Matt Haig

[Mr Sparkle]

he's deleted the tweet about bad reviews

anyway, I've been thinking about something

Extract from The Comfort Break Book
by kachoochoo, saviour of the world






Toothbrush

Imagine you are a toothbrush. Waiting patiently in your beaker on the sink. They say no toothbrush is an island. And yet, here you are. You anxiously await your twice daily moment to shine. And shine you do. Literally, you abrade teeth until they sparkle. Sparkle like Mr Sparkle, that detergent box Homer Simpson found at the tip. Don't put yourself in the tip. Keep smiling, like the smiles you keep sparkling


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that'll be £600K please and thank you

You rang?

Just joining this thread, glad to know I'm not the only one who finds him insufferable on social media.

I really enjoyed "Notes on a Nervous Planet" as it helped me reframe the way I understand my anxious disposition. BUT, I am very glad to have read it before finding out how obnoxious he is as a person.

 

[rexion]

I'm begging him to put down the Tao Te Ching and pick up a copy of Gramsci or something.

"We go on about progress but in terms of the earth everything since the agrarian revolution has been regress." I can't....

"Punching up is still punching. And if 1000 people on the internet are all punching up at the same person then collectively they are punching down." I mean, you chose to sit there every evening loudly being a dumbass on a notoriously vituperative public platform. Twitter isn't compulsory.

"The only problem money fixes is the problem of not having money. But that is a problem." I just can't.....

"Book snobs be damned." Gee I wonder why.

Yummy mummy brigade bowled over by his insights in the comments as per.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Wtaf? Has he read one single thing about the situation?

According to today’s post he has been too busy “resting”. He really has no idea does he?

I gave him the benefit of the doubt this morning, but he can go back to his white MC privileged Brighton pebbly bubble now.

 

[Shineyshine]

deleted within seconds the clown!

the word i've cut off is try - had to ss + edit on desktop (which i hate) cos it'd gone by the time i opened twitter on my phone

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for context, he has announced he's written another children's book to be published in October for the lucrative Q4 period about "self acceptance and how to find your way in the world"

He does write too many books. Far. Too. Many.

He should take a permanent break.

 

[kachoochoo]

this tweet won't last long

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

we need to pitch this to Unbound.

"The Little Tattle Book of Haig Piss-Takery"

"Highly intelligent and beautiful Tattlers present a wry take on Matt Haig's arrogant and condescending comfort break book.

"Within these pages, we will ruthlessly mock and simultaneously improve Haig's snoozesome prose and basic takes."

Target £600k. We trouser the cash Monroe/Gladwell style and we're set!

Never been described as either of those things so absolutely here for the 600k.

In other news, his in latest IG, he is explaining that the comfort book playlist contains songs that may not be lyrically or obviously comforting, but they comfort him.

If we were ever to forget, it is all about MaTt.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Jealousy? So if you bother to purchase a book, read it and discuss the fact you don't like it you are 'jealous'? What an incredibly juvenile take on things.
And yes he basically is applying it to himself. Only talk about his books positively please jealous haterz.

I totally agree but actually there are quite a lot who are calling him out on this on his IG post.

I can’t be bothered to squiggle but at least it shows that not everyone is a oblivious fan.

 

[kachoochoo]

I’ll have to politely disagree with you here.

Consultants can’t work in two places at once. A family member was offered an NHS appointment for April 2023. Their parents offered to pay and they were seen within a week by the same consultant. Perhaps I worded it wrong but in my eyes, that’s a privilege not afforded to many.

yeah, being able to afford private healthcare is an immense privilege, so tbh, i do see it as jumping the queue, while also taking advantage of patients

it's all the same doctors after all. like, back to physical healthcare, a few years ago, there was a consultant where i work who would tell pts in nhs clinics who needed to be listed for surgery that the waiting list was 2 years and give them his info for his private sessions

i think what i really meant to say in the first place is that matt has either diagnosed himself online or, like jack, has been dr shopping

 

[Fenella]

I’m not one of those sour faced people who think you can’t celebrate birthdays over the age of 10 or anything but jeez I’ve never seen a grown up go on about there birthday as much and wanting so much attention for it.

 

[Jelly Bean]

Hansel and Gretel in the 1980s

A Mini Metro does it. Hurtling down the bypass on the edge of the forest where the siblings have been slumbering for possibly 500 years, maybe more like 680, I can't count. The Mini Metro breaks the curse that has ensnared them for however long it's been, for some magical reason.

"What has happened, sister?" asks Hansel, plaintively. "Last thing I remember we bundled that old witch into that oven in that weird house made of gingerbread."

