Friends (or lack of)

[moomoomama]

I literally have no friends anymore. I realised after a weekend away to London with her and her work friends that I was practically ignored the whole weekend. She invited me about 3 weeks before we went but they’d been planning the trip for months. I was asked to drive there from Birmingham but said I couldn’t because OH would need the car, so it was only then decided we’d all be getting the train, which I had to organise.

I looked back on our friendship and realised that I was always messaging first or I’d never get more than 3/4 texts back before she was ‘too busy’ to reply, I’d always have to pick her up if we finally made plans, I’d get asked to do things with the kids like go the zoo because I drive and she couldn’t get to these places on the bus. to top it off as well we had each other as friends on Facebook but she’d blocked me from seeing anything she posted unless I was tagged in it.

Sucks to be 31 without a single friend.

 

[candyland_]

I literally have no friends anymore. I realised after a weekend away to London with her and her work friends that I was practically ignored the whole weekend. She invited me about 3 weeks before we went but they’d been planning the trip for months. I was asked to drive there from Birmingham but said I couldn’t because OH would need the car, so it was only then decided we’d all be getting the train, which I had to organise.

I looked back on our friendship and realised that I was always messaging first or I’d never get more than 3/4 texts back before she was ‘too busy’ to reply, I’d always have to pick her up if we finally made plans, I’d get asked to do things with the kids like go the zoo because I drive and she couldn’t get to these places on the bus. to top it off as well we had each other as friends on Facebook but she’d blocked me from seeing anything she posted unless I was tagged in it.

Sucks to be 31 without a single friend.

Sounds like she just invites you to use you as free transport. You are well rid of her she sounds like a bleep. Tell her to duck off and use someone else next time she wants something.

 

[Rxt156]

I literally have no friends anymore. I realised after a weekend away to London with her and her work friends that I was practically ignored the whole weekend. She invited me about 3 weeks before we went but they’d been planning the trip for months. I was asked to drive there from Birmingham but said I couldn’t because OH would need the car, so it was only then decided we’d all be getting the train, which I had to organise.

I looked back on our friendship and realised that I was always messaging first or I’d never get more than 3/4 texts back before she was ‘too busy’ to reply, I’d always have to pick her up if we finally made plans, I’d get asked to do things with the kids like go the zoo because I drive and she couldn’t get to these places on the bus. to top it off as well we had each other as friends on Facebook but she’d blocked me from seeing anything she posted unless I was tagged in it.

Sucks to be 31 without a single friend.

Your friend has some balls doesn’t she, gosh. Can’t believe some people can be such users and be so obvious about it. Better off without

 

[Kim Mild]

You will have to ask for her number to keep on touch. I bet she misses talking to you too

I don't see her to ask now. I might see if I can add them on Facebook

 

[Jc456]

I literally have no friends anymore. I realised after a weekend away to London with her and her work friends that I was practically ignored the whole weekend. She invited me about 3 weeks before we went but they’d been planning the trip for months. I was asked to drive there from Birmingham but said I couldn’t because OH would need the car, so it was only then decided we’d all be getting the train, which I had to organise.

I looked back on our friendship and realised that I was always messaging first or I’d never get more than 3/4 texts back before she was ‘too busy’ to reply, I’d always have to pick her up if we finally made plans, I’d get asked to do things with the kids like go the zoo because I drive and she couldn’t get to these places on the bus. to top it off as well we had each other as friends on Facebook but she’d blocked me from seeing anything she posted unless I was tagged in it.

Sucks to be 31 without a single friend.

My "best friend" did that to me on fb too, I don't know if she thought I'd restricted her as I don't post on there anymore so did it back or something else. I only really see her maybe once or twice a year now even though the kids are at the same school (she turns up later and stands away from school and usually gone by time mine comes out of school so we don't really see each other there).

 

[halloweenjellybean]

I always feel like I’m the ‘ service level’ friend. No one ever seems to want to make a relationship go deeper with me. I’ve never had a best friend, I’m now 33. Years ago at school I was told ( when I was 7) that I was getting in the way of friendships and ever since then I think I’ve struggled with friendships.

I see a group of girls every few months. It’s always a struggle to arrange anything as it’s always ‘ it’s either all of us or none of us’ yet I know they see each other multiple times a week. They talk about things I don’t know so I can’t even join in. They don’t ask about me or my family.

