Jack Monroe #76 £300 mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the poorest of us all?

[PoorPatrol]

Unless you’re making a lasagne kiev, that is.

Stop giving her ideas!!

 

[chocolate choux]

To any Italians who may read this thread, I want to apologise on Jack’s behalf

 

[Montrachet]

Then she showed the sausages to the pan and they said, ‘Get to absolute duck, I am not getting in there like.’

They are pan fried. And the pan is cold and still in the cupboard

Whilst we await Jack's next scathing essay, 'We need to talk about Brenda's sausages. Now.' - it appears word has reached the Linton Travel Tavern.

 

[blurstoftimes]

NEVER. I will never return to the corn-milk pan. You won't even be able to drag my cold, dead body to return me to that wretched corn-milk pan.

 

[Malacandra]

The only MBE jack will ever be awarded is for "Most Blended Ephemera"

Surely that should be Most Blended Excrement.

 

[blurstoftimes]

This has probably already been picked up on but does Jack use an unnecessary amount of gadgets because then she can use affiliate links in her recipes and its much more profitable for your cult members to buy food processors and mandolins than tins of beans from Asda?

 

[Harrybosch]

I'm a bit worse for wear today (had a catch up with a friend last night and it turned a bit boozy - and I'm not used to drinking or socialising anymore). Anyway, I'm not sure what possessed me to check out her website.

For the last two years of our courtship, Mrs J has been asking me very nicely to make her a ratatouille. Some childhood memory of a baked potato hot from a food van, piled high with soft, veg-laden ratatouille, stirs within her a bone-deep blissful comfort. Oblivious to the emotional sentiment, I would simply mutter something about ‘not being a frigging cafe’, and make something else.

First of all, courtship. What the duck are you on about? One line reads truer than anything ever written by her. Oblivious to the emotional sentiment, I would simply mutter something about ‘not being a frigging cafe’, and make something else. I guess she doesn't always lie.

The truth is, I had never made a ratatouille before. My knowledge of it stemmed entirely from a Pixar movie starring a small excitable animated rat, and an indeterminable can of mush I was given at the food bank once that was so inexorably unappetising, I never wanted to see it or its ilk again.

A food writer who has never made ratatouille? What????? I can't compute this. I just can't. Also, I think this is how people feel when the foodbank hands them your book: so inexorably unappetising, I never wanted to see it or its ilk again

And then one day a few weeks ago, with the holy triumvirate of courgette, aubergine and pepper in the fridge, I decided to surprise her. I dug out my French cookery books – French Provincial Cooking by Elizabeth David, The Little Paris Kitchen by Rachel Khoo, and Elisabeth Luard’s Classic French Cooking, all liberated from various thrift and secondhand stores over the years, added Sarah Raven’s Garden Cookbook, and set to work. This is how I work when trying something new; I compare and contrast three or four recipes, picking out the fundamentals and common denominators, then weaving in what I think will be the best bits from each, to my own tastes and intuition. Most of the time, it works a charm

First of all, you haven't liberated anything from a thrift store, because there are charity shops aplenty (much like black pepper), yet no thrift or second-hand store anywhere in Sarfend. Secondly, you don't liberate a book, because it's not being held hostage. Much like you weren't held hostage on thread 31. And finally, why oh why not just choose one recipe from a trusted writer (Elizabeth David or Sarah Raven, come on, they had their recipes tested. They'll work!) and cook it? Trust me, I do it all the time and it works a charm!

 

[crystaleyesd]

Jackie all over twitter mocking the made up word 'mum-ual' days after making up the word 'frugalong'

 

[Malacandra]

She really needs to work on the layout/design of her website. At the moment, each recipe is just one long rambling blog post, with no formatting whatsoever. Makes it horrible to read (as if the content wasn't bad enough). She needs to have clearly defined sections - Introduction, Ingredients, Method - and under the title a clear 'makes in'/'serves'/'difficulty level'/'cost per serving'. It would be just about passable if she was a complete novice who'd just started writing a blog as a hobby, but she's been doing this for years now and hasn't upped her game at all.

She ought to take a look at the Bosh! boys books. They are a pleasure to look at and perfect for novice cooks.

 

[Cookiecookie]

Unless you’re making a lasagne kiev, that is.

I'm not even messing with you when I say there is a magazine in my house which contains a recipe for a lasagne baked inside a garlic bread. Basically lasagne Kiev. No, I have not tried to make it (nor will I ever)

 

[Harrybosch]

Jackie all over twitter mocking the made up word 'mum-ual' days after making up the word 'frugalong'

duck OFF!

 

[Lanie]

Ah that would have been amazing! Still, I think her reply was pretty good -

View attachment 251900

Nothing better than someone who's being a dick gets their arse handed back to them in a civil manner.

 

[emmer_moans]

I am kicking myself I didn't follow before her "privacy" lockdown on Twitter. I feel like that short kid trying to look over a tall bridge.

SHAN'T send a follow request lest Jack triangulate and keep a watch on all new followers

 

[Bugger13]

Am being so Jack today, I just had another look at brenda’s page. She’s really sweet and she can cook. She’s got a few pics of some really decent looking food-she also baked. The only bad ones are Jack’s recipes that I posted last night.
Says it all.

