Gaslighting

[Suzesnooze]

Have you ended the relationship yet?

 

[Its_Me]

@Peakyblinders I’ve read through all your comments and it seems to me you’re downplaying his actions just because they’re not violent. There’s definitely some gaslighting at play here but also if you’re saying he says you’re moaning when you comment on something, maybe your communication styles just don’t match, or you’re not a good match at all! It’s only been 5 months and whatever is going on isn’t worth your time and emotional energy. Personally I’d just block him and move on! Good Luck x

 

[Trampoline]

Are you still giving this guy the time of day? You are worth more darling, any man that loves you isn't going to call you whilst drunk with friends verbally abusing you. You need to stop this now your pretty much like a door mat, he can basically do what he wants storm out and then you ring him and apologise so it's you that looks like the bad person. Dont let him treat you like this? Does he have a drug/alcohol problem?

 

[tskiry56]

Thanks so much guys - sounds bad but i feel my friends are sick of hearing about my guy problems now i just feel like a burden.

So he came mine last night to "sort things" - before he came he messaged me the rules about how he will only come if i am nice and dont argue etc. Long story short he stormed out so i rang him and he just told me about how much of a horrible person i am etc same old.

Your not a burden.. if they are real friends they will be there for you. I lost so many friends after I left my ex I dont think they knew what to say to me.
His actions last night speak volumes about how he views things. He sounds far too controlling and is being emotionally abusive.
Has this changed your mind about the relationship?

 

[tskiry56]

Sorry to hear all your stories. I hope you all find happiness and peace!

i just don’t know what to do with myself, we’ve been arguing for 8 days straight now because he won’t take accountability for anything, he came round tonight to talk things through and it ended with him storming out (as usual) and me having to ring him. And shock, he said that he’s been “nothing but nice” since he came and I’ve just been a bitch. Which isn’t true I’ve just called him out on his behaviour. Now he’s ignoring my messages. It’s a never ending cycle but it’s really hard to get out of because I love him. X

This is no way healthy for either of you and must be having an impact on your emotional wellbeing.
Do you end up worrying about him when he storms off?
I honestly believe he knows what his doing he knows that by ignoring calls his making you concerned. He wants the attention. You deserve better than being in a relationship where your arguing and unhappy.
We only get one life you can either stay and put up with behaviour that probably wont change or end the relationship and find someone who treats you right.

 

[User_name_100]

He did try to come back to me but i tried to stay strong. He told me he loved me in one of the messages and then a week and a half later he is on a date with/seeing someone else. Typical traits thought isnt it! Did set me back a bit but I know I need to be strong.

Anyone got any experiences of guys rebounding really quck?

From my experience, and I know it's not all men, but I have noticed some men do try and 'move on' quickly, straight onto the next woman so to speak. The rebound relationship tends to crash though (..and then they come sniffing back around).

One of my ex boyfriends told me he loved me on the Saturday, dumped me on the Sunday, was with a new woman a few days after that. It's something I'll never really understand.
I don't have any advice, just stay strong and you'll get through it.

 

[Welsh1]

I spent 8 years in a relationship with a man who is the father of my child, at the beginning he was lovely, he was working, had his own place. Then the cannabis addiction kicked in whilst I was pregnant. He always had to be right, he has mental health issues and I would spend hours listening to how he was feeling yet after an argument, he'd say I never listen to him when it comes to his mental health. I ended up in debt as he would nag and nag and nag me for money until I'd give in just to stop the nagging. He has taken away who I was as a person, I'm quite withdrawn now, lack confidence, I have anxiety and even when I see a message come up on my phone, it fills me with dread because its usually him playing games. I left him 4 months ago, he sees our child friday to sunday every week. He has always been a great dad with a lot of time for our child but he is always calling me names, blaming me for his mental health, threatening to commit suicide and now that I've left, he tries to blackmail me and manipulate me by using our child as a weapon saying things like 'If you don't do this or that then I won't have him on weekends'. I feel sad that he puts our child in this situation and me because I end up doing the things he asks for so that it doesn't affect our child. Its such a constant battle with him every day. I work a lot of hours because I provide for me and my son myself, his dad doesn't pay a penny towards his keep, never has done even when we were together because 'thats what my child benefit was for' in his words. Im ranting now but honestly, feel lucky that you are not tied to this idiot with a child and that you've been together for quite a short time. Leave him.

 

[Dickydoo123]

Totally agree with both of you. I messaged tonight like a mug apologising and he was nice then literally rang me about an hour ago pissed with his mates being really nasty to me could barely talk he’s so drunk.

