Jack Monroe #71 Jack flew over the cuckoo’s nest

[BeautifulTrauma]

Inspired by @blurstoftimes and with a new iPad sat reading Tattle on, I decided to give iMovie a go and see how easy it was to create content. This took me half an hour. I can’t believe how lazy she is not to even attempt something that me, who has never used video editing software in her life.

I‘ll also remove it if anyone thinks I’m being mean, however it’s all in jest and all publicly available content.

 

[BeautifulTrauma]

I just wanted to say thank you to this wonderful coven of fraus for last night and the feedback on my JM video.

Yesterday I was ghosted after six months of talking, the night before our second date (lockdown and a car accident delayed everything), blocked everywhere after paying upfront for a day at the theme park for both of us. So I felt a little fragile and rubbish after what had happened - and to be honest making that video distracted me a little from the thoughts in my head.

I’ll definitely make another one “Revenge of the Reverse Rats Tail” has a certain ring to it!

Also, that Guardian article is just the same story from the past ten years rehashed, how does that get past editorial?!

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Your user name and avatar are brilliant!!

Thankyou x, the only problem is I'm not familiar enough with Jack sideboard lore to know whether I'm 93kg or not so I'm having a bit of an identity crisis.

I have prepared for you all my reviews for episode three and four of DKL. I don't want to say too much about episode three because it absolutely paled into insignificance with the shock I received from the following episode. I would just like to note two things: putting peas in a calzone sounds truly repulsive and that is not appropriate usage of the word 'ephemera'. Four rinsed tins of beans out of five.

Episode four started off well with a Cooper cameo and proceeded uninterestingly until the pièce de résistance, the exalted corned beef chilli. I feel deeply upset that the link to this episode on the wiki does not come with a warning on the because I was woefully under-prepared for the sequence of culinary crimes I have just witnessed. Firstly, dumping onion and garlic (with no oil) into a cold pan. Secondly, why the actual fuck would you ever grate corned beef? It's a completely horrifying image that will never leave me and I will be triangulating and litigating against Cactus TV and the BBC to pay for my therapy. Rinsed beans make a guest appearance, it's like greeting an old friend. Jack suggests substituting clamato juice if you can't find tinned tomatoes. Clam and tomato juice. In a chilli. The final stroke of genius in this maverick dish is the addition of tea in place of red wine. To recap: frozen onions, garlic purée, grated corned beef, rinsed baked beans, chilli powder, tomatoes, tea and presumably plenty of black pepper, all boiled past the point of recognition until you have a nice comforting slop. I give this episode half a Maine Coon out of five.

 

[LavaFlake]

Thread suggestion #72: It's not a Government briefing, you don't need to announce locking down

What a load of shite

 

[Pocahontas]

I have a child around the same age as SB and I just would never write like this about them on social media (especially not to hundreds of thousands of randoms on twitter)

View attachment 239390

Also quite clearly another fictional account of how ten-year-old boys in the UK talk to their parents, instead of a three-year-old child in Little House on the Prairie.

 

[GrunkaLunka]

I think that any (thinly veiled) reference to here is fair game to screen shot and share, even when her account is locked.

Lots of people here are followers of hers and have legitimate access to her tweets. Admin have said that they have no problem with us sharing any of her locked tweets.

Her history of tweeting and deleting has allowed her in the past to chat all kinds of shit. Well, if she wants to get the lawyers involved and take police action then let's keep our receipts in order. The Judge in her case against Katie Hopkins commented on her mass deleting, so let's help keep the case accurate this time.

I am more than happy to answer any questions the police would like to put to me about why I think her presenting is shit, recipes are shit, books are shit, articles are shit, everything is shit. Tbh I can't see that they'll be at all interested, but I am willing to give Jack her little tantrum.

Can't wait to see her try and prove we've damaged her brand, while she was mounting furniture in her worst underwear and tweeting Henry hoover gifs at David Walliams.

