Jack Monroe #322 Mr T Roll and the Mitty Bungalow Mystery

[Bugger13]

Robert Burns has risen from his grave to bless us all with a new poem called:

Tae A Smol Pixie
On Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Polis
June, 2022

Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim’rous smol pixie beastie,
O, what a panic’s in thy titmas breastie!
Thou need na start scampering awa sae hasty,
Wi’ bickering rage tweetin brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an’ chase thee,
Wi’ murdering pumble!

I’m truly sorry HMRC's dominion
Has broken Pixie's Patreon union,
An’ justifies that ill opinion
Which makes thee startle
At us, thy poor, earth-born Tattlers
An’ fellow- honest non griftin mortal!

I doubt na, whyles, but thou may thieve;
What then? poor beastie, thou maun live oan Cotswolde Sideys!
A daimen-icker tiffany in tha lugs
‘S a sma’ requet;
I’ll get a blessin wi’ the lave,
An’ never miss’t!

Thy wee-bit shitey housie, too, in ruin!
Its silly wa’s the win’s are strewin!
An’ naething, now, to big a new ane,
O’ orangerie and hydrangie blue!
An’ bleak December’s win’s ur honkin,
Baith snell an’ keen!
Thy posties askin

Thou saw the pay pigs laid bare an’ waste,
An’ weary poverty comin fast,
An’ cozie here, beneath the grift,
Thou thought to dwell,
Till crash! the cruel polis past
Out thro’ thy cell.

That wee bit heap o’ muddy puddle,
Has cost thee monie a weary nibble!
Now thou’s turned out, for a’ thy trouble, by wicked land lady
But house or hald,
To thole the per Rialto,
An’ cranreuch cauld thy feet in snow!

But Pixie, thou art no thy lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best-laid schemes o’ smol pixies an’ goblins
Gang aft agley,
An’ lea’e us nought but grief an’ pain,
For promis’d joy!

Still thou are not blest, compared wi’ me!
The money only toucheth thee:
But Och! I backward cast my e’e,
On prospects drear!
An’ forward, tho’ I cannot see,
I guess an’ fear that taxman, the polise, plus Lozza an his pals!

Superb The shitting dog<wee timorous beastie.

 

[binkbonk]

The bit of Alan Partridge's autobiography where he's arrested does ring a little bell
View attachment 1335982
Legal disclaimer: not all these things definitely happened

He enjoys correctly cooked beans? Not similar at all

 

[Orphan_Black]

Teach people to cook? Do people need teaching how to prepare slop?

Lee Anderson certainly thinks so. Awh, Jack, you could have had an MP buddy if you weren't such a narc and claimed ownership of the poors.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

I don't wish Jack any harm at all. I enjoyed the quiet calm without her constant life commentary but am not in the least bit surprised that she is back all guns* blazing *evening Big D.

I just want her to open the box.

I think there should be a poll at the start of the next thread. What's in the box, has she opened it. Has Space Squig imploded, that kind of thing.

 

[HotesTilaire]

NO. Now fork off.

I’ve seen Manc cutlery drawer

 

[Mallerenga]

The writing on the tiles behind the pumble is an ancient symbolic language. It says

Bqneppo
Pre

3 baranes
fuga
ploys
pox

Oh fuck, what was that noise? Why are there pears dripping out of my taps??

Spoiler: I'll show myself out

 

[Mrs Moon]

I'm sharing the information but I urge you to sit down and make sure you have someone with you because this is grim.

Spoiler: The Pumble

Pumble, 20p [VG/V/DF]

This cheeky little number is a cross between a pie and a crumble, a hot sweet pile of stewed fruits beneath a crumbly puff pastry topping. I admit to approaching my pies with borderline religious f…

cookingonabootstrap.com

I'm sharing the information but I urge you to sit down and make sure you have someone with you because this is grim.

Spoiler: The Pumble

Pumble, 20p [VG/V/DF]

This cheeky little number is a cross between a pie and a crumble, a hot sweet pile of stewed fruits beneath a crumbly puff pastry topping. I admit to approaching my pies with borderline religious f…

cookingonabootstrap.com

Yep it is disgusting

 

[Griftymcgriftface]

Will ainsley become her next target, with his good mood food program?

She needs to back of anywhere near him. I’ve decided right now he is a national treasure and that good mood show is absolutely lovely.