The person who I probably considered the closets to a best friend completely ghosted me after I had my baby and her marriage ended due to an affair. I was hung up on that for years as I can’t work out what went wrong.

I always feel like I’m last in the pile to be someone’s friend.

 

[PillowsofFluff]

I also have no friends so just popping in for some love
I don't know what it is about me, but people just don't want to be friends. I had friends in school, but I was always the reserve, you know? Like, if absolutely no one else could hang out, they would hang out with me.
And that's continued into my adult life. I don't particularly like alcohol (though I am not teetotal) so maybe that doesn't help. I get on with people at work, I get on with my partner's friends... but nobody would ever voluntarily spend time with me.
Me and my partner have been engaged for almost 3 years, but I don't know if I ever want to get married as it would become painfully obvious I have no one to ask as a bridesmaid, or to organise a hen do for me etc.
It's a lonely life but I can't help but feel I brought it on myself by being an introvert and preferring to stay in and watch films etc than go out clubbing. I have my daughter though, and I am determined for her not to grow up friendless and unhappy like me.

 

[Sheeeet]

Me and my partner have been engaged for almost 3 years, but I don't know if I ever want to get married as it would become painfully obvious I have no one to ask as a bridesmaid, or to organise a hen do for me etc.

If you want to be married (rather than have "a wedding", if you see what I mean) this shouldn't stop you. I was pretty new to where I live now when I married my husband. I have previously moved around a lot and not kept in touch with people.

We decided, since we were pretty skint, to make it a secret, quick and inexpensive thing. Only told immediate family, my one friend from whom I borrowed a normal dress to get married in and her housemate who made us a cake. They all came to the registry office and we took them for lunch at a local restaurant afterwards. This was 25 years ago and everything together cost about £500.

It was a fun day! Told everyone else after the event and the number of comments I had from women who wished they'd done exactly the same - wow.

It just depends on what you want. Both in terms of a wedding and in terms of friendship. For me, I'm more at peace with myself now I'm older - I'd rather have a couple of friends I only see once or twice a year than a load I'm lukewarm about or who do my head in. I might be alone a lot but I don't feel at all lonely these days.

 

[moomoomama]

My "best friend" did that to me on fb too, I don't know if she thought I'd restricted her as I don't post on there anymore so did it back or something else. I only really see her maybe once or twice a year now even though the kids are at the same school (she turns up later and stands away from school and usually gone by time mine comes out of school so we don't really see each other there).

My OH still has her on Facebook and she likes things he posts regarding our daughter which confuses me even more. Like, we didn’t fall out but her behaviour just doesn’t sit right with me. I’m too old to be dealing with schoolgirl tit.

Sounds like she just invites you to use you as free transport. You are well rid of her she sounds like a bleep. Tell her to duck off and use someone else next time she wants something.

Pretty much! I was there for the birth of her second daughter … only because they didn’t want to get a taxi. At the time I didn’t think anything of it, but looking back it was definitely to just use me. She uses the girls she works with but has passed her driving test in the last week. If I hadn’t have stopped talking to her last year, it would have happened now as she doesn’t need my taxi services any longer.

 

[blossombloss]

I feel the same as a lot of you. I never seem to have friendships on a deeper level and I know it's why I feel so alone, despite having "friends." I'm a reserve friend, or see once in a while but not the talk to regularly.
I recently met a new friend and we've been out once, but I'm unsure of how to keep up a whatsapp chat as we don't know each other well. We kicked it off after a class and went to an event but otherwise I don't know much about her!

Otherwise, it's so hard to make friends and everyone seems to already have a group!

 

[LDNtea]

I also have no friends so just popping in for some love
I don't know what it is about me, but people just don't want to be friends. I had friends in school, but I was always the reserve, you know? Like, if absolutely no one else could hang out, they would hang out with me.
And that's continued into my adult life. I don't particularly like alcohol (though I am not teetotal) so maybe that doesn't help. I get on with people at work, I get on with my partner's friends... but nobody would ever voluntarily spend time with me.
Me and my partner have been engaged for almost 3 years, but I don't know if I ever want to get married as it would become painfully obvious I have no one to ask as a bridesmaid, or to organise a hen do for me etc.
It's a lonely life but I can't help but feel I brought it on myself by being an introvert and preferring to stay in and watch films etc than go out clubbing. I have my daughter though, and I am determined for her not to grow up friendless and unhappy like me.

