Jack Monroe #119 She says lots of things, many of which are false
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I'd have made that joke about Teresa May when she was Home Secretary - or David Blunkett.
The year is 2028. Our heroine Jack takes a break from saving the poor and logs into Twitter to ask if anyone remembers Spangles...She knows she has a massive challenge to try and direct attention away from 'The Sloppies' later on. I don't rule out an A&E lady doctor being involved.
What odds can I get on this episode inevitably resulting in a 'Long Covid' self-diagnosis that will be wheeled out to excuse any future failures to deliver?
Squiggle1: Sorry to bother you Jack but I've been messaging about my Thrifty Shades of Beige perks for a few years now. I know you're BUSY but I was just wondering when I can expect my postcards. P.S You're a superstar!
Jack: You probably haven't given me your address. That's usually the problem. Also I have had SEVERE LONG COVID so you know sorry if I don't just jump to attention the minute you click your fingers. I have been asked not to overwhelm the Post Office and would like to respect that even if you clearly don't.
Squiggle1: Thanks for responding Jack. You've been so brave and I'm sorry if my Tweet caused you any offence. I'll wait anther couple of years and see if anything turns up.
Jack: Sorry if I was a bit off but I've been getting bullied online for twenty seven years over the last six months and I'm a bit hypersensitive like I'm being slowly devoured from the inside out by a fanged parasite that doesn't have shins so cannot be kicked. I am suffering but my tormentors don't care that they're slowly killing me.
Squiggle1: Oh Jack I'm so sorry. I can't believe the abuse you take just for trying to help people. Remember we love you you lil' superstar.
Squiggle2: STOP BULLYING JACK YOU RANCID TORY tit
Squiggle3: duck you scum. Jack is a bleeping hero.
Squiggle 4: APOLOGISE TO JACK YOU NONCE
Squiggle1: I've said sorry. I would never upset Jack on purpose.
Squiggle3: Delete your account you ugly Tory hell spawn.
My kids are looking at me like I’m mad, I can hardly breathe for laughing
BRILLIANTponce, haven’t heard that for years!
There’s a thread title in waiting: “being slowly devoured from the inside out by a fanged parasite”
Lol I am part of the very same mailing list and just punched the air and cackled with glee xAll right, not wanting toanyone (or myself) but SOMEBODY just sent an amazing email to an academic mailing list I'm part of completely destroying Jack because another email suggested 'the artist formally known as potatoes' as essential reading for understanding food poverty. Really sorry I can't screenshot but it was brutal and brilliant and I am HERE for it. That person MUST be a Tattler.
They're very welcome to DM me (if they're comfortable) cos I am absolutely dying to know who it is
A very clear example is that the joke would have never been made about Theresa May. And the only difference between her and Priti is the colour of their skin. Both horrible people through and through.
I can't take credit for it I'm afraid. I used a different word and it magically changed to ponce.My kids are looking at me like I’m mad, I can hardly breathe for laughing
ponce, haven’t heard that for years!
Lads I’m BUSY so won’t be here for the sloppies 
but I will be back later to Grunka all the gossip. I anticipate at least one thread, if not two by the time I come back.
but I will be back later to Grunka all the gossip. I anticipate at least one thread, if not two by the time I come back.Hadn't read this before my last comment where I said that the joke wouldn't be made about Theresa May
Maybe as a German I need to keep my nose out of British jokes.
She’s certainly exaggerating her temperature, I would say. 40.5 is extremely high.
Gah I am desperate to see the academic email! Was it sent to many people? Has there been more feedback since it was sent??
I am such a petty asshole that I hope JM lurks in these threads and now knows about it.
I disagree, Harry. I think British people wield their famed sense of humour like a shield and we (yes) absolutely need calling out when we’re being unfunny, offensive arseholes.Hadn't read this before my last comment where I said that the joke wouldn't be made about Theresa May
Maybe as a German I need to keep my nose out of British jokes.
ich liebe dich.
ETA - In case it wasn’t clear I meant I disagree you should keep quiet!
Priti Patel's parents emigrated to the UK in the 1960s, and it's been said many times previously that her policies would have meant her own parents being deported back to Uganda, I just see that 'joke' as referencing this fact.
My partner's parents are also from East Africa (originally Gujarat like PP's) and emigrated here in the 70s and the entire family utterly despise her (and they are very much wealthy successful middle class British Asians, so not dissimilar to her). She and her policies are vile.
My partner's parents are also from East Africa (originally Gujarat like PP's) and emigrated here in the 70s and the entire family utterly despise her (and they are very much wealthy successful middle class British Asians, so not dissimilar to her). She and her policies are vile.
That's a hospital trip..
She def does (hi jack
)
Babe, same x
I think this exemplifies JM's slow downfall. Unless she gets herself 'cancelled' on social media, I envisage it being a collective and slow realisation that she's a complete grifter as information from Tattle slowly trickles down.
Yes, someone else has piped up saying that Jack's piece was very powerful
dammit.Yes, someone else has piped up saying that Jack's piece was very powerful
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