Lying about cancer?!

[HelloStereo]

Personally I think he used me as an out cos my mate weren’t giving up holding out for him from what I can gather….I told him that I have to tell her and there was no real arguing against me, so I basically did the hard work for him. For sure she was gutted, she sent him a final text calling him all the names under the sun to get out of her system and moved on from there. It took a while for her to trust again though which is understandable.

We know he had a brother but we can’t say for sure if he had any involvement at all or just had his name dragged into it.

Just so strange. Why didn't he just tell her he wanted out? Also the dilemma of if he hasn't got the courage to tell her, is making up something like this really better than ghosting?

Sometimes I can be quite blunt when not wanting to go on more dates, but I think at least they know where they stand. There can be no confusion in "I am no longer interested in dating you. Bye".

 

[HelloStereo]

I have been in the position to tell the wife and was glad I did it. I didn’t do it for revenge. I did it because she needed to know and I know I’d want to know if this was happening to me behind my back. But I didn’t have safety issues to consider. Gather all the evidence in a clear and coherent file because if you ever move house tell his wife. She deserves to know, and you just know he has done this before many times. For her own health, and her kids future, if it can be done safely rat that c**t out.

I really want to have a good think about it first. I'm feeling so many things at the moment - utterly violated that he not only lied about cancer and made up a brother to continue the lie, bewildered that someone would go to this extreme to lie, upset that he created a whole new identity and he's actually got a wife, a bit down in confidence that this happened and doubting my judgment.

I know if I did it now it would just be to cause hurt to him and I don't want to break up a family to satisfy something within myself. I want to be 100% confident if I do it that I am because I feel she needs to know.

 

[HelloStereo]

It could definitely be he has a wife or gf an this is his way of trying to go between you both since I assume if he does have another half he probably tells them he works away from home for so long

You don't need to answer but had money ever been mentioned? Could this be a set up to guilt you into paying for medical bills that won't exist?

If money ever does come up then definitely red flags an you need to get out

No he's in an NHS hospital apparently. He's been in permanently for a few months now. In that time he's had radiotherapy, chemo + radiotherapy combined and another round of chemo, plus surgeries. So three rounds in two-ish months? I don't know it seems a lot.

Maybe that's why he never invited me down though. I sort of what to see how this ends up. Surely in the end he either has to come clean?

 

[HelloStereo]

The fact you’re contemplating visiting him at his house after all the red flags have been highlighted … I don’t understand, honestly. You’re really setting yourself up.

I'm not going to visit his house. It was more a thought of how dangerous it could be if I did.

 

[Kittykat45]

I wish I knew more medical terms so I could be direct and know what to ask . He told me he had radiotherapy, chemo + radiotherapy combined and then chemo. He had to have another operation last week apparently because the tumour changed shape and was pressing on the spinal cord. Then he said they would take a break for Christmas and look at the effectiveness of surgery before deciding what to do next...

I don't know if this is plausible.

I work in a hospital and patients are allowed cards and gifts, even on the cancer wards.

Have you tried calling the hospital and asking to be put through to his ward….see if he even exists as an in patient?

we do do surgery for cancer patients where the tumour is pressing on certain areas, for example the spine and brain but (his “brother” saying he’s isn’t expected to make it) whether they would do this if he is already “terminal”, it would only be surgery for pain relief for terminal patients, to help their quality of life.
If he has had chemo and radiotherapy, it would mean they would have the tiniest positive prognosis or he’s having it to prolong his life by a few weeks rather than “save” him. They wouldn’t do this and do surgery if he isn’t expected to make it.

I hope that makes sense!

personally, he’s playing you but I am someone that gives the benefit of the doubt but I do think he’s playing a game

Yeah I thought if you found a lump you'd book an appointment in with your gp and they'd do tests. He just disappeared overnight and text me in the morning to say he found a lump and had tests and scans during the night which is just odd. But surely even if you're lying you know that is implausible

That's a good point re: cards, I didn't think of that. Although he did then say the staff were buying gifts for patients so I'm not sure if it is clutter or just infection control. His brother said he wasn't even allowed a phone charger in but he had to sneak it in.

His brother has no last name on WhatsApp it was just whatever I assigned to him. I also find it odd one time his brother didn't respond for a few days and said he left his phone in the car and his wife took the car, yet I could see his last seen status and he had been onlkne inbetween then. I might phone him to talk about everything to check out the story. I imagine it is harder to lie off the cuff than through text.

Patients are allowed phone chargers. I work in theatre but take patients back to the wards (even cancer ward) and they have all sorts.
also you would go to a gp for test, then be referred to hospital then wait for the appt then wait for the results, it’s not instant unfortunately

 

[HelloStereo]

I don’t think he would come to your area unless you pissed him off that’s what I would expect. How long has it been since you last spoke. Hope you’re ok. I’m sure he wouldn’t remember what floor you were on.

