Don't mention the WI to her please 🔺️
Jack Monroe #344 344%
- Start date
-
- Tags
- Jack Monroe Threads Wiki
- Status
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
I’ve just been to lidl in my big fancy actually tiny car to buy some Greek food on deal, and Absolute radio was playing Wake Up Boo on the way home. Great morning.
I think when it comes to the question of if she was an alcoholic you need to look at her almost constant MO. She takes something with a small grain of truth and builds it up to epic proportions, sometimes that’s just stupid, like claiming to be a Ruby Rose stand in when she was in the background of a music video, and sometimes it’s offensive like the claim to have been literally starving during the poverty. I see her alcoholism in the same way, I don’t doubt she had a problem with drink but I’d always assume anything she says on the subject is a massive exaggeration of the truth.If she says she is then she is in terms of AA. I don’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth but even if I went to the same meeting as her and was suspicious then it wouldn’t be for me to confront her or accuse her of not being an alcoholic.
The preamble says “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking”. I’m in no doubt she did not drink the 200 units she said she did but she doesn’t have to have done either. A lot of people in meetings find their way there sooner than I did or their rock bottom is different from mine.
I’ve said before that AA is the perfect cover - nobody will question what you say in a meeting and the yellow card prevents people passing on what they’ve heard, so nobody outside the fellowship will know what she shares. But for as long as she calls herself one and goes to AA then to me that’s what she is.
I don't believe she drank 200 units a week, certainly not on a regular basis. Drinking on that level over a period of years would have seriously impacted her health, possibly even killed her. She's a small woman with not too much body fat which places her at increased risk.
I saw their reactions to the Hairy Bikers putting cream in a Victoria sandwich. Think it's safe to say, they just absolutely would not let Jack in!
Diary of Jack Monroe, PRIVATE
25th July
Actually not having the best time lately. Dad popped round this morning to fix the shelf (it COLLAPSED. AGAIN) woke me up and decided to be really boring until I nearly went back to sleep!
You see, yesterday I didn't have much on and thought it would be SUPER FUN to crash Mum's coffee morning with all her neighbours. Orange squash in hand, I dashed vicariously into the garden, scattering children left and right. "Have a cookie," I uttered, handing them out to a joyful response all round. Well, I say all round, but Southend people are so fussy. As I heard a teacher at SB's school say once, "It's not the kids I have trouble with, it's their bloody insane parents."
One of the mums was like, "Jack, what do those cookies have in them? Jack? Jack?" OMG how prissy can you be? And yes, OK, it turned out the kid had a nut allergy, but that's not my problem. It's not as if the kid ate the cookie anyway, he just used it as a puck to play pretend ice hockey. Actually all the kids did, and soon there were cookies flying about, parents ducking for cover. Soo funny to watch as they tried to continue chatting about their extensions and mortgages and side returns, while dodging out of the way of flying crumblenuts!!! And yes, one of the kids might have smashed the window of Mum's orangery, but how's that my fault? As Eamonn Holmes once said, "Wherever Jack goes, something weird happens, but it's not her fault, she's just a wonderful, whimsical being who attracts chaos."
Anyway, once the glass had been cleared up, Mum was like WHERE IS YOUR SON and I was like HE'S IN SNOWDONIA MUM HAVING FUN, CLIMBING MOUNTAINS, CAN YOU JUST STOP, YOU DON'T RULE MY LIFE. Then I had a splash around in the paddling pool to get all the madness out of my head. The kids had to queue... it's a one Jack at a time rule around here!
Anyway, I was like, "Well Dad it's good to give kids some exercise, otherwise they spend too much time online talking total nonsense to each other. Literally the saddest thing I can think of is a row of kids buried in their phones." Well, back to listening to the radio... lots of tweets teed up for today in between baking!
PS Gave Dad the backup batch of crumblenuts by way of an apology to stop him fussing. He was thrilled. So no need to break out Sylvia Plath's Daddy and recite it this time!!! Love u Dad J x
25th July
Actually not having the best time lately. Dad popped round this morning to fix the shelf (it COLLAPSED. AGAIN) woke me up and decided to be really boring until I nearly went back to sleep!
