Gaslighting

[Eyerolling]

Yes this is what i thought - Like he was messaging me saying he loves me, misses me, Im his beautiful girl etc and then next thing i know a week and a half he is seeing someone else - I mentioned it and he said he had seen me liking guys pics on instagram and posting selfies of myself (which i always do anyway) so thats why he has gone out and dated someone else. So seems to me he did it out of spite but maybe he is happy cos as far as I know he is still dating her. Although I knew the relationship wasnt right it is still a massive kick in the teeth as I honestly didnt think he would move on so quickly. Deep down I dont think he is happy and I think he has done it to fill a void but who knows. Its just a kick in the teeth though isnt it.

typical that he is trying to even blame you for him going on a date it doesn’t matter if he is happy or not, he is not your concern any more thank goodness. I think my ex was with someone less than a wee after we split and they were together about a year but ultimately he did the same to her, and tried to contact me after. Block block block off everything!

 

[Likkleone]

Yes this is what i thought - Like he was messaging me saying he loves me, misses me, Im his beautiful girl etc and then next thing i know a week and a half he is seeing someone else - I mentioned it and he said he had seen me liking guys pics on instagram and posting selfies of myself (which i always do anyway) so thats why he has gone out and dated someone else. So seems to me he did it out of spite but maybe he is happy cos as far as I know he is still dating her. Although I knew the relationship wasnt right it is still a massive kick in the teeth as I honestly didnt think he would move on so quickly. Deep down I dont think he is happy and I think he has done it to fill a void but who knows. Its just a kick in the teeth though isnt it.

I’m so sorry to read about what you’ve been through! I can relate unfortunately.

It can be really hurtful to see a man who hurt you and claim to love you show no remorse and start filling his time with other women. But I think you need to remember that he has taken NO time to consider changing himself and looking deeper within to acknowledge and heal himself. He hasn’t taken time to see how he’s treated you and how his toxic behaviours harm those closest to him. None of this will change going into the next relationship. Yes, people can change maybe he will fall in love at some point, but at what point will the changes be made? Years of abuse later? After things escalate beyond control? These people are very charming at first but those traits cant be hidden forever.

So while it IS frustrating when they start new relationships or brush aside all that you’ve done for them and they’re seemingly so happy, they’re not really ‘moving on’. They just simply cannot bare to be alone with themselves and if they can’t be alone with themselves, you’ve gotta ask yourself why.

Better yourself, do not allow him to see your social media (you deserve to post the hottest selfies for the world to see without hearing ‘this is why I’m doing XYZ’ from a little man) and try to heal yourself from this relationship. I rushed into a relationship after an abusive experience and found myself self sabotaging a great relationship because of the lack of confidence I was left with after my ex. Don’t do that, you deserve happiness.

 

[Peakyblinders]

typical that he is trying to even blame you for him going on a date it doesn’t matter if he is happy or not, he is not your concern any more thank goodness. I think my ex was with someone less than a wee after we split and they were together about a year but ultimately he did the same to her, and tried to contact me after. Block block block off everything!

Thank you yes so at first it had me beating myself up thinking well if I wouldnt have liked guys pics he wouldnt have gone on this date etc but i think there is a massive difference there. I have unfollowed him on instagram but he still follows me.... probably to still have a look.

I’m so sorry to read about what you’ve been through! I can relate unfortunately.

It can be really hurtful to see a man who hurt you and claim to love you show no remorse and start filling his time with other women. But I think you need to remember that he has taken NO time to consider changing himself and looking deeper within to acknowledge and heal himself. He hasn’t taken time to see how he’s treated you and how his toxic behaviours harm those closest to him. None of this will change going into the next relationship. Yes, people can change maybe he will fall in love at some point, but at what point will the changes be made? Years of abuse later? After things escalate beyond control? These people are very charming at first but those traits cant be hidden forever.

So while it IS frustrating when they start new relationships or brush aside all that you’ve done for them and they’re seemingly so happy, they’re not really ‘moving on’. They just simply cannot bare to be alone with themselves and if they can’t be alone with themselves, you’ve gotta ask yourself why.

