I just wanted to say that I think you're doing amazingly well, under very testing circumstances.
I have a lot of admiration and respect for you, it's not the same but I was born with a heart defect and I've had open heart surgery, and if that's what it comes down to with you, then don't worry, they have a way of making even complicated procedures look easy these days, and I was in and out of hospital fairly quickly and it didn't take long to recover.
I was also told that a positive mental attitude helps in recovery by the doctors and that stuck with me, the body responds to our willingness to get better.
If doctors and surgery are the answer then so be it, if affirmations or a positive attitude help (and I am sure they do) then go for it.
I do understand your pain regarding wanting to be a fitter and more active mum, before I had surgery my son was only a toddler, and I had a scary incident where he got out of his buggy and ran off and I had angina at the time, and had to run after him...well it was the scariest moment of my life, because I had very bad heart palpitations and I darn well nearly collapsed ..it's one of those moments...where my life nearly flashed in front of me ..and by the grace of God I just about managed (I still don't know how) to grab my son and strap him in his buggy again...he could have got lost or worse killed...I knew I had surgery scheduled so I hung on in there....but I was in no way fit to look after my kids, so I remember that feeling of frustration and unfairness and also my husband working and not having help from people and actually it was quite scary at times.
So I feel for you, that's hard and I really hope that you do can get some help and release....one thing at a time, everything impacts everything else, but all it takes is one issue to start to be resolved and then it has a knock on effect.
I'm a bit of a lapsed Christian and at times I've been known to pray, use religious oracle cards, meditate, practice breathing exercises, write down positive affirmations (usually sleep with them under my pillow) in fact anything and everything.
The message being that your life is important and you have a right to love and healing and assistance.
You have been incredibly brave that counts, in your words shines out the desire to be healed and to get on with life, and not to fall into a victim mentality, even though no one would blame you in the slightest if you'd reached the point of being fed up with it all.
Know that you're doing the best you can, and that things often come in clusters I understand that.
Every single time I've had toddlers...for example something traumatic (health wise) has happened.
As I wrote about my heart surgery, also another time when my boys were little (I have four children) my husband got cancer...(which he is now in remission for) and then with my daughter she reached two and got very ill and nearly died ...(thank god she recovered) so what I'm saying is I understand the vulnerability of being a loving mother....(and in my family is very deeply buried past trauma) so it felt like every time when my kids were little, we were severely tested, I've been through hell trying to resolve that ... literally...
I have nearly died, so too my husband, and my daughter...and my son's ended up being autistic.
We also have lots of issues that I think were passed down to us (narcissistic/alcoholic abusive parents) and it all got dumped on us.
So I understand how hard it is...when everything seems to be on your back...and it's crisis after crisis...but slowly but surely we got through it....so there is hope...hold onto that one.
@oddsock17 made some brilliant suggestions that helped me, particularly Dr Bradley Nelson and the emotion code and also Evette Rose and the metaphysical anatomy....also I get good feelings from any of Louise Hay's work.
I've incorporated them into my life, and I wouldn't say I'm fully healed but I feel like I'm getting there and yes I still have long term health issues and yes I still have to take medication, but my heart palpitations and irregularities have calmed down considerably, and I'm a lot calmer and more self aware (I'm starting to observe myself now and my health, and take action whenever problems arise, before I always waited until it was an emergency, putting myself last), that is not a way to live?
That's changed and so has my attitude, I'm starting to heal myself... because when I needed it I accepted the help of the medical establishment and I'm grateful, but now it's up to me.
I'm sure you'll be able to do it too, one step at a time, you've come so far already, and you've proved in your life you are a capable and imaginative person, so that will help you.
You have already imagined a future for yourself and manifested it, in lots of different area's, so have faith that this is possible, you can do this, what you need will come to you.
Take care
and love and all the best.
Sorry about the extra long post! If you don't feel like reading it, fair enough, I just felt your situation, and I just want to offer my support and encouragement, in having gone through something maybe a little bit similar.
. Good luck with everything and take care you are worth it.