Jack Monroe #475 If you have Eamonn Holmes, place him on top of the chicken for added flavor

[Marmalade Atkins]

 

[I'm not actually here]

Flounce in 3....2......1

 

[MissMarple10]

I am NOT a celebrity or a chef! I will sue you, WARNED!

 

[StatusWoe]

Yesterday I tried to explain Tattle and Jack Monroe to my mother. I've never mentioned Tattle to any IRL friends/family so it all came out in a rush: the feud with THAT MAN, the lifetime's supply of prunes, Jack as Fish, the poetry readings, the singing, lingering honk, Patreon, Nigella endorsement, Lady Di poems, Old Harold, Mamapapa, the dangerous grifty kitchen tips. It's strange to recount these stories to a non-frau because you realise how audacious (not in a good sense) her claims are, and how bizarre it is that she got this far in her ''career''.

I'd describe mum's reaction as 'incredulous disdain'. After hearing about the carabiners and hammer, she asked whether this person was deliberately making a joke. I told her that no, in fact Jack Monroe takes herself very seriously. Then she asked if Jack 'has something wrong with her' to make her do these things. She about the deluge of prune-based recipes and recoiled at the 'black and cheese'. I decided not to mention the unruly labia - that's a step too far. Anyway, she's now an offline frau and happy to support the canal from afar.

I didn't explain about Tattle very much because I got the usual questions: what's a forum? to find a forum do you just type in 'forums'? Is a thread something on YouTube? Do people just put their thoughts out into the tubes? My mother is to internet culture what Jack is to cooking.)

 

[lilykestrel]

A representation of Jack and her agent (if the conspiracy about her being pushed to do fluff content is to be believed)

(edited because I got the meme format slightly wrong)

 

[That Forensic Man]

I didn't know you could get nicer than *checks notes*

£136 Mauviel M'150B copper saucepan bronze handle 20 cm
£200 Mauviel copper stew pan
£200 Mauviel copper sauce pan
£501 Viadurini Hand Tinned Copper Casserole, Lid and Arched Handle 28 cm - MariaG (middle size)

I dread to think how much crisp mate's pans cost
Also I should probably not mention she's got £15,137 worth of kitchen shite

ETA a little archive in case of you know what

Tweets with replies by Jack Monroe (@BootstrapCook) / Twitter

archived 11 Feb 2023 09:45:00 UTC

archive.md

 

[Enwre]

Not any of the usuals.

 

[Veronicaaa]

One more for @Marmalade Atkins 'sleeping on the couch' compilation.

 

[Five hundred dogs]

I was always scared of the chip pan as a child, even when the hob wasn’t on. I grew up during the era when the powers that be seemed determined to absolutely terrify the children of the nation with horrific public information films, posters and leaflets on virtually everything, and the chip pan was no exception. Although to be fair due to these over zealous campaigns I was also scared of railway tracks, electric pylons, tractors, rabies, Colorado beetles, rip tides, deep water, and nuclear war. I was even slightly scared of Tufty, the green cross code man and Rolf Harris. Although history has proven I was right on the latter.

 

[Lazarus]

This month I subscribed to Patreon for a nosey at the comments one evening. I forgot about it until now and wondered, with her reemergence on the hellsite whether she posted an update on Patreon (HA!) anyway, this in the comments:

Note the date; 3 weeks ago.
clicked on that persons profile and:

 

[Lazarus]

I’m very sorry, I don’t know how to put these screenshots behind a spoiler. If you’re not interested in Patreon stuff, please scroll by.

Spoiler

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(Not sure how reliable that one is, but presenting how it shows on Patreon ^^ - I know she’s previously provided proof she was subscribed so…)

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There’s more. I’ll try and edit this post once I’ve squigged the rest.

My favourite:

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^^ none of these are still subscribers.

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^^ still subscribing.

 

[Nottonightbabe]

There was one when I was at school where a kid got his legs chopped off when playing on the railway.

That learned us all I can tell you.

Our primary school went to town on railway safety, I remember it being drummed into us, though we were miles away from the nearest railway. I remember a shock story about some children being electrocuted because they were throwing some foil balls into the air near a railway and the electricity jumped. We were also given this book

 

[Veronicaaa]

Jack still hasn't clocked that Simon Hattenstone wrote far worse about her than any of the people she's now threatening with libel.

 

[Sketchy]

The quality has been going down for years. Like a Mars Bar, in 1995 it was a hefty snack that could replace lunch. Today, 1mm of chocolate and gone in 3 bites.

Yeah, and A Mars a day helps you Work, Rest and Play

Mars Bars were only for the grown-ups in our household cos they cost about sixpence ... unless we bought our own from our 1 shilling pocket money on a Friday night. Us young'uns had a Milky Way instead cos they only cost tuppence(1) or thruppence. Sometimes when my granny was feeling generous she'd slice a Mars Bar into 10 little pieces and share it out - that was only if we were good that day, though, and hadn't been caught taking a sneaky slug from her Lucozade. Jack Monroe could only dream of such deprivation and poverty.

Mick Jagger snacked on Marianne Faithful's Mars Bar from her tuppence(2) ... allegedly.

Translation:

Sixpence = 2p or 3p (actually 2½p originally but they did away with the ½p in the 80s)

1 shilling = 5p (hard to believe but a shilling bought a load of sweeties from the corner shop in the 60s - especially when the newly hired assistant couldn't work the scales for months and measured out half a pound of sweeties from the jars instead of a quarter. What? Of course we didn't tell her! Well, in them days it was rude to tell a grown up they were wrong. I blame her for my weight problem to this day. Karma or wot.

Tuppence (1) and Thruppence = 1p. And 4 old pennies (fourpence) was 2p, as was 5 old pennies (fivepence) Yeah, the ½p was supposed to replace the old penny, but ... confused? So were we!

Tuppence (2) = Marianne Faithful's Fanny

1960s/70s Lucozade = Only ever bought for the sick or older people as a pick-me-up back then. A dimpled bottle always wrapped in yellow crinkly cellophane which children delighted in ripping off and looking through: Oh look, the sky's yellow! Oh look, daddy's face is yellow! Oh look, granny's legs are yellow! Oh how funny, lol. Aah, us poors had to make our own fun in them days ...

And here endeth the history lesson.

 

[Tiffany Dupes]

Presented without comment

 

[Nottonightbabe]

She's accusing the political editor of the Express of libel because he wrote this -

View attachment 1951237

Dickhead.

Well yes, 'chef' is quite the claim.

 

[I'm not actually here]

Will she object equally as vociferously to the implication she is a travel agent as she appears to being called a chef?

 

[Valiofthedolls]

@Lazarus your wish has been granted!

Same squig

 

[hiyaaaacath]

This is the biggest lie she’s told to date

 

[Geetbo]

I cannot wait for her "another suitcase in another hall" tweet it's gonna be the highlight of my weekend/life.