Jack Monroe #344 344%

[BlendedSlop]

she was writing the bestest and most brilliant essay in the history of academia, so they declared her the greatest and kleverest student and just gave her another PHdand everyone clapped

I’m guessing the ridiculous essay got a slagging, she had a tantrum and quit.

Lecturer: Jack, could we have a word about your essay please?

Jack: Yes, of course you can incorporate it into your syllabus! I mean, I've got chronically low self-esteem and am too shy to talk about my six bestselling books in front of the other students, but it would be selfish of me to deprive a wider audience of my searing forensic insight.

Lecturer: Er...no, that's not it. I'm going to have to ask you to heavily edit and resubmit. You seemed to lose the purpose of the essay two paragraphs in, and I'm really struggling to see what relevance the lengthy tangent about you spreading jam on your lightbulbs in a cold bath has to the function of amino acids.

Jack: Do you want me to STOP BREATHING you mendacious sentient ham? I'm a LITERAL FOOD EXPERT. I've cooked for Mary Portas, for fuck's sake. I'm EXHAUSTED and collapsing under the crushing weight of bone-leaden ~misery~. Get fucked.

 

[MistyWindows]

To be honest, it’s been a very difficult week and Cack is just making me feel crap, so I’m behind and CBA. But I was telling my sister about Jack getting into biscuit fights on Twitter and she sent me this which I greatly enjoyed.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

 

[colouredlines]

Squiggles are now egging Jack on to publish her poetry and for once I'll say THEY'RE RIGHT, DOOOOO IT!

On Heartbreak

The driveway is empty.
It was such a big car.
How can I replace you?
On my drive and in my heart.

They said it wouldn't work,
Me and a septugenarian
But I wanted the last laugh
I've always been contrarian.

Can I blame this pain on Boris?
My brain is in a fog.
There's so much still to process -
Fuck it, I'll buy a dog.

On Politics

Nasty, snatching, mean and cruel
Leaving single mums with naught but gruel
Toddlers crying, got no jam
Because Cameron's a sentient ham

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

In January, I bought a carrot, it cost a penny. Today, I bought a carrot and it cost me £3.44, big maffs Jack

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

Outed squig also seems to be taking a leaf out of Queen Grifter’s Book of Begging on the Internet. I get the feeling there are some extremely unhealthy dynamics going on in groups where Jack is a regular.

 

[Pavlova]

"Hullo hullo, is that the shitty bungalow?"...

 

[colouredlines]

Whenever I see a child with rickets, some lines by one of the world's greatest living poets spring to mind.

 

[moldwarp]

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Are you sure Jack cos a couple weeks ago you were living the life of your wildest dreams. And a couple weeks before that you were yomping per Rialto on European city breaks and groping unsuspecting men. So, like, “longest” and “bleakest” period of depression may be a tad of an exaggeration when you consider that some people suffer ravaging clinical depression for years and even decades on end.

 

[Jelly Bean]

There was a smol lass from Southend
Her life was one massive pretend
She thought she could cook
But we've all had a look
It's like slop from a gibbon's rear end.

 

[kachoochoo]

I can appreciate a bit of poetry as much as the next frau, but this is all just so sixth form!

and I can never hear "stop all the clocks" without thinking of mick shipman doing the reading at nessa and dave's wedding

 

[Rekyavikgirl]

There was an old woman called Jack
Who struggled to cope with her twat
Her unruly labia
stretched to Arabia
And got in the way of her gak

 

[Ostapbender]

Diary of Jack Monroe, PRIVATE

25th July
Actually not having the best time lately. Dad popped round this morning to fix the shelf (it COLLAPSED. AGAIN) woke me up and decided to be really boring until I nearly went back to sleep!
You see, yesterday I didn't have much on and thought it would be SUPER FUN to crash Mum's coffee morning with all her neighbours. Orange squash in hand, I dashed vicariously into the garden, scattering children left and right. "Have a cookie," I uttered, handing them out to a joyful response all round. Well, I say all round, but Southend people are so fussy. As I heard a teacher at SB's school say once, "It's not the kids I have trouble with, it's their bloody insane parents."
One of the mums was like, "Jack, what do those cookies have in them? Jack? Jack?" OMG how prissy can you be? And yes, OK, it turned out the kid had a nut allergy, but that's not my problem. It's not as if the kid ate the cookie anyway, he just used it as a puck to play pretend ice hockey. Actually all the kids did, and soon there were cookies flying about, parents ducking for cover. Soo funny to watch as they tried to continue chatting about their extensions and mortgages and side returns, while dodging out of the way of flying crumblenuts!!! And yes, one of the kids might have smashed the window of Mum's orangery, but how's that my fault? As Eamonn Holmes once said, "Wherever Jack goes, something weird happens, but it's not her fault, she's just a wonderful, whimsical being who attracts chaos."
Anyway, once the glass had been cleared up, Mum was like WHERE IS YOUR SON and I was like HE'S IN SNOWDONIA MUM HAVING FUN, CLIMBING MOUNTAINS, CAN YOU JUST STOP, YOU DON'T RULE MY LIFE. Then I had a splash around in the paddling pool to get all the madness out of my head. The kids had to queue... it's a one Jack at a time rule around here!
Anyway, I was like, "Well Dad it's good to give kids some exercise, otherwise they spend too much time online talking total nonsense to each other. Literally the saddest thing I can think of is a row of kids buried in their phones." Well, back to listening to the radio... lots of tweets teed up for today in between baking!
PS Gave Dad the backup batch of crumblenuts by way of an apology to stop him fussing. He was thrilled. So no need to break out Sylvia Plath's Daddy and recite it this time!!! Love u Dad J x

 

[Griftymcgriftface]

Yesterday:

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Today:

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Longest and bleakest….. so worse than the time you starved your son rather than go round to mum and dad’s

 

[FrumpyCat]

We have a new Jack working in our office.

Every fucking boring detail of a possibly fictional life, including dramatic collapses at work, being rushed to hospital, and bizarrely, the admission they didn't know what a pivot table is, was delivered in a loud relentless monotone drone.

Also they can't drive, but I don t know if this is because of roundabouts.

 

[Switchstreetz]

We made it! Here's to 344 more, TOOT TOOT

 

[Sideboard Bob]

@HotesTilaire you called this back in May, but will your other prediction come true??

 

[YenE]

I have finally figured it out. Does anyone watch “What we do in the Shadows” the tv show? She’s Colin Robinson, the energy vampire. She just sucks the life out of people by boring them into submission.

 

[jenny2603]

Bless, she's discovered Maslow's 'diagram'

It's a stone cold classic Jack knows a thing without attempting to analyse it or reflect upon it. She just swallows 'facts' and rather than digest them they sit like undigested pumble waiting to honked at people on Twitter for no obvious reason. "Look at me", Jack cries "I know about Maslow". Poor, poor stupid Jack.

FYI Jack: As part of a previous job, my colleagues were sent on a basic six week counselling skills course, not to become fully qualified counsellors but to allow us to incorporate some counselling skills into our work. We did Maslow in the first week. The hierarchy of needs is pretty well known, knowing about it really isn't all that big a deal. The reason you're tapping the sign "like a motherfucking noisy furious woodpecker", isn't a cruel tory society ignoring the truth, it's that you're not saying anything worth hearing. Hope that helps, you tragic thick arse.

 

[Phillipa78]

Biscuit critic/fight squig from earlier. Even a graceful retreat (something Jack couldn't manage) earns you a pecking from the flying monkeys.