Katie Hayes #23 Heads are spinning, Dena’s winning. Cheryl’s fled, where’s me head?!

[QueenBarb]

Just throwing it out there, I don’t think she’s had her yet. I reckon she’s done that last insta grid post the day before her due date and decided not to post anything until baby comes.

If she has already had her, I’d be surprised the type of person she is who posts every single second of her life hasn’t been tempted to post a photo of Olive yet. I couldn’t wait to show my 2 off when they came, my biggest achievements

 

[Queenofthescouse]

I doubt they would allow a photographer in due to COVID restrictions. She’s prob had daddy DIY going to Wirral met night classes to get his BTEC Photography

Can you imagine how super bespoke and dreamy that would be?

 

[HulaHoopla]

I have heard from a friend of the family that she has definitely had the baby. Just a case
of waiting for the bespoke announcement

 

[brumbrum16]

I have heard from a friend of the family that she has definitely had the baby. Just a case
of waiting for the bespoke announcement

Really? When? X

 

[Whatsthefuss]

And this is the thing......Instagram wasn’t around with my first but was with my second. Once we had told close family etc etc the first pic was up there and I didn’t care if it wasn’t the most bespoke outfit ever, it was a lovely sleepsuit from the Asda and that was it, because I had my little one and I was high on those new mum hormone it just didn’t matter.
Yes I’m not an influencer or whatever but unless she’s being paid for her very first baby pic then she’s a slave to the gram. I just could not live my life this way.

Why would an MUA want to drum up that much excitement for her first born? Surely it should be drumming up engagement for a collab with Morphe etc? I just don’t get it.

These babies that are used for money making purposes I feel really tight on. Different tones of grey balls in a pit, muted coloured toys and they only know their mum with a phone in their hand

 

[brumbrum16]

Shes gonna be called Oholive

 

[HulaHoopla]

Really? When? X

I think they said it was the Friday or the Saturday but she is definitely here. Really surprised Cheryl-who-is-40 chose this week to go away. She has been posted a few times earlier this month about ‘things going wrong’ and ‘things sent to try us’ then she goes away with just the girls...x

 

[QueenBarb]

And this is the thing......Instagram wasn’t around with my first but was with my second. Once we had told close family etc etc the first pic was up there and I didn’t care if it wasn’t the most bespoke outfit ever, it was a lovely sleepsuit from the Asda and that was it, because I had my little one and I was high on those new mum hormone it just didn’t matter.
Yes I’m not an influencer or whatever but unless she’s being paid for her very first baby pic then she’s a slave to the gram. I just could not live my life this way.

Why would an MUA want to drum up that much excitement for her first born? Surely it should be drumming up engagement for a collab with Morphe etc? I just don’t get it.

These babies that are used for money making purposes I feel really tight on. Different tones of grey balls in a pit, muted coloured toys and they only know their mum with a phone in their hand

Oh my god I know right!!!? Fully Grey homes like Grinch’s and muted coloured baby toys are my worst nightmare, don’t want to offend anyone but it just isn’t my thing. I love bright colours for my kids

 

[Little Bear]

Aaahh congratulations lovely hope you're feeling ok and trying to get as much sleep as you can xx

Do they still have them photographers at the hospital? It's been years since I had a baby so don't know if they still do. They were like war dictators, trying to force you into a picture. Mine were both in special care for a while and the second baby, this woman was practically trying to force me into getting pictures taken. I don't think they are allowed in SCBU though. I had to tell one of the midwives in the end because she was making me feel awful for not wanting pictures. Or maybe KHM will have her own bespoke photographer, bending her baby into mad positions for pictures for the gram

Thank you! Sleep has been non existent until last night - she took a few nights to get used to her snuzpod but i think we’ve finally cracked it

My mum asked about the newborn photos too, there didn’t seem to be and I forgot to ask to be honest. I think the day of smart phones etc now they probably went out of business!

 

[Penny4Em]

Just throwing it out there, I don’t think she’s had her yet. I reckon she’s done that last insta grid post the day before her due date and decided not to post anything until baby comes.

