Hi all!
Tattle user Switchstreetz here, ready to conquer my fears! Obviously this is all alleged/our opinion
or whatever the magic words are that mean JM doesn't materialise in front of me at 4am to kick my shins!
*Insert several minutes/paragraphs of me talking about myself instead of the actual subject of the event, before remembering to go back to the actual topic at hand. This week I ran OUT of JAM.*
At close of submissions we had reached 447 responses! I know some may have had a cheeky double dip, but that’s still so much more than I was expecting - testament to how many are lurking on these threads!
No question was mandatory, but it seems nearly everyone decided to answer every question - numbers range from 441 responses to The Eye of Sauron award to 447 responses for the Novak Nail award. It's been so interesting to see the results develop!
Many thanks to
@Sideboard Bob for
designing the Sloppies trophy! It looks fab!
Right, this is going to be a loooong post so let’s get on with it!!
Kicking things off with
The Eye of Sauron award for “best public appearance” this evening! The vote percentage is in brackets. Here's our runners up!
3rd place - Hellman’s IGTV (18.4%)
2nd place - This Morning (19.7%)
and the winner, by an absolute landslide (acapella cover) with 46.7% of the vote.…
its........
DAILY KITCHEN LIVE! I don't think it could have been any other way to be honest - DKL is what kickstarted these threads, it seems only fair to give thanks!
The twitter bully award for “pile-on of the year”
3rd place - LNER (5.9%)
2nd place - David Walliams (37.2%)
The winner is…
THAT MAN! Yes, Jamie Oliver wins with 52.7% of the vote! Personally, I felt I deserved to win this one, so I encourage you all to tweet the BBC about this injustice, and one day I too can grate corned beef on the telly. /s
The Golden Grifty award for “most egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poor”
3rd place - The mighty smeg fridge (7.6%)
2nd place - The ever multiplying Cotswold furniture (18.9%)
And the winner is…
The last minute trip to Edinburgh, another easy win for the top choice! (with 51% of the vote!)
The Full Moon award for “best chaos”
This one and the Novak Nail award were a little different, being multiple choice, with up to 3 selections allowed per person. Rather than percentage of the vote I’ll show how many people chose each answer in brackets for these two awards.
5th place - The chicken* lingreenie on this morning, *chicken not included (75)
4th place - The ouchy mouth dramas - they were legion, and they were all ridiculous. Even my local avon lady has never waxed lyrical about the magical healing properties of red lipstick. (85)
3rd place - Daily kitchen live - we had passive aggressive lemons, dusty aunt Helen, and the infamous “terrible.” DKL was a delight from beginning to end, thank you very matt much matt! (98)
2nd place - Edinburgh trip - yes this option is showing up in multiple categories, but it is NOT a chain, ok? Anyway, Jack’s very cultural journey where she sat indoors and photographed celery came second (117)
which means first place goes to…
Thread 31! Jack’s foray into the fraus was chosen (235) times, making it the clear winner! So where were you when thread 31 happened?
The Yes Absolutely award for “most useless/actively detrimental advice”
3rd place - Sponsorbot - why seek out an empathetic human with similar life experience for your recovery, when you can buy a drawing of a robot? (15.8%)
2nd place - All food is the same. No oregano left for your pizza? Try the eucalyptus tree in your
crappy garden. What, you don't have one?! (24.5%)
And the winner is...
.The absolutely iconic answer to why mince has different fat percentages…”it just does.” (27.3%)
The Facetune Award for “selfie of the year”
3rd place - (Honorary) Dr Dr Who? It’s the time travelling photos of herself edited to make her look young enough to be her own child. (11.3%)
2nd place - Something’s simmering…the infamous sideboard modelling shots came second with a searing performance (18.9%)
1st place...
Put on your sunglasses, its the blinding black eye selfie! Taking home (38.1%) of the vote, it clearly made an impression on you all. See how she glitters!
The Missed Deadline Award for “most urgent item on the to do list”
It’s kept Kachoochoo BUSY for months, the magnum opus that is Jack's ever-growing to do list. We let you have your say on which items should come top of Jack’s agenda.
3rd place - The £15 a week school meals (23.9%)
2nd place - The reason for those cursed sideboard modelling photos - something has been simmering since June, could it be the chicken thigh stock? (29.1%)
And the winner is.…
Thrifty Shades of Beige - the people need the high quality postcards they have paid for! (37.5%)
To date we have yet to see a single person talk about receiving their postcards with pictures, i believe the mince pie toasties were sent to all patrons above a certain amount and weren't a TSoBeige reard. Pretty poor form when they’re paying £10 a month!!!
The Sure, Jan Award for “best imaginary friend or enemy”
3rd place - Matt Tebbutt as JM imagined him, her sidekick in a cheeky little double act. This version of Matt is as fictional as a David Walliams character. (16.7%)
2nd place - The shadowy cabal of bullying hausfrau ninnies she sees in every corner. (22.3%)
Now who could the winner be, I wonder…
Birds? In Traaaaazers? It had to be the old chief didn’t it! Some men just want to watch the world burn, and the birds at the fire station valiantly trying to put it out must only wear skirts. (30.9%)
A bird in traazers, for your viewing pleasure.