I hope not. I last spoke to him in late December.

It's all been a very strange and eye opening experience. You hear about it happening to others but don't think it will happen to you. I guess strange is the best word to use, there was some truth woven into a massive web of lies and sometimes I find myself going over conversations we had thinking "was he telling the truth about this, or was it a lie too?".

I'll be fine in time though. At least I got away and it's done now.
---

Mine was a narcissist so your guess is as good as mine regarding the “whys”. He did a lot of his lying to get money out of me/other girls but not really massive amounts if that makes sense? Then the illnesses came when you challenged him or he knew you were getting onto a lie & then he’d do that to try get sympathy or make you feel like a bad person having a go at someone that’s “so seriously ill”. The whole thing is just a complete mind fuck & it really does mess with you.
Found a receipt for a hotel actually last month (was doing a full clean) & it was one on my credit card that he was supposed to be paying half for. When we were there, he disappeared one of the days & said he’d complained about our room (nothing wrong with it tbh) & they’d upgraded us to a sweet for free for the next 5 days as a good will gesture. Turns out that “free” upgrade wasn’t free at all & was an extra £100 per night on my credit card. Never checked it at the time as I knew we’d charged a fair amount to the room & just assumed it was more than I thought obv I also never got his half

That's such an awful thing to do, I'd be so mad at someone trying to manipulate me for money. It sounds like he just wanted to take advantage of your money and have a good time.

I don't know if money was the guy I was dating's objective. In finding out the truth he has a much better job than he told me he had - think someone invited to speak at big business conferences.

I guess it could be he invented the cancer because people would be more gentle around sick people and not question them as much, and it gives him an excuse to suddenly disappear but still keep in touch with me as the "brother".

 

[TheGlossy]

Yeah I always wonder this. Like how much do I really know?

He was normal haha. No gold teeth nor super flashy. He was always well dressed but in a modest way. Honestly he just came across as a genuinely good and nice guy. We met out and about but before out first proper date He just sent a text saying "honestly I'd just be delighted if after you said you wanted to see me again."

Until all of this it was just going well and seemed normal, no game playing or anything

A super flashy guy wouldn’t come up with a cancer story. It’s generally the unsuspecting awkward boy next door that does.

The fact he said “I’d just be delighted if you said you wanted to see me again” shows he’s a bit insecure which is a red flag and a give away. It sounds desperate.

 

[HelloStereo]

It does seem like he was love bombing you, maybe? And as it was early days he could get away with not giving you much information about himself. I've got a feeling he may have a wife but plays away when he's working (I know someone who does this, as he works abroad a lot) but it still doesn't make sense as to why he'd lie about cancer. Surely he'd just ghost you?

Yeah that's what I don't get. If he was in trouble because he had a wife surely he'd just ghost without giving all the updates. It sounds like he is playing master manipulator.

Yeah I see what you mean about love bombing. Even at first I thought woah this is intense. At the time I just put it down to him being a guy who had been a bit unlucky in love before and sees something going well and puts lots of effort into it. But I can see how it can be seen as love bombing too.

 

[TheGlossy]

I think if he were married, he’d come up with a different story (travels a lot for work etc). The reason being is that you never know what trajectory this cancer story could take and it might reach his wife’s ears (it’s a small world especially with social media where people are quick to post about stories like these to warn people out there).

I don’t think he’d risk his marriage with such a dramatic story.

I think he’s looking for money or is a pathological liar.

 

[candyland_]

Sometimes you have to walk away without knowing the answer to things.

Definitely lying, not to sound too morbid but if he’s terminal, he wouldn’t be taking up a precious hospital bed, he would either be in a hospice receiving palliative care or at home with palliative nurses coming in to administer morphine.

Block and don’t look back

Life with Monique was in hospital for the last year of her life but she was in a really bad way and had lived with cancer for five years.

 

[HelloStereo]

I only have a little experience in dating but my main takeaway is - some are definitely assh*les and have issues but none of the men I’ve ever dated have had a problem telling me their last name or where they work (eg the company) once we’ve met in person a few times. Withholding this information is a bit of a red flag since the most you could really do with it is do some online stalking, and they shouldn’t have much of a problem with you seeing what they post unless they are trying to hide something.

Once you’ve moved on I think all this would make an interesting conversation for a date actually.

Yeah that's fair, next time I will check how open they are being with me and take it as a red flag if after some dates they seem guarded about their true identity.

You just don't expect because their last name etc hasn't come up in conversation they're going to lie about being seriously ill / their whole identity / make up a brother to spin you tales of how their treatment is going. To me that's extreme and I'd think they'd only be cagey about their life if they were planning on doing a runner.

I will be more careful in future though. I think at the beginning I let a lot of odd details slide because I'm naturally not a confrontational person.