I missed a lot of school from year 9 onwards tbh but I remember before that, I’d have like one or a few close friends and if they were off school sick I’d be at such a loss cos I had no one else to hang round with! And my close friend would always be more liked than me so if they weren’t there people wouldn’t really bother with me like you say.

If you want to be married (rather than have "a wedding", if you see what I mean) this shouldn't stop you. I was pretty new to where I live now when I married my husband. I have previously moved around a lot and not kept in touch with people.

We decided, since we were pretty skint, to make it a secret, quick and inexpensive thing. Only told immediate family, my one friend from whom I borrowed a normal dress to get married in and her housemate who made us a cake. They all came to the registry office and we took them for lunch at a local restaurant afterwards. This was 25 years ago and everything together cost about £500.

It was a fun day! Told everyone else after the event and the number of comments I had from women who wished they'd done exactly the same - wow.

It just depends on what you want. Both in terms of a wedding and in terms of friendship. For me, I'm more at peace with myself now I'm older - I'd rather have a couple of friends I only see once or twice a year than a load I'm lukewarm about or who do my head in. I might be alone a lot but I don't feel at all lonely these days.

Iv seen something recently about women who wish they’d not spent so much and just done a registry thing then a party or similar. Another idea is my American friends eloped (did the legal bit in USA but flew over to London to kind of do a private wedding thing, dressed up, private vows & photos) as they had memories here. They then had a reception party back home for friends & fam. Nice way to do it and gives you an excuse not to have the whole big wedding.

 

[TheGlossy]

32 and I probably have two friends if I can call them that. I’m honestly super OK with this now. I can lonely at times but I enjoy my own company. I don’t have the bandwidth to maintain a multitude of friendships. Not having a lot of friends made me more introspective than most which is a strength in my opinion. I’m also not your average girl who attends hens and pink baby showers with a group of girls - it’s just not me and I’m OK with that too. It makes me different and it’s a positive trait.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that I don’t need to fit the mold at all. Most interesting people don’t fit the mold at all.

 

[PrettyGreeneyes76]

Glad I found this thread, I hardly have any friends as I seem to attract users and 2 faced people.

I’m still waiting on what I used to think was a good friend to text me back for when she is free to see me, this was 2 months ago and she is active on Facebook a lot but can’t reply to me.

Totally been ghosted

 

[Gymhoned]

This thread is so interesting and tugs at my heart a lot. I suffered from great deal of loneliness in the past and it is incredibly painful. Both family and friends being the source.
Firstly as much as you can have a look at your own behaviour...i absolutely know when i was younger i alienated people with my behaviour...now i dont think lot of it was my fault per sey but i think we go through phases and cycles and your friends at the time may not be the people resilient enough for you as they may be going through stuff themselves.

One thing i have learned is you should not expect too much from friend..theyre not your partner and they have their own lives to lead and sometimes you do get dropped and you will never know why.

Also its never too late to form friendships. Im 42 and i never had friends until i was in my 30s really. I think a lot of that had to do with me being a happier person and not being too dependent on others so friendships happened naturally and now over time i have a handful i can trust. Dont hold grudges...so what if they dont reply..so people just dont..but when youre in their company do you feel happy? Do you feel like they like you and have an interest in you? Thats what matters.
Also, get a pet, go on singles weekends away, join a reading club or walking club. Dont have great expecations you will be surprised how things may develop.

 

[allthingschocolate]

Hi I am new to this thought, and thought I would join as I can so relate to most of your posts in some way or other ! I have no friends to speak of and didn’t know if this was normal and often thought am
I weird I did have mutual friends (if you can call em that) when I was with my ex husband but after he left I lost all of them and some were for the better and honestly showed me there true colours as to how much of a friend they were, some initially were quite supportive of my situation then they ghosted me so I realised quite soon after that I did not deserve or need to have these people in my life. I’ve always been a bit of a loner and never had a huge circle of friends, I have a sister who lives abroad and we aren’t particularly close and can go weeks/months without speaking (If i reach out to her I may get a reply so to speak) and a brother nearby again who doesn’t reach out unless he wants something and yep I am too nice to say no it would be nice if he picked up the phone and asked how I was (I have told him this but nothing changes) I did have a close friend of 10 years + until last year but it was one of those where I had to put in most of the effort and instigate a conversation from her so I stopped reaching out and sure enough she never got in touch with me! I went through tough times last year and didn’t feel she was really there for me as much as I was for her when she went through things I am now 41 and it would be nice to make one/two friends. I am very close to my parents and they have been a rock for me and my daughter who is amazing but sadly like others I have learnt not to depend or rely on people as I’ve always been let down in the past, I have never been particularly popular and like others don’t seem to fit in! I do believe that I have a good heart and that I am a supportive and kind person (so I’ve been told anyway) so I really don’t know why this is the case or where I am going wrong. I recently left a job to start a new one (as my old boss was a narcissistic bully sadly) I had been there some time but they weren’t overly fussed when I left but now I am onto pastures new and my new team seem very nice so far! so I felt like reaching out on here as it helps to know that maybe I’m not a compete loser and like others it’s nice to feel like I’m not alone in this and that there is nothing wrong with me.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Thought I’d post here, but not sure if it relates…

