Jack Monroe #119 She says lots of things, many of which are false

[Lanie]

"Did you see the size of that chicken?!" Sorry couldn't resist that quote. I personally think the chicken is a bit cremated and will probably be as dry as a badgers arse. Also prawns

 

[Readingismyhobby]

Did the turkey die of old age? It's wrinklier than Lizzie Birdsworth. Terry the Sparrow looks in better nick than that and he's been dead for weeks.

View attachment 349244

That poor chicken looks wretched. It looks as if it’s been shrunk

 

[Lanie]

Thread title christmas slop that will make you plop.

 

[Captainmouse]

Did the turkey die of old age? It's wrinklier than Lizzie Birdsworth. Terry the Sparrow looks in better nick than that and he's been dead for weeks.

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Looking at this, the size of the sausages, the chicken is really small

 

[Captainmouse]

Come

I will say that Jack is above average at photography. Which makes it all the worse that this latest golden Xmas slop is so weird looking. I’ve seen one of the carrots is bent at a right angle she must have put turmeric on the spuds and bird (or the gold sparkle from the custard) would it have been so difficult to put some paprika on the prawn cocktail?
And what’s this now £2.82 per person - so £11.28 for this 3 course “dinner” for 4?
She doesn’t have a proper USP.
Is it foodie cooking on a budget
Is it budget cooking
Is it zero waste
Is it vegan/vegetarian
NO it’s not exactly any of those but it might sort of be some of them

come come now, her USP is, regardless of the quality of the ingredients, guaranteed inedible slop

 

[waffle maker]

She’s ruined Christmas for anyone who has to eat that abomination from the bungalow of COVID.

 

[Candytuft]

Would you rather.....
Eat Brenda’s bangers or the Xmas brick of sadness and bread mincemeat pudding?
No need to reply.

I would rather chop my arms off and have bleeding stumps than eat that.
This is going to be good.

 

[HarderFaster]

Maybe she is a food deconstructionist. Her slop could go on show at the Tate Modern. It would certainly rival Emin's unmade bed for messy, sloppy, eww factor.

If Jack’s food were art: https://www.nationalgalleries.org/art-and-artists/87183/fettstuhl-fat-chair

(just for clarity as I’m not sure the blurb says: the chair is covered in - you guessed it - LARD)

 

[veryfondoftea]

Omg is that a turkey?!!! I didn’t know turkeys were so tiny (I don’t eat them) and that prawn cocktail I just don’t know what to say

 

[Lemonsweets91]

@MancBee
The house smells like the funeral home where I saw my Dad before we screwed the lid on the box.
He WAS dead, we didn't just bury him for shits and giggles.
The dog left the kitchen and he sticks to me like a conjoined twin when I'm cooking
It tastes very salty, slightly sweet but surprisingly un-oniony.
Like herbs in hot water with half a tsp of sugar.
It leaves a greasy residue on your lips, like being kissed by someone wearing chapstick.
It needs some cornflour to thicken it but that will do nothing to improve the flavour.
Ten out of Ten will never do it again.

That is something else!

 

[Captainmouse]

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I've only augmented the chicken a wee bit...the eyes and mouth were already there, screaming into the void of lardy gravy. Gravy made with potato boiling water which apparently keeps itself hot for the 90 mins/two hours in which it takes to roast the spuds..

Do you think she has ever eaten a proper Christmas dinner?

 

[Cookiecookie]

Ooooo I love suet pastry, I haven't made it in ages. I can only imagine Jack's recipe for a suet crust pie.

Please don't give her ideas! She's ruined enough things as is

 

[ScamSandwich]

Jesus Christ, why?!

Are we living in an alternate fucking reality?!

I wish he could be more precise...

 

[Knit one Pearl one]

I hope this isn’t louisa’s birthday cake

Ooh, I had not thought of that. If she's not feeling too ill now. She soon will be.

 

[HotesTilaire]

Checks date of birth, checks for presence of large rock I have never heard of baking spread! Quick google brings up trex. When did it become baking spread?

It’s just stork. Baking fat.
And there does seem to be a place for lard, I’m sure @MancBee is right, it’s a type of fat which has its place in a meat pie pastry. But not in my side veg!
Edit to add- see also-suet.

 

[Narc ahoy]

@Gazelle, I am vegan so I am excused. But I would be most curious to hear reports from any intrepid Frau or Herr who dares to make any of this menu.

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

I think she should be called a food assassin because she is good at destroying food

Maybe she is a food deconstructionist. Her slop could go on show at the Tate Modern. It would certainly rival Emin's unmade bed for messy, sloppy, eww factor.

 

[Walnutss]

View attachment 351260

Mankind? What about theykind?

Fuck off

 

[Puddy Muddle]

I really want to know what this. I assume the yellow stuff is custard but it has a oily looking residue on it which isn’t typical of any custard I’ve ever had

Maybe she's face-tuning the slop now? Next level.

 

[Fenella]

I really, really want someone to make this gravy. I have all the ingredients (including lard, but I will explain) but I can't justify the waste of onions, cranberry sauce and chicken stock. Please will someone try it, or I might be forced to have a go myself.

i know I’m so intrigued to see wtf and how bad it is, more than any of her fucking horrible sounding recipes. i really want to do it, but I only have an onion!

has grapefruit and prawn cocktail ever been a thing anywhere? Is it like something in the 70’s that I just don’t know or is it purely to get some del monte in there?