You shouldnt be sleeping on the sofa, so the kids can get in the bed. He should be sleeping on the sofa. You pay the rent and the mortgage etc, you should be able to sleep in your own bed.It sounds like he would be better off being single so he could just concentrate on the kids. You're really low on his priorities.Are you being used do you think for childcare and help round the home etc? He doesnt sound into you at all sorry.We started off like rabbits in the honeymoon phase as my OH called it for like 3 months then it moved to every few days then weekly now it’s hit and miss , he says in the week he is work minded and due to hating his job he can’t focus and isn’t majorly important to him , then weekend is consumed with being dad with the kids so we don’t have contact so they don’t run back and tell the ex , we just don’t show any affection I even sleep on the sofa so they can get into our bed if they need to ,
It gets me so down the lack of contact and if I bring the subject up which I have a lot I get shot down and told that it simply isn’t as important to him as me ,
He says our time is holidays and trips awayWhich our next few trips are with the kids so won’t be happening then , I get really annoyed because I know he sorts himself out and I’ve told him that upsets me because he’s not reason to do that ! When he’s got a GF more than willing , he thinks I don’t know but girls know right ! I get to the point that I don’t touch him in bed for fear of rejection , but I love him and the kids and what’s a girl to do !
I get that hes tired but everyones tired and we all have needs and its hardly a sacrifice... its meant to be fun and enjoyable and the fact he 'cant be bothered' says more about him I think.Thank you !
We do talk a lot about it and he says it’s not that he doesn’t want sex he just can’t be bothered after work for 5 days and the kids atm for the whole weekend ,
That’s since covid and summer holidays am praying it goes back to only having them 1 day at the weekend so we have a day off to ,
last time I told him I was missing affection he said that that’s the way he is but I can’t get out my head that he wasn’t like that at the start ,
am praying for after the summer holidays and at the moment he’s hell bent on getting trips away for us we just don’t have the time off to do it
Not a nice situation to be in at all and no-one wants robotic simply going through the motions sex. I would say you are being perfectly reasonable and its him thats the issue, cant go through life being unhappy and wasting time waiting for something to change that never does.You’re so right! Extremely robotic and devoid of all emotion!! I think he only comes near me if he’s had a drink. He’s under pressure at work but we’ve all got stress. I’ve talked about it so many times and he said he will change...never does. I feel as if I’m being unreasonable or is it that he makes me feel as if I am
I only sleep on take sofa once every 2You shouldnt be sleeping on the sofa, so the kids can get in the bed. He should be sleeping on the sofa. You pay the rent and the mortgage etc, you should be able to sleep in your own bed.It sounds like he would be better off being single so he could just concentrate on the kids. You're really low on his priorities.Are you being used do you think for childcare and help round the home etc? He doesnt sound into you at all sorry.
I feel like am just like you ! This is what we are like a little and income from an abusive background with my ex and I have this thing that I’ve got to have sex so much it’s always a subject that my current oh hates because he doesn’t think it’s bad 1 or times a month , he’s very low in confidence also so hates his body from his years of being put down to in the past ,This thread is so interesting. I worry a lot about whether my sex drive is normal and I’m neurotic about how much sex is enough, and whether a lack of sex means a relationship is doomed.
for context, my previous relationship was very dysfunctional and emotionally/psychologically abusive. It took me a long time after we broke up to even realise this. During the relationship I told myself that as long as we were having sex regularly it meant the relationship was healthy. I know that’s mad, but that’s what I clung to. I think I’d read and heard way too much about the importance of sex in a relationship and became hyper focused on it. As a result, we had sex regularly but I was, unknowingly, being abused.
Anyway, I am now in a really happy relationship. My OH and I can tell each other anything, and we’ve both been in therapy (individually, not as a couple) which has helped us be vulnerable with each other and talk openly.
we have sex probably about once a month these days. The sex is always good and my boyf is very attentive and we have loving sex. We’re very affectionate and intimate at all times, though. For some reason though I am still fixated on the amount of sex we’re having and its making it an issue in my head. I cannot seem to talk about it openly, despite us talking about everything else, as I feel so embarrassed.