I don’t have any friends. I have a husband, his immediate family & my immediate family, that’s it.

I’m not really bothered about having friends as such, but I’d at least like to be a likeable person.

All through school, uni & with all my jobs so far I’ve always been socially isolated. I had a small friendship group in school, but they weren’t real friends and I was always the least favourite. Same at uni and in jobs, some people have spoken to me, but have always seemed like talking to me is a chore.

In work at the moment, there’s mainly women in their 40s+ & my manager who’s male and the same age as me (27). I just feel like I don’t belong. I never feel included in the conversations. I feel like if I join in I just irritate people or they aren’t interested and if I don’t join in I wonder if I’m making things worse.

Even my dad cut contact when I was 18 and my elder half sister called me poisonous. A “friend” when I was at school said she never chose me because I was boring. A “friend” at uni just stopped speaking to me randomly and a college “friend” said I was attention seeking because I was going through a bad time with my dad…

I feel like I’ve developed a complex. I don’t like myself and I don’t want friends now because I just think I’ll get hurt. I’m also scared to speak half the time because I think if I open my mouth people will instantly dislike me.

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

Without wanting to me-rail your post, I saw what you put on the support thread too and I really resonated with the line about always being the person no one is arsed about. That’s completely me. I genuinely can’t remember the last time someone asked me how I am and actually wanted to know the answer without it being a gateway question to them asking for something or talking about themselves (the irony, I know I’m doing that now 🫠).

I’m the person that people only want when they want something. The person that people will cancel plans on and not think twice about it. A few weekends ago, I went into a proper morbid spiral where I actually considered what would happen if I dropped dead there and then, and how long it would take anyone to notice. If I remove the fact that people would wonder why I hadn’t turned up at work, I reckon it would be a good few weeks.

I have one friend that I text most days, but when it comes to having nights out, going on holidays or generally spending his free time with someone, it’s never me, it’s other people. I tried to make plans with a neighbour earlier this year (her suggestion, not mine) and when the day rolled round, I text her to confirm we were still on, and she said she’d made other plans but had forgotten to tell me. There was a work night out a few weeks ago. Some of us were driving to the venue and offered lifts, and I was the one no one wanted a lift with. Someone invited me out for their birthday a while back and when I text her on the morning of the party to plan which train I should get, she left my message on blue ticks and then text the next day saying she’d forgotten to reply but hoped I’d had a good night anyway.

Things like that happen to me all the time. I don’t really get why. I don’t think I’m particularly odd or boring to be around, but I guess I must be. The longer it goes on, the more I do feel myself withdrawing from trying. I don’t really know where I’m going with this tbh, it feels cathartic to get it out though. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading.

 

[Gymhoned]

I dont have much advice to offer to the last two but here goes.

So often i have felt like no one cares and the whole thing around friendship can be so hard. I think it is brutally true that outside of your parents (if you are lucky enough to have had good ones) no one loves you unconditionally and everyone will put themselves and their immediate families first. Its a sad but true fact. Doesnt mean youre not important to people or matter. Its just friends dont drop everything for you.

Another thing lots of people think they dont matter or get listened to in their friendship groups. I really feel this actually comes from within that person and confidence and self worth. I felt like that for years because in my family no one gave a tit about me. But over the years i have grown in confidence by pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Holidays alone mixing with strangers,hobbies involving meeting other people. Push yourself, increase your self esteem then you will realise its you people should be wanting to be around not you begging others to like you. At the end of the day most people are boring and lead safe conventional lives. What is so amazing about them? They most likely have insecurities too they just cope by projecting on to others they feel are weaker than them.

