Late Diagnosis ADHD/ADD (Women) #2

[unidentified]

I’ve had the outcome. Wasn’t prepared to cry as much as I have. I am now diagnosed adhd. What a rollercoaster of emotions this is. I’m exhausted.

 

[Princess of Scots]

I'm awaiting testing for ADHD . I'm 23. I have tried to study three separate times yet I just can't seem to cope with it. I feel like a failure in life. I feel like I need to work 20 times harder to still be 10 steps behind. I've changed career plans and attempted to study 3 times. I'm on my third college course and I'm failing out. I've tried contacting student support and lecturers but because I'm not diagnosed I'm unable to get any support.

i can't focus at all. I can't seem to retain any information. I gave up my entire social life to study and I'm still failing out.

I'm ashamed of who I am. I just wish I could actually achieve something with my life.

 

[Meg78]

Does anyone else struggle with decision paralysis until they’re on the edge of burnout, and then suddenly they have to do all of the things, or are you less self destructive than me

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I love looking up the IMDB trivia page after watching a film/show, it’s part of the experience for me.
And finding out things like, who directed it, what were their influences, how was it made, any gossip from the set, etc etc.

 

[Meg78]

Does anyone have any advice on friendships. I'm really sociable and good at greetings but it doesn't go much further I really struggle to have friendships on a deeper level? I had a friend recently who was really negative and everytime I saw her she just wanted to gossip about people it was so draining I couldn't see her anymore. I have someone I've become friends with but I am so fond of her I'm worried I'm going to mess up the friendship? She's going to realise I'm quite strange. Sorry this all sounds ridiculous i know.

Are you me? I feel EXACTLY the same! I get so anxious that I’m going to mess up and be too weird

 

[Mooncalf]

Start with where you are struggling.

A good realisation for me was that I struggle with the "easy" things and get energy / dopamine from the things that others would find objectively "hard". E.G other people write a To Do list and get things done in a given week, including blocking off time after work to clean the house, go to the gym, run some errands etc. Me - nope. If I'm to perform at work, I'm hyperfocusing all day, not eating lunch or taking bathroom breaks, and then I'm too burned out in the evening to transition into anything else.

If you looked at my life and my CV - you'd think, wow, this person is highly capable and quite impressive. The "hard" things - Moved countries and set up shop on my own several times, have had two successful career paths in two very competitive spaces by my mid 30s. Quite smart, ambitious, thrive in chaos etc. However - give me a quiet day with no fires or sirens going off and I will sit in ADHD paralysis, thinking about the million things I need to get done and doing absolutely nothing about it. Ask me about my 5-year plan and I'll freeze on the spot, I don't understand time the way a neurotypical person does and if it's not now, it's meaningless to me. I can't plan and that comes with loads of examples - struggled to settle in any country, struggled to buy a house despite lots of financial success, have been talking about doing a Masters for at least a decade now. Have been talking to my partner about renovating the house for at least three years now.

Another example is relationships and friendships. It's out of sight, out of mind for me. I will literally not think to text people or make plans if they're not in my immediate orbit. I've lost dozens of friendships that way. At the end of a work day, i can think of nothing worse than making weekend / whatever social plans, because the burnout from doing that "one thing" i.e career well, has come at the cost of everything else. I need no plans to recharge and regulate myself.

Hope some of this helps. ADHD in women expresses differently, and I think i've made it to almost 40 before getting diagnosed because I've masked and made one thing that's highly valued by society look good on paper.

I relate so hard to the part about excelling in your career but being too burned out to do literally anything else. I also look good on paper, I have a good degree, masters and teaching degree, own a house, etc. But I come home from work and literally sit there, not eating or doing any cleaning or housework, and on the weekends I just crash and don't leave the house or even get changed out of my pyjamas for the whole weekend sometimes, I definitely don't make plans with friends outside of work or do activities to try and meet new people. So yes I'm successful at my career but literally can't do laundry. Make it make sense.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I wish we could all find a way to feel less ashamed, and to work through the feelings of going so long without knowing what was “wrong” with us, and feeling like failures despite trying so hard.

I feel like the only answer is ”lots of therapy“, but it’s so hard to jump through all the right hoops, to organise that kind of thing with brains like ours, and be lucky enough to find a helpful AND understanding therapist.

