Friends (or lack of)

[yogiessexdubs]

Thank you so much! Your message means the world. I'm so sorry for your loss too. I'm still reeling from my brothers passing and the lack of friends who showed up for me. When something like this happens, it makes you reassess everything doesn't it? The time and energy you waste on people who are not worth even a fraction of it becomes so clear.
I'm now focused on my own physical and mental health, finishing my degree this year my daughter and close family. Life is a gift that can be taken anytime so it's best to focus on yourself and loved ones. The people who are meant to be in your life will stay. Sending you so much love back.

It is very hurtful, I remember not understanding why, how could people be so harsh when I asked for nothing? .. Bottom line is most people only think of themselves. Just an example for you - I has someone extremely close to me refuse to come to the funeral because someone they didn't like would probably be there (generally treated me awfully).
Also, as time goes on you will notice how people are almost slightly envious at how you pick yourself back up. I remember feeling like people were okay with me being 'broken'.
You will get through this, I promise you darling. You will never be the same version of yourself again & you will look at the world entirely differently & that is all okay. I am so pleased you have your daughter. If you ever need to speak, please reach out.

 

[BessieB]

It is very hurtful, I remember not understanding why, how could people be so harsh when I asked for nothing? .. Bottom line is most people only think of themselves. Just an example for you - I has someone extremely close to me refuse to come to the funeral because someone they didn't like would probably be there (generally treated me awfully).
Also, as time goes on you will notice how people are almost slightly envious at how you pick yourself back up. I remember feeling like people were okay with me being 'broken'.
You will get through this, I promise you darling. You will never be the same version of yourself again & you will look at the world entirely differently & that is all okay. I am so pleased you have your daughter. If you ever need to speak, please reach out.

I'm so sorry, that is shocking. I had a similiar situation. A 'friend' of many years didn't mention coming to my brothers funeral at all, when I asked her about it (which I found embarrassing) she made up some excuse about being ill the week before (not covid) and the funeral was not for another week. Even if she didn't want to attend we had arranged a live stream as have family friends in different parts of the country and some isolating. Despite having known my family since my brother was little, she wasn't interested in that either. That was the final straw for me. She never even picked up the phone and had a conversation after we heard the news, my grief seemed to be an inconvenience
Are you doing ok now? I really hope so.
I have no idea how to DM on this site as new to it, but if you know how to, you can message me anytime

 

[yogiessexdubs]

I'm so sorry, that is shocking. I had a similiar situation. A 'friend' of many years didn't mention coming to my brothers funeral at all, when I asked her about it (which I found embarrassing) she made up some excuse about being ill the week before (not covid) and the funeral was not for another week. Even if she didn't want to attend we had arranged a live stream as have family friends in different parts of the country and some isolating. Despite having known my family since my brother was little, she wasn't interested in that either. That was the final straw for me. She never even picked up the phone and had a conversation after we heard the news, my grief seemed to be an inconvenience
Are you doing ok now? I really hope so.
I have no idea how to DM on this site as new to it, but if you know how to, you can message me anytime

That is exactly what happened to me. We all grew up together. My friend never rang when we got the news, weeks later she said she didn't call because 'I didn't want you to think I was being nosey'.
Yes, I'm doing okay thank you. I live abroad & don't have much to do with my family but that's another story!
I don't think you can here, but I have an anon Insta, feel free to mesg me there if you'd like: @yogiessexlondondubai

 

[BessieB]

That is exactly what happened to me. We all grew up together. My friend never rang when we got the news, weeks later she said she didn't call because 'I didn't want you to think I was being nosey'.
Yes, I'm doing okay thank you. I live abroad & don't have much to do with my family but that's another story!
I don't think you can here, but I have an anon Insta, feel free to mesg me there if you'd like: @yogiessexlondondubai

I'll look for you

 

[suzuka]

It is very hurtful, I remember not understanding why, how could people be so harsh when I asked for nothing? .. Bottom line is most people only think of themselves. Just an example for you - I has someone extremely close to me refuse to come to the funeral because someone they didn't like would probably be there (generally treated me awfully).
Also, as time goes on you will notice how people are almost slightly envious at how you pick yourself back up. I remember feeling like people were okay with me being 'broken'.

I feel this.

I was accused of being selfish and self-centered for choosing to attend a work related event for only half a day and arrive to a hen party in the evening to spend the rest of the weekend there. Also called selfish for not prioritizing going to another town to see the wedding dress of the same person in the week where I got food poisoning, barely recovered, and after having health issues due to months of grieving. Coming from friends of 10+ years. Seeing it written shocks me all over again. I will never understand it, but good riddance.

 

[yogiessexdubs]

I feel this.

