Gaslighting

[User_name_100]

Thank you - I cant quote your post but leoladyxo that is gaslighting.

tskiry56 I will definitely take a look at your blog. I am not experiencing any physical abuse nor do I think I ever would. This guy is actually an all right nice guy (I know thats how narcissists usually present) but yeah during arguments he will always say its me and I am the reason he behaves how he does etc. Says i am too over opininated - I literally cannot say anything without him accusing me of moaning or being argumentative.

Not read the full thread but based on just this post I'd say get rid. I've just seen briefly another post that you've been together five months, time for him to go.

It'll only get worse unfortunately. Please don't put up with this behaviour.

Him saying you're too opinionated is his way to erode at your confidence, bet you have been second guessing yourself right? The fact he says it's your fault too that he behaves that way is bullshit, he behaves like that because he's an idiot, not because of you. He's passing the blame on to you. Not good.

Sorry if my post is a bit harsh, I don't intend it to be but whilst you're still early on in the relationship you can get out without kids or marriage being involved.

it’s having a massive effect on my mental health etc. I am an emotional person and quite an anxious person anyway so all this just makes me 10x worse. He keeps saying he will only reply to me if I’m nice etc but I am nice. I’m just never allowed to say anything that calls him out on his behaviour. I know I need to get out but I feel like I can’t because I don’t want to but deep down I know I need to if that makes sense. I feel so weak x

The reason he doesn't like being called out on his behaviour is because he knows he's being an asshole. It's emotional abuse the silent treatment you're being given when you're apparently 'not being nice'.

He's training you to not question him, to never call him out on his behaviour and to do as he says. This is not right. It's emotional abuse.

I was with a man very similar, he would give me the silent treatment after an argument or heated discussion, I was too scared to call him out on his behaviour. He would say things like 'I'll come see you only if you're a good girl' which meant not to question his behaviour. It was horrible. It affected my mental health and on the days where he was ignoring me I'd be going crazy with anxiety. I thankfully saw the light and fucked him off after 6 months of it.

You deserve so so much better. How amazing will you feel when you don't have to worry about this man? You won't need to worry about stepping on eggshells around him, you can be free of his pathetic behaviour. Please consider leaving him. You will thank your future self.

 

[laughing]

BLOCK HIM AND STOP BEING A VICTIM

 

[birdiefly246]

Just coming on to say that I've had this my whole life with my mum. She's been doing it since I was a small child.

What I would say is, if you're questioning it/frustrated with it now after 5 months (that's still the nice honeymoon period where things are still great)... imagine what you'll be like in 5 years. It's a huge step to even admit that something is wrong cause our natural insticts as women especially is to ignore behaviour like that.

Please please please do yourself a favour and leave. You deserve better than this and if he truly had respect for you he'd want to work it out with you and the thought of you two arguing and you being upset would kill him inside. He doesn't care. He just wants you to admit responsibility so he can ignore his faults. I'm sure other posters will agree with me, the more you allow it the more he'll do it until eventually you just stop questioning yourself.

As for feeling lonely believ me I get that. My advice is get a hobby, go exercise (seriously the gym really helps me with loneliess) go on holiday with some friends, fill your life up with so much fun and happiness so you'll be happy in yourself and you won't settle for anything other than someone who makes you feel amazing. Partners are supposed to be a breath of fresh air and a bonus to your life.

 

[Happyvalley]

This early into a relationship you should still be in the honeymoon period, enjoying spending time with each other. So aside from the gaslighting (which he is definitely doing) that’s reason enough to say this isn’t going to work in the long term and call it a day. I know it’s easier said than done. But please don’t waste any more of your life on this person. I wasted six years and by the end of it was a jumpy anxious mess who had lost all my friends as I was never allowed out. Accused of cheating when he was the one doing it.

It starts off in the ways you have explained and will escalate. You deserve to be happy

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Totally agree with both of you. I messaged tonight like a mug apologising and he was nice then literally rang me about an hour ago pissed with his mates being really nasty to me could barely talk he’s so drunk.