If she has already had her, I’d be surprised the type of person she is who posts every single second of her life hasn’t been tempted to post a photo of Olive yet. I couldn’t wait to show my 2 off when they came, my biggest achievements

I'm not convinced she's had her yet either. If she hasn't made her bespoke announcement by the end of today then she definitely hasn't.

She's going to be shady about the date of birth I reckon, because anyone who wants to work it out will realise that she did the chocolate smash announcement with her cousin's baby scan pic the very next morning after Matt's sperm hit the egg.

 

[Yellowpyjamas]

AT APH:

MIDWIFE: RIGHT KATE HUN YOU CAN FINALLY MEET YOUR BABY GERL CONGRATS, HERE SHE IS

*Olive is passed over the surgery screen and held in the air like a fish that’s just been caught in the sea*

DELO: FUCKIN HELL KATE SHES ERE!! 2 BECOME 3 GERL!!

THM: MATT! FUCKEN JUS GET ME PHONE NOW THOUGHT I FUCKIN SAID TO GIVE IT ME BEFORE THIS MIDWIFE HANDS HER OVER TO ME MMMKAY???!!

*Delo dives head first into his overnight bag flapping about looking for her phone whilst Kate is looking down at him picking her nose, both nostrils at the same time*

THM: *points with her middle finger to her gifted bag* ITS IN MY BAG YA head, GET OUT YOUR UNNECESSARY OVERNIGHT BAG QUICK MMMKAY, LOOK NEAR ME NEAR THE CANDLES, PAMPAS GRASS & BREATH SPRAY!!!!!

*Delo goes cross eyed for a few seconds trying to find it, finally sees it all covered in orange Dior finger marks and a strip eyelash - hands it to Momma*

MIDWIFE: HERE YOU GO SHES ALL SWADDLED HERE - WHAT ARE YA GONNA CALL HER????

Delo: A REALLY BESPOKE NAME. DO YOU WANT ANY PANELLING DOING BY THE WAY? GOT ME WORK PHONE ON ME CAN BOOK YA IN?

THM: A NAME MMMKAY, SO SO RARE, THAT NO ONE WILL EVER GUESS. A NAME SO OLD IT IS ONLY FOUND IN THE BIBLE MMKAY AND OLD HISTORY BOOKS. A NAME SO AMAZING NO ONE WILL GET IT

*Health visitor side steps into the door and is hit in the face by THM’s rancid breath that’s filled the room*

Health Visitor: *holding her nose* I AM HEALTH VISITOR KATE ... AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY LEAKED THE BABIES NAME ON INSTAGRAM VIA A DUMMY CLIP

THM: YOU ON TATTLE? MMKAY, YOU A TROLL????

MIDWIFE: DO YA DO PANELLING YEAH? ILL GIVE YA MY NUMBER IM NESTON AREA. DO YA CONVERT TINY GARAGES INTO TINY INADEQUATE LIVING ROOMS TOO???

HEALTH VISITOR: IS IT OLIVE?

DELO: I DO YEAH. FOLLOW MY INSTA AND ILL MESSAGE YA. SOZ HV BUT YOUR THE bleeping QUEEN OF TATTLE, BEST GET OUT NOW OR ILL BE KNOCKING ON YA MAMS DOOR.

*Health visitor runs towards delivery room door leaving behind a shoe like Cinderella, turns back and waits for Delo to look round, he does a phone sign with his hand to her with dead pan eyes*

THM: SHE IS GORGEOUS HONESTLY IVE NEVER SEEN A MORE BESPOKE BABY, MATT SHES YOUR PRINCESS ISNT SHE MATT? MMKAY MATT YOU OBSESSED? IM SO OBSESSED! BEST BABY EVER!!!!!!! LEMME RING CHEZZA

*dials Chez whilst the midwife tries to whack THM’s leaky tyre tit into poor Olives tiny tired mouth, Delo tries to squeeze a tear out hoping THM will see*

CHEZ: IYA BABE!!! OORRRRRR IVE BEEN WAITING BY MY PHONE GERL. I SAID TO BAAYLAY duck THE HATERS! YOU ARE SO ICONIC KATE. HEARD FROM DENA? IVE BLOCKED HER NAH.

