Having seen her on TV, the thought of her answering the phone in an emergency, terrifies me
Having seen her on TV, the thought of her answering the phone in an emergency, terrifies meWithout being able to drive or swim!
fucking poetry.Allotment Jack is almost certainly one we will get eventually, and it’ll go like this.
1) Breadcrumbs about some exciting news, the squigs all think that finally their deity has been given the twenty four part prime time BBC1 show she’s so cruelly been overlooked for. Jack reveals the news, she’s getting an allotment, squigs feign excitement.
2) Allotment Jack goes into overdrive with ring binders, glitter pens and post it notes making planting schedules and growing charts, she shares all these with Twitter. This is her thing now, she’s gardener Jack, she’s going to be the best ever, better than Charlie Dimmock, Allan Tichmarsh and Monty Don rolled into one.
3) She buys shiny new toys, tools, seeds and whatever else gardeners use. Shows these off on Twitter, a few non Jack fan accounts mutter about how she’s supposedly broke but spending £££s on new stuff. Squigs shout about can’t Jack have nice things and squeal over spades and hoes.
4) She writes a toe curling piece on having an allotment. “I arrived at my little patch of earth just as the sun slid surreptitiously over the horizon like an inexplicable egg floating on a nourishing bowl of curried pigs trotter and mussel soup (recipe to follow). The scent of the sensual sepia soil soothes my scarred and scared soul. Old Bert is already here, his aubergine and plums ripe and purple are laid out on his trug for all to admire. He beckons me over with one strong yet wrinkled yet aged yet gnarled hand. As I approach he looks me up and down, then speaks, his voice is the voice of the people ‘Aye lass, you’ll make a fine wee gardener that’s for sure, I can see you’ve got soil under your nails and could bench press the queen.’ As he says this he wipes a tear from his eye, and I know I’m home, this is where I belong.”
5) Three days later Jack forgets all about the allotment and we never hear of it again. Gardener Jack is replaced by, in turn, geologist Jack, bee keeper Jack and modern sculpture enthusiast Jack. All of which last approximately one week.
E Coli infection is what she's giving us, by the look of her nailsDear lord that article is nonsense but this jumped out at me...
View attachment 1396555
Also it's amazing that it could've been written last week or 4 years ago. Nothing changes in jack land.
Surely she won’t make the pineappleCack's new tampon holder?!
If she does get one it is likely to be totally overgrown and needing some serious hard work to put right. It's rare to get one that's ready to go (unless via Daddy H)Allotment Jack is almost certainly one we will get eventually, and it’ll go like this.
1) Breadcrumbs about some exciting news, the squigs all think that finally their deity has been given the twenty four part prime time BBC1 show she’s so cruelly been overlooked for. Jack reveals the news, she’s getting an allotment, squigs feign excitement.
2) Allotment Jack goes into overdrive with ring binders, glitter pens and post it notes making planting schedules and growing charts, she shares all these with Twitter. This is her thing now, she’s gardener Jack, she’s going to be the best ever, better than Charlie Dimmock, Allan Tichmarsh and Monty Don rolled into one.
3) She buys shiny new toys, tools, seeds and whatever else gardeners use. Shows these off on Twitter, a few non Jack fan accounts mutter about how she’s supposedly broke but spending £££s on new stuff. Squigs shout about can’t Jack have nice things and squeal over spades and hoes.
4) She writes a toe curling piece on having an allotment. “I arrived at my little patch of earth just as the sun slid surreptitiously over the horizon like an inexplicable egg floating on a nourishing bowl of curried pigs trotter and mussel soup (recipe to follow). The scent of the sensual sepia soil soothes my scarred and scared soul. Old Bert is already here, his aubergine and plums ripe and purple are laid out on his trug for all to admire. He beckons me over with one strong yet wrinkled yet aged yet gnarled hand. As I approach he looks me up and down, then speaks, his voice is the voice of the people ‘Aye lass, you’ll make a fine wee gardener that’s for sure, I can see you’ve got soil under your nails and could bench press the queen.’ As he says this he wipes a tear from his eye, and I know I’m home, this is where I belong.”
5) Three days later Jack forgets all about the allotment and we never hear of it again. Gardener Jack is replaced by, in turn, geologist Jack, bee keeper Jack and modern sculpture enthusiast Jack. All of which last approximately one week.
