That bench exchange is like an episode of The Undateables
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Why is Helen literally always talking about either shitting or farting? She honesty has less educated conversations than the ones I have with my 5 year old nephew
I feel bad for Fil because of how Helen keeps pestering him for a better answer to her questions. My boyfriend is quite shy around most people and they do the same thing to him. He doesn’t want to expand any further! She asks about living with dogs, he says he really likes it. End of. Maybe it’s not great content and people think Fil is a bit dull, but if she likes him that should be fine. At what point will she just leave him be?
So... She's still going away for Phil's birthday despite getting absolutely crucified in the comments for going to London? She has truly outdone herself.VIDEO SUMMARY:
Vlogmas Day #19 - 21
A little goodbye (for now)
[DESCRIPTION: A catch up and a goodbye.]
Similar dramatic Goodbye title to her last vlog before she went on her Scotland holiday. Nothing says "click me please I'm begging you" than putting GOODBYE in the title.
Starting off in her grandad's blazer and a bucks fizz in her hand because she's well excited for the next few days
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She's already been to see Josie and exchanged gifts. She takes a sip of her drink and yells at the top of her voice "THAT'S SOOOO NICE!!!!"
We're having a recap over the last few days - because she's absolutely tit and can't even do vlogmas properly.
Yesterdays vlog was Friday's vlog. And she says it was a BARREL of laughs.... cut to flashback... wait??? why are we having a flash back?? You put out a bleeping whole video? We don't need to see this shite again
Oh she's putting in the "COG NI ACK" bit in again... because its THAT funny.
She was "in denial" about her hangover all Saturday... She finally admitted it at 1pm "OH WELL!" she shrugs. Im sorry.... what?? In DENIAL about a bleeping hangover???
She woke up to these messages from Danni-Howard-Baby!
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And she pissed herself laughing.
Vlogmas is over for Helga for now, after this one there isn't going to be anymore videos for the next 4 days (yay!)
Here comes a recap before the festivities start:
Saturday we flash back to her wrapping up some dog toys and writing cards.
Now she's off out (surprise, surprise) because "We needed to get out.... so we gone to Waitrose" she laughs and sticks up a peace sign with her sausage fingers
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Cut to home now, she had a nice time driving around, they even got logs for the fire. Goes on about being able to get rare nice things in Waitrose and that's why it's such a "treat" to go and every time she goes she HAS to get the Pecan Butterscotch Yum Yum.
She's unloading the "PAN CHETTA" and "CHORE REE ZO" some ice cream "SAWL TED CAROL MEL CART DOOR" which she's going to stick in the old freezer (she's smart)
(omg her voice is so grating, she sounds like Del Boy trying to be posh)
"NORMAL BREAD, TOM MART TOES, MACCA ROONEY"
She picks up a bottle and tries to show it to the camera, but the camera is still in denial about it's hangover and still can't bleeping focus.
She picks up a packet of "them fings dat Fil lykes" - again can't see cos of the auto focus.
"CHEEZUS FOR US MEEEESES"
and finally some "MINCED MEAT COZ I GUNNA MAKE SUM FESTIV FINGS"
Cut to the living room
"I FINK IM GUNNA MAKE THE FESTIVE MEENCED MEAT FINGS TAMORRO" Fil lets out a "yeah?" as Helga flops herself on the couch and wraps up in a couch duvet because she's ready for her "DISCO NAP".
She whines "OI DIANE GERROFT"
She lays down for her nap, and checks to see if her mic is in the right position - please don't let us hear her snoring, we're hearing her grunt and groan and gulp and breathing heavily as she rolls into the 'just right for a disco nap' position.
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She debates whether to get changed later "I DO WANT TO LOOK A BIT NICER... AND WE'RE GOING OUT" ...going out again today... what a surprise.
She breathes really heavily.
Grandad Fil reminds her that she'll be outside so make sure to wear a coat dear.
Cut to a shot of her burgers and chips apparently she went to a roof top bar but we're not going to see any footage of that - we all know why we don't see any footage of her outings any more (she's a ruleeee breaker)
"YOU CAN GO THERE AND MEET PEOPLE."
Sunday morning was a lazy one. She watched the final episode of the Mandalorian
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"COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!!!"
And now we get a flash back.
She's got the camera set up in the hallway, and she's calling Diane to come to her, but Dee's ignoring her until Helen annoyingly repeats her name over and over and over and over and over again - Dee goes up to her then runs away just as Helen's ham fists try and grab her.