Please know you’re not a ‘mug’. Absolutely not, you’re too good for him. He’s not a keeper at all, the love he has for himself is on another level Self peace and self love is so much more worth than arguing to keep someone who is only vested in themselves

 

[Thatswhattatsaid]

Am I going mad?
I’ve been with my partner for almost 8 years officially, unofficially almost 11 but shortly after we started seeing each other (I was 18) he started a relationship with someone else for 2 years, in that time he wouldn’t let me move on, he’d make threats that if I started seeing anyone else we’d never see each other again - obviously I went with it as I was mad about him. Anyway he ended the relationship and 5 months later we got together, in that time he moved abroad for work and we decided to stay together long distance, he’s been away for 6 years now, in that time we’ve been through a lot, his Mum died before he turned 30, he’d already lost his Dad in 2010. Despite the distance we saw each other every 8-10 weeks for the first 3 years. He became distant in 2016, mentioned a girl he worked with being attractive, when I went out to him I found her passport in his safe, he made excuses, she would post on her blog and he’d be in the background of pictures when I challenged it he said a group from work went out. She’d post about being placed he said he was going and on one occasion was on the same flight as him, he denied it and sent screenshots of messages to her asking if she was on the flight and her saying no. His Mum died 2017, awful battle with cancer, I visited her in hospital whilst he was away (only child) and was the one to tell him it was terminal, fortunately he was home when she passed away and I was with him, planned the funeral together etc. After her death I’d check on the empty house fortnightly, I even took on her Cat as none of the family would take him (he’s very temperamental). Christmas Eve 2017 I found out that he’d been cheating with the girl, she told me they’d been living together for 6 months (he moved in just after he returned after his Mum died). We agreed to work through it and he was going to come home in the April 2018, he kept pushing it back, I saw proof he wasn’t living with her. I tried ending the relationship a few times but he always threatened to take his own life. Things started to pick up and in January 2019 he was coming home, I moved the cat out of my parents (they couldn’t keep him any longer) and he said he wasn’t back permanently so I ended up moving in to his empty house as he agreed he’d be coming home in the coming weeks, he kept making excuses but would book huge holidays to keep me quiet, this happened throughout the year. He said he was home after a holiday in October but the day after we returned he left before I even got home from work. He would use excuses like visa issues etc. He was back permanently Christmas 2019 although this was short lived as he left again 3rd Jan, again only telling me an hour before leaving for the airport. He came home for a week for our anniversary, we put his house up for sale and had viewed houses, then left again for what should have been 2 weeks, I haven’t seen him since. Because of arguments he kept pushing his flight and refusing to tell me and then eventually claimed he got stuck due to COVID. I spent lockdown on my own, isolated away from family and friends living in his home. I sat on my own in isolation on my birthday, every week he’d tell me his flight had been cancelled because of COVID and they couldn’t fly, at one stage he said a flight hadn’t taken off despite me calling the airport and confirming. 6 weeks ago I had an awful feeling and contacted the other woman, she said he was with her and they lived together, he denied initially and then demanded I made arrangements to leave his house and then ignored me for 2 days before calling to apologise and said he was coming home and she had kicked him out, it was over. He was due to book a flight then kept saying that he needed time to sort his head out. In that time he bought a house we had viewed and put my name on it with him, his house had sold and progress was being made. This week he was due to fly Monday and cancelled because he didn’t like the way I was speaking to him (standing up for myself and asking when he was collecting his stuff from her). On Tuesday I contacted her pretending to be his cousin, she confirmed they hadn’t split and she had been on holiday for 2 weeks but was due to return Friday, she knew about me the entire time. He refuses to speak to me in case I record it to send to her as he’s told her we aren’t together. Instead he’d send messages in a way it couldn’t be traced back to him. He denies he’s with her to me despite everything. He won’t tell me it’s over and that he doesn’t want to be with me, he sent me a letter telling me he loves me, talking about how much he wanted our future but I had gone too far. He’s saying he’s staying out there for work but still contacting me, reminiscing. Asking where I’m moving to. I’m still in his house, everything I watch on TV he can see (via the internet) there are cameras in the house. There’s a lot more I haven’t covered, he’s made me feel crazy, am i a crazy girlfriend? It’s over now, I’m leaving but not because he’s told me, because he still won’t end it, carries on as if nothing has happened.

 

[simplelifex]

It definitely is easier to tell someone to leave. I know how much strength it takes to leave and I know I never would of had I not gone to work with blood pouring down my head. This resulted in safeguarding, social services and then the police getting involved.
Even then I was cracking under the emotional abuse he was laying on me.
Telling me people would hate me, it was my fault etc and that I was then the reason he self harmed.
It took so much from me and a hell of a long time to recover from it emotionally. I still look in the mirror and see what he did to me and with that I can still hear the sound of my head cracking open and his words " oh my god what have I done to your head"
I always felt like I didnt want to burden anyone with how I felt but there is ways out.
I hope you get the support you need for yourself and your son.

Thank you and thank you for sharing what you have been through. I’m so glad you are in a better place it brought a tear to me reading your post.

 

[Eyerolling]

Why are you still letting him follow you on Instagram? What is the point? I hope you have listened to everyone and deleted and blocked by now

 

[tskiry56]

Tskiry well done on finding the strength to get through what must have been such an awful, traumatic time. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope things are a lot happier for you now.

Peaky - do you have friends you could stay with (if the house you're in is not yours?).

