Charles woke up after a coke fueled week, one morning, in bed next to a swollen-looking mare. He immediately jumped out of bed, brushed off pieces of pizza off his body, and scrambled to find his clothes. When he looked up again, he startled backwards. There was the swollen mare posing in his favorite shirt. She stared lovingly at him and said: "morning handsome," in her best sultry voice. He dashed for the door. Unfortunately he looked back for a split second, and tumbled down the stairs.
***
When he came to, he was lying in bed surrounded by darkness. He knew he wasn't alone for he eerily recognised the snoring beside him. His head and back hurt but he he had to escape. He quietly exited the bedroom and slowly worked his way down the stairs. His heartbeat raced with each step until relief washed over him when he touched the living room floor. Glancing the room, he spotted a phone on the coffee table. He recognised it was his and hobbled towards it. He was going to call for help once he was safely out the house and down the street.
A block away from the flat, he unlocked his screen saver. He noticed something strange... 14 000 instagram notifications. What? Maybe the mare had a similar phone...this couldn't be his. His only followers were Kris Boyson, his mother and his nan. Nanny typed too slowly, 14 000 messages would take her a year to send. He clicked on a notification to pull it up... The page was his. He had fans?!? How?
***
That same night, a week ago, Charles had hobbled back to the strange flat. He had returned to the mare, but had silently promised himself that he'll only stick around until the new year. Unfortunately, she bought herself a wedding band, and he had a re-think that'll he stick it out until Christmas.
Why was it so difficult to stay? He had 24 000 fans just for showing her a little attention, it seemed like a small price to pay. She paid for all his meals, introduced him to her agent, and paid for his blow dries and man sculpting.
Looking in the mirror, he coached himself. Maybe he should push for Easter. Yes! That's what he'll do, he thought. He'll stay with her until Easter. He's bound to have a million followers by then. Maybe he could also become a regular in the Daily Mail's car park walks. That was his dream.
***
Just a day later, after he talked himself into staying, Charles wakes up to a message from the mare. He found out weeks ago from the Papa John's delivery man that her name was Laura... Lori... something like that. He called her Babe to avoid getting it wrong. Anyway the message:
"I can't sleep. I'm lying next to you kissing you in your sleep..."
Nope! Charles thought. He leaped out of bed and dived straight out the nearest window. With bruises and cuts all over his body, Charles ran and he ran and he ran.
anybody else would have understandably ran