"WHY DO THEY DO THAT???" maybe it's because you shut them in the tiny utility room all bleeping day Helen.
"LOLA. COME HERE" She demands the angel child to obay her. Lola walks off out of shot of the camera and far away from Helga.
"DEEDEE! LOLA! LOLA! LOLA! DEEDEE? ONE OF YOU COME HERE." They've both legged it now.
They finally come back in when Fil comes along. And she gets them ready for a walk.
Cut to this shot of them looking like they've been out drinking all night and slept on that bench.
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"FIL, I ASKED THIS QUESTION TO DANNI ON FRIDAY..." oh god we're getting an interview now, "BUT IF ERRMM... MONEY AND SCIENCE WEREN'T AN ISSUE, WOT WOULD YOU HAVE FOR CHRISTMAS?"
...wut? Science??
"YEAH LIKE THERE WOZ NO FING AS MONEY OR SCIENCE, SO YOU CAN AV ANYFINK...... LIKE, I SAID........... I'D AV A DRAGON"
"So you can have fantasy stuff?"
"YEAH YEAH ANYFINK, SCIENCE DOESNT"
That's not bleeping science, that's fictional you dumb nut.
Fil says he wants a time machine, probably to go the time when it was Helgaless.
"A TIME MACHINE? WOT WOOD YOU DOOO?"
"errrr, like, back in time coz I like old stuff" Fil says, sounding like a 6 year old child.
Helen laughs "HAHAHAHA THAT'S A REALLY GOOD ONE!"
"See how, see wot fings were like"
"YEAH?"
"Or go forward in time and see wot fings are like"
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"YEAH OKAY. YOU COULD GO FORWARD IN TIME N SEE WOT THE EUROMILLIONS NUMBERS WERE"
"yeah..... that's true" says Fil, "I'd be one of those, I'd go back in time and erm...... wiv a mobile fone - or like sumfik of the future - n be one of those weird people in all the conspiracy fotos where people are like 'the time machine's do exist because look at this foto of tha man, he's wearin a tombola hat that was only made from 1940 but it's 1912!!!"
Aim high Fil, don't wish to be able to stop Hitler or warn people about Corona - you wear that 1940s hat and pose for that 1912s picture.
.................................................... what even is this conversation right now????
Helen lets out a quick woodpecker laugh, while Fil demonstrates just how he'd pose for this picture
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"I'd be like 'heyyyyy!'"
"THAT MAN'S GOT AN IPHONE 12!" Laughs Helga. "I'D GET A DRAGON EGG N I'D 'ATCH IT N BEEEE THE MUVA OF DRAGONS"
"Just one egg?"
"JUST ONE EGG, I ONLY NEED ONE DRAGON..... BECAUSE.... THERE'S NO.... THREAT FROM REALLY ANY OVA KINGDOMS N IM ALSO NOT TRYIN TA..... IT'S NOT GAME OF FRONES" .... funny it sounds like Game of Thrones.....
"BUT AVIN A DRAGON WOULD STILL BE KEWL. YOU WOULDN'T... I REALLY I DON'T REALLY KNOW WOT I WOULD DOO WIV IT THOUGH.... I COULD RIDE AROUND ON ITS BACK N FLY PLACES..... I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GET A PLANE ANYMORE...."
"would your dragon be able to breathe fire?"
(OH MY GOD)
"OH YEAH!!!!!"
"where would you keep it?" asks Fil.
"IN DER GARDEN"
Fil finds that highly amusing. "How would you clean up it's poo? There'd be BIG poos"
"Well I wouldn't poo in the garden, it would fly to.... "
"somewhere else?"
"SUMWHERE ELSE TO POO. OH LOOK A BASSET HOUND DERR DERRRR!!!!!" Helga gets distracted from Dragon shits. "PLEASE CAN I GET A BASSET HOUND?" she begs Fil.
She then says "YOU KNOW YOU NEVER LIVED WITH DOGS BEFORE?" I think Fil's fully aware of that Helga.
"HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW YOU LIVE WITH ME....?"
".....I AND NOW YOU LIVE WITH DOGS"
"I really like it" replies Fil
"HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL?"
"I really like it" repeats Fil
"YEAH?"
"Yeah."
"WOT WOT WOT ARE THE BENEFITS OF LIVIN WIV A DOG?" Diane barks, "ERRRRR DIANE!!!!!!!!" Yells Helga in the neck mic
"Errrm... they're just nice aren't they? They're just.... nice to av around"
"AND, HOW YOU NO FIL, YOU NO FIL LONELY WIV A DOG AROUND I DONT FINK... WELL I MEAN I DO..... BUT YOU DON'T AT THE SAME TIME"
This conversation right noooooow guys..... I just can't.
