Needed this tonight. One of the hoard became an octopus and I'm wrestling a fat foot into a onesie..had not great thoughts about myself as a parent. Ended up giving raspberries on fat feet and tummies. It's hard as a parent to give yourself props. But I can say I am a better parent than Alice by 1000%.
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I so identify with this.
Even now, as a Nana, I feel guilt about the times I think I "failed" as a parent.
But you know what, like you, I tried my best to do the best I could, to be the best mum and parent for my children (which includes my stepchildren).
I broke a cycle of abuse (CSA and physical) - my children (and siblings) never experienced that from me and knew I would do everything in my power to protect them.
I met all their basic needs, along with the support of a loving partner (eventually, first one not so much), and we even managed to provide some small luxuries like family holidays and paying for extra-curricular activities for them by both of us working - literally and figuratively - together and bloody hard.
My children have all grown up to be reasonably well balanced, happy, successful (in whatever path/career they chose to follow, no matter how difficult or challenging) and are civilised and valued contributing members of society and their communities.
Most importantly, they know - and knew as they were growing up, especially through those difficult teenage years - that they were/are loved and that we were/are proud of them and supported them in what they wanted to achieve.
There may have been times when I felt a bit frustrated with them ("bend the knee"
) but the love for your children is not always expressed in "fun" ways - it's expressed in consistency, stability, routine, structure, reliability, safety. Not in burdening them with adult worries, but also not leading them to have false expectations (no, we can't afford that expensive 50k a year school, but you don't need to worry that we can't meet the bills).
So don't be hard on yourself - you or any other parent out there currently going through the highs & throes of raising a family. As long as you are doing your best, as long as you recognise that the ways of mAlice the Abuser are not the right ways of parenting, then you can't be on the wrong path.
Be kind to yourself, big hugs to your kids, and let's all hope and pray that the Es (including the furry one
) will soon be feeling the sense of contentment and security that I am sure your little ones experience.