Jack Monroe #135 No measurable outcomes

[I’MBUSY!]

More in one phone call than Jack in ten years.

 

[Tomato223]

I’ve been lurking for a long time but recently I just can’t cope.
My mum died almost two years ago from pneumonia/ Alzheimer’s. My dad cared for her at home with little support. Where was Jack then, ‘standing up for the little folk’?!? Carers / support staff have been disregard since March. But that doesn’t generate headlines so she doesn’t give a shit.

Apologies, it’s my birthday, I’ve had wine, and I miss my mum, so I may be overly emotional. I will now head back into lurckerville where I belong.

Absolutely fuck off

 

[Tittykitty]

Absolutely fuming about the ‘feral’ foster children comment.
Let me tell you it from us ‘feral’s point of view. In care more than once a year from being a baby, first actual memory was sitting at the breakfast table and been given the rind off the bacon instead of the actual bacon as it was ‘tastier’. Then there were the 3 actual children at another place who punched me each morning on the way to school, I was 5. The woman who wouldn’t let us play with the games as they belonged to her granddaughters who we had to say welcome to and make them a drink every time they entered the house. The stay in the children’s home where an older girl said if I mentioned my mum, this was a week or two after my dad had died, she would stab me. Then the sexual abuse from the older son of my favourite foster parent. But we were ‘feral’ so didn’t count.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Wonder if Zoe will reply.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

I don't know lads, I think the email from Peter was real because you can't possibly fake emails.

Now that we've got that established, here's a lovely email I received from Jack herself:

 

[HarderFaster]

Very, VERY telling that as Roadside Mum writes up the tangible outcomes of her campaigning (I think the new boxes look absolutely great), our Jackie is over on Instagram shilling vegan food for a decent wage after a year of promoting low welfare meat.

Like I said, disaster capitalist.

 

[Fruitjack]

This is probably too much information but Mr Fruitjack just tried to instigate a morning session but I wouldn’t because I was still grunking through the last thread. So I ended up having to explain why these threads are so gripping and I just garbled non stop about the reasons and about Jack for 20 minutes solid, it all flew out of my mouth. Needless to say it diminished his ardour and he’s gone to make coffee with a ‘she sounds odd’ shrug

 

[lilamay]

Her Corbyn apology made it onto reddit, on a page described as 'A sub for anything UK related and insanely stupid' - sounds about right!



This comment

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Hi Jackie, (we know you read here), you can hang this up next to the Emin

 

[Puddy Muddle]

I’ve just been googling images of Omega Seamaster watches and it looks like one, from the strap alone.

Stand down, Frauen. It was I, Puddle, who secured the Seamaster for her. I tried to place it gently on her doorstep, but was unable to move, being a Puddle. Bided my time, I did, the many long years, while she trundled up and down the street, weighed down by the Packages of Patreon and the Shopping Bags of Stupidity. Called out weakly, "Behold, I am Puddle." Disgorged a scarf to draw her closer, alas to no avail. She simply pounced pixily upon the end, tugged it clear, then scampered labradorily away like an overworked simile.

At last it came to me. For where does one turn in times of crisis but to family? What kind of fool had I been to struggle alone? And thus it came to pass that in fair Southend I laid my scene. Catching her in a weakened state, upon her seventeenth return from Asda, I appealed to my brethren, the dirt beneath her fingernails.

"I may be Puddle!" I cried. "But first, I am Muddy! If you dehydrate me, do I not Dirt?"

Oh. They could scarcely deny it. And finally - o glorious moment! - there they were. There she was. Down, they led her, those grasping fingers. Mercy, I thought. I may be Puddle but here is a brown not usually found in nature. Brace yourself, I thought. Did.

There are horrors of which we will not speak. If I had known ... if I had imagined ... I would have trained to be a Barrow Down.

No matter. It is done. I greeted my brethren, revealed the Precious. Deep and deeper they dove. Friends, her face was in me. I can hardly ...

Stop. The past is the past. What use in hauling it with you, endlessly performing your briefest, darkest moment?

I released the Precious. "It is Seamaster," I murmured. "A gift from the depths. Now FUCK OFF."

And thus her legendary love of sea shanties was born. And also an avatar.

 

[Mel Donte]

For some reason I just hear "we had a house, it had a roof" to the tune of sk8er boy but I like sherrif fatman to let it take over my ear worm

We had a house
It had a roof
Can I make it any more obvious?
I'm middle class
I did ballet
What more can I say?

 

[colouredlines]

The article claims she's been trying to make a noise about this since March.

I know mass Tweet deleting sprees make it hard to confirm this, so here's a quick overview of what Jack's been doing since March:

* having a temper tantrum about Jamie Oliver
* grating corned beef on a car crash of a TV show
* remodelling her shed
* doing a series of hideously embarrassing Instagram lives about mayonnaise
* giving herself ill-advised haircuts
* appropriating the BLM movement
* torturing a disabled kitten
* going to Edinburgh to eat at Five Guys the second Scotland opened the border
* relaxing in a hammock
* accusing David Walliams of being a racist cokehead
* suffering from ouchy mouth
* suffering from severe burnout
* facetuning herself into a 12-year-old
* writing about how great the Queen is in the Express
* having the worst covid ever, or not

and - mostly:

* complaining CONSTANTLY about how poor she is, begging for patreons, and pretending she lives on 20£ a week's worth of food for 2 - 3 people, despite her recipes routinely featuring other ingredients that weren't in het shopping

Here's what she did about hungry children:

* started following Marcus Rashford on Twitter AFTER his campaign was a success, having never mentioned it or him before
* interviewed Marcus Rashford for GQ, making it clear she was meeting him for the first time
* lied about working with Marcus Rashford, repeatedly

Well done Guardian.