 

[DinosaurSenior]

When I looked at the "Who Is" for the "VBI" ( ) site, it's registered in Canada. Unless that's the default address if the name owner chooses anonymous

 

[Cucumberthunder]

You sometimes have to write your own biog intro for things like this, I once wrote mine and my friend who was running the event told me to boast about myself a bit more, I bet r jackie has never had that problem!

I wonder if it's been used before as the Rashford thing really dates it.

It's the sort of thing an author or agent would write. I had to write one for my works website. It was super cringe.

 

[trueblue222]

My husband and I occasionally have a night away from my kids, usually around a birthday or an anniversary, however it is literally one night and we are back my lunch the next morning, mainly due to not taking the piss on our babysitter and also because well we have had a break, spent quality time together and are ready too see our kids again. I honestly could not leave them for days on end. I'd he going stir crazy not to mention I don't have that generous of babysitters,( they have lives too)

Nothing wrong with that. I would never criticise anyone who left their kids for a night or two to have a celebration

But she's an arse who uses her kid for publicity and then fucks off on holiday with her latest shagpiece

I will not apologise for saying it as it is because she's a horrible person who used her son for sympathy and fucks off on holiday without him

Thankfully he seems to have a better life with his dad

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Spoiler: merail

OMG this is amazing, and it has reminded me of when my family moved to the UK and John Menzies shops were still a thing, and my dad (who had worked on an oil rig in Scotland in his youth 🔺️) was SO proud of the fact that he could pronounce "Menzies" correctly. He was always shoehorning it into conversations, and it was so cringey for Young Me that I was delighted when WH Smith took over.

On topic - @Veronicaaa, will Lurker Frau get close enough to report on any sort of lingering honk? Obviously if a surreptitious whiff will give the game away I don't recommend it, but I would like to know what Jack smells of.

ETA: TBH I would LOVE Lurker Frau to start a lengthy conversation about the methodology used for the VBI, but now that I've said it, she can't really.

Quite nerve wracking to think that someone might actually see her IRL.

Mario seems to be clocked quite regularly, Hinch appears to have been quite close to home this week. If Smol Pixie does get seen, just imagine!

We might all faint on mass, need smelling salts and retire to our beds for the foreseeable.

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

What about if you received a claim from somebody who prior to that point, didn't exist, says they've just changed their name, is giving the NI number and DOB of somebody called M Hadjicostas, who has given the name and address of M. Hadjicostas' employer (they have no knowledge of a J Monroe), but is wailing and howling at you that you're literally going to kill them by making them and their child (whose name doesn't match what is on his birth certificate either and whose father has no knowledge of this change) homeless when to all intents and purposes, this looks like a clear case of somebody stealing a M Hadjicostas' identity and entitlement to IS/HB/ChB/CTB?

I've dealt with claims where people have changed their names and their children's names. It doesn't cause huge delays, as long as everything has been done correctly, as in, they have a legal document signed and stamped by a solicitor showing their name change. At most, this would have prompted a home visit which might have delayed the claim by a week or so

 

[flightofthealligator]

I am finding this discussion about whether she’ll ever change really interesting. And I suppose it’s linked to the question I asked previously about whether fraus know Jack-types IRL. Until quite recently, I held fast to a belief that if people wanted to change enough, they could. (And that if their behaviour was causing them issues, they’d want to change.) I had an experience not long ago in my own life that forced me to reflect on that, and I’m now thinking about Jack and her ilk. Do you guys think that some people actually can’t change? Is it a matter of not wanting to, or not being able to? I just always thought that self-reflection, therapy, medication and hard work could fix most problems* but I wonder if I’ve been frightfully naive…

(*Not severe mental illnesses, obviously)

Hmmmm. It’s an interesting one. I think in my experience, there are some people for whom they are so afraid of the thought of them having any agency over their thoughts/feelings/behaviours that to own that their reactions to their life experience might be keeping them stuck is overwhelming. So they absent themselves from the responsibility of feeling their feelings and they recruit others into their world view that what they are going through is unbearable and so other people take on the responsibility of relieving their burden of pain/stress/distress etc. So it isn’t to say people can’t change, but to do so would require such a world changing shift in thinking that it’s to overwhelming. However it isn’t that they won’t change because to ask them to do so is beyond what they can manage.

