Gaslighting

[Peakyblinders]

Thanks everyone I know you are all totally right. Really appreciate your advice!
Interested to hear if anyone else has any stories/experience? Xx

 

[ItsEmmie]

I am 100% being gaslighted by my mother. She uses the fact that she will call important things for me because of my anxiety by saying if I don’t do this, not talk to this person (or if I do it’s hell for me at home) etc etc she will leave me high and dry (not money wise I have a lot more money than her but in terms of helping me with things I struggle with because of anxiety! I pay £500 a month to her to have the pleasure of living this hell and my MH getting worse than it ever was. She tells me I’ve taken stuff, tells me what I think and what I’m texting my brothers (she HATES us as it is but she LOATTTTTHS to see us all get on) and I won’t function without her. I moved home two years ago to help her through a 20 year relationship break up but now she’s ok she’s worse than ever. I can’t escape it either because since I moved back I have got two dogs and it’s hard to find somewhere that accepts dogs. Sorry you’re dealing with it xxx

 

[Peakyblinders]

What a charmer, passing the blame on to you. As if he doesn't have control over his life. What an asshole (him). He seems to be upset that you're moving on, I guess he wants you at home sobbing over him 24/7.

I would block and have no contact with this man ever again. It doesn't matter if he's happy or not, it's not your problem anymore. Thank God.

I promise you'll look back and see this as a lucky escape!

yea definitely! It’s like they can do anything they want but we can’t do anything! Typical haha. Definitely a lucky escape! It’s just mad how quick people move on isn’t it! X

 

[User_name_100]

Yes this is what i thought - Like he was messaging me saying he loves me, misses me, Im his beautiful girl etc and then next thing i know a week and a half he is seeing someone else - I mentioned it and he said he had seen me liking guys pics on instagram and posting selfies of myself (which i always do anyway) so thats why he has gone out and dated someone else. So seems to me he did it out of spite but maybe he is happy cos as far as I know he is still dating her. Although I knew the relationship wasnt right it is still a massive kick in the teeth as I honestly didnt think he would move on so quickly. Deep down I dont think he is happy and I think he has done it to fill a void but who knows. Its just a kick in the teeth though isnt it.

What a charmer, passing the blame on to you. As if he doesn't have control over his life. What an asshole (him). He seems to be upset that you're moving on, I guess he wants you at home sobbing over him 24/7.

I would block and have no contact with this man ever again. It doesn't matter if he's happy or not, it's not your problem anymore. Thank God.

I promise you'll look back and see this as a lucky escape!

 

[Meringue22]

Anyone got any experiences or are currently beinggaslighted by their partner? I definitely am and it is making me believe I am in the wrong all the time/a psycho.

That sounds familiar!!

 

[tskiry56]

I spent 8 years in a relationship with a man who is the father of my child, at the beginning he was lovely, he was working, had his own place. Then the cannabis addiction kicked in whilst I was pregnant. He always had to be right, he has mental health issues and I would spend hours listening to how he was feeling yet after an argument, he'd say I never listen to him when it comes to his mental health. I ended up in debt as he would nag and nag and nag me for money until I'd give in just to stop the nagging. He has taken away who I was as a person, I'm quite withdrawn now, lack confidence, I have anxiety and even when I see a message come up on my phone, it fills me with dread because its usually him playing games. I left him 4 months ago, he sees our child friday to sunday every week. He has always been a great dad with a lot of time for our child but he is always calling me names, blaming me for his mental health, threatening to commit suicide and now that I've left, he tries to blackmail me and manipulate me by using our child as a weapon saying things like 'If you don't do this or that then I won't have him on weekends'. I feel sad that he puts our child in this situation and me because I end up doing the things he asks for so that it doesn't affect our child. Its such a constant battle with him every day. I work a lot of hours because I provide for me and my son myself, his dad doesn't pay a penny towards his keep, never has done even when we were together because 'thats what my child benefit was for' in his words. Im ranting now but honestly, feel lucky that you are not tied to this idiot with a child and that you've been together for quite a short time. Leave him.