 

[Froggies]

Just repeating what everyone else has said, but that Guardian article is vomit-inducing. I noticed there was no reference to Joan of Narc recovering from Covid, which you'd expect to have been mentioned even if only briefly, considering how topical it is

Also, this bit made me HOOT (after howling and gnashing in disbelief)

View attachment 386441

I know it’s too early in the thread but ‘Joan of Narc’ HAS to be nominated for a thread title.

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @Petelgeuse for the thread title! your prize: a new job as Jack’s spin doctor. Do you possess hands?

Recap of thread #134

1. She forgot about her Thunderclap. Not great for the founder.
2. ‘I mean my god if I was contracted to do a job and only completed a quarter of it I wouldn’t get bloody PAID let alone retain my contract long term without any consequences.’
3. She ‘lost her rag and called the prime minister a liar on BBC News’. She’s ‘just so tired of it all’. How disingenuous.
4. Her appearance.
5. Roadside Mum is ‘biting her tongue’.
6. The Express said she called him a liar so it must be true.
7. She was ‘caught catnapping’. Ooh, that mirror!
8. More DM delights.
9. Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

   [*]
   For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
   
   Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
   Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
   
   Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
   
   For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
   
   *** JACKISMS ***
   
   Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
   
   Yes, absolutely x
   
   Some other favourite Jack quotes:
   
   ‘Babe, same’
   ‘I did a chaos’
   ‘My maverick brain’
   ‘My sad little face’
   ‘I’m BUSY’
   ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
   ‘I laughed up a lung’
   
   ** NEW **
   ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.
   
   She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
   
   As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.
   
   *****
   
   One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
   
   To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
   
   Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
   
   Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
   
   We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
   
   During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
   
   Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
   
   Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
   
   *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
   
   Also:
   

   • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
   • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
   • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
   • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
   • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
   • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
   • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
   • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
   • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
   • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.

   [*]
   Use the pink link tab at the top of the thread to find Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, where you will find all episodes of Daily Kitchen Live.
   
   We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
   
   

   • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.

   [*][*]

 

[MooBelle]

Ugh, you guys move too fast! I've had to copy and paste my response from last post.
(in response to that awful Greenbelt thing)

Was life financially hard for your family or were you comfortably off?
I was never aware until I was an adult how financially difficult my childhood had been. Quite often, my parents didn’t eat dinner with us, and it took me being a parent to realise that’s because they didn’t have any.
Oh my fucking life!
[/QUOTE]
Um Jack, you what mate?
Your parents were unbelievably affluent. I won't list the attributes because it is boring.
But I will say..

Until you decided to give up a well paid career in the Fire Service you had absolutely no worries about money.
Your parents were loving, financially comfortable and supportive.
Your parents may have tightened their belts a bit, but pretty much every young parent does this. No one was missing meals.
Your extended family, by your own admission, are/were loving and supportive.
The first time you had a bump in the road was when you had a tantrum because you couldn't work the hours you wanted in the Fire Service so you quit in temper.
You then had another tantrum because the council didn't immediately house you in a nice Victorian semi in a posh part of Southend. This time your tantrum was a slow burn one.
You decided to starve your child and sell all his possessions as part of some disgusting poverty cosplay that you keep up to this day.
You had your son's father providing over and above his legal and moral requirements. You had extremely wealthy parents a couple of streets away. You had an extended family
who provided for you.
You then got a millionaire girlfriend who became your fiance.
I'll stop there because it is starting to anger me again.
All of the above, and more, and you STILL insist on lie after lie after lie.
I just, just, just....
I can't even articulate.
And now you are doing the povo cosplay to the actual flock that think you are an actual Prophet.
I'm not religious, but you really will burn in hell.

 

[batteredcodhead]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Blown away by the support she has, what an absolute con merchant. It's hard to keep current with these fast moving threads, but my eyes are open. Thankyou all.
Now fuck off.

 

[Pixieboots]

Grunking so unsure if this is old news, but this is from Zoe Williams' replies.

 

[OhhBacon]

So;

• Roadside Mum has had a good chat with Chartwells and clearly explained the outcome on her twitter- no retweet.
• Marks and Spencer’s are offering a meal plan and a free fiver- no retweet.
• Marcus and his pals have written a letter -no retweet.
• Various people respond to her wail, explaiNing how helpful their council have been - no retweet.

How can people not see she is in this for her publicity only? There is no confirmation or communication of anything positive that others have achieved.

*I am sure the list of people achieveing things could be expanded, these are just 4 things off the top of my head.

 

[PoorPatrol]

View attachment 386161View attachment 386162

So. Peter C isn’t real, his other account is a Porsche.

Why would you speak to someone privately by email, in a supposedly measured and polite way, only to then take screenshots of it and mug them off publicly. It doesn’t make any sense at all. She says she won’t ever post screenshots of alleged abuse and death threats, but is quite happy to share these inane ramblings of a fictitious old git? Yeah it adds up about as much as the poverty timeline.

 

[Pocahontas]

Peter is like her little friend. He says all the right things and sets her up to look like a saint. Pray for Peter, and the hand inside him.
(yeah, that sounds wrong - I was trying for a puppet analogy)