Jack Monroe #343 A heavy dose of chickpea and loathing

[MsGilmore]

10 meetings a week! That’s some audience! Also whilst working 100 hours a week!

 

[Hollaaa]

PLEASE, PLEASE PHONE ME. I WANT WEIRDO DRAMA LIKE REAL CELEBRITY.

I WANT TO BE IN THE DAILY MAILLLLLL.

Jack claims to work 100 hours a week, which, by my forensic wooden calculator, equates to 14.28 hours a day.

So far on cookie Thursday she has committed a heinous crime against baked goods.

 

[Orphan_Black]

Do you think he's trying to atone for being partly responsible for bringing that pointless grifter into the world or does he just like to increase the likelihood he'll be out if she drops round?

I think he is a little like Jack himself, loves to get his name in the paper and has major hero complex.

He at least does something good to channel this, his daughter is just a fantasist and mooch.

 

[Ostapbender]

Jackie Magazine style photo story. Who will try a bite?

Spoiler: Photos

Jack has made some of her special lemon cookies. She heads down to the local football club to see if anyone wants a snack

Giving up, she tries the fire station

Shit, it's Old Chief, better leave. Looks like he wants a word.

Oh hello officer! Just a smol pixie here. May I shake your hand?

Uh oh, he wants a word too. Better do as he says... for now

How dare you accuse me of poisoning. I've cooked for Mary Portas for fuck's sake!

 

[Ostapbender]

I asked ten British dogs for their opinion of dog food. All of them said they enjoyed it (I mean, they didn't say it, but they ate it just fine). Therefore, my forensic logic says the British people all enjoy dog food, which should be stacked with essential items in every supermarket and priced down 75% to ensure budget cooks can snaffle all the animal tails they need for their pooches/stews/pumbles. Go well x My IQ is 134 btw

 

[colouredlines]

I also feel like I need to share this, from the "Breakfast" section:

View attachment 1437640

OMG thanks! I can't stop laughing at this - the recipe that she proudly claims will have an immediate powerful laxative effect, but also the epic tip "Blenders are pretty handy to have in the kitchen." That's why we need literal food experts, I had no idea...

 

[StatusWoe]

Buying cheap boots is a false economy. You have to replace them often therefore spending more.
Rich people who can afford the initial 150 quid lay out for good boots don't spend so much on them in the long run.
Something like that.
ANNNND it was Robert Tressell not Pratchett who pointed this out in 'The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists'.

ETA.. How this applies to Smart Price rice, fuck knows.

This is still confusing though. Say Parallel Universe Jack creates an 'index to document the inflation in the prices of basic necessities' (because the one in this universe will never),
1. Is this information not currently available?
2. Inflation in prices is subject to change, so the index will never be finished. Literally, it'll be NEVER COMPLETED IT, MATE.
3. How is this info meant to help in a practical sense? If you say, for example, ''Look, house prices in this area have risen by --% since 2008'' that's just sharing a statistic. It's not a proposed solution to the problem of rising house prices.

Am I being dense? I just don't understand the point.

 

[Jelly Bean]

Ha! It's a DKL midweek throwback sesh! Toot Toot!

ETA-

Spoiler: comments on vid

View attachment 1432878



I’ve thought long and hard about it and this was definitely my 2020 highlight. Before we went live on DKL every day in the first week I would be in my kitchen from 6am doing sound checks and rehearsals and tech checks and script run throughs and also parenting and feeding the family and setting up home schooling and moving the lighting depending on the weather and cleaning smudges off cabinets and a zillion other things - it was absolutely MAD here every single morning trying to segue from a home kitchen to a studio space and back again....so I didn’t notice one morning that as I raced back in to the kitchen after my final-nervous-wee-two-minutes-before-the-theme-tune (shouting to the fam to disconnect everything from the WiFi and not come in for the next hour) that my big gorgeous cat had run in the door behind me... until I saw him looming in the background of the iPad i’d duct taped up in a corner to keep an eye on the gallery (that’s a row of screens that shows the live transmission, the studio, the director/team and multiple camera angles so you can keep an eye on what’s going on and going out). And anyway, 1.6 million people got to hear the special soppy voice I talk to my cat with live on the BBC. And he biffed me in the face for it, because he’s so much cooler than I am. To this day I remain grateful that he chose to make his television debut on the day I’d finally got my shit together enough to do my hair and makeup. What a wild time this was. And how thankful I am for all of it

As usual trying to extract truth from her hyperbole and lies is a fool's errand - but why on Daily Kitchen Live (a potentially decent programme she single handedly torpedoed) was she was 'working' from 3.30am to midnight?
Well truth probably is she wasn't working at all. But absolutely buzzing from the attention, drinking and monitoring both Tattle and Twitter at all hours. Really showing she was never suitable or professional enough to handle this quite minor bit of celebrity and responsibility.

 

[jenny2603]

She looks like the Joker, just more demented and murderous.

This is the scariest collage yet.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Jack broke the IQ test. There was just no one with the intellect to capture her raw and limitless intelligence. She's diagnosed gifted, you know.

Diagnosed gifted and yet all her teachers thought she'd end up flipping burgers

 

[Switchstreetz]

How many teeth did she start with? I refuse to believe she has any left to break. This is a weekly occurrence.

