Heartbreak.

[Imonlyme]

I do understand what everyone’s saying and not everyone would have done it the way I did and that’s okay. Yeah I was still in shock it shattered my whole life and maybe he did come back to quickly but it seemed the right thing to do at the time, the house is in both our names but I have family that would help me with another deposit/fees to rent again so I always have the option of moving on elsewhere. I have made myself very clear to him that if anything however small happens again that’s it we’re done. I mentioned yesterday to him maybe we should divorce because he shat all over our wedding vows. I’m not the pushover people may think I am. It’s so painful when the one person you’d go to for everything is the one causing your pain it’s confusing. He knows he’s on thin ice with me and I won’t tolerate anything else x

By the way, just to clarify I don't think you're a pushover. I think you're a woman who has been betrayed and hurt and put in an awful position. You made your wedding vows and meant them to be for life. He sadly, didn't do the same.

I'm glad you have a supportive family who are willing to help if needed. I understand what you mean about the pain of the one person you turn to being the one to cause you so much hurt. I've been there. My ex didn't cheat, but he did do something utterly betraying to me back in 2014. I remember that day like it was yesterday and that awful feeling like you've been emotionally kicked in the gut is absolutely excruciating and horrible to process.

About him coming back too soon. I understand why you made that decision with such haste. You wouldn't have been in your right mind at that particular time. First would have been the shock of finding out about the affair, then him being gone from the family home for that week. While im in no doubt you would have missed him while he was gone, you probably also felt confused and torn while beating yourself up for missing him after what he done. Your family, and the life you thought you had was blown to pieces in a matter of minutes and that alone would be hard to process.

I really do think you owe yourself some time apart to really come to grips with it all as the severity of the situation and betrayal is probably only really beginning to sink in now. Be kind to yourself and when in doubt, always think about it as if it's your best friend going through it. Think about what you would tell her. It might sound silly, but talking out loud to yourself in third person sometimes can actually help your mind to process information better and faster and give you more confidence.

 

[bodycheckedout]

I was trying to keep things as normal as possible for my young child x

the way you let yourself be treated sets the tone for how your child will allow themselves to be treated and treat others. my mom never left my dad and I regret it because there is no baseline for a good relationship in my eyes. If you can't do it for yourself because of love and other real-life complications that make you feel like it's not worth it - consider doing it for your child. Regardless of how your partner is as a parent, they are equally obligated to be a good partner so that your child has the best surroundings to help them grow into a self-respecting and confident adult.

 

[Imonlyme]

the way you let yourself be treated sets the tone for how your child will allow themselves to be treated and treat others. my mom never left my dad and I regret it because there is no baseline for a good relationship in my eyes. If you can't do it for yourself because of love and other real-life complications that make you feel like it's not worth it - consider doing it for your child. Regardless of how your partner is as a parent, they are equally obligated to be a good partner so that your child has the best surroundings to help them grow into a self-respecting and confident adult.

Agree with this. I grew up watching a very complicated and toxic relationship between my parents and while it's easy to say that we won't end up like our mothers, staying in bad relationships, inevitably a lot of us do.

What we grow up seeing affects us one way or another. As a teenager, watching my mother go through tit constantly was so hard on me and I swore I would never allow a man to hurt me they way she had been hurt. But I ended up in a seriously toxic and physically abusive relationship at 22. It was horrendous and caused me to have up to 12 panic attacks a day that would sometimes last for hours at a time. I tried to leave many times and was coerced and shamed by his family into taking him back time and time again. We had a child together and he would often threaten to kidnap her and run off abroad with her so I couldn't get her back. (He had family abroad so this was completely plausible - and they would and did try to help him do something like this once)

I eventually got help for my panic attacks and finally found the strength and courage to leave him for good. I wound up with PTSD relating to that relationship but didn't know it at the time.

A few years later I met a guy I thought was "the one" he was everything I thought I was looking for. He turned out to be a complete hole who mentally and emotionally abused me. My poor kids watched me go through hell. I tried to hide it from them, but kids have a way of picking up on these things. That relationship contributed and triggered my PTSD to which I'm still healing from 7 years later.