Better yourself, do not allow him to see your social media (you deserve to post the hottest selfies for the world to see without hearing ‘this is why I’m doing XYZ’ from a little man) and try to heal yourself from this relationship. I rushed into a relationship after an abusive experience and found myself self sabotaging a great relationship because of the lack of confidence I was left with after my ex. Don’t do that, you deserve happiness.

Yeah it is really hurtful and while you can see from my previous posts, I wasnt happy with him at times and he was gaslighting me but its like he is continuing to do so now we have ended. Like its my fault he has gone on this date and is now seeing someone. However I havent gone on, nor have dreamt about going on a date since! I have posted selfies because I have been going out and i look nice? Which is something I have always done, nothing to do with getting a reaction out of him. He kept calling me a "beg" saying I only post them to get male attention. And i am "begging it" by liking pictures of other men. I have been really ill over this the past few days as although I didnt want to get back with him it has really hurt me him moving on so quickly cos yes while he was a k*ob i do still have feelings, I am a very emotional feelings type of person and I cant just switch them off.

Your message is so lovely though made me cry (emotional again haha) I just wonder if its a rebound or if he really is happt, but i know that it is northing to do with me. What you have said is spot on and I am trying to use this time to heal myself and be a better person so I just cant believe he can just jump to something else so quick just feel like I am never going to find anyone. xx

 

[laughing]

Back again. Jesus. Cop on to yourself.

Block him on everything.

 

[User_name_100]

Yes this is what i thought - Like he was messaging me saying he loves me, misses me, Im his beautiful girl etc and then next thing i know a week and a half he is seeing someone else - I mentioned it and he said he had seen me liking guys pics on instagram and posting selfies of myself (which i always do anyway) so thats why he has gone out and dated someone else. So seems to me he did it out of spite but maybe he is happy cos as far as I know he is still dating her. Although I knew the relationship wasnt right it is still a massive kick in the teeth as I honestly didnt think he would move on so quickly. Deep down I dont think he is happy and I think he has done it to fill a void but who knows. Its just a kick in the teeth though isnt it.

What a charmer, passing the blame on to you. As if he doesn't have control over his life. What an asshole (him). He seems to be upset that you're moving on, I guess he wants you at home sobbing over him 24/7.

I would block and have no contact with this man ever again. It doesn't matter if he's happy or not, it's not your problem anymore. Thank God.

I promise you'll look back and see this as a lucky escape!

 

[Peakyblinders]

What a charmer, passing the blame on to you. As if he doesn't have control over his life. What an asshole (him). He seems to be upset that you're moving on, I guess he wants you at home sobbing over him 24/7.

I would block and have no contact with this man ever again. It doesn't matter if he's happy or not, it's not your problem anymore. Thank God.

I promise you'll look back and see this as a lucky escape!

yea definitely! It’s like they can do anything they want but we can’t do anything! Typical haha. Definitely a lucky escape! It’s just mad how quick people move on isn’t it! X

 

[birdiefly246]

yea definitely! It’s like they can do anything they want but we can’t do anything! Typical haha. Definitely a lucky escape! It’s just mad how quick people move on isn’t it! X

I once had someone who I’ve known for over 10 years who I thought was my best friend, confess his undying love for me that he’d loved me since we were 10 and how he could cure my mental health issues (lmao) and that if he kept doing the thing that made me uncomfortable and was triggering (I have PTSD) that I would get better. Literally a week later he had a girlfriend. I realised that he’d actually just stuck around as my friend for all these years on the off chance that I liked him or would like him.

block him and move on. They ain’t worth it.

 

[BettyCrocker]

This guy really isn’t worth it. Who cares if he’s seeing other people? Leave him to it!!! Cut all contact with him - completely. Delete and BLOCK him on every social media platform. Change your phone number. Just draw a line under it and move on with your life; a guy like this is really honestly not worth it at all. Why waste any more of your time!!

 

[Sunflower91]

Thing is with gaslighting is that it’s a way of controlling you that’s always designed for you to be unaware of it for as long as possible so he can have absolute control. You’re awake to it now but until you cut contact he is always going to try for that control.
The best advice I got was to stop all contact. Don’t allow it in your life. And to not wait for an apology because you either won’t get one or it will just be a way of trying to creep back into your life/ to make them feel better rather than to give you closure.