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Bahahaha. JM fans really make mad moves sometimes

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

PMSL! Now I can imagine her belting out a tune and getting turned out on her ear and shouting at Jude Law to get out the way of fuckin Redcar

 

[Alansbigplate]

Wor Jim’s been at the bloody filters god love him

 

[colouredlines]

I only have 4 and a half GCSEs in Jack Studies. Could a frau with, say, an honorary doctorate or two help me deal with a conundrum?

In her new () Guardian piece, R Jackie says:

I hid my circumstances from friends and family for almost a year before one of my blog posts went viral and they found out.

The blog post that went viral was "Hunger Hurts", in which she talked about having a massive garage sale which she advertised on Facebook, selling off all her possessions (including a certain watch) etc.

Could a dedicated scholar please explain how she was simultaneously able to do this AND hide her circumstances from everyone?

Schrödinger's half-Maine Coon...

 

[traumatised sideboard]

She looks completely unhinged in that unboxing vid, it's quite alarming.

I am here to report on episodes five and six of DKL. If you haven't watched any of them I would recommend episode six, for reasons I will shortly come to. Episode five is very tame compared to the scandalous corned beef grating in episode four. I loved Jack's lightning speed handing-off-the-question-of-the-fish-coating-baton to the chef that someone else mentioned a few pages ago. Mayo and cornflakes sounds like something Jack would suggest for breakfast when you've run out of milk - milk and mayo, they're both white, aren't they? I give this episode one accusatory roll of pastry out of five.

Episode six is a true gift bestowed to us from the culinary gods: the inception of the infamous horse spunk lasagne. I would like to add a word of caution that this is the first episode that Jack is physically present in the studio so do not watch with headphones unless you want to hear constant heavy breathing which will almost certainly give you secondhand anxiety. She kicks off the lasagne by putting the onions and garlic in hot oil, an immediate improvement on the unforgettable (trust me, I've been trying) chilli. No mention of clamato juice, just some regular tinned tomatoes and lentils, this is ...fine? This might work. Oh, out of nowhere, the tea in place of red wine makes a re-appearance after its debut in episode four. Now for the white sauce which surely can't be as bad as everyone says it is. No, in fact it is actually worse. I am not any kind of horse ephemera expert but I think horse spunk would have more substance than this white sauce. It is simply flour, oil and milk blended up. Matt shows obvious concern and asks multiple questions about the consistency of the sauce but Jack constantly re-assures us it will thicken in the oven. I don't think I need to point out that it certainly will not. Unlike the visceral horror of the chilli, this is a hilarious and cringe-inducing kind of horror. I give it a 'one and done' out of five.

Apologies for running on, I got a bit carried away, giddy at the thought of a watery floury tannic lasagne.

 

[TriviaNewtonJohn]

There have probably only been about 3 posters I've seen on these threads who have been out of order and disruptive. I think two of them might have been the same person. The other was JM.

 

[Dogmuck]

Didn’t our Jackie spoil her ballot paper? Anyone who spoils their ballot paper because they don’t know where they stand on an issue should not get the opportunity to pick up their pen and start writing about how a no deal Brexit is going to affect the poor. Fuck off jack, people died to give us the chance to vote and you, like a spoilt little girl, ripped up your chance because you have no fucking clue about poverty or politics.

I know you were conflicted cos your mates who were really on the left wanted out of Europe like Jezza based on the neoliberalism argument but your centrist/Tory faux socialist mates wanted to remain because they’d have awful problems getting to their holiday home in France and how would they get their hams from Italy?
Because you don’t have the intelligence or a single individual idea of your own you couldn’t search your soul or previous experience to decide which way to vote! Political activist my arse! If you were really left wing you’d have actually voted to leave as Jezza and his cohort wanted. Don’t start jumping on this bandwagon now love, you silenced your own voice on this issue the moment you spoiled your ballot! Cunt!