Jack is almost the anti-christ of influencers, thanks to her I will never donate to the Trussell Trust, buy anything from Hellmans or Linda McCartney and am considering a boycott of Tiggy & Bo and SuperdrugSuperdrug has ended their association haven't they?
Must be because when Jack gave her talk she urged the staff to stand up And demand a decent wage. Just after she told them to ignore shop lifting.
Jack never spends over £20 on a shop so no free Lurpak butter for her! Another way the capitalists punish the poor, and another example to add to the VBI.View attachment 1396548
Getir getting into Jack's niche and providing a non-shoplifting solution to the butter crisis.
"Bundle of energy" is snide journalese for "annoying as hell" isn't it. In the same way that "tired and emotional" means "steaming drunk" and "in high spirits" means "on the J1G again".
I have the seven dwarves song going on...we dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig, dig the whole night(meat) through, we dig dig....you get the idea!Jack: "It's ok to steal...just not from Super drug as they pay me. BUT THEY HAVE FAT CAT CEO'S TOO BITCHES TOOT TOOT"
I genuinely believed this real til you got to the quotesshe’s hit the press again! Tried to copy over.
Daily Mail
Shoplifters of the world unite! Food blogger says it’s no big deal to steal your meal.
A food blogger has turned thousands of years of law and order on its head by suggesting ‘it’s ok to shoplift.’
Jack Monroe, known for her 9p badly-costed recipes and school essay ‘Potatoes’ told her 540k followers on Twitter that it was acceptable to steal what they needed from shops.
Despite securing five-figure deals with a host of major brands including Sainsbury’s, Del Monte, Hellman’s and Superdrug, the heavily-tattooed mum from Essex threw off her capitalist shackles in a late night rant - after being angered at the rising price of Lurpack butter.
Unable to see the irony as she typed furiously on one of her phones from her £850k detached home, she said: “I know major organised theft has an impact on corporate profit margins, but when they pay their CEOs £5million a year while refusing their cleaning colleagues a living wage, and keep their checkout staff on poverty wages to bolster their shareholder profits, frankly fuck them.”
Jack, who last year vented about burglars stealing old receipts, pots and a lawnmower without a battery from her garage, told her fans she had given a talk to Superdrug employees where she had said it was acceptable to steal from stores. She also told her followers it was their ‘civic duty’ to steal ‘do not steal’ signs.
A spokesman for Superdrug said: “We knew what we were getting involved with when we hired her. She’s a maverick.”
Shop owner Iqbal, Jack’s former landlord added: “First she left some bags full of shit in my flat, now she’s telling people to steal from shops. With this attitude she deserves to be in government. Is she OK?”
Will the VBI need to be adjusted for all the ’free-and-legally-nicked’ merch available to all?Jack never spends over £20 on a shop so no free Lurpak butter for her! Another way the capitalists punish the poor, and another example to add to the VBI.
https://giphy.com/1zjQiLGfgb10nc7WouLove that they tried to make Jack’s pink blazer and leopard print heels sound sexy, but all I could picture was Theresa May.
She absolutely loves using those tattoo's as a point for discussion, doesn't she?
There’s also a wedding to plan, some time next year, which gave Monroe pause to reconsider her tattoos.
“I had a very fleeting aww, I’m not going to look like brides on the front of magazines,” she says. “But then I thought I’m going to look bloody awesome, I’m going to be punk as hell!
She's about as punk as Sandi Thom when she was singing she wished she was a punk rocker with flowers in her hair.
It has been known! it’s often at stuff we did when we were drinking. I would like to think Jack would be able to laugh at herself but I can’t imagine it at all tbh, and that’s a bit sad reallyThanks for the explanation-o, Lennie. Much appreciated. I'm not an AA frau, so i didn't know that, and if i did, i most likely forgot. Every day is a school day on these threads and i'm always grateful to those who share.
In your fellowship, do you normally laugh until your sides hurt?
Nah she neglects her garden, there is no way she will go an a waiting list for an allotment, she can’t travel to wherever her nearest allotments are. Carrying all the necessaries, and she’s too damm lazy, as if she will go twice a day, early morning, late evening to waterIf she does get one it is likely to be totally overgrown and needing some serious hard work to put right. It's rare to get one that's ready to go (unless via Daddy H)
Tatty Devine necklace. That’s around 3 weeks of shopping moneyos.
We use cookies and similar technologies for the following purposes:
Do you accept cookies and these technologies?
We use cookies and similar technologies for the following purposes:
Do you accept cookies and these technologies?