Thank you @panda_eyes It took me a long time too and I lost faith and trust in a lot of people. But one positive I took from the situation was that eventually I want to work in that area and help people.
I never would want anyone to go through domestic violence.
Things are a lot happier I met my boyfriend after a couple of years on my own. He is fantastic with my son and a great role model for him.
It proved to me that after a bloody long storm there was a rainbow at the end

 

[Eyerolling]

Yes this is what i thought - Like he was messaging me saying he loves me, misses me, Im his beautiful girl etc and then next thing i know a week and a half he is seeing someone else - I mentioned it and he said he had seen me liking guys pics on instagram and posting selfies of myself (which i always do anyway) so thats why he has gone out and dated someone else. So seems to me he did it out of spite but maybe he is happy cos as far as I know he is still dating her. Although I knew the relationship wasnt right it is still a massive kick in the teeth as I honestly didnt think he would move on so quickly. Deep down I dont think he is happy and I think he has done it to fill a void but who knows. Its just a kick in the teeth though isnt it.

typical that he is trying to even blame you for him going on a date it doesn’t matter if he is happy or not, he is not your concern any more thank goodness. I think my ex was with someone less than a wee after we split and they were together about a year but ultimately he did the same to her, and tried to contact me after. Block block block off everything!

 

[tskiry56]

Peaky- this is how my last relationship started. I left very recently with our 6 month old daughter, though we sadly share a house. He's still not taking any responsibility for his actions and he's telling me I've simply not tried to make it work and "if I loved the family I'd make it work"
Even having a near breakdown and telling him I'm leaving hasn't prompted him to be sorry for his actions. That's how abusers are.

Please leave. I know it's hard. I know it's even harder when you're made to feel like you're a horrible person and unlikable. But it won't get better. It'll get harder. Don't let it get to a point where you're living together with shared finances etc and/or the abuse gets worse.

Breaking up is so hard but within a few weeks you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel and you'll wonder why you ever let somebody make you so unhappy.

@Fishnips well done for leaving especially with a young baby.
I had exactly the same as you but unfortunately stayed till my son was 3 years old as I was that emotionally abused.
The longer you stay in a relationship like this the harder it gets to recover from as the bigger impact it has on your mental health.
The catalyst that made me see what was happening in my life was the physical abuse before that I took every insult and just bottled it all up. The day I admitted the truth is the day I realised how strong I was.

 

[Thatswhattatsaid]

Goodness. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Are you able to move back in with your parents for a while? For your physical and mental wellbeing you need to move out of that Horror House. Cameras everywhere, being able to monitor what you watch on TV? You need to take care of yourself. You deserve so much better xx

I’m taking a huge step and buying my own house, my relationship with parents isn’t great, something else he’s played on over the years. It’s terrified because I’ve got to make all these decisions I’ve never even considered before now as normally he’s the one who deals with it. I don’t think he believes I’ll leave or that I can manage it all alone. I feel so destroyed by it all but everyone keeps telling me it’ll get easier, I just don’t know how someone can be so cruel. Thank you xx

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Block and pretend like he never existed. You’ll have a bad week and then feel better.

 

[Scotty1976]

Sometimes it can be more than 1 member of your family gaslighting you.For example reminding you of something they said to you when you know for a fact they had not then. Both of them question your MH and get aggressive and defensive if you try to put your take on it

 

[Sophieblack6]

Don't tangle with a gaslighter, complete headfuck and they won't change no matter what you do

 

[Peakyblinders]

I have only been with him for 5 months but most of that has been during lockdown so I have been using that as an excuse for the way he has been with me etc but I am just so drained. I really do like him and I definitely did see a future with him, not so sure now though as he never takes responsibility for his actions and will not communicate with me, he will just ignore me instead until he decides he doesnt want to anymore.

Yes I have. My ex husband. It’s 3 years on and he is still doing it (we have children)
If you don’t have children it will be so much easier to cut then out. He ruined my life and completely crushed me as a person. I regret everything about being with him. I am a changed person because he left me with no confidence.
You are here so you know what they are doing to you is wrong, speak to a trusted friend or family member. You can do this. Good luck x

Thank you! I dont have kids I have only been with him 5/6 months. I came out of a lovely healthy 6 year relationship 2 years ago and have been with horrible guys since then. This guy came along and seemed perfect, dont get me wrong he can be. (I have met actual narcissists and I am not too sure if he is one) Problem is I dont know if it is just the stress of lockdown so it is hard.

I would be interested to hear other peoles experiences, what kind of things did your partners do/say to gaslight you?

 

[Peakyblinders]

I'm 32 and met my now partner at 31 just over a year ago. Dont settle for someone who makes you question why your with them. We are also all guilty of wanting to be happy and believing it will work or a person will change.
You are still young and will meet someone else.. dont let anyone tell you or make you think otherwise.

Thank you lovely - Really appreciate your advice. I think thats the problem I just keep thinking things will change but they dont seem to.

Please, for your future, end it. I’ve wasted years with someone who’s just upped and left this evening because he’s miserable. This is a man who never opened up or cared about how I felt. He’s just left. Don’t waste your precious time on this guy. Even if you weren’t being “nice”, you don’t have to be. Trust your gut! He won’t change and you’d be forever on eggshells without ever having your needs met. Take care x

I agree babe - I dont think that he will change and he will not give me what he wants, he has changed so much - how are you feeling with your situation?