"DER 'OUSE WOZ 'ORRIBLE WEN DER NOT ERE LIKE IF I AV TA DROP EM OFF SUM WHERE TO BE LOOKED AFTA FOR DER NITE B4 GOIN AWAY I ATE IT"
"YOU DON'T REALIZE HOW OFTEN YOU LOOK FOR DEM WHEN THEY'RE IN DA 'OUSE LIKE YOU KNOW WHERE THEY'RE GUNNA BE" Yeah.... locked in the utility room
"LIKE SAY FOR EXAMPLE WHEN YOU GO TO THE TOILET..." oH mY goD
"....AND YOU JUST POP YER HEAD N SEE DEM IN DER BED.... LIKE WHEN THEY'RE NOT IN DA 'OUSE...." She starts digging a finger in her ear,
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"YOU NOTICE, THEM, LIKE NOT BEIN IN ALL DER NOOKS N CRANNIES WHERE THEY NORMALLY 'ANG OUT"
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She flicks the ear gold out into the wind.
FINALLY this conversation segment is over!!! Helga suggests they keep going on their walk, and the dogs start aggressively barking and run towards something behind the camera "OI! OI! OI!" yells Helga super high pitched as the transition to a new scene happens.
Back home now and she's making some lunch. She's getting the ingredients out (including a "coregey ett")
She's planning on cooking some mince pie "things" this afternoon as she's having Josie and her boyfriend popping over later (in the garden)
"cos you can meet people outside and that includes the garden! WHICH IS KEWL!"
Kirby Egg enters the room and Jelly Belly excitedly shows him what's in the bag of TREAAAAATS
She pulls out the box of roses, then rummages around and screams into Fil's and our ears "LOOK WOT I FOUND!!!!!!!!" Fil put his hand up to his ear
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"SORRY SORRY SORRY!" she apologises, too late Jelly Belly, your boyfriend is now deaf because you found a bleeping TWIX bar.
On to the next thing - she got Fil two packets Jammie Dodgers
"No savory snacks?" says Fil, with such disappointment,
"...........I GOT...NO... NO. WOZ I SUPPOSED TO?"
"Well I like savory snacks...so...."
"OH. SORRY.... I WOZ IN CHOCOLATE MODE"
"I'm not complaining" says Fil, clearly complaining.
She's got Mint Chocolates for Christmas Day (I hope those were on the Spreadsheet Helga!!!)
More Terry's chocolate oranges because she's eaten them all.
A packet of After Eights "BECAUSE THEY WERE IN A PACKET!!!!"
"you literally went to town" smiles Kirby Egg, delighted with his score
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Toblerones and milka come out
"OH I DID GO A BIT MAD DIDN'T I? SHITTTTTT!"
"You went bloody mental"
She keeps pulling out After Eights and Twix bars
"I I I I JUST GOT LOADS OF THESE, COZ.... I JUST DUNNO"
Her thinking was "what else are we going to do at Christmas? and we loooove chocolate. It will just bring us sooo much joy"
Wow... she has a major ED vibes here, this is sad to watch her making all these excuses and constantly feel like she needs to treat herself with food to make her feel better.....
Cut to her continuing to make the sandwich that we had all forgotten about after that shocking haul.
She's now making fancy mac and cheese with leek and onion and "chetta" in it. She's also going to be topping it all with Parmesan and chorizo
Maybe THIS should have been her "honest" what I eat in a day video...
She goes back to interviewing Fil about what his fav xmas song is. Fil doesn't know. Helen is going to tell us hers, but gets interrupted by chef Fil talking about his white sauce he's making.
Fil says if this doesn't go to plan, he'll be going to the corner shop. So potentially another trip out. Nice.
Cut to later. She's shoving the cooked mac n cheese in the microwave because it's too warm for the fridge.... (I dont think she knows what microwaves are for....)
Now onto the "mincemeat parcel things" She's telling us what she's doing by saying "I'm doing this, like that, so that, is like this, duck... no... tit.... is that right? Like that. I could put that on like this. Oh tit tit crappy tit head" I pray she NEVER gets her own cooking series.... duck me.