I prayed that the cycle of toxic bad relationships ended with me, but it didn't. My oldest daughter (in her early 20's) ended up in a toxic relationship for a few years. I noticed the signs in her straight away having been through it myself. I tried to gently talk to her about it but she denied everything and said their relationship was fine. Even snapped at me a few times when I would check if she was okay. But during the lockdowns last year it became harder for her to hide the tit her boyfriend was putting her through. They couldn't see each other and he was horrible to her and gave cruel ultimatum after ultimatum to her that ended up causing a lot of chaos in our house. Eventually, the boy dumped my daughter and she was heartbroken and even blamed me. But I could see through it all. That it was just a game to him to get his way.

Thankfully, my daughter eventually stopped giving into his cruel games and finally opened up to me about their entire relationship and how he had treated her and it absolutely crushed me. I felt like it was somehow my fault because I had never shown her what a healthy relationship is all about. I hadn't shown her with my actions all the tit you shouldn't accept when part of a couple. I didn't properly teach her to know the true value of her own worth. I've always casually talked to my daughters about red flags when dating, but now it's a constant conversation in my house. I make sure my girls know to hit the road the very moment a guy shows them who he really is. I drum it into them now that instead of 3 strikes and you're out. It's no strikes.

Sorry for such a long post I just feel like more women need to see and completely know and respect their own self worth. Never ever put aside your morals or gut instinct to appease a man or a woman for that matter, because I know some women can be just as bad when it comes to toxic behaviour. Women need to speak up more when they see crappy behaviour within their own relationships and those of others because sometimes a woman can be in a toxic situation without even realising it. We need to break the cycle once and for all of women just sitting back and accepting whatever tit a man offers. It's 2021 and time for a change in what we women are willing to accept when it comes to relationships. It's time for us to get the respect we all deserve.

Okay, rant over. Sorry.

 

[bodycheckedout]

Agree with this. I grew up watching a very complicated and toxic relationship between my parents and while it's easy to say that we won't end up like our mothers, staying in bad relationships, inevitably a lot of us do.

What we grow up seeing affects us one way or another. As a teenager, watching my mother go through tit constantly was so hard on me and I swore I would never allow a man to hurt me they way she had been hurt. But I ended up in a seriously toxic and physically abusive relationship at 22. It was horrendous and caused me to have up to 12 panic attacks a day that would sometimes last for hours at a time. I tried to leave many times and was coerced and shamed by his family into taking him back time and time again. We had a child together and he would often threaten to kidnap her and run off abroad with her so I couldn't get her back. (He had family abroad so this was completely plausible - and they would and did try to help him do something like this once)

I eventually got help for my panic attacks and finally found the strength and courage to leave him for good. I wound up with PTSD relating to that relationship but didn't know it at the time.

A few years later I met a guy I thought was "the one" he was everything I thought I was looking for. He turned out to be a complete hole who mentally and emotionally abused me. My poor kids watched me go through hell. I tried to hide it from them, but kids have a way of picking up on these things. That relationship contributed and triggered my PTSD to which I'm still healing from 7 years later.

I prayed that the cycle of toxic bad relationships ended with me, but it didn't. My oldest daughter (in her early 20's) ended up in a toxic relationship for a few years. I noticed the signs in her straight away having been through it myself. I tried to gently talk to her about it but she denied everything and said their relationship was fine. Even snapped at me a few times when I would check if she was okay. But during the lockdowns last year it became harder for her to hide the tit her boyfriend was putting her through. They couldn't see each other and he was horrible to her and gave cruel ultimatum after ultimatum to her that ended up causing a lot of chaos in our house. Eventually, the boy dumped my daughter and she was heartbroken and even blamed me. But I could see through it all. That it was just a game to him to get his way.

Thankfully, my daughter eventually stopped giving into his cruel games and finally opened up to me about their entire relationship and how he had treated her and it absolutely crushed me. I felt like it was somehow my fault because I had never shown her what a healthy relationship is all about. I hadn't shown her with my actions all the tit you shouldn't accept when part of a couple. I didn't properly teach her to know the true value of her own worth. I've always casually talked to my daughters about red flags when dating, but now it's a constant conversation in my house. I make sure my girls know to hit the road the very moment a guy shows them who he really is. I drum it into them now that instead of 3 strikes and you're out. It's no strikes.

Sorry for such a long post I just feel like more women need to see and completely know and respect their own self worth. Never ever put aside your morals or gut instinct to appease a man or a woman for that matter, because I know some women can be just as bad when it comes to toxic behaviour. Women need to speak up more when they see crappy behaviour within their own relationships and those of others because sometimes a woman can be in a toxic situation without even realising it. We need to break the cycle once and for all of women just sitting back and accepting whatever tit a man offers. It's 2021 and time for a change in what we women are willing to accept when it comes to relationships. It's time for us to get the respect we all deserve.