 

[Woolmercardington]

Without wanting to me-rail your post, I saw what you put on the support thread too and I really resonated with the line about always being the person no one is arsed about. That’s completely me. I genuinely can’t remember the last time someone asked me how I am and actually wanted to know the answer without it being a gateway question to them asking for something or talking about themselves (the irony, I know I’m doing that now 🫠).

I’m the person that people only want when they want something. The person that people will cancel plans on and not think twice about it. A few weekends ago, I went into a proper morbid spiral where I actually considered what would happen if I dropped dead there and then, and how long it would take anyone to notice. If I remove the fact that people would wonder why I hadn’t turned up at work, I reckon it would be a good few weeks.

I have one friend that I text most days, but when it comes to having nights out, going on holidays or generally spending his free time with someone, it’s never me, it’s other people. I tried to make plans with a neighbour earlier this year (her suggestion, not mine) and when the day rolled round, I text her to confirm we were still on, and she said she’d made other plans but had forgotten to tell me. There was a work night out a few weeks ago. Some of us were driving to the venue and offered lifts, and I was the one no one wanted a lift with. Someone invited me out for their birthday a while back and when I text her on the morning of the party to plan which train I should get, she left my message on blue ticks and then text the next day saying she’d forgotten to reply but hoped I’d had a good night anyway.

Things like that happen to me all the time. I don’t really get why. I don’t think I’m particularly odd or boring to be around, but I guess I must be. The longer it goes on, the more I do feel myself withdrawing from trying. I don’t really know where I’m going with this tbh, it feels cathartic to get it out though. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading.

No, I totally relate.

To give a brief example, one friend who I've known for years, we met via a small social group she set up. So, we'd put out suggestions for meeting up to the whole group (five of us) and whoever wanted to go along to an event (theatre, cinema etc) would go.

It was only a few years later (when the group disbanded) that I found out that they would arrange little meet ups between themselves and I was the only one never invited. So A and B would meet for coffee, B and D would take a yoga class, A and D would visit a craft fair, etc. Literally not one if them asked me as individual to do anything. I only knew about the stuff that was put out to the whole group.

I am quite sensitive to not being invited to things. I do have a good friend I met through my theatre group. She literally gets invited to everything where I have been left out on several occasions. Or they will invite her and say to tell me about it, too, like I'm an afterthought or her bloody plus one.

It's honestly been this way forever.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I dont have much advice to offer to the last two but here goes.

So often i have felt like no one cares and the whole thing around friendship can be so hard. I think it is brutally true that outside of your parents (if you are lucky enough to have had good ones) no one loves you unconditionally and everyone will put themselves and their immediate families first. Its a sad but true fact. Doesnt mean youre not important to people or matter. Its just friends dont drop everything for you.

Another thing lots of people think they dont matter or get listened to in their friendship groups. I really feel this actually comes from within that person and confidence and self worth. I felt like that for years because in my family no one gave a tit about me. But over the years i have grown in confidence by pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Holidays alone mixing with strangers,hobbies involving meeting other people. Push yourself, increase your self esteem then you will realise its you people should be wanting to be around not you begging others to like you. At the end of the day most people are boring and lead safe conventional lives. What is so amazing about them? They most likely have insecurities too they just cope by projecting on to others they feel are weaker than them.

I get what you’re saying, but I don’t think this really applies to me, particularly not the first bit.

I didn’t have parents that loved me unconditionally. I have a dad that doesn’t love me at all and a mum that doesn’t love me enough. I didn’t grow up feeling loved or special or important, so I don’t expect my friends (or past friends I should say) or anyone else to drop everything for me. I’m a very independent person, emotionally & physically. I’ve always been the type of friend who doesn’t ask for much, apart from the odd time I’ve wanted a little emotional support (like when my dad fucked me off).

I’ve definitely never begged to be liked & I wouldn’t. Like I said before, I don’t really want close friends as close relationships equal hurt in my eyes. I just want to be treated with a little bit of respect. Rather than me always being ignored or made to feel like I’m not allowed to be there. I’ve tried the whole thing of putting my self out there and being confident and it wasn’t me and it just didn’t work or help really. If I speak I’m shunned, if I don’t speak im shunned.

I think for me I’ve just developed a complex that I’m not good enough. I think sometimes I just need to get it off my chest and speak to people that feel the same so that I don’t feel so alien.

Sorry I’m not saying you’re wrong or whatever, but it’s just my situation is different.