You see, yesterday I didn't have much on and thought it would be SUPER FUN to crash Mum's coffee morning with all her neighbours. Orange squash in hand, I dashed vicariously into the garden, scattering children left and right. "Have a cookie," I uttered, handing them out to a joyful response all round. Well, I say all round, but Southend people are so fussy. As I heard a teacher at SB's school say once, "It's not the kids I have trouble with, it's their bloody insane parents."
One of the mums was like, "Jack, what do those cookies have in them? Jack? Jack?" OMG how prissy can you be? And yes, OK, it turned out the kid had a nut allergy, but that's not my problem. It's not as if the kid ate the cookie anyway, he just used it as a puck to play pretend ice hockey. Actually all the kids did, and soon there were cookies flying about, parents ducking for cover. Soo funny to watch as they tried to continue chatting about their extensions and mortgages and side returns, while dodging out of the way of flying crumblenuts!!! And yes, one of the kids might have smashed the window of Mum's orangery, but how's that my fault? As Eamonn Holmes once said, "Wherever Jack goes, something weird happens, but it's not her fault, she's just a wonderful, whimsical being who attracts chaos."
Anyway, once the glass had been cleared up, Mum was like WHERE IS YOUR SON and I was like HE'S IN SNOWDONIA MUM HAVING FUN, CLIMBING MOUNTAINS, CAN YOU JUST STOP, YOU DON'T RULE MY LIFE. Then I had a splash around in the paddling pool to get all the madness out of my head. The kids had to queue... it's a one Jack at a time rule around here!
Anyway, I was like, "Well Dad it's good to give kids some exercise, otherwise they spend too much time online talking total nonsense to each other. Literally the saddest thing I can think of is a row of kids buried in their phones." Well, back to listening to the radio... lots of tweets teed up for today in between baking!
PS Gave Dad the backup batch of crumblenuts by way of an apology to stop him fussing. He was thrilled. So no need to break out Sylvia Plath's Daddy and recite it this time!!! Love u Dad J x
Last edited:
I am 100% in agreement. She'd have required supervised detox for that amount.
And her advice of "just stop drinking" would've killed her
God yes. Anyone who has seen alcoholics try to detox at home cold turkey will agree with you. It is so dangerous.
Open University??? Fucksake.
If Jack womped along to the hustings would she take her pencil case to throw at Rishi mate? 'This is for me not being able to afford an Orangery'.
*taps the sign again*SHE WASN’T EVEN TAGGED
cringe central
Jack, you don't need to comment on every bleeping thing you're tagged in. It's the equivalent of hearing your name in a conversation and jumping right in. Nobody cares.
Go and read a book, spend time with your son, your dog, your cat, your non-existent friends or your family. In fact, don't give those people the burden of hanging out with you, instead go and count your spoons you insufferable twit.
The ten years of self-aggrandising and seeing herself as indispensable is pissing me off more than usual today. High on her own arrogance.
Ideas are ten a penny, poppet. The soppy sod squigs praise her every brain fart but her record of fulfillment is POOR. When you catch up, Jack, ping across and have a squint at the list of promises and "coming soons" and then tell us about all your great achievements.
Ideas are ten a penny, poppet. The soppy sod squigs praise her every brain fart but her record of fulfillment is POOR. When you catch up, Jack, ping across and have a squint at the list of promises and "coming soons" and then tell us about all your great achievements.
She's desperate to belong to something and I guess AA will welcome all. I keep thinking this is so sad but, seen from the outside, she seems to be abusing people's compassion and willingness to help.
I popped back on as my kids get ready for our trip out. I see she's stopped picking on the metro and her alarm clock for telling her the news.
I think I said it before during brexit, I had friends on both sides of the fence that were mutual and christ the arguments that occurred actually made me miserable everytime I opened Facebook, so much so, I closed it down and never returned. It actually helped me a great deal, perhaps doing that will help you pet, you may feel like your ate or even want to help but your not cut out for it mentally or physically so much so it's actually making you ill. Take the hint and find something else. You will be thankful you did.
I think I said it before during brexit, I had friends on both sides of the fence that were mutual and christ the arguments that occurred actually made me miserable everytime I opened Facebook, so much so, I closed it down and never returned. It actually helped me a great deal, perhaps doing that will help you pet, you may feel like your ate or even want to help but your not cut out for it mentally or physically so much so it's actually making you ill. Take the hint and find something else. You will be thankful you did.
