Gaslighting

[panda_eyes]

It definitely is easier to tell someone to leave. I know how much strength it takes to leave and I know I never would of had I not gone to work with blood pouring down my head. This resulted in safeguarding, social services and then the police getting involved.
Even then I was cracking under the emotional abuse he was laying on me.
Telling me people would hate me, it was my fault etc and that I was then the reason he self harmed.
It took so much from me and a hell of a long time to recover from it emotionally. I still look in the mirror and see what he did to me and with that I can still hear the sound of my head cracking open and his words " oh my god what have I done to your head"
I always felt like I didnt want to burden anyone with how I felt but there is ways out.
I hope you get the support you need for yourself and your son.

Tskiry well done on finding the strength to get through what must have been such an awful, traumatic time. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope things are a lot happier for you now.

Peaky - do you have friends you could stay with (if the house you're in is not yours?).

 

[tskiry56]

Don’t mind being on my own just sick of starting again.

I know how it feels I had to start again at the age of 28 and with a 3 year old.
But I found happiness and I never thought i would. Dont let a boy change you. A man wouldn't treat you like that.

 

[Nosey Moo]

Sometimes when I have an argument with my boyfriend he will say that something never happened or that I wasn’t remembering it correctly, but I know that I am right. I just ignore him and keep making my point. I hope that you are OK, OP.

Can I just ask is this a sign of it? Cos My boyfriend does this.
like earlier for instance he told my son he was tired but I never let him have early nights apparently cos I talk when he’s trying to nod off - I don’t, not really but ok. So I said what about a couple of weeks ago when I was shattered and trying to sleep and you was going on until about 3am. His first response was like “didn’t happen. Musta been a weekend” and I was like no it wasn’t it was a Wednesdays cos you had to getup for work on like 3 hours sleep.he constantly makes out like it didn’t happen Or I’m thinking it wrong. He makes me feel so stupid. My memory isn’t great Anyway cos I think my antidepressants have just turned my head In to a cloudy mess but I know when I am actually being remembering something right but he’s telling me I’m wrong

 

[Peakyblinders]

I hope you are okay @Peakyblinders and thank you for creating this thread

I'm in a similar situation, I'm blamed for everything and my partner accepts no responsibility. I'm told he is the only person who will ever love me. I'm very stuck though as I have no family members or support network. I have been with him nearly 8 years and there has been one incident of physical violence where it went to court but I was pressured to say that the relationship was okay and I didn't want to take it further. I have a child (not by him) and I'm constantly picked on for my parenting or my child wanting attention and of loving my child more than i love him. At the beginning of lockdown he accused me of being a girl in a pornographic film I felt absolutely disgusted with what he accused me of.

He wants me to move underneath him and I refuse to so he has threatened the relationship so many times and accused me of not wanting the same dream as him.

Sorry if I have jumped on anyones post I just wanted to share my story.

Dont be sorry this is why i wanted this thread made as I bet there are lots of people in the same situation - this one seems a lot more serious than mine as you have been together so long and a child is involved. I would say get out but its easy for me to say - I am not doing it myself!

He has just messaged me telling me that if i carry on moaning then we should just leave things - thing is i am not moaning i am literally just expressing my opinion which I am not allowed to do.

 

[Peakyblinders]

This is no way healthy for either of you and must be having an impact on your emotional wellbeing.
Do you end up worrying about him when he storms off?
I honestly believe he knows what his doing he knows that by ignoring calls his making you concerned. He wants the attention. You deserve better than being in a relationship where your arguing and unhappy.
We only get one life you can either stay and put up with behaviour that probably wont change or end the relationship and find someone who treats you right.

it’s having a massive effect on my mental health etc. I am an emotional person and quite an anxious person anyway so all this just makes me 10x worse. He keeps saying he will only reply to me if I’m nice etc but I am nice. I’m just never allowed to say anything that calls him out on his behaviour. I know I need to get out but I feel like I can’t because I don’t want to but deep down I know I need to if that makes sense. I feel so weak x

 

[no-no]

Just coming on to say that I've had this my whole life with my mum. She's been doing it since I was a small child.

I think if you've had a codependent relationship with a parent you can be more at risk of being gaslit by a partner. If you don’t mind me asking, what were the main things your mum would do?

 

[Sunflower91]

Thing is with gaslighting is that it’s a way of controlling you that’s always designed for you to be unaware of it for as long as possible so he can have absolute control. You’re awake to it now but until you cut contact he is always going to try for that control.
The best advice I got was to stop all contact. Don’t allow it in your life. And to not wait for an apology because you either won’t get one or it will just be a way of trying to creep back into your life/ to make them feel better rather than to give you closure.

Spend some time being you and healing from this- figure out what you want outside of being under control. It’s hard but 100% worth it.