 

[Meg78]

The ADHD tax is so real Just had a notification that I’ve been charged tor a veg box…. I was supposed to cancel the subscription in 2020. Every four weeks I log in and skip the deliveries, because you can’t cancel online you have to call and I would rather peel my skin off than make a phone call, so here we are four years later awaiting yet another silly overpriced box of vegetables I will forget are in the fridge. I’ve basically ordered a £16 box of compost. Happens every month and I will learn nothing from this experience

 

[Lucyxxxx]

I sware I'm undiagnosed ADHD. Felt this for YEARS. Like I'll be in a conversation and my mind just drifts off. I can't read instructions or follow verbal instructions. I can't read big chunks of writing like I can physically read it but the information doesn't sink in. Even as a kid I couldn't watch many films as I can't concentrate for that long. But then if I become interested in something I'll learn everything about it. Loads of people have asked me over the years if I'm ADHD but never been assessed or anything for it.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Despite finding many subjects interesting, virtually everything I read or Learn is leaving my head, shortly after it entering. During conversations half the time or most of it, I have little idea of what people are going on about. I know I'm not stupid, but I'm sure I seem very uneducated. It's something I feel I have to hide, so avoid lots of things. I've always been like it. Living in a world of my own. Created by me.

 

[nothanksbabes]

This is so interesting (this whole thread is so interesting) I’ve been brushing off all the stuff on SM because I thought all the symptoms were just how everyone is? Because I tick almost every single box of the symptoms list but I just see them as so normal I couldn’t imagine not being like that so I thought everyone is like that (does that make sense?) but recently I think things are starting to crescendo a bit for me, I explained to someone at work that when I’m in the office I put on rain noise and wear my headset because otherwise I get too distracted by having people around me and she said “me too - are we ND much?!” and I hadn’t really considered it was a factor - then I looked up all the symptoms and just stared at them thinking “well, they are all me”

I also have this thing which I describe as my brain feeling really BUSY which I tried to explain to my 5 yr old and I asked if she ever felt like that and she stared at me and said “no” very bluntly. I was chalking it up to being overwhelmed with being a mum of two young kids and being back at work and trying to keep the house in one piece but I don’t understand why I struggle so much.

I also don’t know if I should pursue a diagnosis, I’m not sure I would get much out of it, aside from the ability to tell people I have a diagnosis. Does any of that make sense? I’m actually a big supporter of diagnosis but not sure why for me I feel reticent about it.

anyway, this is exactly the thread I was hoping there was on here tonight.

My therapist keeps asking if I'll seek a diagnosis and I feel much like you do. I'd never even considered that I have ADHD until very recently (despite a friend suggesting it for a long time - I put my weirdness down to cPTSD). I guess I don't want to feel like someone who is looking for a diagnosis of anything, like I'm trying to excuse the fact I'm lazy and chaotic (I do not think this about anyone else of course!)

I really didn't think I had any symptoms - I'm quite intense and my brain never, ever stops but I just thought I was a bit odd, but it never held me back from friendships, although I now realise all my friends are likely neurodivergent in one way or another.

I found my old school reports this week and they really upset me. A lot about how I produce exemplary work and I'm naturally very bright but I don't apply myself, I don't show any enthusiasm for the subject, I view criticism as an attack, I am talkative and distract others (to this day, I am the person who'll lead everyone else astray), that I miss deadlines, that the work I produce is fantastic considering I cram it all into the last possible five minutes, that I'm a perfectionist and would rather do nothing than not be perfect... It was 22 years ago so I shouldn't care, but the idea that I create the perception that I just don't give a shit when I care deeply about everything... and how good I could have been had anyone ever identified this and helped me. Sigh.

 

[Hereforthelellls]

I was diagnosed at 40 in the middle of the pandemic. I still feel like I’m recovering from burnout and I also think at 43 perimenopause is making things more difficult. Just want to put that out there

 

[Sandyclaws]

This is so interesting (this whole thread is so interesting) I’ve been brushing off all the stuff on SM because I thought all the symptoms were just how everyone is? Because I tick almost every single box of the symptoms list but I just see them as so normal I couldn’t imagine not being like that so I thought everyone is like that (does that make sense?) but recently I think things are starting to crescendo a bit for me, I explained to someone at work that when I’m in the office I put on rain noise and wear my headset because otherwise I get too distracted by having people around me and she said “me too - are we ND much?!” and I hadn’t really considered it was a factor - then I looked up all the symptoms and just stared at them thinking “well, they are all me”

I also have this thing which I describe as my brain feeling really BUSY which I tried to explain to my 5 yr old and I asked if she ever felt like that and she stared at me and said “no” very bluntly. I was chalking it up to being overwhelmed with being a mum of two young kids and being back at work and trying to keep the house in one piece but I don’t understand why I struggle so much.

I also don’t know if I should pursue a diagnosis, I’m not sure I would get much out of it, aside from the ability to tell people I have a diagnosis. Does any of that make sense? I’m actually a big supporter of diagnosis but not sure why for me I feel reticent about it.

anyway, this is exactly the thread I was hoping there was on here tonight.

For me, the knowing for sure, the validation that came with the diagnoses was more than worth it. It's brought me peace

 

[Hollaaa]

Some of the people who've been nicest to me have been people I really don't know that well. It always seems like there's a tipping point of about 18 months with people where I feel like everything is going great and then out of nowhere I never hear from them again. Most of my friends who I just vibe with are probably on the spectrum, though. I don't really like it, feeling like there's no-one I could just phone and they'd be happy to hear from me, but I'm getting closer to accepting it.