THM: SHES HERE LUV, SHES AMAYZIN, MMMKAY, 10LB 8, GOT MY ENLARGED NOSE, NOT MUCH HAIR BUT ILL DRAG A TOOTHBRUSH THROUGH ANYWAY LIKE FOR THE GRAM. THE SECTION WAS GIFTED YA KNOW!!! HOWS IBIZA MMKAY?

CHEZ: CARRNT WAIT TO SEE HER, CAN YOU BELIEVE MARK IS ASKING ME WHERE HIS JEANS ARE? IBIZA IS GORGE HUN, LEFT MY HOOVER ROUND THE POOL YESTERDAY WHILE I WENT FOR A tit, TOLD BAYLAY KEEP AN EYE ON IT AND SOMEONES bleeping HAD OFF WITH IT

THM: OK HUN WELL I AM SO TIRED FROM ALL THIS DELIVERY MMKAY, I HAVE 10000’S OF STITCHES BUT MY SCAR IS BASICALLY INVISIBLE IM SO LUCKY. GONNA GIVE MATT AN ULTIMATUM TOMORROW WHICH FORCES HIM INTO PROPOSING, SO, YEAH.

CHEZ: YOU ARE A BOSS BABE.

*THM puts the phone down on top of Olives head, looks down at her daughter and her face lights up, she just realised the babies head is the perfect phone holder she can still scroll insta/tattle

MIDWIFE: YOUR DOING WELL KATE, KEEP YA TIT IN HER MOUTH AND LETS KEEP THE SKIN TO SK - WAIT LET ME JUST LOOK AT BABY...

DELO: WHY WHATS THE MATTER?

MIDWIFE: HER SKIN, ITS...

*THM looks down and notices all her tit strawberry mouse BPERFECT tan is all over poor bloody Olive*

THM: OH ITS THIS AMAYYYZIN TAN MMKAY, ILL WIPE IT OFF WHEN SHES FINISHED ON MY LEAKING BURGER NIP. DO YOU WANT MY DISCOUNT CODE TO ORDER SOME MMKAY?

*Midwife takes baby’s paperwork and leaves the room*

DELO: KATE THE LADS ARE OUT IN TOWN TONIGHT GERL GONNA GO WET THE BABYS HEAD.

THM: FUCKIN HELL MATT, MMKAY I KNEW THIS WAS COMING, THROWING ME ORANGE JUICE AT ME ON INSTA THE OTHER DAY LIKE A KNOB, LOOKING FED UP AS duck, SUP WITH YA DADDY DIY MMKAY?

*Delo shakes his head and moonwalks out the room all the way to the lift*

duck off I’m in tears here

 

[Brooke Davis]

Soz to the baby haters who think we’re obsessed. But I had a dream last night that KHM posted on Sunday evening, it was a picture of her on a chair in her garden breast feeding or looked like it in colour. Then second photo was all of them together similar to baby shower photo

we should have all done a sweepstake!

 

[Blair-Waldorf]

Oh my god I know right!!!? Fully Grey homes like Grinch’s and muted coloured baby toys are my worst nightmare, don’t want to offend anyone but it just isn’t my thing. I love bright colours for my kids

It’s a recipe for disaster because 1) the ‘perfect hinched’ Instagram gaffs are not baby and child friendly i’m not arsed what anyone says, little sticky handprints everywhere food lashed all over the floor, I used to have the worst anxiety over it washing the walls and doors the second my kid was in bed and screaming inside whenever she dropped crumbs on the floor.. it wasn’t till lockdown when we were at home all day I had a weird epiphany and realised it’s only mess it can be cleaned at the end of the day it takes ten mins to run the hoover round and quickly mop before bed. And also 2) all the muted colours it can trigger autism or a child being overwhelmed when they go to school and nursery and there’s bright colours everywhere it was be so over stimulating

 

[Dontevengothere]

AT APH:

MIDWIFE: RIGHT KATE HUN YOU CAN FINALLY MEET YOUR BABY GERL CONGRATS, HERE SHE IS

*Olive is passed over the surgery screen and held in the air like a fish that’s just been caught in the sea*

DELO: FUCKIN HELL KATE SHES ERE!! 2 BECOME 3 GERL!!

