Lying about cancer?!

[HelloStereo]

people who lie like this never think about the end result really - they only think of the attention they’re going to get in the moment and get off on people showing them concern/being fussed etc. they rarely think it through enough to consider “what do i do at the end of all this?”

i don’t think you will ever understand this man’s actions or thought processes. it’s admirable that you’re continuing to try. but you will never get the answers that you want. like @teabob says, he gets to both ghost you and simultaneously keep your interest at the same time by playing at being his own brother. leave this situation before it gets even more toxic.

Maybe it is an attention thing to manipulate someone's feelings.

It makes me sad for him if that's the case. Things were going well and he had no reason to lie about something like this to play at my heartstrings. Maybe he thought he would gain something but instead he is the overall loser because I got rid of someone toxic and he lost something that was going well

I think you’ve been given plenty of support and information including medical perspective supporting the fact that this story is fabricated.

If you’re still inquiring about tiny details such as sedation when it’s obvious he’s not being truthful, then I’m sorry to say no amount of advice on here will help. You’re just torturing yourself. I know you’re trying to convince yourself that this is fabricated, but you’ve enough evidence at this point.

You just need to face this situation for what is and just move on instead of dissecting every detail. You haven’t been together for this long and you haven’t seen him since October. There’s not much to hang on to at this stage.

No I agree that it is fabricated. It's a lot over the months but it is helpful to know also from a medical perspective that these sorts of things don't add up.

 

[HelloStereo]

I added another paragraph to my answer regarding what he can gain from this story. He’ll soon start asking for donations etc.

He is visibly suffering from a mental illness of some sort and is probably getting comfort in the attention he’s getting from this story. Your level headed question of “I don’t see what he can gain from all this” seems to indicate that part of you believes him but this type of logical question doesn’t really apply why this type of person. They don’t think rationally or logically the way other people do.

He’s got no internet presence and hasn’t allowed you to see him in real life since the beginning of this whole ordeal. Besides, if he’s being so obscure about where he works and lives, it’s obviously to have a cover up because he doesn’t want up be traced. One day he’ll probably just vanish never to be heard from again.

Thank you. I will see if it progresses to that. I'm not in a position to fund any treatments so I will have to tell him he needs to rely on family.

I find the story difficult to believe. I just didn't understand why someone would lie about something for so long. Maybe it was for attention but he wouldn't respond for weeks at a time sometime If it was a way to ghost he wouldn't need to keep it up. But you're right he could just disappear. I wouldn't be able to trace him. I don't know if he deliberately kept that from me though (although he was vague about where he lives whereas he knows where I live).

He mentioned places he worked in the past, and he used to live in my city and mentioned where he lived then. Just not where he currently lives. I tried searching for him on LinkedIn through past companies but found nothing.

Can’t you locate the hospital if you know the rough area?
Also if you are the one whose name he lights up to and he is likely terminal then no human or hospital would keep you apart.
Am guessing you are young and he is, well just do what everyone says and cut all contact for your own sake.

He lives in a small village x number of miles from a larger city. I have looked on Google Maps but there are quite a few hospitals in that area. Even if I knew which one I wouldn't really know what to do because I'm guessing they wouldn't give me more info and I don't know his last name etc. I did find it strange his brother told me that talking about me was the only time he smiled, yet I have asked several times to visit only to be told he wants to see me only when he's at home and better. Yet then saying it's likely he won't go home etc.

His brother said yesterday "he is really poorly. In October they said he only has a low chance of pulling through". I then asked why he was saying I could go and see him at home when he's better, and the walks we can go on by his house if he's not expected to pull through. He hasn't replied even though I have seen him online lots today .

Sorry re: ages - we're both in our 30s.

 

[WhatABore]

Like if you did end up talking to him how would he get out of it? Miraculously get better?!



That's it. You don't question it so much at first because you don't think they'd lie about something like that and also if they don't want to think about it you don't want to bring it up and be like "so what about your cancer then?"

It was only after some fishy details such as not being allowed to send a card/ see him etc I thought that something wasn't right.