He sounds like a real prince! Your time is too precious to waste on a person not worthy of it. You are clearly not compatible— accept it and move on now. He sounds like a dead weight.

 

[Likkleone]

Yes this is what i thought - Like he was messaging me saying he loves me, misses me, Im his beautiful girl etc and then next thing i know a week and a half he is seeing someone else - I mentioned it and he said he had seen me liking guys pics on instagram and posting selfies of myself (which i always do anyway) so thats why he has gone out and dated someone else. So seems to me he did it out of spite but maybe he is happy cos as far as I know he is still dating her. Although I knew the relationship wasnt right it is still a massive kick in the teeth as I honestly didnt think he would move on so quickly. Deep down I dont think he is happy and I think he has done it to fill a void but who knows. Its just a kick in the teeth though isnt it.

I’m so sorry to read about what you’ve been through! I can relate unfortunately.

It can be really hurtful to see a man who hurt you and claim to love you show no remorse and start filling his time with other women. But I think you need to remember that he has taken NO time to consider changing himself and looking deeper within to acknowledge and heal himself. He hasn’t taken time to see how he’s treated you and how his toxic behaviours harm those closest to him. None of this will change going into the next relationship. Yes, people can change maybe he will fall in love at some point, but at what point will the changes be made? Years of abuse later? After things escalate beyond control? These people are very charming at first but those traits cant be hidden forever.

So while it IS frustrating when they start new relationships or brush aside all that you’ve done for them and they’re seemingly so happy, they’re not really ‘moving on’. They just simply cannot bare to be alone with themselves and if they can’t be alone with themselves, you’ve gotta ask yourself why.

Better yourself, do not allow him to see your social media (you deserve to post the hottest selfies for the world to see without hearing ‘this is why I’m doing XYZ’ from a little man) and try to heal yourself from this relationship. I rushed into a relationship after an abusive experience and found myself self sabotaging a great relationship because of the lack of confidence I was left with after my ex. Don’t do that, you deserve happiness.

 

[Fishnips]

Peaky- this is how my last relationship started. I left very recently with our 6 month old daughter, though we sadly share a house. He's still not taking any responsibility for his actions and he's telling me I've simply not tried to make it work and "if I loved the family I'd make it work"
Even having a near breakdown and telling him I'm leaving hasn't prompted him to be sorry for his actions. That's how abusers are.

Please leave. I know it's hard. I know it's even harder when you're made to feel like you're a horrible person and unlikable. But it won't get better. It'll get harder. Don't let it get to a point where you're living together with shared finances etc and/or the abuse gets worse.

Breaking up is so hard but within a few weeks you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel and you'll wonder why you ever let somebody make you so unhappy.

 

[Eyerolling]

@Peakyblinders lockdown is not a justification or excuse at all. Do not leave it to see if the next 5/6 months are any different. If it is like this already, trust me it is only going to get worse. Get out of this relationship - it is not healthy. Even if you like him and think he is a nice person - the relationship is not healthy

 

[Juliet]

Please tell me you’ve ended it? If not please tell him you’re finished and block his phone number and social media. His behaviour is pathetic. He senses your anxiety and unfortunately you’re a prime target for this type of person. Trust me, you will feel much happier when you’ve got rid of him.

 

[birdiefly246]

I think if you've had a codependent relationship with a parent you can be more at risk of being gaslit by a partner. If you don’t mind me asking, what were the main things your mum would do?

So she'd often tell me that the things that happened in my childhood didn't happen. She'd often lie to get me to do or say things that she wanted. She'd make me chase a lot for her love/attention/approval so that when it came to it she could make me say things to her friends about my dad by twisting the story knowing that she'd give me loads of love and attention afterwards for saying the right thing. Does that make sense? She told me once that the man who was abusing me (I was a small child) wasn't an abuser and that if he was she wouldn't be in a relationship with him. My biggest issue (personally) is the lies. If I didn't want to go somewhere she'd say that they'd accommodated for me specifically and then I'd get there and there'd be no food I liked after she'd told me all that.