The Mission Inn Star Award for “best slop”
By choosing the tattle version you have actually spared yourself the photo grid of JM creations I inflicted upon anyone who watched the fancy version.
5th place - Cheesy fish finger lasagne (6.7%)
4th place - Mussels and pears (11.4%)
3rd place - SBs pasta, boiled in THRICE RECYCLED betroot water & served with a blended sauce of cheese slices and raw flour (13.9%)
2nd place -Mackerel weetabix floating in raw egg, with noodles (14.1%)
And the winner is
“It’ll thicken up” it’s the one and only, the spunky bechamel sauce wins big at the races with 25.8% of the vote - we’ll have to ask Dinosaur what the odds were on that!
I was clawing at the floor in horror looking at these results.
“How do we live in a universe where the afterbirth oats, Mancbee’s stuffing mix soup -that’s probably still repeating on him a month later-, and the peach and chickpea curry haven’t even made the top 5?!”
I howled, gnashing my teeth. Then I looked at the actual top 5 and felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of tastebuds cried out at once in terror, and then were suddenly silenced. My rage abated, as I wept in relief that I would never have to languorously devour this cuisine myself. Later, I bought another Cotswold sideboard to cover the scratches in the floorboards.
The Novak Nail award for “most entertaining/outrageous lie”
Possibly the most eagerly anticipated result of this event! Some of her lies are infuriating, some are upsetting, some are just deeply hilarious. One or two may even have a grain of truth to them! All were covered on tattle with receipts, and here’s a round-up of your top 5 from 2020.
5th place - That time she claimed to have been offered a 7 figure sum for the film rights to her life (50)
4th place - Indirectly lying about being a firefighter, and co-opting grenfell to talk about herself (63)
3rd place - The shimmery black eye (153)
2nd place - We’ve had muddy puddles, foolish charity shops and accidental extra sofas delivered. Runner up this year goes to “the lies about how she obtained all her expensive items.” (177)
And the winner is…
The £20 shop - The people have spoken, and they chose this frankly irresponsible Tory propaganda as 2020’s most iconic lie. (201)
The Silver Poca Plate for “honorary frau of the year”
Our last award of the evening! For our final award, we’re taking the focus off Jack and putting it on something positive.
There are many valid reasons to not be on tattle, it might be that you’re taking the good fight to manipulative influencers directly on twitter and challenging their narrative. Alternatively, maybe you’re a journalist or celebrity yourself and having an account would affect your career. Perhaps it's just that you are a sheep.
This award honours all those who do not post here, but who we respect and admire enough to consider one of the coven nevertheless.
Saturn, we hope you’re well out there in the interplanetary trenches, keep up the good work! You are of course an eternal frau, if you ever get bored of being out there amongst the stars, you’ll always be welcome here.
3rd place - Nibbles and Loppy (Only 16.1% I demand a recount!)
2nd place - Matt Tebbutt, but the real version (17.5%)
And the winner is…
The followers brave enough to speak out against Jack (46.4%)
It takes a lot of courage to publicly disagree with someone who has a much larger following online. This award is dedicated not to the bigots or trolls, but to those who raised contradictions, and spoke up when they felt wrongdoing was being perpetrated by JM. Many were fans at the time, some may even be fans still, but to all those squiggles who stood their ground and endured the flying monkeys for their troubles, we salute you.
Finally, I asked you all a very important question -
are you Jack Monroe?
I am sorry to say that 5 of us said yes, meaning we have a chain of Jacks in our midst, in restaurant parlance.
44 of you said no, which was much more reassuring.
A staggering
396 of you told me to
get to absolute duck. I’m so proud of you all!
Honestly it’s been incredible reading through the results and seeing drama like the “For Sale” sign and the unmasking of Peeky Mink not even scrape the top 5 wildest chaoses of the last 6-12 months. I think we can safely diagnose her as melodramatic to the extreme.
Here’s to 2021! I hope it’s a better year than 2020 has been, and that we’re all here again in 12 months with new inside jokes and the same great community feeling. I know many of us have had an incredibly difficult year, and I hope better days are coming for you all.
Annoyingly I can’t just sit and thank you all, as I’d inevitably miss someone out, and I’d hate to make JM’s printer run out of ink, I’m considerate like that
So just a few quick ones:
Thanks again Sideboard Bob for the trophies, and thanks to Kachoochoo for helping out with the Missed Deadline award (and for your excellent chronicling of the to do list.)
Last but not least I want to throw in a thank(space) you to traumatised sideboard for making me laugh so often. Slopbot is incredible, I love the new branding!
http://www.slopbot.com/
And to each and every one of you on the JM threads: Take care of yourselves, have a wonderful festive season, and keep being your wonderful funny selves. You, the fraus, are what make these threads great. Each and every one of you contributes something to the experience in your own unique way.
Now duck off x
but my college piloted mass testing for staff and students last week, normal college staff registered, tested and processed 3,000 people. I don’t know if those other education fraus can contact me privately but feel free to do so if I can help), I’ve woken up early and just read the sloppies. A truly amazing piece of work. I’ve only read the phone version but I plan to get my work laptop out for one thing only this holiday and that’s to view them in all their glory. 
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