Jack Monroe #189 Food Crime Pie

[BlendedSlop]

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(Did I do it right? )

I'm sorry, dear heart, but if you're serious about imitating the iconic food photography of the Slop Saint I feel like I need to give you some constructive criticism:

1. Your thumbnail is far too clean.
2. Your plate and knife of choice look like things people might actually have in their kitchen, instead of an antique shop or museum.
3. You should be cradling said plate with both hands, instead of using one of them to take the photo (that's what your tongue is for!).

A+ for putting yourself through the traumatic experience of making and then eating that slimy monstrosity though!

 

[Gordon78]

One for the history books, frauen. I believe this is the first recipe Jack ever posted online. It looks... ...good? Well, not the worst anyway!

 

[lilamay]

@Marmalade Atkins found a new insta that Vonny set to private, it can’t be two weeks old. Mackie is listed as following.

It's an account Vonny's using to focus on her weightlifting, so of course 'bodybuilding pescatarian' Jack is following

Have Vonny and twit ever met? I'd really love to be a fly on that wall; never mind elevenerifing, they'd be up to a hundrederifing each other if not more over ailments and ethnicities alone.

Put Jameela Jamil in there for the ultimate showdown!

One for the history books, frauen. I believe this is the first recipe Jack ever posted online. It looks... ...good? Well, not the worst anyway!

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They have the same colouring as Oompa Loompas!

 

[MaineCoonMama]

I say this often but that was the BEST morning Grunka I've ever experienced. I had actual tears of laughter over @Mr Krabs post in the last thread. My face is aching and my tum is ouchy from laughing.
@Orphan_Black I think we'd be instant BFFs in real life, you crack me up!

 

[Cookiecookie]

One for the history books, frauen. I believe this is the first recipe Jack ever posted online. It looks... ...good? Well, not the worst anyway!

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They look horrifying. Also, vanilla listed in ingredients, but not in the recipe

 

[lilamay]

Also, I've never seen a blondies recipe that requires as many as 4 eggs?!

 

[Marj24]

One for the history books, frauen. I believe this is the first recipe Jack ever posted online. It looks... ...good? Well, not the worst anyway!

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So she started with a very low bar and has subsequently limboed under it as it has consistently got nearer and nearer to the ground!

 

[waffle maker]

Flashback to our lockdown 2020. There was about a month or two where you couldn’t leave your house without a permit- one person per household could shop 2x a week. Kids under 12 were not allowed to leave at all. Nobody was allowed to exercise or walk their dogs. They washed every street in the city with disinfectant. A police drone told some people I know off for being in their own garden after 6pm as there was also a curfew where you weren’t even allowed permits.

During this time we were all doing home learning live on Teams and Zoom. 4 of us online for 7/8 hours a day as our fee paying schools went fully online from day 1 so we got paid. We had to increase our internet speed at home. Our housemaid got stuck in an extra strict area of Dubai with police barriers so the house went to rack and ruin. There was a shortage of bread flour and yeast. Masks cost £20 for a box of 50. My husband wore out our grass running 5k round our tiny garden.

Anyway, at this time we used to make the slow cooker bread. It made the (filthy) house smell great, it was dense and oddly moist and the crust was chewy in a leathery way. We persevered for weeks. Once we made it in the oven and it was a lot nicer. As soon as school finished for the summer we never made it again. The memory was locked away in my 2020 ‘new normal’ corner I thought never to be revisited!

(don’t worry I got a permit to take food and money to our maid and paid her to stay home. She was living in a bed space in a place with (according to her) unsavory Philipinios so I blgged the police to let her out with me and found her a room to rent near us. She has loads of work up here and will live happily ever after retiring to her home country in the Autumn. Also masks cost a pound now but you still can’t leave the house without one)

Thank (space) you for listening to my slow cooker Ted talk, and thanks @Orphan_Black for the inspiration!

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

One for the history books, frauen. I believe this is the first recipe Jack ever posted online. It looks... ...good? Well, not the worst anyway!

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IF IT IS CAKEY IT IS NOT A BLONDIE, JACK.