Spend some time being you and healing from this- figure out what you want outside of being under control. It’s hard but 100% worth it.

 

[Peakyblinders]

Thing is with gaslighting is that it’s a way of controlling you that’s always designed for you to be unaware of it for as long as possible so he can have absolute control. You’re awake to it now but until you cut contact he is always going to try for that control.
The best advice I got was to stop all contact. Don’t allow it in your life. And to not wait for an apology because you either won’t get one or it will just be a way of trying to creep back into your life/ to make them feel better rather than to give you closure.

Spend some time being you and healing from this- figure out what you want outside of being under control. It’s hard but 100% worth it.

Yes thanks great advice - I did cut all contact and we had zero for weeks - and then he messaged/rang, yes I shouldnt have replied but I did. I have got quite a lot of apologies but as you say it is literally just to make himself feel better in my opinion. Youre right it is very hard, easier said than done but I did it and i was fine its just since he has creeped back I have struggled a bit. x

 

[laughing]

BLOCK HIM AND STOP BEING A VICTIM

 

[Dogtanian]

Seconded. Block him on every social media account you have (and phone).

 

[Eyerolling]

Why are you still letting him follow you on Instagram? What is the point? I hope you have listened to everyone and deleted and blocked by now

 

[Farticus]

I'm probably unusual as I'm a male on here. stumbled across this page when searching google for another topic, I came on and started reading a few forums and great entertainment.
However, this is a serious post. GET OUT....GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN for God's sake. Cut all ties and exit hell by the nearest door.
I was a victim of gaslighting for years, and became so convinced I was wrong that I lost everything.
Even now that I am going through divorce it is still happening. You think you can please them by giving them what they want, and when you do, the goalposts move. It's chasing the dragon trying to make them happy, and you will be told, "I don't expect much, just you to show you love me and respect me", respect then becomes doing as they say, walking on eggshells, justifying even being at work or going to the gym. All the while, you are the abusive one, and god help you if you do stand up or question, because you will be told "that's not what I meant" or you are so sensitive.
Now that I finally got the guts to lave my god is she playing the victim. And very convincingly, but thank God people who doubted me are now seeing. It's control, and people who crave control crave chaos. Narcissists. Everything is disrespectful to them. I hardly have a relationship with my children, and the narcissist doesn't care who is caught in the crossfire as long as they control you.
If you want to have any semblance of self worth this time next year please do not let a person like this space in your mind.

 

[Welsh1]

I spent 8 years in a relationship with a man who is the father of my child, at the beginning he was lovely, he was working, had his own place. Then the cannabis addiction kicked in whilst I was pregnant. He always had to be right, he has mental health issues and I would spend hours listening to how he was feeling yet after an argument, he'd say I never listen to him when it comes to his mental health. I ended up in debt as he would nag and nag and nag me for money until I'd give in just to stop the nagging. He has taken away who I was as a person, I'm quite withdrawn now, lack confidence, I have anxiety and even when I see a message come up on my phone, it fills me with dread because its usually him playing games. I left him 4 months ago, he sees our child friday to sunday every week. He has always been a great dad with a lot of time for our child but he is always calling me names, blaming me for his mental health, threatening to commit suicide and now that I've left, he tries to blackmail me and manipulate me by using our child as a weapon saying things like 'If you don't do this or that then I won't have him on weekends'. I feel sad that he puts our child in this situation and me because I end up doing the things he asks for so that it doesn't affect our child. Its such a constant battle with him every day. I work a lot of hours because I provide for me and my son myself, his dad doesn't pay a penny towards his keep, never has done even when we were together because 'thats what my child benefit was for' in his words. Im ranting now but honestly, feel lucky that you are not tied to this idiot with a child and that you've been together for quite a short time. Leave him.