I was accused of being selfish and self-centered for choosing to attend a work related event for only half a day and arrive to a hen party in the evening to spend the rest of the weekend there. Also called selfish for not prioritizing going to another town to see the wedding dress of the same person in the week where I got food poisoning, barely recovered, and after having health issues due to months of grieving. Coming from friends of 10+ years. Seeing it written shocks me all over again. I will never understand it, but good riddance.

Ah that is awful, so sorry you had to go through that. I'm so glad you stayed true to yourself.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

I never replied back to one of my friends back in feb/March. She would take days/weeks to reply and I realised I wasn’t getting anything of this friendship. I bumped into her a few weeks ago (awkward) and we said we should have a proper catch up over a few drinks and food. I messaged her to arrange it and that was a week ago and she still hasn’t opened the WhatsApp.
That saying… if they wanted to, they would, springs to mind.
I wish I’d never messaged her to arrange anything.

 

[Gloria Rostron]

I never replied back to one of my friends back in feb/March. She would take days/weeks to reply and I realised I wasn’t getting anything of this friendship. I bumped into her a few weeks ago (awkward) and we said we should have a proper catch up over a few drinks and food. I messaged her to arrange it and that was a week ago and she still hasn’t opened the WhatsApp.
That saying… if they wanted to, they would, springs to mind.
I wish I’d never messaged her to arrange anything.

Did anything happen before she stopped replying/took a long time to reply? I am just wondering if she is annoyed at something. Otherwise, it sounds like she is not worth your efforts.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Did anything happen before she stopped replying/took a long time to reply? I am just wondering if she is annoyed at something. Otherwise, it sounds like she is not worth your efforts.

The last time I heard from her was her asking me if I’d managed to sort out the favour she asked me to do (I had done & she would have found out anyway from someone else) so I didn’t bother replying. Maybe she thought I was annoyed her and that’s why I didn’t reply? I just can’t be arsed with half assed friends.

 

[LDNtea]

I’ve a friend who just didn’t reply to my messages last year (we’d not seen each other for a while but I didn’t think she was above just.. going for a drink at least?) we used to be BFFs. We have another friend where I’d be the 3rd wheel bc those 2 were closer… which I was fine with… it sucks but it’s life. Anyway that friend is getting married next month & I guessed a couple months ago I wasn’t invited as I work with her mum and she told me it’s October and I’ve not been invited (it’s now 1st oct lol) and I saw they were on the hen do last week, so definitely not invited

of course, I understand from their POV they’ve not seen me for ages (life happened.). I knew we wouldn’t be like BFFs again necessarily… it just sucks to realise it’s more deliberate and they don’t even respond to your messages to go for a stupid drink (I sent about 15 in the end before giving up, maybe more). And that not being invited etc is obviously deliberate even if just in the sense of “didn’t even think of her to invite her”.

I’m used to being on my own, but sometimes it does get lonely. And I don’t know what I did.

 

[Woolmercardington]

Do people here find it really hard to fit into groups?

I'm much better when interacting with just 1-3 people but in a larger group, I absolutely sink without trace, and these days tend to exclude myself before being excluded.

Like, I've never been 'one of the girls' - quite tough for me as I work in an all female office and I'm such the odd one out. No one is unfriendly but I just can't fit in. I know I would be totally different if it was just three or four of us but any more than that and I just can't come out of my shell.

Anyone experience similar?

 

[milkywaymelon]

Do people here find it really hard to fit into groups?

I'm much better when interacting with just 1-3 people but in a larger group, I absolutely sink without trace, and these days tend to exclude myself before being excluded.

Like, I've never been 'one of the girls' - quite tough for me as I work in an all female office and I'm such the odd one out. No one is unfriendly but I just can't fit in. I know I would be totally different if it was just three or four of us but any more than that and j just can't come out of my shell.

Anyone experience similar?

You could be describing me!! I've never had a big group of friends. I don't shine in groups but one on one I get on with people really well.

 

[Woolmercardington]

Yes, I'm very friendly with people on a 1:1 and small group basis but feel very shy, unconfident and self-concious with more than that.

I know in those situations I probably seem distant or aloof or just outright boring

 

[BonBon27]

I’m so fed up with feeling insecure about friendships. I’m 40 and I still worry if people really like me, still feel left out, still stress over if I’m too much. I want to message people to check in with them and organise things, and if I don’t then I wouldn’t see anyone, but do people find me like an annoying stalker?!? I don’t know.
I think part of the problem for me is that the people I’m closest to have other friends who they would put above me. They’ve known them longer or their kids are the same ages or they’re family friends or whatever. So I always end up feeling left out or on the edge of things. It’s happened tonight as I know for a fact one of my friends has a house full for her daughter’s birthday, and even though my daughter is really close to the birthday girl we’re not invited but the mum’s friends who they’ve known forever (who don’t have kids) are. I can’t help but feel hurt because she’s one of my closest friends who I see all the time on the school run etc, even though I know logically I should just brush it off because everyone’s living their lives and not intentionally setting out to hurt me.