"And here we are. Cursèd, dear brother. Cursèd by the witch's sister, Moll Badfellow." replies Gretel, "we must leave this place."

They leave the forest.

They enter a nearby village and walk into the nearest sweetshop.

"Oho! what can I do for you, you strange looking tykes in your medieval clothing?" asks the faintly creepy looking, but obviously wise shopkeeper, played by Jim Broadbent. "Cola bottles? Flying saucers? Sherbet fountains? Any other generic sounding sweetmeats of the 1980s?"

Hansel starts, "Do you have any gingerbr-"

But Gretel interjects, "Excuse me, sir, the 1980s? Why, we've been cursèd for 500, maybe 680 years, our author can't count!"

"Oho!" replies the shopkeeper. "It seems that our author has experience of the fish-out-of-water trope! Like, maybe it was an alien pretending to be a human before but this might translate better to film! Now, I believe you like sweets, cos you I know you went off to eat that witch's house. Gobstoppers? Mary Ann toffees? No, they're for old people. It's a shame Haribo doesn't exist yet, that'd be easier!"

Hansel and Gretel conferred briefly.

"He has all the sweets! We like sweets!"

"I don't know, H, we are still cursèd by the evil Moll Badfellow and we should probably go on some sort of quest to break it and have some hilarious misunderstandings based on not understanding the time we find ourselves in."

"Can I interest you in the works of AA Milne?" interjects the shopkeeper.

And so, Hansel and Gretel lived in the 80s sweetshop forever and were allowed to stay up late to watch Dynasty

Too good.
I think you need to slap a © on there in case MH has ideas!

 

[kachoochoo]

oh great, mask discourse

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

it's ok, luv. you have never been in danger of being thought of as cool. and well done for potentially triggering thanatophobia, Mr Mental Health

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His comment under the insta version of this is even worse.

I am not going to post it because it is really upsetting.

I just cannot understand how he thinks he is helping people with MH issues.

 

[chocolate choux]

He’s chatting absolute shit again. Claiming he doesn’t have experience of being a boy I bet a tenner he wrote the original tweet, forgot his train of thought, noticed he only included girls/women and didn’t want to make it about gender so added in “boys”, forgetting that it would make no sense.

Notice something that unites every other character he doesn’t have personal experience of, except for girls and women? They are fantasy beings, or at least in the animals case, their narratives are fantasy. He can make any old shit up and it’s inconsequential. Labradors are hardly going to be complaining to the RSPCA about Matt Haig’s inaccurate portrayal of their breed. After that tweet about women fleeing Afghanistan, I’m absolutely going to read “too much” into the fact he shelves women’s and girl’s experiences alongside pixies’.

Women are not easy to write unless your characters are Mary Sues.

 

[kachoochoo]

If he stopped being a twat we wouldn’t have a thread about him.

Why don’t these narcissistic idiots realise that when they are criticised it is because they are writing things that are offensive.

I am pissed off today. Davina McCall posted something which could be viewed at one end of the scale at missing the mark completely and at the other just goes to show her privilege and is harmful to many groups of people.

Edit- she has now deleted the post but I am still angry. Maybe I will write a short passage on clouds.

ugh, she's posted so much crap recently. really gone off her.

looks like Matt's deleted the antihistamine tweets

 

[kachoochoo]

i think we're meant to respond with "they insulted my face!" kind of things. we're not like that, babe.

(but you do look older than mr kcc who is older than you) I'm petty, whatever

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Just to show we aren’t all evil bridge-dwelling trolls, he signposted a really good service yesterday without making it all about him (dog photos on pebbly beach afterwards obviously ).

However, for the people who follow him, many of whom may be in crisis or know someone who is, this kind of signposting is vital.

This is where his huge platform can be so important in helping so many.

 

[Bread]

Could he BE any more self-obsessed?

 

[kachoochoo]

so is this one he was given a £600k advance for? the little book of pinterest platitudes (the link in the article leads to a deleted tweet)

actually, in the name of accuracy, I went to check how many books he's had published. this will be his 25th.

now, I'm no publishing expert, but advances tend to increase when books do well, like his inexplicably have, do they not?

and, yes, advances have to be recouped, but I think we can safely say he's doing very nicely out of this nonsense

 

[kachoochoo]

from last night... really?? REALLY???

and swiftly deleted this morning, knobber

 

[YTZeleb23]

He writes self help fortune cookies.

And 'Instagram quotes' (you know the ones, on a royalty free background image of the ocean/beach).