 

[tskiry56]

I spent 8 years in a relationship with a man who is the father of my child, at the beginning he was lovely, he was working, had his own place. Then the cannabis addiction kicked in whilst I was pregnant. He always had to be right, he has mental health issues and I would spend hours listening to how he was feeling yet after an argument, he'd say I never listen to him when it comes to his mental health. I ended up in debt as he would nag and nag and nag me for money until I'd give in just to stop the nagging. He has taken away who I was as a person, I'm quite withdrawn now, lack confidence, I have anxiety and even when I see a message come up on my phone, it fills me with dread because its usually him playing games. I left him 4 months ago, he sees our child friday to sunday every week. He has always been a great dad with a lot of time for our child but he is always calling me names, blaming me for his mental health, threatening to commit suicide and now that I've left, he tries to blackmail me and manipulate me by using our child as a weapon saying things like 'If you don't do this or that then I won't have him on weekends'. I feel sad that he puts our child in this situation and me because I end up doing the things he asks for so that it doesn't affect our child. Its such a constant battle with him every day. I work a lot of hours because I provide for me and my son myself, his dad doesn't pay a penny towards his keep, never has done even when we were together because 'thats what my child benefit was for' in his words. Im ranting now but honestly, feel lucky that you are not tied to this idiot with a child and that you've been together for quite a short time. Leave him.

I'm so sorry for what you went through and i know how hard it is to leave an abuser! You are definitely right it changes you as a person. It has taken me 3 years to deal with the abuse that happened to me so dont put pressure on yourself.
Have you sort support from womens aid or your gp? You could also speak to the Child maintenance service and get your ex to pay- not that you need to. I went as a principle that my ex should pay.
Your ex blaming you for his mental health issues will long term affect your mental health.

 

[Vanessajenkins]

OP I’m glad you are out of that relationship now. From reading your subsequent posts, I think you would benefit from some counselling. You will find someone but I think you need to work on your own self confidence. Being single can be very empowering and you learn a lot about yourself. Don’t settle for any less than you deserve x

 

[Welsh1]

I'm so sorry for what you went through and i know how hard it is to leave an abuser! You are definitely right it changes you as a person. It has taken me 3 years to deal with the abuse that happened to me so dont put pressure on yourself.
Have you sort support from womens aid or your gp? You could also speak to the Child maintenance service and get your ex to pay- not that you need to. I went as a principle that my ex should pay.
Your ex blaming you for his mental health issues will long term affect your mental health.

Thank you. It's been a tough road and its still going on now that I've left. There would be no point in going to the CMS because he claims universal credit so I'd barely get anything so I'll keep working and holding my head up high that I'm providing for him. Before meeting him, I was very secure, had no mental health issues and now my anxiety is sky high some days and I go in to a depression at times. I spoke to womens aid who gave me some tips on how to keep things under my control but it is just so so difficult. Like tonight, he's been txting me saying he's going to commit suicide and its taken all my strength to not go looking for him. He and his choices are not my responsibility. I hope you're feeling better in yourself now and thank you for the message x

 

[tskiry56]

Thank you. It's been a tough road and its still going on now that I've left. There would be no point in going to the CMS because he claims universal credit so I'd barely get anything so I'll keep working and holding my head up high that I'm providing for him. Before meeting him, I was very secure, had no mental health issues and now my anxiety is sky high some days and I go in to a depression at times. I spoke to womens aid who gave me some tips on how to keep things under my control but it is just so so difficult. Like tonight, he's been txting me saying he's going to commit suicide and its taken all my strength to not go looking for him. He and his choices are not my responsibility. I hope you're feeling better in yourself now and thank you for the message x

Be proud of yourself knowing that you dont rely on him. He sounds just like my ex was with the continued threats- its emotional abuse. Can you not cut all contact with him and have someone else deal with him seeing your child.
It's really no surprise to have anxiety when you are treated the way you are.
Put you and your child first.

 

[Welsh1]

Be proud of yourself knowing that you dont rely on him. He sounds just like my ex was with the continued threats- its emotional abuse. Can you not cut all contact with him and have someone else deal with him seeing your child.
It's really no surprise to have anxiety when you are treated the way you are.
Put you and your child first.

Thank you. I am proud of myself as I've overcome a lot. I had a stroke a few years ago whilst I was with him, I was only 26, I recovered from that so I'll recover from this. My parents despise him so getting them to liaise with him instead would turn in to world war 3 and his parents are no longer around so I have to deal with him by myself unfortunately.