 

[Meringue22]

Can I just ask is this a sign of it? Cos My boyfriend does this.
like earlier for instance he told my son he was tired but I never let him have early nights apparently cos I talk when he’s trying to nod off - I don’t, not really but ok. So I said what about a couple of weeks ago when I was shattered and trying to sleep and you was going on until about 3am. His first response was like “didn’t happen. Musta been a weekend” and I was like no it wasn’t it was a Wednesdays cos you had to getup for work on like 3 hours sleep.he constantly makes out like it didn’t happen Or I’m thinking it wrong. He makes me feel so stupid. My memory isn’t great Anyway cos I think my antidepressants have just turned my head In to a cloudy mess but I know when I am actually being remembering something right but he’s telling me I’m wrong

Definitely gaslighting you. Google it as there is a lot of info online x

 

[Thatswhattatsaid]

I really feel for all of you.

I have had similar in the past, a partner and i broke up and he just started mentally and emotionally abusing me, calling me every name under the sun to try and get me to talk to him, threatening to end his life if i didn't talk to him, contacting my family members if I didn't talk to him. Very, very toxic!


How are things with you now, I know your post was from September but just want to check you are okay, and stronger away from that idiot xx

That’s sweet thank you! I’m settled in my house but still in contact with him, mainly because of his manipulation leaving me feeling guilty. He went ahead and bought the house we’d put an offer on together and is going ahead with the renovation we had planned together which is hard, I’m trying to distance myself where possible. Feeling much stronger, getting support and the bonus is he doesn’t know my address so I remain in control! xx

 

[Mercedes12]

Yes guys i have ended it

Great advice from everyone and good to know I am not alone and there is nothing wrong with me haha.

Very proud of you for finding that strength! And I hope you enjoy your new life without that person leeching off your energy and emotion

 

[Kaye1976]

Ooh yes definitely I know all about the jumpy anxious mess! Cant believe you went through it for 6 years how sad! I am glad you are out of that now and happy

If your still asking for advice I take it your still with the guy? No more can be said to you! Now you have to make the decision and if you decide to stay then you know what lies ahead.

 

[User_name_100]

Thanks everyone! Was so hard but knew it had to be done! x

You're a strong woman. Don't let him try and suck you back in because I bet he will try to. He may promise he'll change but he won't. Please, if he does this, re-read this thread to remind yourself of what he's like. Don't fall for any of his charms, you are better off without him.

Now block him and have a big glass of wine to toast your future (if you drink that is!!)

 

[BettyCrocker]

This guy really isn’t worth it. Who cares if he’s seeing other people? Leave him to it!!! Cut all contact with him - completely. Delete and BLOCK him on every social media platform. Change your phone number. Just draw a line under it and move on with your life; a guy like this is really honestly not worth it at all. Why waste any more of your time!!

 

[Peakyblinders]

get out of this relationship right now. Tell him it’s over and don’t entertain him again - you know in yourself that this isn’t right, listen to your gut. You don’t owe him anything. You aren’t happy - so why carry on with it?

I know youre right, youre all right its just hard. Even though it hasnt been long I am just sick of starting again with guys. And i suppose because everything was so great before I keep thinking of that. Dont get me wrong I am not innocent and I do my fair share of moaning/getting angry etc but he does drive me to it a lot of the time.

 

[Welsh1]

I'm so sorry for what you went through and i know how hard it is to leave an abuser! You are definitely right it changes you as a person. It has taken me 3 years to deal with the abuse that happened to me so dont put pressure on yourself.
Have you sort support from womens aid or your gp? You could also speak to the Child maintenance service and get your ex to pay- not that you need to. I went as a principle that my ex should pay.
Your ex blaming you for his mental health issues will long term affect your mental health.

Thank you. It's been a tough road and its still going on now that I've left. There would be no point in going to the CMS because he claims universal credit so I'd barely get anything so I'll keep working and holding my head up high that I'm providing for him. Before meeting him, I was very secure, had no mental health issues and now my anxiety is sky high some days and I go in to a depression at times. I spoke to womens aid who gave me some tips on how to keep things under my control but it is just so so difficult. Like tonight, he's been txting me saying he's going to commit suicide and its taken all my strength to not go looking for him. He and his choices are not my responsibility. I hope you're feeling better in yourself now and thank you for the message x

 

[tskiry56]

Thank you - I cant quote your post but leoladyxo that is gaslighting.

tskiry56 I will definitely take a look at your blog. I am not experiencing any physical abuse nor do I think I ever would. This guy is actually an all right nice guy (I know thats how narcissists usually present) but yeah during arguments he will always say its me and I am the reason he behaves how he does etc. Says i am too over opininated - I literally cannot say anything without him accusing me of moaning or being argumentative.