The 200 units a week is nonsense. I have at times drunk around that amount in a week, and it isn't something that's sustainable, not for a woman of Jack's size. It takes such a toll on your body. The withdrawals from consistently drinking that amount would be significant, you certainly wouldn't be penning a Guardian article a week in 
For some reason the idea of a woolly mammoth rampaging about has absolutely cracked me up
And for Jack: Jack, this is an example of a time when saying “marauding” would actually be correct.
What.The.Actual.Foof is that THING she does at 1:57?
Aw, her poor little shaky voice as she trails off at the end of lines - she becomes a baby elephant staring into the eyes of a giant mouse, bless.
Why the hell did I watch that to the end? #dayruined
If it wasn’t for her elevenerifing her drinking and claiming 200 units, I never would’ve found you guys! My first post here, back on thread 2, was on that very subject
Oh my goodness, it’s taken a right old grunk this morning to not even catch up!
I had so much to say and so many people to quote because it (the grunk) left me with many, many questions! I’ve decided to spare you all and summarise into points, then it’s easier for Jack to ~secretly~ respond. I apologise in advance!
The piano (& playing)
I don’t think I’ve ever seen such vicious banging of those poor piano keys! What did it do to upset you?
Have you/it recovered yet?
Is this the piano you had to sell circa 4 years before the photograph was taken?
Or is it a new one that a wonderful, amazing friend left on your doorstep?
~Poetry~
Quoting Jack: “I also ~write~ poetry…”
For once she’s used the tilde correctly, describing her poetry as either an approximation or “NOT”, so not really poetry! Kudos, Jack, kudos.
Baking Thrupenny Cookies
Are you aware, expert cookery person Jack, that you can create caster sugar from granulated sugar? I’m shockethed if you don’t. It MAY have saved your cookies from looking as they did. See how much nicer the Squig’s cookies looked? It could have also made them less ~grainy~ perhaps.
Did you know, egg size is important in a recipe?
Margarine is a completely manufactured product, butter is natural. It’s also not megabucks at £1.60 (my local Aldi) WHEN YOU’RE NOT ON A BUDGET (which you’re not!).
Were your nuts not rancid? (I feel that’s a Harold question, actually… 'Arold! 'Arold! Have you got rancid nuts?)
Did you ensure no-one at the "pool party" had a nut allergy, because it didn't appear that you checked?
How much money did you spend on Christmas food, because you appear to have pulled an awful lot of leftovers from the back of fridges, freezers and cupboards? Just saying.
Jack, you can get a pack of very cheap biscuits from Lidl, Aldi, Asda, even Tesco and Sainsbury’s, that cost less than 3p each. I know because I’ve regularly bought them (and the ninnies have shown you some, here)! They look far more appetising than yours do, they’re pretty tasty, AND one doesn’t have to use the expensive gas/electric to cook them! Win win, if you ask me (I love baking and cooking, but sometimes a good old cheapo biscuit will do!).
The swimming pool.
You have a rich friend with a swimming pool? Really? Is it Stacey Solomon?
Is the house within walking distance (ie: 1 mile or a lil’ bit further, but not as far as 1.5 miles as that’s too far, IYKWIM)?
Did it not hurt your ~arthritic~ joints when you jumped in the pool?
Did you actually, literally PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN before you jumped in?
Did anyone take a photograph of you looking like a drowned Roland?
Did you dry out fully before you walked home or got into someone’s lovely clean car for a lift?
Pool water is awful for hair. Have you still got your PLAITS because I imagine it’s very hard for your arthritic shoulders to a) remove said plaits and then b) shower and wash your hair?
(I only ask out of concern because my poor old mama finds both things impossible, but then, I know she’s in genuine pain because there’s a ~literal~ injury/condition.)
[ETA tit, NOW you tell us it’s a bleeping paddling pool! FFS YOU RUINED MY NOTES!]
Personality traits
Why such a big ego? (More people aren’t coming to your meeting because of your cookies.) May I suggest you read or listen to Eckhart Tolle? It could just change your life.
Why tell people you have no social skills? It’s obvious, pal.