 

[LavaFlake]

Could the Guardian not find another "actual" single parent to write this article? Maybe a POC or someone still living on Universal Credit? Or at least someone whose experiences of poverty aren't 8 years out of date. She was "poor' while Brexit was a very small, unrealistic cloud on the horizon. She was poor pre-UC and sanctioning ffs.

It just highlights how far removed the Guardian leftwing elite are from real people in poverty if they don't have access to someone who could. I volunteer with a grassroots community project in an inner city area and I can already think of at least 4 articulate, struggling BME women that would tell a fantastic story (if they wanted to... appreciate the labour that it takes, although hopefully the freelance rates would help). JM is genuinely taking up space that should be afforded to others. It's a fucking disgrace.

 

[MrsOgre]

Oh my days...someone please Photoshop Jack's face (preferably from one of the Hellman's cringefests) onto The Scream!

I think this looks good even if I say so myself

 

[linzilou]

So I’ve worked within the police for almost 15 years and I’ve never ever ever ever ever ever ever seen a criminal investigation where the defendant has had to compile their own evidence.
It’s actually laughable. Every piece of evidence has to be properly investigated, and recorded.

Even in the case of malicious texts, the police will take your phone to remove copies of them and ask the network provider to confirm the time stamps.

I’m sure it’s different for civil cases but if it was civil she wouldn’t need to involve the police at all.

She cannot rock up to the police station with all her carefully selected print outs and demand justice.
Innocent until proven guilty you absolute knob.
And that’s guilty in the eyes of the law, not in the fake bruised eyes of a deranged narcissist.

(Sorry but i hate it when she tries to scare people with her lawyer talk)

Oops meant accuser, not defendant.

But the rest stands.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

I'd love her to wear them to The Groucho Club

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @HarderFaster for the thread title. A handsome 75 reactions You are a shining example of just how far a (real) doctorate can get you in life

Recap of thread #70

1. Seeing as both her Twitter and Instagram are still set to ‘private’, we’ve still not posted screenshots. So it’s been quite wonderful. We have found inner peace. Om.
2. She has been posting new videos on YouTube. As the videos are in the public gaze, and therefore fair game, the frauen have been voicing their thoughts on them. The general theme is bafflement.
3. She has been exploring her love of pop art by favouring the cartoon filter, coupled with a certain jaunty and harrowing brand of merry-go-round muzak.
4. She’s been brandishing and sharpening knives, and chopping onions, tomatoes and leeks, all with the same lazy but frenetic energy of someone tasked with defusing a bomb but who doesn’t really want to do a proper job of it.
5. The less we say about fish finger lasagne and her infamous blended ‘bechamel’, the better.
6. If you are new to these threads, or have come here powered by vitriol and outrage (or curiosity) that there are 70-plus threads on Jack Monroe, please see the intelligent, insightful and reasoned posts by our resident first interstellar pilgrim @GrunkaLunka here and our resident Kris Jenner @heretoreaditall2019 here.
7. @blurstoftimes also created a perfect example of how easy it is to produce a simple, appetising and charming how-to-make-some-food video here.

Please add any other recap points I have missed!

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’


One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, and bullying ninnies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:

• She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
• Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
• The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

 

[Billybellend]

Morning Fraus! It’s been a funereal week here, unfortunately, so I thought I’d poke my head around the thread door for a brighter start to the weekend, and you lot never fail to disappoint! Watching back episodes of DKL had me both HOOTING and FIZZING, so I’m going to leave my next thread title suggestion here:
Jack Monroe #72: Former Tattler, Tip Jar Rattler, Horse Spunk Spatterer

 

[Pocahontas]

She closes Twitter because she ‘genuinely fears for her safety’, and also because it is a much nicer place when it is closed. Does this mean she has background checked all of her hundreds of thousands of followers?

And she is ‘hounded’ - now I’m confused, because (and I know we have said this many times, sorry) but she is coming here to read - how is that ‘hounding’??

If you lie down with the dogs, you wake up with fleas. But, I ask you Jack. Who is the dog? And who is the flea?

Friday night deep thought