I guess so not sure what his plans were altogether with him having a girlfriend. We dated on and off for a year

 

[Ari-55]

I only have a little experience in dating but my main takeaway is - some are definitely assh*les and have issues but none of the men I’ve ever dated have had a problem telling me their last name or where they work (eg the company) once we’ve met in person a few times. Withholding this information is a bit of a red flag since the most you could really do with it is do some online stalking, and they shouldn’t have much of a problem with you seeing what they post unless they are trying to hide something.

Once you’ve moved on I think all this would make an interesting conversation for a date actually.

 

[TheGlossy]

By the way, did he confirm what type of cancer he supposedly has?

 

[HelloStereo]

A lot of men tend to just ghost when they’re no longer interested. It’s a cowardly move but it’s better than being strung along. I don’t think he’s stringing her along with this insane story just to keep her around.

If he was just string her along he’d just keep rescheduling dates or tell her he’s busy.

I personally still think he’s after money and hasn’t asked yet but eventually will.

Haha jokes on him I have no money

Honestly I have no idea, and couldn’t tell you after all these years. I know she can be pretty full on after a lot of confidence issues etc, but never thought she would have been in that situation.

We weren’t even that local to him either - a good 30min train ride - so would have been easy to ghost or like you say, be honest and just move along.

The only thing I can maybe put it down to was being stupid kids as this was back when we were like 18-19….either way I dread to think how he is going about now and feel sorry AF for any future/current partners!

Yeah maybe he thought it was kinder to make that sort of excuse? It just seems like a lot of effort!

 

[HelloStereo]

I’m so glad you have walked away.

a friend of mine was in a situation similar to this with a man she’d been dating, he started lying about having cancer and other transmissible illnesses. Then he started stalking her beating her and the Police had to get involved. Unfortunately before the Police could do anything she was dead by her own hands.
Months later he took his own life.

There are some fucked up people in this world. Before what happened to my friend I’d have been an advocate for telling the wife. Now I would say block, delete, move on. You don’t know what sort of unhinged weirdo you’re dealing with.

That's so awful. RIP to your friend, I'm so sorry.

There are some terrible people out there, it makes you wonder what drives people to lie about something like that - a way to control them by emotionally manipulating them perhaps.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Especially for so long. And he'd text long essays quite a bit throughout the day and text almost every day. Makes you wonder what they had to gain from it as it seems like a waste of time on both our ends now. It is an awful thing to lie about and makes a mockery of all the people who genuinely have cancer.

I'm okay, it feels like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders now I have that bit of information and an answer. It will just take a while for me to build trust in people, I know I will get so anxious if they don't reply for a bit. Thank you for your comment though

Aw bless you. Maybe you will but I’d like to think the next person wouldn’t pull this stunt. I would probs be open and honest with them and explain you have trust issues & maybe fill them in a bit on the story. That way you’ll know by their response if they’re worth it. I would if it was me. But your choice.

 

[OmgObsessed]

I would make a fake Facebook with no photos (make a fake Gmail and don't use your phone #) or anything and message the wife.
"Hey is your husband douche? I heard through the grapevine he is having an affair. I just thought I would let you know."
Then just forget about the account and move on. Don't give any details just short and sweet. Don't mention the cancer or false identity. Let God/Earth/Buddah whatever decide when she will read the message request and it's up to her from there.

Btw every relationship I've been in I've been cheated on. Thank you to all the women who reach out. We have to look out for each other. 🩷

 

[Poptart]

I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone but it was such a horrible experience.

He lied about both names I found out. He is married and used his son's name as the guy i thought he was initially and his other son's name as the guy I was dating's "brother".

What is scary is that he was saying to see the guy I was dating the hospital would need visitor details such as a full name and address and that i could provide this to the hospital or he would happily pass it on. I didnt and would never have given him the details but it adds an extra later of sinister to it that he spun this massive lie and would have then known where I lived...

You said previously he'd stayed at your house so he already knows where you live?

 

[Our Cilla]

I hate to post this and I'm sorry if anyone finds the topic triggering. I am going to change some details in this because I know it is an awful thing to accuse someone of but some things just don't make sense to me.

I started dating someone, let's call them T, in June. Things were going well. He works in my city on occasion so that's how I met him. We'd go on dates whenever he was working my way but I have never been to his house and I don't know where he lives beyond "a small village x miles from x city". I also don't know his last name or the company he works at so I can't peek on social media. Must sound bad I don't know these details but they never came up in a discussion when we were out for dinner or drinks. .