I never thought i would experience physical abuse either. But I ended up so emotionally abused that I made excuses when he did hurt me.
Have you been in a relationship a long time?
In ways it doenst sound like a healthy relationship- you shouldn't be blamed for his behaviour. Do you see a future with him?

 

[Peakyblinders]

typical that he is trying to even blame you for him going on a date it doesn’t matter if he is happy or not, he is not your concern any more thank goodness. I think my ex was with someone less than a wee after we split and they were together about a year but ultimately he did the same to her, and tried to contact me after. Block block block off everything!

Thank you yes so at first it had me beating myself up thinking well if I wouldnt have liked guys pics he wouldnt have gone on this date etc but i think there is a massive difference there. I have unfollowed him on instagram but he still follows me.... probably to still have a look.

I’m so sorry to read about what you’ve been through! I can relate unfortunately.

It can be really hurtful to see a man who hurt you and claim to love you show no remorse and start filling his time with other women. But I think you need to remember that he has taken NO time to consider changing himself and looking deeper within to acknowledge and heal himself. He hasn’t taken time to see how he’s treated you and how his toxic behaviours harm those closest to him. None of this will change going into the next relationship. Yes, people can change maybe he will fall in love at some point, but at what point will the changes be made? Years of abuse later? After things escalate beyond control? These people are very charming at first but those traits cant be hidden forever.

So while it IS frustrating when they start new relationships or brush aside all that you’ve done for them and they’re seemingly so happy, they’re not really ‘moving on’. They just simply cannot bare to be alone with themselves and if they can’t be alone with themselves, you’ve gotta ask yourself why.

Better yourself, do not allow him to see your social media (you deserve to post the hottest selfies for the world to see without hearing ‘this is why I’m doing XYZ’ from a little man) and try to heal yourself from this relationship. I rushed into a relationship after an abusive experience and found myself self sabotaging a great relationship because of the lack of confidence I was left with after my ex. Don’t do that, you deserve happiness.

Yeah it is really hurtful and while you can see from my previous posts, I wasnt happy with him at times and he was gaslighting me but its like he is continuing to do so now we have ended. Like its my fault he has gone on this date and is now seeing someone. However I havent gone on, nor have dreamt about going on a date since! I have posted selfies because I have been going out and i look nice? Which is something I have always done, nothing to do with getting a reaction out of him. He kept calling me a "beg" saying I only post them to get male attention. And i am "begging it" by liking pictures of other men. I have been really ill over this the past few days as although I didnt want to get back with him it has really hurt me him moving on so quickly cos yes while he was a k*ob i do still have feelings, I am a very emotional feelings type of person and I cant just switch them off.

Your message is so lovely though made me cry (emotional again haha) I just wonder if its a rebound or if he really is happt, but i know that it is northing to do with me. What you have said is spot on and I am trying to use this time to heal myself and be a better person so I just cant believe he can just jump to something else so quick just feel like I am never going to find anyone. xx

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I really feel for all of you.

I have had similar in the past, a partner and i broke up and he just started mentally and emotionally abusing me, calling me every name under the sun to try and get me to talk to him, threatening to end his life if i didn't talk to him, contacting my family members if I didn't talk to him. Very, very toxic!

I’m taking a huge step and buying my own house, my relationship with parents isn’t great, something else he’s played on over the years. It’s terrified because I’ve got to make all these decisions I’ve never even considered before now as normally he’s the one who deals with it. I don’t think he believes I’ll leave or that I can manage it all alone. I feel so destroyed by it all but everyone keeps telling me it’ll get easier, I just don’t know how someone can be so cruel. Thank you xx

How are things with you now, I know your post was from September but just want to check you are okay, and stronger away from that idiot xx

 

[Kaye1976]

Thanks everyone! Was so hard but knew it had to be done! x

Well done. You won’t regret it. Just stay strong if he starts with the promises!

 

[HideTheHunter]

Looking back I was gaslighted by my ex - he would shout at me & tell me to get a grip if I was crying due to my MH, said he didn't like people who cry. Yet when he got upset about something and I would comfort him it was fine for him to show his emotions. So I would challenge it and he would go 'I would never say that to you' Cue me having to watch my emotions around him or bite my tongue. We were together for 4 years and I never felt he wanted to commit - we went on holidays together, weddings/family occasions but then some weekends he would need time alone 'with the lads' so I was often left feeling confused!

I'm so glad you got out of there. 4 years is quite long enough. Biting your tongue and not being able to express your feelings is the worst! Mine is so cold hearted, we live like flatmates - although we do still get along. I was going to finally go ahead and leave just before lockdown, but that didn't happen, obv. Now I have lost my job and am financially dependant on him once more - which he likes and I hate. I enjoyed earning my own money and have savings in my own account, which is reassuring, but.....mentally & emotionally I'm a wreck, tbh. I feel like I'm always in flight or fight mode and its exhausting.