THM: MATT! FUCKEN JUS GET ME PHONE NOW THOUGHT I FUCKIN SAID TO GIVE IT ME BEFORE THIS MIDWIFE HANDS HER OVER TO ME MMMKAY???!!

*Delo dives head first into his overnight bag flapping about looking for her phone whilst Kate is looking down at him picking her nose, both nostrils at the same time*

THM: *points with her middle finger to her gifted bag* ITS IN MY BAG YA head, GET OUT YOUR UNNECESSARY OVERNIGHT BAG QUICK MMMKAY, LOOK NEAR ME NEAR THE CANDLES, PAMPAS GRASS & BREATH SPRAY!!!!!

*Delo goes cross eyed for a few seconds trying to find it, finally sees it all covered in orange Dior finger marks and a strip eyelash - hands it to Momma*

MIDWIFE: HERE YOU GO SHES ALL SWADDLED HERE - WHAT ARE YA GONNA CALL HER????

Delo: A REALLY BESPOKE NAME. DO YOU WANT ANY PANELLING DOING BY THE WAY? GOT ME WORK PHONE ON ME CAN BOOK YA IN?

THM: A NAME MMMKAY, SO SO RARE, THAT NO ONE WILL EVER GUESS. A NAME SO OLD IT IS ONLY FOUND IN THE BIBLE MMKAY AND OLD HISTORY BOOKS. A NAME SO AMAZING NO ONE WILL GET IT

*Health visitor side steps into the door and is hit in the face by THM’s rancid breath that’s filled the room*

Health Visitor: *holding her nose* I AM HEALTH VISITOR KATE ... AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY LEAKED THE BABIES NAME ON INSTAGRAM VIA A DUMMY CLIP

THM: YOU ON TATTLE? MMKAY, YOU A TROLL????

MIDWIFE: DO YA DO PANELLING YEAH? ILL GIVE YA MY NUMBER IM NESTON AREA. DO YA CONVERT TINY GARAGES INTO TINY INADEQUATE LIVING ROOMS TOO???

HEALTH VISITOR: IS IT OLIVE?

DELO: I DO YEAH. FOLLOW MY INSTA AND ILL MESSAGE YA. SOZ HV BUT YOUR THE bleeping QUEEN OF TATTLE, BEST GET OUT NOW OR ILL BE KNOCKING ON YA MAMS DOOR.

*Health visitor runs towards delivery room door leaving behind a shoe like Cinderella, turns back and waits for Delo to look round, he does a phone sign with his hand to her with dead pan eyes*

THM: SHE IS GORGEOUS HONESTLY IVE NEVER SEEN A MORE BESPOKE BABY, MATT SHES YOUR PRINCESS ISNT SHE MATT? MMKAY MATT YOU OBSESSED? IM SO OBSESSED! BEST BABY EVER!!!!!!! LEMME RING CHEZZA

*dials Chez whilst the midwife tries to whack THM’s leaky tyre tit into poor Olives tiny tired mouth, Delo tries to squeeze a tear out hoping THM will see*

CHEZ: IYA BABE!!! OORRRRRR IVE BEEN WAITING BY MY PHONE GERL. I SAID TO BAAYLAY duck THE HATERS! YOU ARE SO ICONIC KATE. HEARD FROM DENA? IVE BLOCKED HER NAH.

THM: SHES HERE LUV, SHES AMAYZIN, MMMKAY, 10LB 8, GOT MY ENLARGED NOSE, NOT MUCH HAIR BUT ILL DRAG A TOOTHBRUSH THROUGH ANYWAY LIKE FOR THE GRAM. THE SECTION WAS GIFTED YA KNOW!!! HOWS IBIZA MMKAY?

