Liz Jones - You Magazine Columnist

[The Devils Arse]

well I didn't bother reading last weeks drivel, but read it today..erm don't have a clue what she's going on about, did she have sex with David again, or is she rambling on about someone else, who knows, but apparently the sex was not good, a bit like her diary, when is this nonsense getting shelved, it's just totally pointless

I'm as bewildered as you as to who she had sex with, and I read last week's drivel.

 

[Miss Anne Thrope]

Liz got a new rescue dog yesterday from Romania, an enormous, very timid, quite young border collie called Teddy, she has already given him food from Waitrose.

Demonstrating yet again how she landed herself in bankruptcy. Honestly! Waitrose food for a dog?

 

[Mediastar]

Oh joy. The mad collie collector of Easby has yet another rescue collie to join her three other untrained dogs. He is, allegedly, enormous. She briefly opines how sad it was that human immigrants drowned in the channel. Then has a crack at what must be going through his mind: will I meet my mummy? Will I know it's Christmas time at all? (I am not joking). Jeez.

 

[shushablay]

The week in podcast:

Liz says that the movie The Father glamourises dementia. She reads out the infamous column she wrote about her mother's dementia. This is the same column in which Liz published those hideous photos of her mother. Liz says she could not care for her mother as it was like having a "giant toddler" around and this would be "a big blot on (Liz and Nirpal's) lovely life." There is an anecdote about how her mother hit her head hard because Liz dropped her accidentally, it seems Liz did not tell her mother's nurses about this even though it could have been fatal. She states she wrote the column because a hot political issue at the time was the idea that families should be providing care instead of the state paying for it. Liz wanted to demonstrate why this wasn't possible for her - well, that's fine but naturally the column was all about me, me, me and what an imposition it was on Liz! She recounts an incident where she and Nirpal visited and she didn't want him to see the family's "hideous 60s semi", so she encouraged him to leave after five minutes and lie to her mother that they'd been there for an hour. Nic justifies this behaviour with "you can't change who you are", and admits she is not sharp enough to understand the plot of The Father.

Liz sneers at the fact that Nic bought her a pair of trousers from Zara as a birthday present, and Nic wearing clothes from the high street. Liz made Nic take the trousers back and Nic self-deprecatingly says that she "tried and failed." They also insult Liz's other "friend" Isabel, by name, for buying her a pair of Crocs. Liz says it was a deliberate insult and Isabel knew she hates Crocs. If they still have a friendship after this, Isabel is an even bigger fool than Nic.

We finally get to this week's column. Remember the brain scan? Liz had an appointment with a consultant, who didn't seem aware that Liz had even had a brain scan. He arranged "balance tests" for Liz in November. Liz wrote an abusive letter to her GP, who gave a polite explanation. Liz does not believe this explanation, and bitches and moans about the NHS being incompetent. She ended the column by saying she won't be clapping for her GP or "the stony-faced, miserable old cow of a nurse" and says in the podcast that she "doesn't give a stuff" that people will think this is rude. Takes a "stony-faced, miserable old cow" to know one, doesn't it Liz? We finish with her reading out some totally authentic letters from readers trashing Nirpal.

that is entirely despicable, what a nasty, filthy piece of trash that woman is, please if there is karma in this world let her be cancelled, whilst in many ways I don't agree with cancel culture, obviously everyone is entitled to an opinion, that though, is not an opinion in my estimate, it is a vomit of bile, from an aged, ugly harridan, who deserves nothing but total contempt...she is disgusting

Also now she will not get a click from me, whilst my morbid curiosity would often get the better of me, and I would read the column, even if just to raise my eyes in disbelief at the lies and venom she would spout, but I have had enough of a preview and like the other week when I got a heads up from here, I will not be reading that shit!

 

[Nosmo_King]

B

I think she went for something cartoonish looking on purpose. I also suspect she told as many people as possible that she was really thin but had to do that for work. A more interesting take would have been to pad her out all over to about a size 18 or 20, a size a lot of us are. Then she might have gotten an insight into what it's like to feel invisable and judged at the same time. But I don't think Liz would have been able to cope with that. People might not have realised she is super skinny and wearing a fat suit! They might have thought she was actually just that size, like so many people and there is no way she could have lived with it. So no, make her look like a female Nutty Professor instead. That'll teach her empathy....

There's no way she's super skinny, much as she'd like us all to believe. Slim yes, super skinny, no way.

 

[JNRS90]

I’m going to guess Ronnie from T’Pau.

 

[Noseyoldcow]

Hahaha I’m another teenage reader at home and occasionally at my in laws on a Sunday as the read the DM.
I always used to wonder if people actually live lives like that in “fancy London town”

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Liz won't get a boyfriend/husband with money (especially not a Mail reader that shares her values) when she is advertising every week that the Myla thong and its contents come out for any man who'll pay for dinner and maybe a hotel room, if the sex cottage isn't available

 

[ClockworkDolly]

Woe is me Liz Jones. For someone who regularly dishes out the dirt on just about everyone she encounters in life, it is a little rich of her to have a whole column dedicated to her whine-fest! If she wasn’t so needy, so desperate to look perfect the whole time and lightened up, she might find that men, in particular, might be attracted to her. No man wants a high maintenance woman such as Liz. They want a woman who is relaxed and carefree, not one who hurried to the loo to sort out her corner lashes! I cringe when I read her weekly column.