Okay, rant over. Sorry.

Echoing everything you said. I read through this entire topic and I notice a pattern of lack of self-respect. I understand I don't know any of your relationships and situations (especially when the topic is marriage), but a lot of times we put up with things because of love and time and the existing connection. Often you will hear "everything was perfect besides this!" but was it? Or was it just what you knew to be good or common? The time you put in the relationship isn't wasted, it starts being wasted the moment you end your grieving and begin holding out for someone not willing to hold out on leaving you and communicate what they feel first. You would never put someone else through that, especially someone you care about, so why are you willing to do it to yourself?

No matter how much you love your partner, love yourself more.

 

[Imonlyme]

Echoing everything you said. I read through this entire topic and I notice a pattern of lack of self-respect. I understand I don't know any of your relationships and situations (especially when the topic is marriage), but a lot of times we put up with things because of love and time and the existing connection. Often you will hear "everything was perfect besides this!" but was it? Or was it just what you knew to be good or common? The time you put in the relationship isn't wasted, it starts being wasted the moment you end your grieving and begin holding out for someone not willing to hold out on leaving you and communicate what they feel first. You would never put someone else through that, especially someone you care about, so why are you willing to do it to yourself?

No matter how much you love your partner, love yourself more.

Love this so much!

When people say "oh, but everything was perfect besides this" I just think, sure it was. First off, no relationship is perfect because perfection doesn't exist. We are human and humans have flaws and we make mistakes, but there's just some mistakes that should not be forgiven or glossed over. I've said it before, but people don't just up and leave a relationship for no reason if everything is so perfect.

Obviously, every relationship is different and people reserve the right to make their own rules and shouldn't be forced to stick to tradition. But in every relationship, no matter how old or how new, wether married or just co-habiting, there should be trust, respect, support and loyalty. If even one of those things are missing then I'm sorry, but the relationship is ultimately doomed and you need to head for the door and fast.

A relationship simply cannot survive without those foundations.

 

[no-no]

I had suspicions my ex was getting close with someone at work. He denied it and I caught her video calling his iPad (that was a gift from me). She was a twit about it as well “wE r FriEnDs hUn”. Just seen he’s planning a getaway with her and feel sick. I had no intention of getting back with him and know I’m well rid but it still hurts and I’ve been burying it until now. I regret wasting so many years with him. She can enjoy the love bombing sloppy seconds, it won’t last. Plus she has kids and he couldn’t cope with my pet so she’s in for a shock. He keeps messaging me despite being all loved up with her but I ignore. Even recently he was including my street on his running route. He is one man who will never, ever change. Just needed to vent

 

[Imonlyme]

I had suspicions my ex was getting close with someone at work. He denied it and I caught her video calling his iPad (that was a gift from me). She was a twit about it as well “wE r FriEnDs hUn”. Just seen he’s planning a getaway with her and feel sick. I had no intention of getting back with him and know I’m well rid but it still hurts and I’ve been burying it until now. I regret wasting so many years with him. She can enjoy the love bombing sloppy seconds, it won’t last. Plus she has kids and he couldn’t cope with my pet so she’s in for a shock. He keeps messaging me despite being all loved up with her but I ignore. Even recently he was including my street on his running route. He is one man who will never, ever change. Just needed to vent

Sending you love . You're right, you are better off away from him. Stay strong and know you deserve so much more. X

 

[no-no]

Sending you love . You're right, you are better off away from him. Stay strong and know you deserve so much more. X

Thank you Just feeling a bit bereft. I knew all along and got rid of him because of her but who knows how long it was going on and the nerve of them. All normal feelings that time will heal but I’ll allow myself to mope for a bit now it’s hit me x

 

[Lovegin]

I hate the fact that this thread was started for support and now it’s ending up with women piling onto another woman because she doesn’t fit in with how others would deal with things, all you are doing is helping isolate someone who maybe needs some place to vent,

I don’t care if he’s had an affair or whatever, it’s her marriage , if she wants him back that’s her business not anybody else’s

 

[Columbo]

I hate the fact that this thread was started for support and now it’s ending up with women piling onto another woman because she doesn’t fit in with how others would deal with things, all you are doing is helping isolate someone who maybe needs some place to vent,

I don’t care if he’s had an affair or whatever, it’s her marriage , if she wants him back that’s her business not anybody else’s

Couldn't agree more. People are posting here for support not to be humiliated and belittled all over again. I do think everyone's intentions are good but there's a way of making your point and still being sensitive to a person's situation. You'd have to be a very strong person to close the door on a marriage and never look back no matter what the other person has done wrong. It's not as easy as that.