One evening we were just chatting over text and all of a sudden I didn't receive a reply until the next morning... He said he found a lump in his groin and went to have scans in the hospital overnight?! He didn't mention it for a little while and I didn't push because I didn't want to add stress. Eventually I did and he said it was definitely a hernia.

Things happened so quickly but he went in for a scan before his hernia operation and then was texting me saying they wanted to take biopsies. At the end of the week he went in for the results and disappeared over the weekend. Apparently he had to have an emergency operation and left his phone on charge at home so he couldn't tell me. Yet I had seen him pop up a few times on WhatsApp over the weekend. I asked him about this in a way that was just "oh right, I saw you on WhatsApp a few times" and he said "Why would I lie? Maybe the app was running in the background..."

After this he was quickly referred for radiotherapy and his first appointment was at the weekend. He then text me on a Monday to say his diagnosis became more complicated. I then didn't hear from him for weeks until his brother messages from his phone, to say he had lots of surgery but wasn't expected to make it out of hospital because the tumours were really aggressive and in an area that couldn't be removed with surgery. He asked if I wanted his number to talk as T wasn't really able to use his phone and I said yes. Note: my messages were on unread before this and he doesn't have a last seen. I knew I'd drive myself nuts just constantly looking on WhatsApp to see if he ever came online so I didn't.

I didn't hear for weeks and it was horrible. Eventually his brother messaged again from T's phone saying he had to call the carrier to unlock it as T had forgotten the passcode. I then finally got the brother's number and we have been talking. T is undergoing treatment etc, yet is often sedated due to pain. it's weird because he says his phone is always by his bedside, yet he contacted me from it at 11pm...

I asked if I could see T and was told only four nominated visitors could see him, I then asked if I could just wait outside and not go in and was told he doesn't want to see me until he is better. I asked if I could send a card or present for Christmas and was told the hospital is very strict and doesn't accept gifts or cards. Yet over Christmas apparently the staff brought in presents for the patients?

I ask the brother more about the prognosis but am just told he is very poorly, in a lot of pain, has a low probability of pulling through etc. Yet other times he is talking about us hopefully seeing each other soon and talking about T's house and the nice walks there are that we can go on together (I have never been to T's house as he always came to my city for work and then got sick). It has all happened so quickly and I haven't seen him since he became poorly in October so it's not like I have seen the lumps etc myself.

It's such a mindf*ck and I have no idea whether it's all true or not. The vagueness of what's going on, the absences, suddenly disappearing overnight to have scans, being in hospital without a phone and yet being online, not being able to see him or send anything. I want to be there but I want to know what I'm going into, and whether I will see him again. Yet it has been months and I don't know what someone would gain from lying for so long.

What does everyone think? Also, are there any questions I can ask which don't seem like I'm accusing them of lying but just so I can get a better idea of what's going on? If true I want to be there but I would very much like to know if there is a chance I would be able to see him again. I feel awful for doubting them as it's an awful thing to accuse someone of but some things are just so odd and I'm wondering if there is a way I can get a more concrete answer. I don't know if it's me struggling to process it and looking for excuses but there are so many little things that don't add up, that I didn't want to question before because I didn't want to accuse anyone of lying or cause bad feeling during a difficult time.

Sorry it's so emotive.

I have a large hernia and its not getting treated as hernias are usually just left.

 

[HelloStereo]

This person isn’t worth the effort of a search

Not now no. This was stuff I did back last year when I didn't have many details at all and was really worrying

 

[HelloStereo]

Glad to hear you are blocking them. Be wary of any other numbers popping up with a bad update from them. It could escalate once you stop playing.

Yeah it's so easy to get a burner phone and if he wants to get in touch I guess he will find a way. But at least I'm more equipped to see through everything now, which for me was the most harmful bit, causing angst etc.

The charger bit was the only bit that seemed feasible to me . Only because when one of my children was in hospital (about 10 years ago mind) we were not allowed to bring a phone charger in due to health and safety. The ward had a supply of them that had been tested that you could use if they had the right one. I'll admit I did sneak my own in though!

