Curse my big mouth, you know I talk a lot—pls skip if it’s too much!
Thank you for that knowledge, and for your constant compassion. When I meditate to God I try to scribble little entries in a journal to capture what He says. If I meditate deeply enough, the words start to arrive. And there was this uncomfortable warning that came to me through a sea of remarks this past summer, I had underlined it: “His hands are bare, but he would use them as if they are thorned.” It frightened me that whole day.
He acts dangerously impulsively. He doesn’t think. But he does have enough control to stop himself—the concerning part is WHEN that control reaches his mind. He loves me fiercely, but he has a severe anger problem. He doesn’t believe in medicine nor psychiatry, BARELY my therapy. He refuses to be diagnosed, claiming that no one knows him better than he does, but narcissistic traits are flaming in him.
My psych told me to just stay out of his way, avoid conflict until I can leave in a few years. Just don’t fight him and I won’t get hurt in any way.
He and I have softened to each other again right now, slightly—just for the sake of things not being tense. He runs errands on my behalf or carves out pomegranates for breakfast without my asking. This happens all the time: he’s horrible but then the guilt nearly kills him so he’s kind again. It’s not a fake compassion, he’s just very sorry that he can’t take back his actions. I guess abusers (those with SOME level of empathy) do this?
I grew up with this: his crazy rage and then his offering me big bouquets of flowers or going on a special trip to New York City or cuddling up next to him to watch whatever cartoon series I wanted for the rest of the night. I feel privileged to have a father with this level of generosity…but at the same time it is very, VERY confusing, being harmed and then showered in love, again and again and again. My impressions of love are extremely damaged due to this.
I’m still changing my name, and God willing I’m still going to Wales in the next couple of years.
_______
Also this is an aside but I really need to apologize to you for biting you two threads ago during that wave of disagreements and discomfort and opinions. I implied at one point that I didn’t care about your potential loss of respect for me, and that isn’t true. I care a great deal about how you perceive me, Cookie Monsta—you and everyone here. I’m honest with my kindness, I love seeing people happy, and I don’t want that BPD-driven frustration to make my kindness seem artificial, like some kind of disguise for a mean heart. It’s real, I promise.
It’s something I’m working on, defending my stance with direct and measured words that address the issue at hand WITHOUT employing sarcasm or unkindness in between just to appease my personal nerves.
Yet another Arab proverb: “It’s best not to do that which requires an apology.” I should follow it.
Anyway, do forgive me for hurting you? I value how you think of me in this space, because we all contribute to its safety and it’s so important that you feel safe here.
I'm ashamed of and regret what I said and wish so much I could take it back. That proverb really speaks to me. I'm so sorry I hurt you. You are and always have been one of my favourite people in here, and your posts, whether serious, funny or emotional, always move and inspire me. Not to mention your food posts make me so hungry! You are a really beautiful, unique and special person and I am privileged to know you just a little. 