We can't see what she's doing because her giant fist is in the way
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and now she's pouring loads of sugar on them to make them a bit sweeter
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Cut to later and they're all burnt
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Montage of her dishing up the Mac and Cheese for her, Fil, Josie and Ross
And of course we don't see any footage of that. We're back to present day Helen telling us how Josie and Ross came in to the garden and how they walked by the side of the house to get in (honest guv!)
She got to see them for a couple of hours and they excitedly exchanged gifts, it was soooooo nice, and she's glad that she can still see people in 'some kind of nature'.
Here we go.
Her heart REALLY goes out to all the people who have been affected this year - especailly by last min change of plans / 'rules'.
She says it's ok to be sad about it (thank you for your permission Helga)
"there will be POSITIVES out of this. And one of the main things being is hopefully gettin through this QUICKER. Uhm. And SAVING LIVES. So yeah, we gotta think about the positives" ....clearly you aren't thinking about the positives Helga, there's so, soooo many tested positives, but that doesn't seem to make you want to stop going out and stay home to save lives. "by all means, feel upset, feel annoyed, feel disappointed, because it IS time to see friends and family and...."
oh we've jump cut that speech.... now it's later........and she's off out to town again. Because she needs some last minute stocking fillers and needs to get some stuff to give to Ellie so she can make Fil's birthday cake.
"wont be long" she claims "in and out. Quick quick quick"
Shows herself walking around town awwwwing at everything Christmassy and how much she loves her town
Now she's back home
(funny she never showed herself going out for dinner with BEN and his fiance)
She's got a present for her PT as she's going there tomorrow.
She got soooo much stuff from the shop, there's no way this was a quick in and out shop like she claimed
She complains about her camera not focusing on her and fiddles her neck mic
She's going to drop off Ellie and Cooper's gifts tomorrow and she's sooo excited
Back to current Helen saying she's not going to upload for the next 4 days as it's going to be a crazy exciting time for her with going away for Fil's bday and then Christmas, and she doesn't want to upload and read through comments
Next vlog is on the 27th and it's going to be a super long one. Yay.
I keep thinking.... of ALL the conversations they have.... THAT was the one to edit into a video??
Yeah that was my first thought! How the hell can she justify going away now? She truly does not give a tit.
Unless by "going away" she's booked somewhere in her local area? If she's Tier 2 that's still allowed although definitely not advisable...
Yeah I can't believe she's still going away, she probably thinks birthdays are essential 
Honestly I hope the whole country is locked down and she has to stay where the duck she is. Selfish bleep.
After reading the summary I’m glad my husband came home and I turned it off after the first dragon comment 
What she reminds me of is (and Dolly Alderton explains it really well in Everything I know about love) when you’re younger and figuring out who you are and your personality is literally “being drunk and loud”. You can get away with it because everyone wants to have a good time drinking when you’re younger, but the older you get and everyone grows up and has other interests and has rounded out as a person. It becomes desperate because she wants to prove she’s still the same “fun” person that brought everyone together back in the day that people loved on a night out... but she’s clinging onto it with such desperation it’s quite sad to watch.
I wonder how she’s going to get away with going away when I’m 90% sure the advice now for every tier is don’t travel outside your local area.
I wonder how she’s going to get away with going away when I’m 90% sure the advice now for every tier is don’t travel outside your local area.
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That's all I can think about, she will probably make out its local but we all know it wont be.
Of course she got her nails done today, just in time for her Christmas and New Year's celebrations
For fucks sake, can this woman not stay inside her house for five bleeping minutes?View attachment 357030
Of course she got her nails done today, just in time for her Christmas and New Year's celebrations
But these are going to tie her over guysssss!
Couldn't have possibly used any of those gifted press on nails that she was advertising on her IG earlier today She's probably saving those for a full lock down
Couldn't have possibly used any of those gifted press on nails that she was advertising on her IG earlier today
She's probably saving those for a full lock down 
Swear to god some people do more during a week during a pandemic than they ever did before. Of all times to be a lazy slob for a bit now is the time
Funny how she never films being with her mates and going out to town now 
Doing something we're not supposed to are we Helen?
Doing something we're not supposed to are we Helen? She replied to me. Why even bother going away then? Surely that’s just as senseless.
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I hate to say this as someone who’s from Norwich but I honestly want a lockdown to stop all the bleeping idiots in this city from swanning about like there isn’t a bleeping pandemic happening?
Imma need to see evidence before I take her word on anything.
But also, of it is local why didn't she say that in the first place? She's been harping on about taking him away for a magical birthday surprise, if it's only down the road then just bleeping stay at home!
Edit: sorry double posted screen shot above
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