I'm so sorry for what you went through and i know how hard it is to leave an abuser! You are definitely right it changes you as a person. It has taken me 3 years to deal with the abuse that happened to me so dont put pressure on yourself.
Have you sort support from womens aid or your gp? You could also speak to the Child maintenance service and get your ex to pay- not that you need to. I went as a principle that my ex should pay.
Your ex blaming you for his mental health issues will long term affect your mental health.

 

[Peakyblinders]

I just came across this, and I know its been a few months old now, but yes. I am in that situation and its pretty damn awful. I feel like I am on the defensive all the time, having to stay one step ahead or pre-empt his unpredicatable reactions. Then he says I'm too defensive, ha! Then there is the lies...omg, if I had loose change for every lie, I really would have enough to leave by now.

What kind of things is he doing? X

Yes it was great before because he love bombed you thats what they do to hook you in give you whats really an artificial high which if you stay with him you will spend the rest of the relationship trying to get back.
Which you will get in dribs and drabs just to keep you sweet but trust me with every high comes a low.
Just like with drugs you are hooked you need supply you will make the demand and he will just pull your strings and control you.
Get out now before its too late otherwise you will live to regret it (i know i've been there and its gradually soul destroying).
So good luck and put it this way its good you have doubts because i fell hook line and sinker you seem more wise you'll be so glad you listened to that inner voice later down the line trust me.

You’re totally right and luckily you will be glad to know he is long gone! And has already found his new victim lol

 

[Peakyblinders]

Tskiry well done on finding the strength to get through what must have been such an awful, traumatic time. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope things are a lot happier for you now.

Peaky - do you have friends you could stay with (if the house you're in is not yours?).

I live on my own he doesn’t live with me. I owe him nothing, everything is mine we’ve only been together for 5 months but his true colours are creeping in and he just bosses me round and makes me out to be a crap person but I know I am not. Yeah I moan and stuff but I’m good to him. He’s not half as bad as some of these stories here he’s just showing a bit of his true colours in terms of the blaming me and stuff x

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

That’s sweet thank you! I’m settled in my house but still in contact with him, mainly because of his manipulation leaving me feeling guilty. He went ahead and bought the house we’d put an offer on together and is going ahead with the renovation we had planned together which is hard, I’m trying to distance myself where possible. Feeling much stronger, getting support and the bonus is he doesn’t know my address so I remain in control! xx

Ah that is so good and I am glad you are now in control. You do not deserve someone like that, constantly messing with your feelings. So glad to hear you are doing well.. xxx

 

[simplelifex]

I think it's easier to write because it's anonymous but definitely as I was writing it out it hit me more that it is not okay. I have really kept it to myself and only recently told someone who has referred me to a domestic abuse service and I'm waiting for them to get in touch.

I know in my heart that I need to leave and I feel guilty almost everyday because I feel like I'm putting myself and my son through so much because I feel stuck in this relationship.

I have no family, mum left when I was younger and dad doesn't really bother much. I feel alot of the reasons I stay are lonlieness and vulnerability.

I mean with this with no disrespect whatsoever as I've also said this to people going through tough relationships and say to them to leave it is much easier said than done.

Dont be sorry this is why i wanted this thread made as I bet there are lots of people in the same situation - this one seems a lot more serious than mine as you have been together so long and a child is involved. I would say get out but its easy for me to say - I am not doing it myself!

He has just messaged me telling me that if i carry on moaning then we should just leave things - thing is i am not moaning i am literally just expressing my opinion which I am not allowed to do.

Of course you are allowed to express your opinion and how you feel, it's so important to and not let it build up into something bigger. There is a huge difference between expressing how you feel and having a moan

 

[Chablis1]

I’m taking a huge step and buying my own house, my relationship with parents isn’t great, something else he’s played on over the years. It’s terrified because I’ve got to make all these decisions I’ve never even considered before now as normally he’s the one who deals with it. I don’t think he believes I’ll leave or that I can manage it all alone. I feel so destroyed by it all but everyone keeps telling me it’ll get easier, I just don’t know how someone can be so cruel. Thank you xx

That’s so good to hear that you’re buying your own place. A very big step in the right direction. Take care and be kind to yourself xx

 

[HideTheHunter]

Anyone got any experiences or are currently beinggaslighted by their partner? I definitely am and it is making me believe I am in the wrong all the time/a psycho.