NB: this is not to minimise the impact of Neuro divergence/structural inequality and oppression/multi generational stresses and trauma and people being bastards

 

[trueblue222]

So basically no one can cook from tins unless it's her?

 

[JeanBurns76]

I am finding this discussion about whether she’ll ever change really interesting. And I suppose it’s linked to the question I asked previously about whether fraus know Jack-types IRL. Until quite recently, I held fast to a belief that if people wanted to change enough, they could. (And that if their behaviour was causing them issues, they’d want to change.) I had an experience not long ago in my own life that forced me to reflect on that, and I’m now thinking about Jack and her ilk. Do you guys think that some people actually can’t change? Is it a matter of not wanting to, or not being able to? I just always thought that self-reflection, therapy, medication and hard work could fix most problems* but I wonder if I’ve been frightfully naive…

(*Not severe mental illnesses, obviously)

I believe if people want to change, they can. I believe that most people have good intentions to, but for everyone who can change for the better in this world, there’s a Jack. She won’t change because she doesn’t see any wrong in her behaviour and she truly believes she’s been put on this earth to be loved and adored and that she is entitled to everything she has and more. She obviously thought those foster kids she grew up with stole her parents time, attention and money, I think she enjoys ripping people off as some sort of payback for the way she grew up. Even though her childhood would have been pretty normal and privileged compared to the kids sent to live with her. You can see she gets off on the attention and the love bombing from adoring squigs.

 

[WTFDidIJustSee]

She was probably told if she kept drinking at the same level she could do irreparable damage to her liver and she took it as she was in liver failure. The liver can take a fair amount of abuse and heal, when you get to cirrhosis its pretty much game over.

Brother goes for scans twice a year to keep on eye it - as he’s sober it’s not getting any worse but it’s not getting any better - IIRC it’s Alcoholic Hepatitis? Or it was when it was diagnosed, I don’t know if the classification changes when you’re sober.

Another family member has cirrhosis. Diagnosed 3 years ago, no big surprise, still kicking around, drinks about half what they used to but still far, far too much. Doesn’t really care, either.

Spoiler: CW: suicide

I feel like I’ve spent 15 years watching this one slowly commit suicide.

 

[HotesTilaire]

For some reason recently I was thinking about what I'd do if I saw Jack in the flesh. I decided I would sidle up to her and ask if she was Jack Monroe, mainly to make sure because god knows what she looks like irl. Presumably I'll have to use the tattoos as ID. I would tell her I was a huge fan of her work, then when she started to thankme, I would say 'thank you is two words and Slopbot sends his regards' and slither away.

If slopbot fits in your coat pocket, how big is Insultbot?

 

[Naboo The Enigma]

Not sure that she did borrow off them tbh. She might have left the job with a couple of months wages plus if she was OK at that point with cash she would have had money to tide her over.

She's basically said she didn't tell them she was broke so they didn't give her money.

Her mum was questioned at the time of the Sunday People article and said Jack didn't want help. She was an idiot for not claiming benefits as soon as she was entitled

I even gave her the benefit of the doubt for not claiming benefits straight away as when I separated from my kids' dad and had to give up my job (which did not pay 27K, not even half that) he insisted that he would take care of them financially and I believed him and thought that dealing with the DWP would be more trouble than it was worth. After a few weeks, he stopped paying, and I put in a claim for Income Support and Housing Benefit, which went through in no time. I even had a lovely DWP worker visit me at home to make sure that I was claiming everything that I was entitled to. I assumed that Jack was in a similar position, but then it turned out that her ex is the most supportive dad ever?

BTW fraus - I had my first Jack dream last night I dreamt that I went to the hairdresser's and they gave me a Jack haircut. (I've been growing my hair out from a pixie and it's almost shoulder length after 18 months. My hair grows pretty fast. Not as fast as our heroine who can go from a pixie to boob length in six months though.)

 

[Ostapbender]

Pissed off for a variety of reasons but why does she think that “regular humans” have weekends off?

NHS and police officers don’t. Retail and hospitality workers don’t. Teachers don’t. Volunteers don’t. People who work in public transport don’t (obviously more examples but I have run out of brain power).

Bonkers. She is actually bonkers.

Bless you for this!
eta free time for teachers and adjacents is a lie