I honestly think my abusive ex has rewired my brain in some way. He used to tell me it was my job to “seduce” him and I was never allowed to just outright talk about sex or ask for it - I had to subtly initiate and seduce instead. He also insulted me a lot etc. I think this has just trapped in my brain and I feel ashamed and self conscious about sex.
jesus now I’ve written this all down I realise how much of an issue this is. It’s really sad because I love my current partner so much and there’s no need for me to have this anxiety anymore.
he’s very low in confidence also so hates his body from his years of being put down to in the past ,
Amazing how many people are going through the same dip in body/sexual confidence after lockdown too, as so many of us have put weight on since the beginning of it all. I think confidence does play a huge role in overall sexual happiness and when both parties arent very body confident it can cause you both to instigate sex far less. Then you have this never ending circle of feeling undesireable and unwanted which again lowers your confidence levels and it takes something to break that cycle.When we first got together we only seen each other at weekends mostly due to work and we were at it like rabbits the full weekend
When we moved in together to begin with it was 1-2 times a week. I have quite a high sex drive but he doesn't, really bugs me when people say 'all men are the same' and 'all they think about is sex' someone want to tell my man that? He'll laugh you out the room!
however I've put on a shit load of weight (always been a bit bigger) and I feel horrible and unattractive which I know is all in my head because he tells me it doesn't bother him so I know it's not me but it doesn't help from my end.
Couldn’t agree more and you have made me feel so much better , I felt attacked in a earlier comment not from you , but I do know a lot is him feeling unsure about his body and size and things that’s allAmazing how many people are going through the same dip in body/sexual confidence after lockdown too, as so many of us have put weight on since the beginning of it all. I think confidence does play a huge role in overall sexual happiness and when both parties arent very body confident it can cause you both to instigate sex far less. Then you have this never ending circle of feeling undesireable and unwanted which again lowers your confidence levels and it takes something to break that cycle.
My partner has had the same dip and I asked her when was last time she felt confident in herself in that way and she said it was a couple of years ago before our youngest child was born and she was working for companies reviewing sex toys and lingerie. So I said maybe she should try and rekindle that and boost her confidence a little if that was when she felt the most confident but shes really struggling to get over that confidence hurdle and nothing I say or do is helping that. So I fully understand where everyone is coming from and confidence plays a huge part.
Body confidence is huge factor and something that can be hard to mentally get over for sure. Im glad you're feel better after talking about it, thats half the battle I think.Couldn’t agree more and you have made me feel so much better , I felt attacked in a earlier comment not from you , but I do know a lot is him feeling unsure about his body and size and things that’s all
With my child’s dad we hadn’t had sex since we conceived and we divorced when little one was 15 months... this was due to him not wanting to sleep with me because in his words ‘who’d want sex with a pregnant woman!’ (The lack of sex not the divorce- that was for a lot of other reasons!)
I don’t think he realised the damage he did in saying that, or what he had actually said (if that makes sense)what a horrible thing to say to someone... he should be ashamed.
Comments like that really find a way to burn themselves into your psyche. Happy you have managed to get out of that and you have an understanding partner now.I don’t think he realised the damage he did in saying that, or what he had actually said (if that makes sense)
it was a very toxic relationship towards the end, and I stayed about a year longer than I should of... its taken me being in my new relationship and some of my odd behaviour to my new partner to realise just how much it had messed me up (we were together for 15 years). Lockdown helped me deal with a lot of things mentally and my new partner is very different in every way. He is a long time friend that a relationship formed with post my divorce so understands my oddness and has to remind me that he isn’t like my ex sometimes when I ask permission to do things or justify buying things for my child or myself
Its crazy how our minds almost normalise the behaviour and in a way it does 'rewire' your way of thinking when you are essentially manipulated to think or act a certain way over a length of time.I honestly think my abusive ex has rewired my brain in some way. He used to tell me it was my job to “seduce” him and I was never allowed to just outright talk about sex or ask for it - I had to subtly initiate and seduce instead. He also insulted me a lot etc. I think this has just trapped in my brain and I feel ashamed and self conscious about sex.
So long as you are happy with it and it sounds like you are both getting what you want from sex. Being loving, affectionate and intimate at all times is far better than having scheduled, robotic, going through the motions sex more often.we have sex probably about once a month these days. The sex is always good and my boyf is very attentive and we have loving sex. We’re very affectionate and intimate at all times, though. For some reason though I am still fixated on the amount of sex we’re having and its making it an issue in my head. I cannot seem to talk about it openly, despite us talking about everything else, as I feel so embarrassed.
3 or 4 times a day?!Been together for 5 years and in our mid 20s, at the beginning used to happen 3/4 times a day about 4 days a week, now roughly maybe 2 times a week but went through a period where it didn’t happen for a good few months because I was having health issues down there and it wasn’t fun for me and also had a loss of sex drive - sometimes I can’t be bothered, sometimes he can’t, wouldn’t say there’s any right or wrong or “normal” amount to be having just whatever works for you and your partner and as long as you communicate any wants or needs or worries you have, no two relationships are the same
We were young and at it like rabbits what can I say hahaha3 or 4 times a day?!
Wow what a stud
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