 

[Montrachet]

Jackie all over twitter mocking the made up word 'mum-ual' days after making up the word 'frugalong'

Unbelievable isn't it, coming from 'Lingreenie' herself. Anyway, more importantly, a warm welcome to @Traazers from all the bullying ninnies. You a bird?

 

[Bugger13]

I'm a bit worse for wear today (had a catch up with a friend last night and it turned a bit boozy - and I'm not used to drinking or socialising anymore). Anyway, I'm not sure what possessed me to check out her website.



First of all, courtship. What the duck are you on about? One line reads truer than anything ever written by her. Oblivious to the emotional sentiment, I would simply mutter something about ‘not being a frigging cafe’, and make something else. I guess she doesn't always lie.



A food writer who has never made ratatouille? What????? I can't compute this. I just can't. Also, I think this is how people feel when the foodbank hands them your book: so inexorably unappetising, I never wanted to see it or its ilk again


First of all, you haven't liberated anything from a thrift store, because there are charity shops aplenty (much like black pepper), yet no thrift or second-hand store anywhere in Sarfend. Secondly, you don't liberate a book, because it's not being held hostage. Much like you weren't held hostage on thread 31. And finally, why oh why not just choose one recipe from a trusted writer (Elizabeth David or Sarah Raven, come on, they had their recipes tested. They'll work!) and cook it? Trust me, I do it all the time and it works a charm!

In other words she plagiarises the work of others. We all tweak recipes, proper chefs come up with original ones surely?

 

[Ninch55]

My train is late 🔺️🔺️🔺️ so I took a closer look at the latest recipe:

Moonshine Mash first appeared in Cooking On A Bootstrap, a bootleg riff on polenta made with potatoes and corn. I so named it because ‘hooch’, or moonshine, is typically made from potatoes or corn, and the idea of my own sneaky irreverent take on something usually considered quite special rather tickled me.

So we start with yet another failure to comprehend that words have meanings. Polenta is a specific foodstuff. It is not a potato. It is derived from corn, but you can't just substitute sweetcorn for it. It's also not "usually considered quite special" unless you fear forrin things. It's actually simple to make and very filling, and a little goes a long way!

Sorry to fixate on Jack's inability to understand that words mean things (see also: risotto, carbonara, souffle, tortilla). Funny that she gets so het up over eau de Nil vs duck egg blue, but will gladly call instant mash polenta, no? What happened to her autistic obsession with the truth?

blending canned corn with its brine

It's not brine. It's often sugar water Culinary tip, Jack: we drain it because sweetcorn has a delicate flavour that we usually want to taste. Flavour is a concept worth looking into. It can make a big difference to your cooking.

I opted not to add fat to mine, simply because I only have lard in the house at the moment

You're a bleeping food writer. Why do you have every spice known to man, but no oil?

(so that WAS lard spread on your bagel?? Oh Jack, I was joking...)

First preheat your oven to 190C, and pop your sausages in a roasting tin. Place them on the middle shelf, and cook for 40 minutes.

I was gonna comment on her habit of writing out a recipe like her readers have never seen a kitchen before. Seriously, I had a Brownie Guide cookbook as a kid that had more respect for my intelligence. Then I remembered the Lockdown Larder questions. Okay Jack, you have a point.

To make these this tiny mirepoix-style small and delicate pieces, I firstly sliced the broccoli stalk, carrot and onion on a mandolin slicer, then used my handheld veg dicer to make them pleasingly dinky and even.

But you're an expert onion chopper!!! You wrote a song about it!

seasoning sparingly with salt but generously with pepper.

But in your last recipe you loved salinity in your food or some similar inanely worded nonsense? Why do you hate salt?

Pop the kettle on to boil for the gravy, and measure the granules into a mug. Pour the boiling water over and stir well until the gravy thickens, and set to one side.

A lot of words to say: "follow the instructions on the packet."

Serve piping hot, and enjoy!

SHAN'T.

@colouredlines you are simply a legend.

Maybe this is why she loves the Bible Belt American Trump moms so much? She was cured of having “lost the use of both hands at 29” can I get a A-MEN! Can I get a hallelujah! In Viv’s name, Lord heal Jackie!

Let her have the use of both hands back to chop vegetables to dust, use a punch bag, and also let her throw away her walking sticks so that she may be able to train for a marathon AMENNNNNN

That little baby is actually quite scary

 

[MrsOgre]

Apologies fraus that I am behind on p18, but I have got an ouchy mouth, I have an abscess under a tooth and have had to come home from work as the pain is so great. 2 hours of root canal work tomorrow to sort it out

Sending get well vibes to you and hope you are able to get some sleep between now and tomorrow.
My ouchy jaw is doing better, on final day of antibiotics here. We need to have a separate group for ouchy mouths

 

[lilamay]

In other words she plagiarises the work of others. We all tweak recipes, proper chefs come up with original ones surely?

She is NOT A CHEF!

 

[Captainmouse]

They are pan fried. And the pan is cold and still in the cupboard

Mackie luvs a cold pan