I just came across this, and I know its been a few months old now, but yes. I am in that situation and its pretty damn awful. I feel like I am on the defensive all the time, having to stay one step ahead or pre-empt his unpredicatable reactions. Then he says I'm too defensive, ha! Then there is the lies...omg, if I had loose change for every lie, I really would have enough to leave by now.

 

[Peakyblinders]

I know how it feels I had to start again at the age of 28 and with a 3 year old.
But I found happiness and I never thought i would. Dont let a boy change you. A man wouldn't treat you like that.

Im 32 this year so. You are definitely right it’s just hard x

 

[Peakyblinders]

This early into a relationship you should still be in the honeymoon period, enjoying spending time with each other. So aside from the gaslighting (which he is definitely doing) that’s reason enough to say this isn’t going to work in the long term and call it a day. I know it’s easier said than done. But please don’t waste any more of your life on this person. I wasted six years and by the end of it was a jumpy anxious mess who had lost all my friends as I was never allowed out. Accused of cheating when he was the one doing it.

It starts off in the ways you have explained and will escalate. You deserve to be happy

Ooh yes definitely I know all about the jumpy anxious mess! Cant believe you went through it for 6 years how sad! I am glad you are out of that now and happy

 

[Peakyblinders]

Sorry to hear all your stories. I hope you all find happiness and peace!

i just don’t know what to do with myself, we’ve been arguing for 8 days straight now because he won’t take accountability for anything, he came round tonight to talk things through and it ended with him storming out (as usual) and me having to ring him. And shock, he said that he’s been “nothing but nice” since he came and I’ve just been a bitch. Which isn’t true I’ve just called him out on his behaviour. Now he’s ignoring my messages. It’s a never ending cycle but it’s really hard to get out of because I love him. X

 

[tskiry56]

Yes guys i have ended it

Great advice from everyone and good to know I am not alone and there is nothing wrong with me haha.

Well done @Peakyblinders I hope he understands and leaves you at peace with your decision

 

[tskiry56]

Thank you. It's been a tough road and its still going on now that I've left. There would be no point in going to the CMS because he claims universal credit so I'd barely get anything so I'll keep working and holding my head up high that I'm providing for him. Before meeting him, I was very secure, had no mental health issues and now my anxiety is sky high some days and I go in to a depression at times. I spoke to womens aid who gave me some tips on how to keep things under my control but it is just so so difficult. Like tonight, he's been txting me saying he's going to commit suicide and its taken all my strength to not go looking for him. He and his choices are not my responsibility. I hope you're feeling better in yourself now and thank you for the message x

Be proud of yourself knowing that you dont rely on him. He sounds just like my ex was with the continued threats- its emotional abuse. Can you not cut all contact with him and have someone else deal with him seeing your child.
It's really no surprise to have anxiety when you are treated the way you are.
Put you and your child first.

 

[no-no]

So she'd often tell me that the things that happened in my childhood didn't happen. She'd often lie to get me to do or say things that she wanted. She'd make me chase a lot for her love/attention/approval so that when it came to it she could make me say things to her friends about my dad by twisting the story knowing that she'd give me loads of love and attention afterwards for saying the right thing. Does that make sense? She told me once that the man who was abusing me (I was a small child) wasn't an abuser and that if he was she wouldn't be in a relationship with him. My biggest issue (personally) is the lies. If I didn't want to go somewhere she'd say that they'd accommodated for me specifically and then I'd get there and there'd be no food I liked after she'd told me all that.

I think when you grow with that you seek it in relationships because it's what you're used to. Thankfully I went the opposite way and now I'm really hard to manipulate because I have a good gut instinct and won't tolerate any shit as soon as it starts.

Thank you for sharing And sorry to hear you went through that. It definitely makes sense (I have grown up with similar). Good to hear you’re able to spot it now It’s too easy to get blindsided by these individuals.

Hope you’re doing okay @Peakyblinders

 

[laughing]

Back again. Jesus. Cop on to yourself.

Block him on everything.

 

[birdiefly246]

Yes guys i have ended it

Great advice from everyone and good to know I am not alone and there is nothing wrong with me haha.

Well done to you cause that takes real strength! block him on everything and go enjoy your life!