I think when you grow with that you seek it in relationships because it's what you're used to. Thankfully I went the opposite way and now I'm really hard to manipulate because I have a good gut instinct and won't tolerate any shit as soon as it starts.

 

[User_name_100]

Please remember it'll be ten times easier to leave him now than at any time in the future. Yes you may feel upset and hurt, but your future self will thank you. I promise that. Short term pain for long term gain. Please listen to what other posters are saying.

 

[Chablis1]

Am I going mad?
I’ve been with my partner for almost 8 years officially, unofficially almost 11 but shortly after we started seeing each other (I was 18) he started a relationship with someone else for 2 years, in that time he wouldn’t let me move on, he’d make threats that if I started seeing anyone else we’d never see each other again - obviously I went with it as I was mad about him. Anyway he ended the relationship and 5 months later we got together, in that time he moved abroad for work and we decided to stay together long distance, he’s been away for 6 years now, in that time we’ve been through a lot, his Mum died before he turned 30, he’d already lost his Dad in 2010. Despite the distance we saw each other every 8-10 weeks for the first 3 years. He became distant in 2016, mentioned a girl he worked with being attractive, when I went out to him I found her passport in his safe, he made excuses, she would post on her blog and he’d be in the background of pictures when I challenged it he said a group from work went out. She’d post about being placed he said he was going and on one occasion was on the same flight as him, he denied it and sent screenshots of messages to her asking if she was on the flight and her saying no. His Mum died 2017, awful battle with cancer, I visited her in hospital whilst he was away (only child) and was the one to tell him it was terminal, fortunately he was home when she passed away and I was with him, planned the funeral together etc. After her death I’d check on the empty house fortnightly, I even took on her Cat as none of the family would take him (he’s very temperamental). Christmas Eve 2017 I found out that he’d been cheating with the girl, she told me they’d been living together for 6 months (he moved in just after he returned after his Mum died). We agreed to work through it and he was going to come home in the April 2018, he kept pushing it back, I saw proof he wasn’t living with her. I tried ending the relationship a few times but he always threatened to take his own life. Things started to pick up and in January 2019 he was coming home, I moved the cat out of my parents (they couldn’t keep him any longer) and he said he wasn’t back permanently so I ended up moving in to his empty house as he agreed he’d be coming home in the coming weeks, he kept making excuses but would book huge holidays to keep me quiet, this happened throughout the year. He said he was home after a holiday in October but the day after we returned he left before I even got home from work. He would use excuses like visa issues etc. He was back permanently Christmas 2019 although this was short lived as he left again 3rd Jan, again only telling me an hour before leaving for the airport. He came home for a week for our anniversary, we put his house up for sale and had viewed houses, then left again for what should have been 2 weeks, I haven’t seen him since. Because of arguments he kept pushing his flight and refusing to tell me and then eventually claimed he got stuck due to COVID. I spent lockdown on my own, isolated away from family and friends living in his home. I sat on my own in isolation on my birthday, every week he’d tell me his flight had been cancelled because of COVID and they couldn’t fly, at one stage he said a flight hadn’t taken off despite me calling the airport and confirming. 6 weeks ago I had an awful feeling and contacted the other woman, she said he was with her and they lived together, he denied initially and then demanded I made arrangements to leave his house and then ignored me for 2 days before calling to apologise and said he was coming home and she had kicked him out, it was over. He was due to book a flight then kept saying that he needed time to sort his head out. In that time he bought a house we had viewed and put my name on it with him, his house had sold and progress was being made. This week he was due to fly Monday and cancelled because he didn’t like the way I was speaking to him (standing up for myself and asking when he was collecting his stuff from her). On Tuesday I contacted her pretending to be his cousin, she confirmed they hadn’t split and she had been on holiday for 2 weeks but was due to return Friday, she knew about me the entire time. He refuses to speak to me in case I record it to send to her as he’s told her we aren’t together. Instead he’d send messages in a way it couldn’t be traced back to him. He denies he’s with her to me despite everything. He won’t tell me it’s over and that he doesn’t want to be with me, he sent me a letter telling me he loves me, talking about how much he wanted our future but I had gone too far. He’s saying he’s staying out there for work but still contacting me, reminiscing. Asking where I’m moving to. I’m still in his house, everything I watch on TV he can see (via the internet) there are cameras in the house. There’s a lot more I haven’t covered, he’s made me feel crazy, am i a crazy girlfriend? It’s over now, I’m leaving but not because he’s told me, because he still won’t end it, carries on as if nothing has happened.