Why would you go to the hassle of beating the eggs and sugar until fluffy for a traybake that is supposed to be dense and gooey (some with a lesser grasp of the English language might say... unctuous...)?? As firmly established in the last two threads, anyone who bakes with any regularity can immediately tell that her ingredient lists/methods are off.

Stop pretending to have any enthusiasm for baking, Jack, and stop making people waste money on precious butter, eggs and sugar to end up with a dense, dichotomous (soggy/dry) brick.

I can’t believe nobody at grammar school taught her “i before e except after c”

 

[Marj24]

Unfortunately for Jack this appropriately named book title to represent her baking talents is already taken

 

[Harrybosch]

One for the history books, frauen. I believe this is the first recipe Jack ever posted online. It looks... ...good? Well, not the worst anyway!

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So in March 2012 she had money for butter, macadamias and matcha? This is when she had no heating and unscrewed lightbulbs.

 

[colouredlines]

Some things never change. IT'S YOUR OWN BLOG FFS.

Also...reading the recipe, the method suggests that icing is supposed to be buttercream? How did it turn out like that?

A fairly expensive recipe for one so poor. Her priced recipes started around the same time...can't find the screenshots now, but they were initially part of her doing a Living Below The Line challenge. It took quite a long time for her to start pretending they were her everyday reality (basically, when the national press came calling).

ETA: also, the recipe was "concieved (sic) in my kitchen today" but "macadamia, cashew and blanched almonds all work very well". So...she made it at least three separate times, to test different nuts? And cashews in that thing? Really?

 

[Powershower]

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Some things never change. IT'S YOUR OWN BLOG FFS.

Also...reading the recipe, the method suggests that icing is supposed to be buttercream? How did it turn out like that?

A fairly expensive recipe for one so poor. Her priced recipes started around the same time...can't find the screenshots now, but they were initially part of her doing a Living Below The Line challenge. It took quite a long time for her to start pretending they were her everyday reality (basically, when the national press came calling).

ETA: also, the recipe was "concieved (sic) in my kitchen today" but "macadamia, cashew and blanched almonds all work very well". So...she made it at least three separate times, to test different nuts? And cashews in that thing? Really?

a nut is a nut is a nut

 

[Legionnairess]

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I say this often but that was the BEST morning Grunka I've ever experienced. I had actual tears of laughter over @Mr Krabs post in the last thread. My face is aching and my tum is ouchy from laughing.
@Orphan_Black I think we'd be instant BFFs in real life, you crack me up!

Mine too! What a way to start your day. Thank you ninnies especially you @Orphan_Black and your thankfully clean knife. You are all wonderful.

 

[veryfondoftea]

Good Lord J Compton @Orphan_Black that bread looks poorly. Well done for persevering and I hope that hasn’t resulted in a night on the toilet for you. That slime streak genuinely nearly got me retching.

 

[Hootrena]

Fraus. It needed the 20 minutes extra. It still don't seem right. It's like a sponge left to get mildew-y in a grubby bath.

Whilst it cools I'm off to walk the dog and re-evaluate my life choices...


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Exactly the same as when I made it.

 

[Captainmouse]

It has a kind of slime mould thing going on. I did physically wretch on touching it. I'm 100% going to try and see how thin a slice would be if I managed 37.5 slices out of it

Also, we need to add 15p for first aid bits due to me being a clumsy oaf with these damn hands and burning myself putting the paper back into the slow cooker.

You obviously need some

 

[MancBee]

It looks... ...good?

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No. They look horrible.

And since when did we in the UK start calling buttercream "frosting"? That green slime looks like the lava bread (seaweed) dad used to love bringing back from our trips to my grandparents in Wales.

 

[Captainmouse]

Also why would a 10 year old, or even an adult need 2 bananas in a breakfast portion?

Cos they are smol ickle pixie bananas

 

[PoorPatrol]

So in March 2012 she had money for butter, macadamias and matcha? This is when she had no heating and unscrewed lightbulbs.

That’s what I was thinking! Was this not the exact time that she unplugged the fridge and unscrewed the lightbulbs? “More bread mummy, more jam mummy” aww no, mamapapa has no more bread or jam, babes. Have a blondie!