Jack Monroe #344 344%

[colouredlines]

Jack's hair looks fairly manageable, it's not 'thick, wild hair' at all. Unless it's her kumquat head or that poodle wig.

Going by Jack's descriptions of herself physically, you'd expect her to be 1m tall with loose skin flapping around her hands from being a preemie, thick untameable hair (that's thinning and falling out in clumps), the breasts of Lolo Ferrari, a body like a melted church candle, teeth falling out every time she opens her mouth, enormous genitals threatening to escape from her three layers of underwear, a huge ass, facial hair from her testosterone days, and hideous birthmarks all over her legs.

Instead she's perfectly average in every way except her mad shark eyes.

 

[Phillipa78]

This was too good not to screen grab. This squig really captures the essence of these threads.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

I'm standing in the centre of a triangle that is three metres long on two sides and four metres on the third side, a sausage grease candle burning at each vertex. I swing a censer of burning eucalyptus and drain hair as I perform a catatonic reprise chant to complete the ritual. The floor begins to quake, dust rains down from the ceiling. An unearthly green glow emanates from the fridge as the portal to the 344th dimension opens.

It's just full of fucking rice.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

View attachment 1443047

I do sometimes wonder if me being in AA taints everything Jack says about it, but FFS Jack! Shares shouldn’t be your entire life story so only your sponsor should know your “shameful secrets and behaviours”. And if you’re spontaneously telling people, it would be worth looking into why you want to do that.

And it’s hard to explain but when you listen to people’s shares at meetings, they don’t stay in your head - I’ve never once been to a social event with AA-ers and thought “ah there’s Abbie, ordering the chicken satay. I’m surprised she can eat chicken now after she shared she’d vommed over the the floor at KFC when she was drunk”. People reading this rubbish should not be left thinking that if you bare your soul at a meeting - that’s ok, people will still invite you to things! They’ll remember it but still want to share cold tea with you!

Jack - you’re an alcoholic, the same as others who attend the meeting. You’re not the best or the worst and nobody but you has you on a pedestal.

And as for saying your meeting is more popular because you make biscuits - no. Just no. The fact you even think there’s a connection is just all kinds of worrying for someone who bangs on about sobriety and recovery.

 

[colouredlines]

I Own That! Jack is my least favourite Jack

It's probably the only honest Jack, given the state of the shitty bungalow.

Squig: "I love Burns!"
Jack: "He's my bedtime reading!"
Squig: "I love Dickinson!"
Jack: "I have a really rare edition of one of her books!"
Squig: "I love Ted Hughes!"
Jack: "I keep his corpse preserved in formaldehyde in the spare room!"

 

[kachoochoo]

some replies x

 

[Orphan_Black]

Shall I compare Jack to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as lovely nor more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the eucalyptus tree,
And the landlady's lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too sharky the eye of Jack shines,
And often is her toot toot is dimmed;
And every bean from sauce sometime declines,
By chance, or Jack's changing course, untrimmed;
But thy lights in her eyes shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of her sideboards,
Nor shall Jack brag without rattling her tip jar,
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow'st. (but shrinks down to 5ft 1.7)
So long as she's allowed to breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and she gives slop to thee.

 

[jenny2603]

One of the 'joyless tit's' mates chips in.

 

[Boyo]

Ooh, ooh. Please can we have “I’ve had to mute that Bootstrap fella” as a thread title nomination? Pleeeease 🥹

 

[Fruitjack]

Hi Jack. I’ve got a decent house, a good job, enough money, plenty of nice food, yet here I am wide awake at 4am crippled with anxiety just like every other day. These things aren’t necessarily connected you awful awful twat.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

If you turn it on its side, the tray of “biscuits” looks like something The Flintstones would use as a keyboard.

 

[Falkor]

We've made it to thread 344!

Title courtesy of @HansThatDoDishes - your prize is half a GCSE. For newer readers, back in January Jack managed to go viral on Twitter with a claim that basic food prices had risen by 344%.



This ultimately led to her launching the Vimes Boots Index, which she claimed would take her a weekend to sort out. We're still waiting.

In the last thread we discussed spite houses, the dedication section of Jack's new book, debated the actual number of GCSEs she got. Jack had another tooth crumble into dust and got into an argument over how the Youth Parliament is elected. https://tattle.life/threads/jack-monroe-343-a-heavy-dose-of-chickpea-and-loathing.31823/

Wiki is the pink button up top, please use the words thread title when nominating them. Carry on!

 

[kachoochoo]

do you reckon she's setting up the loodio to record a reading?

"stop all the clocks
and the drawer full of cocks

children with rickets
and crumpled bus tickets

I am wild
beguiled

bad ballad
fish salad

teeth crumble
nightmare pumble

ouchy feet
in search of nightmeat

no money for butter
behold my clutter!

I am alone
with a pocket full of stones"

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED kachoochoo 2022

 

[colouredlines]

I do sometimes wonder if me being in AA taints everything Jack says about it, but FFS Jack! Shares shouldn’t be your entire life story so only your sponsor should know your “shameful secrets and behaviours”. And if you’re spontaneously telling people, it would be worth looking into why you want to do that.

And it’s hard to explain but when you listen to people’s shares at meetings, they don’t stay in your head - I’ve never once been to a social event with AA-ers and thought “ah there’s Abbie, ordering the chicken satay. I’m surprised she can eat chicken now after she shared she’d vommed over the the floor at KFC when she was drunk”. People reading this rubbish should not be left thinking that if you bare your soul at a meeting - that’s ok, people will still invite you to things! They’ll remember it but still want to share cold tea with you!

Jack - you’re an alcoholic, the same as others who attend the meeting. You’re not the best or the worst and nobody but you has you on a pedestal.

And as for saying your meeting is more popular because you make biscuits - no. Just no. The fact you even think there’s a connection is just all kinds of worrying for someone who bangs on about sobriety and recovery.

I really get the impression that Jack's shares are along the lines of, "And then I drank three bottles of vodka with a really famous person, I can't name him, let's call him...Lewd Jaw, and then we had loads of sex, god so embarrassing, I can't believe I'm admitting this, I was so drunk but he told me I was the best shag of his life and thanked me for saving the poor, then he asked if I'd be up for an orgy with his Hollywood mates in the secret cellar under the Groucho Club where they only let the most famous people in, and then the queen called me and tried to thank me personally for all that I do, but I had a hangover so I couldn't pick up, and that was probably my rock bottom. Any questions?"

 

[BlendedSlop]

Also, I just had to attempt to capture @colouredlines exquisite description of Jack (in Jack's own words) on paper. Forgive me frauen und herren, for I am not a natural artist. I'm not quite sure why I depicted her with the shoulders of a linebacker, but it sort of fits with the freak-show nature of the overall description. Spoilered because of badly-drawn nudity.

Spoiler: Unruly labia

 

[Phillipa78]

Chefs kiss to this fella...

Sorry, I realize I'm wallowing in these absolutely wonderful pops at the pov princess.

This has completely ended me.
Phillipa78, Over and out.

 

[kachoochoo]

"crumblies" is making me feel on edge

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

 

[moldwarp]

Yes Jack. You are correct. Well balanced and fulfilled people tend not to spend their time being an arse to strangers on Twitter for no reason.

 

[jenny2603]

Yes Jack, I'm sure people will be so impressed with your miserable, dry rancid nut biscuits they'll overlook your vile personality. Excellent strategy.