 

[peekachu]

The ADHD tax is so real Just had a notification that I’ve been charged tor a veg box…. I was supposed to cancel the subscription in 2020. Every four weeks I log in and skip the deliveries, because you can’t cancel online you have to call and I would rather peel my skin off than make a phone call, so here we are four years later awaiting yet another silly overpriced box of vegetables I will forget are in the fridge. I’ve basically ordered a £16 box of compost. Happens every month and I will learn nothing from this experience

Oh my gosh, I do the same! I currently have a flower subscription that I have to skip. I really wish it was illegal to make customers call to cancel. I’ve wasted so much money on subscription services that I really didn’t need, I just try to avoid them now and not get lured in.

On a similar note, I signed up to a free trial for Spotify during lockdown and of course forgot to cancel. I had used a spare bank account that I kept some savings in, only realised 2 years later that I’d been paying monthly. Over £200 down the drain and I hadn’t used Spotify the whole time. Completely my own fault

 

[conrea37]

Really learned to identity burnout since my diagnosis to the point I’ve done lots today before work so I can do very little tomorrow and put myself on charge.
Also inspired a friend who’s seeking a referral albeit with the NHS, she’s ok with the long wait and knows if it would help her to save some money to go private. We get along so well and a lot of it is similar personalities. I was inspired by a friend so it’s nice to carry that on

 

[WeHadFunRight]

I've suspected for quite a while now that I have ADHD - I struggle with time blindness, if I don't add a reminder to my phone or write something down immediately then I will completely forget, I can never remember where I've put things...but I just started reading a book about adult ADHD (Dirty Laundry), and it's making me question whether I really do have it, because my symptoms are nowhere near as extreme as the lady in the book. I've never lost my iPhone or purse permanently, only around the house (she permanently lost three wallets and four sets of headphones in a short period of time for example). Instead of being late for everything, I'm usually super early cos I'm so paranoid about being late (the lady in the book has missed multiple trains and even flights). Is it possible to have ADHD to different degrees?! Could I be "high functioning" ADHD, or maybe I've just developed fairly good coping mechanisms? Would be interested to hear other people's experiences! I guess some of it is probably down to personality type?

This is so interesting (this whole thread is so interesting) I’ve been brushing off all the stuff on SM because I thought all the symptoms were just how everyone is? Because I tick almost every single box of the symptoms list but I just see them as so normal I couldn’t imagine not being like that so I thought everyone is like that (does that make sense?) but recently I think things are starting to crescendo a bit for me, I explained to someone at work that when I’m in the office I put on rain noise and wear my headset because otherwise I get too distracted by having people around me and she said “me too - are we ND much?!” and I hadn’t really considered it was a factor - then I looked up all the symptoms and just stared at them thinking “well, they are all me”

I also have this thing which I describe as my brain feeling really BUSY which I tried to explain to my 5 yr old and I asked if she ever felt like that and she stared at me and said “no” very bluntly. I was chalking it up to being overwhelmed with being a mum of two young kids and being back at work and trying to keep the house in one piece but I don’t understand why I struggle so much.

I also don’t know if I should pursue a diagnosis, I’m not sure I would get much out of it, aside from the ability to tell people I have a diagnosis. Does any of that make sense? I’m actually a big supporter of diagnosis but not sure why for me I feel reticent about it.

anyway, this is exactly the thread I was hoping there was on here tonight.

 

[Meg78]

I feel exactly the same! My son has an ADHD assessment next month and the more research I do the more I realise I have so many ADHD traits! I struggle to watch films and I can’t watch a series without googling what happens at the end because my body can’t handle the suspense.

I feel like this alone should be part of the assessment, I always have IMDB and Wikipedia up when watching anything nowadays, and I always remember faces and voices of smaller characters across shows and have to cross reference them

 

[Pjta]

Does anyone have any advice on friendships. I'm really sociable and good at greetings but it doesn't go much further I really struggle to have friendships on a deeper level? I had a friend recently who was really negative and everytime I saw her she just wanted to gossip about people it was so draining I couldn't see her anymore. I have someone I've become friends with but I am so fond of her I'm worried I'm going to mess up the friendship? She's going to realise I'm quite strange. Sorry this all sounds ridiculous i know.

 

[Meg78]

I have no idea what switched for me this week but I’ve suddenly decided to declutter and tidy, it’s an uphill slog and not an instant fix, but floordrobe has gone in the wash, duster is out and I listed a dozen items across vinted and facebook and sold most of them within 24 hours, making £400 and I just know that in spite of all the feel goods I will absolutely not learn my lesson putting the money into a savings account to save up and redecorate with, hoping it’ll keep me motivated!