Jack Monroe #64 One hand refreshing Twitter, and the other one playing the piano

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TheDragonWithAFlagon

I go better than that.

His birthday is 3rd November.

I've worked in RC schools. Who don't generally have an issue with Hallowe'en as long as there's no attempts at summoning Beelzebub, but officially stopped calling it All Hallows' Eve in favour of the eve of All Saints' Day.

So we have;


November 1st - All Saints' Day
November 2nd - All Souls' Day
November 3rd - Our Souls' Day.

Which, if anybody remembers Derek & Clive (or speaks with a London accent), is pronounced [drum roll]


Arse'oles' Day.

[Badum-tish]



That is definitely one of my better ones.
 
Reactions: 18

Dustye

Fraus, I have a terrible confession to make. Many years ago, when I was but a fresh faced lesbian trying to make a name for myself as a hip young thing in the Big City, I owned and regularly wore a BOY London t shirt.

I think I bought it because I thought it was witty in a naff 'look how cool and androgynous I am' way.

I'll see myself out...
 
Reactions: 54
F

Fairy dust munch

I love and at one time had 5. Each had their own personality. Amazing animals x
 
Reactions: 8

Pocahontas

Moderator
But!
Did you team it with a teething necklace, a flouro animal print bag and an insatiable Patreon account?
If the answer is no! Then of course you must stay!
 
Reactions: 47

Montrachet


The words to 'Opportunities' will hardly need changing.

I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
I've had enough of scheming and messing around with jerks
My tipjar is always open even when I have plenty of work
I'm looking for a partner someone who gets things fixed
Ask yourself this question do you want to be rich.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
You can tell I'm educated I studied at Grammar, hun
Doctored in con artistry I could have been a don
I can programme a self-timer choose the perfect time
If you've got the inclination I have the crime.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
Oh if you know when to take them you know
There's a lot of opportunities if there aren't
you can make them make or break them.
You can see I'm single-minded I know what I could be
How'd you feel about it come take a 20,000 step walk with me
I'm looking for a wealthy partner regardless of age
Think about it seriously because you know I get the rage.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
Oh if you know when to take them you know
There's a lot of opportunities if there aren't
you can make them make or break them.
I've got the scams you've bought the books
Let's make lots of money
You've got the means I've got the beans
Let's make lots of money
 
Reactions: 37

IndigoStar

Superb!
 
Reactions: 6

Dustye

Pocahontas said:
But!
Did you team it with a teething necklace, a flouro animal print bag and an insatiable Patreon account?
If the answer is no! Then of course you must stay!
Click to expand...
No but I did give myself a terrible undercut and was then so embarrassed by it that I told people I'd fallen over, got glass in my head and a patch had to be shaved off to stitch it up. I truly was a proto-JM
 
Reactions: 44

TheDragonWithAFlagon

Will you lot all get out of my song lyrics and Moon Phase niches?

When I look back upon my wives (well, they would have been)
It's always with no sense of shame
I've never been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too



It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every shop I've ever been
Everything I've ever blended, too
In the bin



At school they taught me how to be
Truthful in thought and word and deed
I didn't quite succeed
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too



It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every train I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a bin



Patreon, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you paid me, I didn't admit it
Tattle, you fought me, 'cause I didn't care
And I still don't understand



So I look back upon my life
Never with a sense of shame
I've never been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too



It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a bin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every Cotswold I've ever had
Everywhere I'm going to - it's a bin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a bin
 
Reactions: 60

Bookweevil

Just Grunkered and I am as pent up as Chandler trying not to break a NY resolution.

https://giphy.com/f5voQIM2GP1tkAT8J6
Kitsch library-lounge
Scandi hotel-style bedroom
The bare bones basic bitch that comprises a shitty bungalow.


Errant pigsty
Give the thesaurus a rest, Jack.

One of Jack’s CBS*’s was that the bin is ‘wide enough to be able to toss rubbish into across a room’. If she can hurl an empty hotdog jar, a BAFTA, a nutribullet, and the wriggling, tattered remains of a celebrity poverty campaigner career into a cereal box tucked down the side of the bed from across a capacious, shitty bungalow room, I will actually discover genuine respect for her and stop posting on Tattle.

*Crucial Bin Specifications

And breathe...
 
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Reactions: 35

Blurp

colouredlines said:
She can't swim because of birthmarks? But...last week she couldn't swim because she's a physiological marvel who LITERALLY sinks, no?
Click to expand...
Yet she's been busy showing off her legs in the thot shots. Front on the sideboard shots, arse and rear of legs in the garden.

Pocahontas said:
She needs to post these genius ideas to British Goop on Instagram. Comedy gold.
View attachment 223888
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One of my favourite Insta accounts, that.
 
Reactions: 11

Pigman

trying to explain these works of genius to my family is almost as absurd as she is. I think I will have to be content in chuckling along inside my head! Bravo all of you clever wordsmiths!

Pigs are actually very tidy, my favourite one told me off for giving her parsnips by lining them up dead centre down her paddock.
 
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Reactions: 18

Captainmouse

I think I have mackie fatigue I joined late, during the DW debacle, I didn’t have a clue who she was really, but had heard the name mentioned in connection with KH. I had no knowledge of her back story, so decided to grunka

O M G. the JM pile on DKL GM were all awful, but the Hellman’s, I am gobsmacked, I just don’t have any words. She is shameless, morally bankrupt. And to be polite a charlatan. I cannot believe these people are allowed to operate, and who in their right mind actually hires them?

i think I need a lie down
 
Reactions: 29

People-huv-tae-know

Silver Linings said:
View attachment 223853
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This right there highlights her laziness. She is such a couch potato that she has to have a manky bin down the side of the sofa and or bed. Also referring to her son as a small child in an earlier tweet when in fact at 10 years old a child is no longer small in size or mentality. She just says that to milk her 'single mum's status for all it's worth.
 
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Reactions: 19

Veronicaaa

People-huv-tae-know said:
This right there highlights her laziness. She is such a couch potato that she has to have a maky bin down the side of the sofa and or bed.
Click to expand...
This is what was confusing me earlier. Granted, I don't have a many-roomed 2 level house but how much rubbish can one person possibly generate that they need a bin in every room? If I've made a mess in the living room, I simply transfer it to the kitchen bin, rather than leaving it there for days on end?
 
Reactions: 25

Pigman

But are you BUSY with telly and book shoots?
 
Reactions: 12
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