"I Jack Monroe, have the most teeth, all the teeth, more teeth than anybody ever."

Luckily for her, sharks regenerate teeth

Can Sharks Really Grow an Unlimited Number of Teeth?

Ryan G. asks: Is it true that if a shark loses a tooth it just grows a new one? Is there a limit to how often a shark can do this? While sharks aren’t exactly the ruthless predators most Hollywood features make them out to be (see: Do Sharks Really Not Like How Humans Taste?), they do possess a...

www.todayifoundout.com

 

[blurstoftimes]

This is so ridiculous. The OP is mocking people boasting about their IQ, and Jack responds by .... boasting about her IQ.

it’s all that evil parent-governor’s fault!

edit this was supposed to be in response to @Veronicaaa ’s burger flipping post but i just wanted an excuse to remind people of this article

 

[Boogs]

I made a nice grid collage of a time when the lights were on.

View attachment 1432542

I was hoping to finally get a decent nights sleep tonight now the weather has cooled down. Now I don’t want to sleep in case that truly fucking terrifying, Nam eyed, shark mouthed, evil goblin invades my dreams.

Send holy waterios

 

[jenny2603]

Spoiler: Tax evasion stuff

They might have put it in a SSAS - if you have your own limited company, the company sets up a SSAS (small self-administered scheme) pension scheme for its directors, payments are made into it to take advantage of the tax breaks on pension contributions or directors can transfer other pensions they already have into it to seed it with cash, the SSAS then buys the building and rents it to the company, rents go back into the SSAS and are added to the directors' pension pots under the same favourable tax regime. All completely legal and the SSAS can even take on a mortgage to buy it, within certain limits.

Also I just checked the disqualifications list on Companies House, she hasn't been disqualified, she could start another limited company tomorrow if she wanted.

I think if the last few years has taught us anything, it's that Jack is waaaaay too stupid to have a Ltd company. You'd get better results putting a pigeon in charge.

 

[colouredlines]

Big D will last forever!
Seriously though, I read an article once about the things that the oldest people in the world have in common. It varied but they made a tick list and Big D seems to have most of them.
In no particular order it included having grandchildren, owning pets, eating a Mediterranean diet and keeping active. There was more to it than that but Big D has all of those in buckets.
Plus the fact that the empire has to be split 4 ways.

Does Dave, born and raised in England to an English mother, follow a Mediterranean diet? The only things he has been known to cook are trifle and Chinese takeaway chicken curry.

I will concede that when Jack was tweeting in a SEVERE covid fugue state that long list of childhood classics, she mentioned Dad's pasta. It was referred to, IIRC, as a "cuboid slab". Yum...

 

[jenny2603]

If she cares about fires, why not use her considerable platform to do something about climate change and the scary heat that led to those fires, rather than talking about herself.

Oh it's Jack, who can only talk about herself.

She'd need to find a way to centre herself in it. Something like "during The Poverty I was lapping from a puddle in the street because I couldn't afford water, when I was kicked aside by an evil Tory. Denied moisture, I burst into flames as the Tories danced round me singing "burn, baby burn, povvo inferno" and chanting "shut your legs". It is only thanks to the NHS and my fire fighting skills that I was able to survive this horrible ordeal".

 

[Mr Krabs]

She hasn’t sent any copies to anyone of course, it’s all bullcrap. Never forget that Jack Monroe of Twitter is a character, IRL she wouldn’t dare.

But Fraus I am still trying to get my head around the Jimmy McGill style conman enormity of lying to the NEW YORK TIMES, that multi-Pulitzer prize winning newspaper of record, about sleeping rough for two years. Sleeping rough means the same in the US as it does here. By any standards, that is a shocking whopper. Why did she say that? Wasn’t she terrified of being found out? What did her friends and family think when they saw it?

that is some real brass balls, smh

I had seen the whopper that she ‘slept rough’ before, and that it was mentioned in a US paper. I gave Jack the benefit of the doubt at the time, as I assumed something was lost in translation and the journalist had simply mistakenly thought she had been homeless. But no, it was a direct quote. Straight from her filler-enhanced gob. I honestly think the lies are a symptom of a mental illness because she makes up so many crazy ones like working in a brothel that it’s almost like she can’t help it at this point.

 

[Lazarus]

What evidence is there that Jack actually moved out at 16? Surely this would have been hard to afford for a smol pixie, and she probably wouldn't have been entitled to any help. Unless she's counting staying in one of her grandad's properties as "moving out"?

She said on that radio programme (the one in which she threw a pencil case at Kelvin McKenzie as JFT96) that she first rented privately around aged 17.

Tomorrow is the second anniversary of when the Greek mezze was on special at the Co_op.

View attachment 1437226
View attachment 1437219

Yes those old Greek classics i know from my own childhood, padron peppers and garlic pizza bread.

 

[Orphan_Black]

I'm surprised she has any teeth left, one crumbles out of her mouth at a monthly rate, yet never any evidence, and normally followed by a takeaway the day after.

I dunno, Jack, seems like you're....lying. It's dull, find another stupid story to lie about.

 

[Mr Krabs]

Let’s not forget her classic recipe for Triple Tomato Soup.

I have so many questions, such as why are you making soup out of soup? But my main one is, why do you need to blend this? It’s soup and chopped tomatoes. Even with the ouwchiest of mouths you could drink this down.