeping busy but I can't do that 24/7. Blah.

 

[Hope96]

I’m not sure if it was mutually agreed as such it was more him, but i KNOW it’s for the best, if that makes sense, so I’m letting him go.



I think this will be me too, still having rare bad periods, I’m so sensitive and I feel things so deeply.


I spent a lot of today ripping up old soppy cards he’d sent me, he thinks it’s petty/childish and it is, but for me I don’t want any reminders of what I’ve lost, it’s too painful.

I don't think it's petty or childish I've pretty much hidden every single card and gift my ex bought for me because it's too painful to look at them at BUT I don't have it in me to get rid of them just yet.

 

[LittleMy]

My partner has some wonderful traits and we are well suited in lots of ways, but when he's shown me some of his WhatsApp group chats with other (married, educated and successful) men, I lose a little faith. The casual misogyny, lowest common denominator 'banter' and the ways in which they never hold each other to account is disappointing.

I'd like to see more attached women calling this out, instead of pretending their husbands/boyfriends are perfect and turning this into a single woman problem.

My husband’s friend group are like that, and I’ve very openly called it out for what it was in front of a couple of them before. He is no longer in the group chat because things were said that even he felt was taking it too far. It’s not just a single woman problem. I know my husband isn’t perfect, nobody is.

 

[BelleAmie]

I think we all deal with heartbreak in the way we can, I guess we’re still in survival mode



I’m so sorry you’re still feeling this way, I feel very similar to you in that I will never ever allow myself to be in a situation where I trust a man completely ever again, and by trust I mean trusting that they won’t leave/hurt me in some way, which rules out any and all relationships. I’m no longer strong enough for it.

I’m 36 now and I’m soooo done with relationships, I’ve never said that before, I’ve always wanted the fairytale and held the belief there is someone out there for me, but I no longer believe it, I’ve had every inch of that belief smashed up into little pieces. I guess now it’s rebuilding a totally different life than the one I wanted, and I have no idea where to start - that’s the scary part.

and to everyone

Oh God, this actually made me cry a little bit. I’m so sorry that you’ve been through this and that you feel the way you do. It’s genuinely heartbreaking to have someone take away all your faith and hope for future relationships.

I hope very much that you will find someone who treats you with the love you deserve - but if not, that’s wonderful too. It is scary not knowing where to start but you know what you don’t want, and that’s a start in itself. Either way, you just need to look after yourself and know how strong you are for being able to set those boundaries for yourself and refusing to put up with anymore horrific treatment from men and that’s bloody amazing

 

[Hope96]

I've sent him a message so expect me to return to this thread crying in a few days.

 

[Bellaboo83]

Yes, I think just focus on how bad it will make you feel when you do look. I cant say I've ever looked up mine and felt good about what I've found after. It rips my heart out, gives me palpitations and anxiety and it resets recovery. Try to focus on you

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

I don’t know why this made me laugh so much

Because you know exactly the type I’m talking about.

 

[Scorpihoe]

Because you know exactly the type I’m talking about.

You sound like you’ve been burned before

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

We were arguing over the phone once after we had split up. It had been a year. I can't even remember why we were speaking over the phone but he said 'your 2 favourite bands are Oasis and Abba, you fucking basic bitch'

Nah that’s not a basic bitch. A basic bitch thinks they’re extra special and unique and a proper catch, when they’re really not! Up their own arse as I said earlier. You don’t strike me as that, unlike some other people!

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

He just rang me and apologised, I just don’t feel like talking to him at all. He’s really pissed me off! I feel like it’s just so unfair to expect someone to do something they don’t want to do! Also no he’s basically trying to tell me that I shouldn’t feel insecure and that I should be confident and wear one, he’s always very uplifting when it comes to my body and always tries to make me feel more confident, but he basically said “you’re putting a downer on the trip by feeling so insecure you can’t even wear a bikini” and it really has upset me. I’ve bought a pair of denim shorts and I was thinking of wearing them with a swimsuit or long bikini top, even denim shorts is something I’m not used to wearing outside. I’m terrified I know that seems ridiculous but I really am

The crux of the matter is not about bikinis, it’s that you can’t swim and are scared of water! What is wrong with him to not understand that!

OK, look he’s upset you and of course that hurts, but in order to salvage your trip and enjoy it, remind him you’re afraid of the water, it’s not your fault and it is non-negotiable that you won’t be getting in period! Then between you work out what joint things you can do that you both enjoy. All couples have things that they do on their own because the other doesn’t like it. I’m sure there’s things he won’t do too, but it is not your responsibility to do things that you are deeply afraid of in order to satisfy him and you need to tell him so. It’s totally different from doing things you simply don’t enjoy. If he can’t compromise, then you might as well not go.

On another note, maybe at some point you should think about overcoming your fears and learning to swim through lessons (loads of adults can’t swim). Not for your boyfriend, but it may do wonders for you own confidence!

Good luck.

 

[newtoyou]

He just rang me and apologised, I just don’t feel like talking to him at all. He’s really pissed me off! I feel like it’s just so unfair to expect someone to do something they don’t want to do! Also no he’s basically trying to tell me that I shouldn’t feel insecure and that I should be confident and wear one, he’s always very uplifting when it comes to my body and always tries to make me feel more confident, but he basically said “you’re putting a downer on the trip by feeling so insecure you can’t even wear a bikini” and it really has upset me. I’ve bought a pair of denim shorts and I was thinking of wearing them with a swimsuit or long bikini top, even denim shorts is something I’m not used to wearing outside. I’m terrified I know that seems ridiculous but I really am

Whatever makes you comfortable is the most important thing. People shouldn’t be expected to show their bodies just cos they’re on a beach. Maybe a sarong or one of those light kaftan dresses would help. One of these for on the beach - http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-laUaIaPDP.../tBN90c8jcKY/s1600/Beach+Kaftan+photo+-+9.jpg

 

[Professor Farnsworth]

I would love to know what argument leads to that comment

If exes start getting petty like that, I just switch off. I mean they wouldn’t be an ex if you actually cared what they thought anyway!