 

[Purrrrrrr]

The advice started out as very good, tough love and all that. ( I'm of the older generation and been through a ton of tit and wish I had my older self advising me back then with some tough love) but then it slid into something unsavoury and abusive to someone already vulnerable.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

The advice started out as very good, tough love and all that. ( I'm of the older generation and been through a ton of tit and wish I had my older self advising me back then with some tough love) but then it slid into something unsavoury and abusive to someone already vulnerable.

Where has anyone on this thread been either unsavoury or abusive in their comments? I can’t see anything of the sort....?

 

[TheOpposite]

I think that the problem with ’heartbreak’ is that its survivors - especially when cheating turns out to be the reason the relationship ended - want to share their experiences and make sure no one makes the same mistakes they did. Take off those rose tinted glasses - end the relationship or begin rebuilding it. Being in limbo - will we get back together or won’t we - is where all the pain comes from.

But everyone follows their own path. You need to learn from the experience to ensure history doesn’t repeat itself. It’s a bumpy road but ultimately I believe this thread can be helpful if we remember that everyone has an opinion and you don’t have to agree with it.

 

[Imonlyme]

Where has anyone on this thread been either unsavoury or abusive in their comments? I can’t see anything of the sort....?

I feel like the last few comments on here at aimed at me and you.
I have not been abusive to anyone on this thread, neither have I said anything unsavoury.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I feel like the last few comments on here at aimed at me and you.
I have not been abusive to anyone on this thread, neither have I said anything unsavoury.

 

[LateG0ssiper]

I started reading this thread last night and just thought I’d add my two cents in, @LateG0ssiper i notice you don’t like/react or reply to any comments regarding your situation which probably means you want to ignore what’s really happening with your husband but makes me think of my parents.
My dad walked out on my mum nearly 4 years ago with absolutely no reason or signs it was coming just packed a bag and left, didn’t say he wanted a divorce and told me and everyone else he just needed some space. He moved in with his best mate (divorced, lives alone) and completely cut all contact with my mum and told me he was depressed and needed some time alone, the whole time my mum cried to anyone she spoke to that she ‘needed him’ and ‘can’t throw 20+ years of marriage away’ and ‘mabye he’s just going through something and will come back’. 8 months down the line it came out that he had been having an affair on and off for years, no-one knew, not even my dads best mate he was living with! And the worst part of it all my mum wouldn’t accept it, it was a ‘midlife crisis’ and she would have gladly taken him back, I felt so bad for her but also found it really embarrassing she wouldn’t accept it was over. In the end she reluctantly filed for divorce (he never did, dragged his feet the whole time!) and she nearly called it off numerous times because she was so sure he would come back and it would be a ‘blip’ in the marriage. Now fast forward a few years my dad is still with the woman and my mum is on her own, finally accepts that the marriage is completely over and is doing a lot better and doing things for herself, it really was awful seeing her desperately trying to cling onto the marriage and make excuse and excuse for him and losing all her self respect and confidence.
I’m just saying don’t hold out for this happy ending that may never happen because you’ve been with him so many years, if he was to ask you for a divorce would you accept it or would you make excuses for him and try and blame it on lockdown/mental health? If you were to ask for a divorce and he was to agree would you finally accept that the marriage is over? Don't waste months waiting for him to make the first move, that’s what my mum did just because she couldn’t face reality and she wasted nearly a year hoping that it would sort itself out

My reason for not liking/responding to any posts is that my husband ended up taking his own life 3 weeks ago. I felt that I should update everyone as some of you have been so lovely and supportive - special thanks and love to @Eyerollbrainache and @gigi_93 - I hope you are doing better.

Those of you who were quick to be dismissive of the "excuses" I was making about his mental health (you know who you are but I won't name names at this point), I hope that you will take mental health issues more seriously in the future as this is the worst thing I could ever imagine anyone ever going through. I know my husband very well and knew tat something wasn't right with him, as I kept saying. If anyone ever gets that feeling about someone, please step in and try to help however possible.