Did you not realise most people have insecurities? The difference between you and (most of) them is, they’re not living their lives on Twatter and seeking approval from faceless strangers. Those people are NOT YOUR FRIENDS, Jack.
Grammar
“That’ll learn me?”
Oh dear, Jack, your mask is slipping. A famous Orfer should know it’s teach, not learn. Would you like me to work as your editorial assistant?
I'm so sorry ladies & gents. But damn you, ninnies, I still have 10 pages to go! STOP IT!
(Love you all, really!)
I had so much to say and so many people to quote because it (the grunk) left me with many, many questions! I’ve decided to spare you all and summarise into points, then it’s easier for Jack to ~secretly~ respond. I apologise in advance!
The piano (& playing)
I don’t think I’ve ever seen such vicious banging of those poor piano keys! What did it do to upset you?
Have you/it recovered yet?
Is this the piano you had to sell circa 4 years before the photograph was taken?
Or is it a new one that a wonderful, amazing friend left on your doorstep?
~Poetry~
Quoting Jack: “I also ~write~ poetry…”
For once she’s used the tilde correctly, describing her poetry as either an approximation or “NOT”, so not really poetry! Kudos, Jack, kudos.
Baking Thrupenny Cookies
Are you aware, expert cookery person Jack, that you can create caster sugar from granulated sugar? I’m shockethed if you don’t. It MAY have saved your cookies from looking as they did. See how much nicer the Squig’s cookies looked? It could have also made them less ~grainy~ perhaps.
Did you know, egg size is important in a recipe?
Margarine is a completely manufactured product, butter is natural. It’s also not megabucks at £1.60 (my local Aldi) WHEN YOU’RE NOT ON A BUDGET (which you’re not!).
Were your nuts not rancid? (I feel that’s a Harold question, actually… 'Arold! 'Arold! Have you got rancid nuts?)
Did you ensure no-one at the "pool party" had a nut allergy, because it didn't appear that you checked?
How much money did you spend on Christmas food, because you appear to have pulled an awful lot of leftovers from the back of fridges, freezers and cupboards? Just saying.
Jack, you can get a pack of very cheap biscuits from Lidl, Aldi, Asda, even Tesco and Sainsbury’s, that cost less than 3p each. I know because I’ve regularly bought them (and the ninnies have shown you some, here)! They look far more appetising than yours do, they’re pretty tasty, AND one doesn’t have to use the expensive gas/electric to cook them! Win win, if you ask me (I love baking and cooking, but sometimes a good old cheapo biscuit will do!).
The swimming pool.
You have a rich friend with a swimming pool? Really? Is it Stacey Solomon?
Is the house within walking distance (ie: 1 mile or a lil’ bit further, but not as far as 1.5 miles as that’s too far, IYKWIM)?
Did it not hurt your ~arthritic~ joints when you jumped in the pool?
Did you actually, literally PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN before you jumped in?
Did anyone take a photograph of you looking like a drowned Roland?
Did you dry out fully before you walked home or got into someone’s lovely clean car for a lift?
Pool water is awful for hair. Have you still got your PLAITS because I imagine it’s very hard for your arthritic shoulders to a) remove said plaits and then b) shower and wash your hair?
(I only ask out of concern because my poor old mama finds both things impossible, but then, I know she’s in genuine pain because there’s a ~literal~ injury/condition.)
[ETA tit, NOW you tell us it’s a bleeping paddling pool! FFS YOU RUINED MY NOTES!]
Personality traits
Why such a big ego? (More people aren’t coming to your meeting because of your cookies.) May I suggest you read or listen to Eckhart Tolle? It could just change your life.
Why tell people you have no social skills? It’s obvious, pal.
Did you not realise most people have insecurities? The difference between you and (most of) them is, they’re not living their lives on Twatter and seeking approval from faceless strangers. Those people are NOT YOUR FRIENDS, Jack.
Grammar
“That’ll learn me?”
Oh dear, Jack, your mask is slipping. A famous Orfer should know it’s teach, not learn. Would you like me to work as your editorial assistant?
I'm so sorry ladies & gents. But damn you, ninnies, I still have 10 pages to go! STOP IT!
(Love you all, really!)
New thread title will be “I’ve had to mute that Bootstrap fella”, courtesy of @Boyo
- Status