 

[shadowcat5]

I’m so fed up with feeling insecure about friendships. I’m 40 and I still worry if people really like me, still feel left out, still stress over if I’m too much. I want to message people to check in with them and organise things, and if I don’t then I wouldn’t see anyone, but do people find me like an annoying stalker?!? I don’t know.
I think part of the problem for me is that the people I’m closest to have other friends who they would put above me. They’ve known them longer or their kids are the same ages or they’re family friends or whatever. So I always end up feeling left out or on the edge of things. It’s happened tonight as I know for a fact one of my friends has a house full for her daughter’s birthday, and even though my daughter is really close to the birthday girl we’re not invited but the mum’s friends who they’ve known forever (who don’t have kids) are. I can’t help but feel hurt because she’s one of my closest friends who I see all the time on the school run etc, even though I know logically I should just brush it off because everyone’s living their lives and not intentionally setting out to hurt me.

I find this too. I’m always the second or last option. If it’s not friends it’s boyfriends. I can understand now we’re older but at 18 it always seemed ridiculous

 

[theweekend]

Do people here find it really hard to fit into groups?

I'm much better when interacting with just 1-3 people but in a larger group, I absolutely sink without trace, and these days tend to exclude myself before being excluded.

Like, I've never been 'one of the girls' - quite tough for me as I work in an all female office and I'm such the odd one out. No one is unfriendly but I just can't fit in. I know I would be totally different if it was just three or four of us but any more than that and I just can't come out of my shell.

Anyone experience similar?

Yes! But tbh I always feel like other people act weirder in groups!? As in, you can have such a nice night catching up with 1 or 2 other people - talking, drinking and having fun etc - but when those same people are in a bigger group they’ll SHOUT and SCREAM over each other, and just generally be so brash and obnoxious and completely different people? Lit sometimes my friends will put on a full cockney accent and I’m like… Who are you rn?!

But yes, that is just not a level of my personality that is there to unlock so I do feel really boring and deadpan.

 

[Laughingforlife]

I know social media isn't real, but I do ge for this group I'm talking about there's no reason for them all not to get on.
I see them all on Instagram, and they all seem to have multiple different groups.
I have one or two friends, and I can't imagine being able to get a bit group together like that, and have a great time? It makes me feel quite lonely sometimes.
I am an introvert, but sometimes I'd just love to have lots of different people to see.

 

[~vix~83~]

I’d love to have a big group of friends. But in reality i have 1 really close friend n i see her once a week and we txt every day without fail.
o have other friends but don’t see them really unless I arrange something.
During lockdown we did a street get together on my Garden once a week. Said we would keep doing it eventually go to the local club house etc….they have done that but I wasn’t invited! Which hurt so much. I only knew about it cos I went for a walk by myself n saw them all sat outside drinkin.,,they said hello but that was it! But earlier on in the day i spoke to one of them n said I’d really love a night out let my hair down…but nothing was said then!

 

[Laughingforlife]

For some reason a lot of people have their birthdays today, so cue all the birthday stories. Imagine having that many friends.

 

[Lady Die]

Wow, this thread was an eye-opener! I hadn't realized so many people had bad experiences at school....

I wasn't overtly bullied at secondary school, but my so-called 'friends' gave me the cold-shoulder, talked about me behind my back, and would exclude me from get-togethers. (This was after they'd ganged up on my closest friend and refused to let her back into the friendship group, and eventually she switched school - I should have understood from that they were toxic people). This continued for years, until I managed to find another friendship group, but by then there were only about 7 months of 6th form left. So yeah, spent most of my teen years incredibly lonely. It's nice (I guess?) to see I'm not the only one.

The experience really knocked my confidence, so although I seemingly made lots of friends at university, I didn't make any proper lasting friendships and have stayed in touch with virtually no-one. Also had a lot of men 'befriend' me and then get annoyed when they realize I just want to be friends. It wasn't until my mid-twenties that I started having really strong female friendships, and could finally trust people actually liked me and wanted to spend time with me. I still feel very shy in group situations though!!

I've sort of made peace with the fact I'll never have one large group of friends, but I have a handful of good friends that I've met through different things, and maybe another handful that I'd meet still meet 1:1. However, recently I've felt that I'm bottom of everyone's priority list because everyone has their own life / families and the pandemic has definitely made a lot more of my friends anti-social (they're WFHing so won't bother to come into central London). Decided to not proactively make plans with people and see how long it gets before they get in touch, and yeah... it's a bit discouraging! Could have used the support as I'm going through some very complex health stuff, but like, I don't want to feel like a burden!