I'm sure you will all understand that I won't be coming on the site again but I felt that I should thank those who supported me when he left, your words did provide some comfort at the time. My life will never be the same again but I am seeking help to get through this. I wish everyone going through heartbreak well x

 

[EmaE]

My reason for not liking/responding to any posts is that my husband ended up taking his own life 3 weeks ago. I felt that I should update everyone as some of you have been so lovely and supportive - special thanks and love to @Eyerollbrainache and @gigi_93 - I hope you are doing better.

Those of you who were quick to be dismissive of the "excuses" I was making about his mental health (you know who you are but I won't name names at this point), I hope that you will take mental health issues more seriously in the future as this is the worst thing I could ever imagine anyone ever going through. I know my husband very well and knew tat something wasn't right with him, as I kept saying. If anyone ever gets that feeling about someone, please step in and try to help however possible.

I'm sure you will all understand that I won't be coming on the site again but I felt that I should thank those who supported me when he left, your words did provide some comfort at the time. My life will never be the same again but I am seeking help to get through this. I wish everyone going through heartbreak well x

So sorry to hear this , take care of yourself x

 

[Feztive]

My reason for not liking/responding to any posts is that my husband ended up taking his own life 3 weeks ago. I felt that I should update everyone as some of you have been so lovely and supportive - special thanks and love to @Eyerollbrainache and @gigi_93 - I hope you are doing better.

Those of you who were quick to be dismissive of the "excuses" I was making about his mental health (you know who you are but I won't name names at this point), I hope that you will take mental health issues more seriously in the future as this is the worst thing I could ever imagine anyone ever going through. I know my husband very well and knew tat something wasn't right with him, as I kept saying. If anyone ever gets that feeling about someone, please step in and try to help however possible.

I'm sure you will all understand that I won't be coming on the site again but I felt that I should thank those who supported me when he left, your words did provide some comfort at the time. My life will never be the same again but I am seeking help to get through this. I wish everyone going through heartbreak well x

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending hugs to you

 

[Imonlyme]

My reason for not liking/responding to any posts is that my husband ended up taking his own life 3 weeks ago. I felt that I should update everyone as some of you have been so lovely and supportive - special thanks and love to @Eyerollbrainache and @gigi_93 - I hope you are doing better.

Those of you who were quick to be dismissive of the "excuses" I was making about his mental health (you know who you are but I won't name names at this point), I hope that you will take mental health issues more seriously in the future as this is the worst thing I could ever imagine anyone ever going through. I know my husband very well and knew tat something wasn't right with him, as I kept saying. If anyone ever gets that feeling about someone, please step in and try to help however possible.

I'm sure you will all understand that I won't be coming on the site again but I felt that I should thank those who supported me when he left, your words did provide some comfort at the time. My life will never be the same again but I am seeking help to get through this. I wish everyone going through heartbreak well x

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending you lots of love.
I know you think I'm one of those people that thought he was making excuses, but I didn't think he was I just was trying to help you look after yourself.

I honestly can't imagine what you're going through right now. I just hope that you have plenty of support around you right now. You're an amazing woman for just managing to get by so far. Mental health issues should always be taken seriously and I know because I suffer from them too.

Wishing you nothing but love. And I'm truly sorry if anything I said ever made you feel any kind of way. Xxx

 

[bolimepipi]

My reason for not liking/responding to any posts is that my husband ended up taking his own life 3 weeks ago. I felt that I should update everyone as some of you have been so lovely and supportive - special thanks and love to @Eyerollbrainache and @gigi_93 - I hope you are doing better.

Those of you who were quick to be dismissive of the "excuses" I was making about his mental health (you know who you are but I won't name names at this point), I hope that you will take mental health issues more seriously in the future as this is the worst thing I could ever imagine anyone ever going through. I know my husband very well and knew tat something wasn't right with him, as I kept saying. If anyone ever gets that feeling about someone, please step in and try to help however possible.

I'm sure you will all understand that I won't be coming on the site again but I felt that I should thank those who supported me when he left, your words did provide some comfort at the time. My life will never be the same again but I am seeking help to get through this. I wish everyone going through heartbreak well x

i know nothing can really help at this time but i'm sending you lots of hugs and love