 

[Catt]

At least Nige from Dorset still wants her

(I wouldn’t be surprised if Nige is Liz!)

 

[Kikini Bamalam]

I've just read the Liz Jones wiki, she really is unbelieveable. I haven't read her column for a long time but she seems to be even worse than she was back then. She must have no self-awareness, or the awareness that being her horrible self is a good earner.


She sounded as awful and self-obessed as I would imagine. After she was introduced she said that Jo Good had forgotten to mention that she has won Columnist of the Year award. Apparently her book "8-and-a half-stone" (which Jo Good retitled "Size 8 and a...oh" is written from the point of view of an overweight woman. She also said she is an introvert.

It can be heard on BBC Sounds at 2:07:45 (BBC Radio London Jo Good 21/07/21).

Introvert my arse, she is a cunting fuckwit!

 

[emm]

But nobody really does.

She was married to this young and reluctant author - BTW never heard of him again after he published the book he wrote when he was with her - who she had to pay for and her last partner also lived off her and never really did anything for her.

I feel a bit sorry for her.

I would feel sorry for her, but she is so awful to everyone close to her, she is awful about her family

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Yes she actually referred to someone as "Numb Nuts" in the national press. While continuing to insist her "columnist of the year" award means anything and that she is "the best writer in Britain."

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Does she though , or is it all in her head / imagined for her column

That is very true

Also, what's with the whole "it's SO RUDE to ask someone if they have their hearing aids in?" Why is it rude if you want them to be able to actually hear you? After all isn't Liz supposed to be "profoundly deaf"

 

[Kam2243]

She’s had a CT scan, which is minutes long on the head. But it doesn’t sound as dramatic as a “brain scan” does it. The ENT team will be looking to see how the Eustachian tubes are functioning, and what’s going on in her ears.

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

Robert Plant is due to release an album in November with Alison Krauss ... although again I believe the "Rock Star" is fake (especially given the constant implications he was Kerr)

 

[witchofwestbyfleet]

The Week in Jones (podcast recap). Cut cuz it's long!

Spoiler

Liz is again bragging about getting "backlash" for identifying Russell publicly. She says it's normal to Google someone you're looking for - yes, it is, but Liz signed up to multiple subscription websites. She repeats her claim that he was a "film star" and it's all OK because she "actually knows" him. You knew him over 40 years ago! Liz claims she only used the term "buttery soft leather" once, in 1997. And that she hasn't bought a new bag since the 1990s (her current bag is a decades-old freebie) so it's not fair to question her veganism. Liz and Nic whine "why don't you attack hunters or the fur industry instead of Liz?" Nic references having been stalked twice including by the neighbour in Yorkshire which was rumoured to be because Liz was trying to get Nic to charm him into selling his land.

Liz wrote a "huge", "probably award-winning" piece in the Mail about "her love affair with Gucci" to capitalise on the release of House of Gucci. She makes fun of Nic wearing "cheap sequins." Liz equates herself with Carrie Bradshaw and says that mothers are "drudges" who feel threatened by women without children. She witters endlessly about her Sex and the City obsession. Liz's archive column is about SATC, which she published in the Telegraph in 1998. The column is all about how she "dated models" and she again preens about Russell the "film star."

This week's column: Liz talks about catching up with an old colleague, which is basically just an excuse for Liz to name-drop. She says that when she first knew David she lied to him about working on Harper's & Queen, and then got caught out when he went to their office looking for her. She is incapable of telling a man the truth. She boasts about getting so many freebies over the years, and getting to know George Michael. He told her that people kept expecting him to pay for everything and Liz swoons, JUST like her!!!111 Liz talks about how much she's given people over the years and how much they expect etc. etc. She says she once gave her PA a Louis Vuitton suitcase, and the PA is now no longer in touch with her. Is this person supposed to be at your mercy forever because you gave them a present once? She also thinks that if she gives someone a present, they should not object if she decides to "mention their name in a piece of copy."

Liz again gets in more jibes about how she hates other women, especially those with children. She repeats the word "chippy" ad nauseam. And again whines that if Decca Aitkenhead is lauded for writing about her breast cancer and the death of her husband, it's not fair to criticise Liz's writing. Isobel is back in favour because she brought Liz a vegan restaurant meal when Liz was tired after taking care of the horses. Remember Liz's planned booty call last week? She refers to it, but doesn't go into detail - she's gonna drag this one out for as long as she can! We finish with some "reader feedback" begging her to contact Nigel. Probably all written and posted to her by Nic ...

 

[VeeJayBee]

...
There is a phase that many girls go through when their first real crush is on a 'pop star' who would be considered broadly androgynous (Marc Bolan, say, or early Bowie) then grow through it. Jones is trapped for ever as a Jackie reader who once glimpsed a copy of Just Seventeen, was absolutely horrified and was determined nothing would change.

 

[ClockworkDolly]

And we’re back with the black Myla thong

Anyone would think she only had the one thong.

 

[House of Tea]

Liz needs to reinvent herself. Not sure what as, but her present “persona” has run out of steam. Nobody is really interested anymore.