CHEZ: CARRNT WAIT TO SEE HER, CAN YOU BELIEVE MARK IS ASKING ME WHERE HIS JEANS ARE? IBIZA IS GORGE HUN, LEFT MY HOOVER ROUND THE POOL YESTERDAY WHILE I WENT FOR A tit, TOLD BAYLAY KEEP AN EYE ON IT AND SOMEONES bleeping HAD OFF WITH IT

THM: OK HUN WELL I AM SO TIRED FROM ALL THIS DELIVERY MMKAY, I HAVE 10000’S OF STITCHES BUT MY SCAR IS BASICALLY INVISIBLE IM SO LUCKY. GONNA GIVE MATT AN ULTIMATUM TOMORROW WHICH FORCES HIM INTO PROPOSING, SO, YEAH.

CHEZ: YOU ARE A BOSS BABE.

*THM puts the phone down on top of Olives head, looks down at her daughter and her face lights up, she just realised the babies head is the perfect phone holder she can still scroll insta/tattle

MIDWIFE: YOUR DOING WELL KATE, KEEP YA TIT IN HER MOUTH AND LETS KEEP THE SKIN TO SK - WAIT LET ME JUST LOOK AT BABY...

DELO: WHY WHATS THE MATTER?

MIDWIFE: HER SKIN, ITS...

*THM looks down and notices all her tit strawberry mouse BPERFECT tan is all over poor bloody Olive*

THM: OH ITS THIS AMAYYYZIN TAN MMKAY, ILL WIPE IT OFF WHEN SHES FINISHED ON MY LEAKING BURGER NIP. DO YOU WANT MY DISCOUNT CODE TO ORDER SOME MMKAY?

*Midwife takes baby’s paperwork and leaves the room*

DELO: KATE THE LADS ARE OUT IN TOWN TONIGHT GERL GONNA GO WET THE BABYS HEAD.

THM: FUCKIN HELL MATT, MMKAY I KNEW THIS WAS COMING, THROWING ME ORANGE JUICE AT ME ON INSTA THE OTHER DAY LIKE A KNOB, LOOKING FED UP AS duck, SUP WITH YA DADDY DIY MMKAY?

*Delo shakes his head and moonwalks out the room all the way to the lift*

@QueenBarb you legend. Almost wet myself laughing at this trying to read it all in her accent!

 

[Charlie Farlie]

Being a Mam should be the most rewarding accomplishment ever, but we put so much pressure on ourselves to Keep others happy. We are told sleep when your baby sleeps and enjoy every moment. I never did it and most folk I knew never did alas.The one lesson I learnt was to take each day as it came and try not to beat myself up for feeling like the worst Mam ever. Maybe that’s why I had three.It took that long to get it through my thick skull.Oh and if someone offers help, never say NO, bite their bloody hand off.

 

[Burrito88]

I’m calling it now, she will take non-refundable deposits for these “Irish courses”, then sadly won’t be able to attend due to a mummy emergency. Keeping all the cash for herself.

 

[Star is born]

She can’t have visitors to the hozi, so she will have to get home day 4 I think after c-section, and get all the family & close friends round before showing her off to Instagram surely.

 

[Eye spyer 84]

She had the baby on Thursday by a planned c-section as baby was breach. Which will explain all the luggage she took in.

So “the baby has turned” was likely to be untrue.

Ageee with @Starisborn1 surely she will wait until her nearest and dearest have met her.

 

[ohok]

if the c-section was planned why did she bother drinking that grim raspberry leaf tea

 

[QueenBarb]

Being a Mam should be the most rewarding accomplishment ever, but we put so much pressure on ourselves to Keep others happy. We are told sleep when your baby sleeps and enjoy every moment. I never did it and most folk I knew never did alas.The one lesson I learnt was to take each day as it came and try not to beat myself up for feeling like the worst Mam ever. Maybe that’s why I had three.It took that long to get it through my thick skull.Oh and if someone offers help, never say NO, bite their bloody hand off.

Sleep when the baby sleeps is the worst bit of bleeping advice in my opinion! Me Ma was trying to drum it into me and I was like Clean when baby cleans?????

if the c-section was planned why did she bother drinking that grim raspberry leaf tea

Because she’s thick as duck and will copy ANYTHIN