 

[Swipeuplikeandshare]

Thanks everyone for the kind words and support
I would have enough in the bank account to fund a week or so in a hotel which is great
In terms of friends etc I could go there - my best friend is like my sister - it’s just I can’t even deal with physically having to talk about it or talk to people if that makes sense
I’m just so upset for my kids. I was brought up in a house wirh a verbally abusive alcoholic - at least I knew when daddy would be spiralling. With OH it could be the simplist thing - I feel like I’m waking on egg shells.
How his day has been dictates my evening
I’ve said before that if he doesn’t change I will leave him - he makes promises then good for a week or two then old habits come back again
My little one is very close to me and I think she senses it and tells him to stop shouting at mummy all of the time
I’m just even more annoyed at the silent treatment tonight wirh him knowing the significance of tomorrow
He left my dog outside earlier crying - she’s a house dog and very nervous - I heard her went and got her and she was shaking. I said why didn’t you bring her in - all I got was a grunt
When we had a conversation last time he said (after a bit of drink) he couldn’t cope if I left him, that he couldn’t survive and wouldn’t want to. That his life would be a failure and what would be the point of going on. It would be easier for me to have the insurance pay out. He has me convinced he would do something. As a precaution I messaged my friend that night to have in writing.
He has a very powerful and well paid job and anything mental health wise would be damaging (very sad that is the case - I’m very for pro mental health for everyone)
It’s sad that I hate the weekends and love working

 

[BelleAmie]

So I don’t hate me, but I definitely don’t like them and am resided to being alone forever. So shall I settle down with my slippers and get a cat and dog or sell up and go travelling around the world until the money’s gone and then let the government pay for my care home?

Are you looking for a roommate for this care home? Because that sounds like an excellent plan!

 

[isabellalovescats]

I block all my exes on social media so that it deters me from looking them up when I feel the urge. When things are really rough and feelings are intense, I delete/deactivate my social media and delete all the apps from my phone (that is where I am at right now). The only ex I am friends with is one from high school so over a decade ago. And we are at the point where we are such good friends and it’s been so long since we dated (we were 14 anyways so it didn’t count). Rule of thumb is to remember what @thunderfook says - they chose to leave our lives.

 

[thunderfook]

Coming back to this. I’ve taken a break from the dating apps for about a week now and it is much better for my anxiety. Thank you for the sage advice. I have been listening to angry break up songs and dancing around in my house eating donuts. I have fully reached the rage stage of grief/post breakup. I wonder how long I’ll be here.

Good for you! I hope they’re Krispy Kremes…

 

[Hope96]

Thanks everyone for the kind words and support
I would have enough in the bank account to fund a week or so in a hotel which is great
In terms of friends etc I could go there - my best friend is like my sister - it’s just I can’t even deal with physically having to talk about it or talk to people if that makes sense
I’m just so upset for my kids. I was brought up in a house wirh a verbally abusive alcoholic - at least I knew when daddy would be spiralling. With OH it could be the simplist thing - I feel like I’m waking on egg shells.
How his day has been dictates my evening
I’ve said before that if he doesn’t change I will leave him - he makes promises then good for a week or two then old habits come back again
My little one is very close to me and I think she senses it and tells him to stop shouting at mummy all of the time
I’m just even more annoyed at the silent treatment tonight wirh him knowing the significance of tomorrow
He left my dog outside earlier crying - she’s a house dog and very nervous - I heard her went and got her and she was shaking. I said why didn’t you bring her in - all I got was a grunt
When we had a conversation last time he said (after a bit of drink) he couldn’t cope if I left him, that he couldn’t survive and wouldn’t want to. That his life would be a failure and what would be the point of going on. It would be easier for me to have the insurance pay out. He has me convinced he would do something. As a precaution I messaged my friend that night to have in writing.
He has a very powerful and well paid job and anything mental health wise would be damaging (very sad that is the case - I’m very for pro mental health for everyone)
It’s sad that I hate the weekends and love working

I don't have many words of wisdom and can't tell you what to do. I read your post last night and it made me very sad but I was exhausted so I think I stopped typing halfway. I just want to say that I do think you deserve much better and if he doesn't want to reach out for help and make things better for you, him and the little ones then that's on him. I hope you are doing ok as I believe you said today is a difficult day for you. Sending you lots of love.

Good luck rooting for you xx

Thank you. I'm not expecting much but at least I've sent the text. xx

Day 2 and I’m really bad today, tried to cheer myself up with a Starbucks this morning and it was a Starbucks that me and him used to go for Saturday brunch. I couldn’t stop crying in the queue, im now sat on the tube crying like a twat. Looking in the mirror after my shower earlier and I just can’t bare to see myself. Ugh, I just can’t see how I’m going to get through today

How are you getting on? I cried on the bus several times a few weeks ago and if I'm on the bus (6 weeks in) and I go past his place I still get teary. You're not a twat! You're going through a difficult time. I went out with a friend for a good 5 hours today and had a lovely time but I cried when I got back home because I miss him. I feel silly but our feelings and emotions are valid. x