It's absolutely definitely nothing to do with you!!!!! He's just a twerp. One day you'll look back and laugh. It just sucks at the moment. The friend I mentioned earlier did meet someone not long after her weirdo encounter.

I'm glad your friend met someone else soon after . I hope I do too, maybe in the new year.

Haha I have no idea about the charger thing. Are they not allowed in in case they're not compatible with the sockets at the hospital? Or did they think someone would hurt themselves with it? If it is infection control you'd think the mobile phone would be the most germy thing.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Hey I have a little update on this if anyone is interested. I had them both blocked on my phone but still saved as contacts. A few days ago I was on tiktok and a new account appeared on the "from your contacts" section. From memory the profile pic was the same one T's brother used on whatsapp (obscured so you couldnt see his face but the pic was his), but the username was T's . So basically the "brother" was T.

It has been a month since i last spoke to them so it doesn't bother me and I'm not dwelling on it and haven't contacted them etc. Just an update for everyone who contributed to this thread .

I think I am going to take a step back from dating for a while though and work on myself - this did affect how well I trust people

Wow. What is wrong with people. I don’t understand why he’d go through all that. It’s sick to lie about cancer. Sick to string you along and lie so much. Not sure what has gone on in his head to actually do this !!
That last bit is wise. I could imagine it would be so hard to trust a person again! Hope you’re ok

 

[HelloStereo]

Not sure if you have tried this, but search the mobile number on Facebook, LinkedIn etc. Some people have their accounts set up where they can be found by searching their number.

Though I agree with everyone else on here that you need to cut contact and move on. He is absolutely playing you.

But it would be great to suss him out and beat him at his own game first!

I do want to suss him out. I have tried searching his number on Facebook but nothing comes up. I try searching via where he went to uni and a past job he had too and nothing.

 

[LaBlonde]

This is about as plausible as the rest of the story though. "Hospital only accepts gifts from X location, you can't post them to the hospital directly as they have to be scanned for germs. Presents of a value exceeding 100GBP only".

i’m almost disappointed that he didn’t have the nerve to try it! he was brazen enough about everything else

 

[TheGlossy]

I think I remember that? Didn't they get prison time?

I'm not sure if catfishing in the UK is a crime - I looked it up because some friends said I should report him.

No, they did not. It was in the US - catfishing is not a crime.

 

[candyland_]

Phone chargers are allowed in hospital. I followed a girl with cancer who had presents sent to the ward from complete strangers and they found their way to her.

 

[candyland_]

Ahh ok.. it's the most minute chance that I could know who this person is but your post just struck a chord, probably with you choosing the pseudonym of T. I can't for the life of me figure out how to send a private message on this site. It's likely not the same person anyway. I hope you figure it all out!

They took away private messaging.

 

[HelloStereo]

I work in a hospital and patients are allowed cards and gifts, even on the cancer wards.

Have you tried calling the hospital and asking to be put through to his ward….see if he even exists as an in patient?

we do do surgery for cancer patients where the tumour is pressing on certain areas, for example the spine and brain but (his “brother” saying he’s isn’t expected to make it) whether they would do this if he is already “terminal”, it would only be surgery for pain relief for terminal patients, to help their quality of life.
If he has had chemo and radiotherapy, it would mean they would have the tiniest positive prognosis or he’s having it to prolong his life by a few weeks rather than “save” him. They wouldn’t do this and do surgery if he isn’t expected to make it.

I hope that makes sense!

personally, he’s playing you but I am someone that gives the benefit of the doubt but I do think he’s playing a game


Patients are allowed phone chargers. I work in theatre but take patients back to the wards (even cancer ward) and they have all sorts.
also you would go to a gp for test, then be referred to hospital then wait for the appt then wait for the results, it’s not instant unfortunately

Thank you, I thought so - it seemed like a lot of treatment he had for such a dire prognosis! They were very vague about treatment and whether it was curative or palliative - probably the fewer details they give the easier the lie is to keep up.

I don't even know what hospital he is in to call or his last name. I don't know much detail about him at all in terms of things like that.

Again that could be deliberate, if I knew his last name it would be much easier to look him up or enquire after him!