Goodness. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Are you able to move back in with your parents for a while? For your physical and mental wellbeing you need to move out of that Horror House. Cameras everywhere, being able to monitor what you watch on TV? You need to take care of yourself. You deserve so much better xx

 

[tskiry56]

I think it's easier to write because it's anonymous but definitely as I was writing it out it hit me more that it is not okay. I have really kept it to myself and only recently told someone who has referred me to a domestic abuse service and I'm waiting for them to get in touch.

I know in my heart that I need to leave and I feel guilty almost everyday because I feel like I'm putting myself and my son through so much because I feel stuck in this relationship.

I have no family, mum left when I was younger and dad doesn't really bother much. I feel alot of the reasons I stay are lonlieness and vulnerability.

I mean with this with no disrespect whatsoever as I've also said this to people going through tough relationships and say to them to leave it is much easier said than done.


Of course you are allowed to express your opinion and how you feel, it's so important to and not let it build up into something bigger. There is a huge difference between expressing how you feel and having a moan

It definitely is easier to tell someone to leave. I know how much strength it takes to leave and I know I never would of had I not gone to work with blood pouring down my head. This resulted in safeguarding, social services and then the police getting involved.
Even then I was cracking under the emotional abuse he was laying on me.
Telling me people would hate me, it was my fault etc and that I was then the reason he self harmed.
It took so much from me and a hell of a long time to recover from it emotionally. I still look in the mirror and see what he did to me and with that I can still hear the sound of my head cracking open and his words " oh my god what have I done to your head"
I always felt like I didnt want to burden anyone with how I felt but there is ways out.
I hope you get the support you need for yourself and your son.

 

[Peakyblinders]

Thanks so much guys - sounds bad but i feel my friends are sick of hearing about my guy problems now i just feel like a burden.

So he came mine last night to "sort things" - before he came he messaged me the rules about how he will only come if i am nice and dont argue etc. Long story short he stormed out so i rang him and he just told me about how much of a horrible person i am etc same old.

 

[HideTheHunter]

What kind of things is he doing? X

Oh too many things to mention on a public forum, but from the serious financial abuse to the "I never gave the dog a treat" when I'm standing there literally watching the dog chow down on the biscuits he threw for it. Oh and he lied about his age too, even getting his family to go along with it. When I discovered he was older than he said he was, he made out like I was some sort of creepy stalker fishing for information. "You are a weird one" he said "Are you one of these stalkers who goes around asking people questions behind my back - am I going to have to keep my eye on you?!"

 

[Suzesnooze]

Did you see him during lockdown? You haven't been together long at all. Are you annoyed now he can go out with his mates? Do you get possessive?

As he couldn't see his mates during lockdown he probably gave you all his attention but now he can meet his mates again, it sounds like he doesn't want a serious relationship?

I would end it as it doesn't sound like it's going anywhere especially after such a short time and so much arguing. You can do much better.

 

[Peakyblinders]

Anyone got any experiences or are currently beinggaslighted by their partner? I definitely am and it is making me believe I am in the wrong all the time/a psycho.

 

[Peakyblinders]

Totally agree with both of you. I messaged tonight like a mug apologising and he was nice then literally rang me about an hour ago pissed with his mates being really nasty to me could barely talk he’s so drunk.

 

[Dogtanian]

Seconded. Block him on every social media account you have (and phone).

 

[tskiry56]

Im 32 this year so. You are definitely right it’s just hard x

I'm 32 and met my now partner at 31 just over a year ago. Dont settle for someone who makes you question why your with them. We are also all guilty of wanting to be happy and believing it will work or a person will change.
You are still young and will meet someone else.. dont let anyone tell you or make you think otherwise.