 

[Imjusta_Teenage_Dirtbag]

That is insane! He really got himself caught out when he asked for your number and called you though. I bet your friend was gutted though that he had led her on for no reason. Did he even have a brother?

Personally I think he used me as an out cos my mate weren’t giving up holding out for him from what I can gather….I told him that I have to tell her and there was no real arguing against me, so I basically did the hard work for him. For sure she was gutted, she sent him a final text calling him all the names under the sun to get out of her system and moved on from there. It took a while for her to trust again though which is understandable.

We know he had a brother but we can’t say for sure if he had any involvement at all or just had his name dragged into it.

 

[TheGlossy]

Google the brother to see if anything comes up (just first name and city if you have it).

Also, wouldn’t need his last name to send a card to the hospital? Likelihood is he won’t give any info about his last name or hospital since these would be a dead giveaway.

Honestly, I don’t know how you can date someone whose last name is still a mystery to you after 6 months of dating. This part really baffles me because it’s a safety mater to me. Did you try asking for his last name before all this?

Did you meet him online first or how did you meet it? You don’t want to answer these, that’s fine, but the way you met him could be an indicator as well.

 

[candyland_]

The photo thing crossed my mind but I’m sure you would get an excuse.

 

[HelloStereo]

It’s very telling he didn’t even mention what type of cancer he supposedly has. It’s the most basic information. I guess he did not want to tell you a fabricated cancer type so you wouldn’t go around Googling every treatment step he claims he’s undergoing to compare the real treatment information can find online. He’s keeping quiet about this to make up his story and amplify it as he goes.

Yeah I'm guessing the more specific he is the harder it is to lie. Also then you have to remember more details which gets harder the more details you give.

This has an episode of “Catfish” written all over it - if you’ve ever seen the show, you would’ve seen there’s people out there who lie about this stuff for YEARS.

I honestly find it really weird that his “brother” is messaging you - if your sibling was really poorly in hospital, would you be spending time messaging someone they were having casual dates with, that you’d never met?

I personally would block but if you want to be nice about it, send a message first and just say you’re so sorry but there’s literally no support you can offer if you don’t even know this man’s last name, can’t visit him and can’t contact him directly. That you wish him the best and hope it all works out and maybe you’ll reconnect in the future. Block. Move on.

He apparently told his brother to keep me updated when he can't...it is intense how his brother is always gushing over T and trying to pry my thoughts. He'd always be like "he's so kind, the kindest person in the world" etc.

I agree though about stepping away. He even said he doesn't want to see me right now so what use am I being really

I also get a lot of "I don't know" answers to questions. I said if he's just sedated all the time and has had treatment then does it mean the treatment isn't working or will he not need to be sedated eventually and get "I don't know". Or what the future plans are for treatment I get "I don't know".

This is from someone who apparently shouted at a poor customer service rep from his phone company because they couldn't unlock his phone. I also don't think your phone carrier can unlock your phone. I read and you need to do a factory reset...

 

[HelloStereo]

I’d message from another phone pretending to be a lad and text him saying ‘You out for a pint tomorrow mate?’ See if he’s living his normal life.

I thought about this and messaging to try and force his hand and call his bluff etc.

I was in two minds as to whether to do that or just not sink to playing games and just leaving it.

 

[Dogtanian]

Not sure if anyone’s mentioned this, sorry I only read the first page so apologies if this doubles up on anyone else.

I agree that it sounds like fantasy/munchausen (sp?) but IF you want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

1/. The brother contacts you, from his own phone and gives his full name and town where he lives.
2. Your bf tells you his full name, address and company
3. Hospital where he’s having treatment so you can go along and hold his hand or visit him.

Anything else or any deflection and you block his ass.

 

[HelloStereo]

i’m almost disappointed that he didn’t have the nerve to try it! he was brazen enough about everything else

At least he'd actually be getting something out of it right? You hear of loads of people setting up fake GoFundMe pages etc. Maybe he just wanted to be different, he's "not like other men" afterall...

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

The last name thing just seems a bit dodgy. Cos you always automatically find out someone’s name anyway. If you’re dating someone who is real and isn’t having you as a bit on the side you usually add each other in socials and find out their Last name just In general convo. Just the fact he’s not told her seems shady to me.

I feel like after a few dates it’s kind of weird if you don’t have a last name and have maybe connected on some kind of social media etc? Idk as I’ve not dated for years tbf but if I were to, I would definitely want to validate who someone is after say twice meeting them

Same!! I’ve pretty much just said the same sort of thing

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Oh that's awful, I'm sorry that happened to you. It's mad to what extent he went to to lie.

I'm not entertaining it any more but it's interesting to hear other people have had similar happen to them. It's so cruel to toy with someone's emotions and pretend you're seriously ill when you're not at all.

Have you heard from him recently??