Friends (or lack of)

[Lonewolf]

So I discovered yesterday that my 2 ‘closest’ friends went for an afternoon tea with their kids and another friend they openly witch about but didn’t ask me or my daughter.
Was meant to go for a walk with my friend and her kid, she cancelled and then put a photo on Instagram of her on the same walk with a different friend.
Also found out that my ‘friend’ hasn’t posted my daughter Christmas present as she isn’t that organised. Christmas is hardly a surprise is it.
went to bed feeling properly tit and lonely

Sounds like you should leave these so called "friends " in 2021

 

[Lonewolf]

Would like to wish all on this thread a very Happy Christmas

 

[Lady_H]

I've read all 25 pages, and it helps knowing that many other people feel the same way, that it's completely normal.

Has anyone experienced friendships ending while you're in grief over losing someone closest to you?

I've been so social in my 20s, no one had ever put so much effort into friendships, little gestures, big gestures, never missing out on significant dates, organizing events, trips, hosting at my own place, never expecting vice-versa in the same way, but I just wanted to believe it will be enough for them to stick when tit hits the fan. Unfortunately, it was textbook disappearing when tit did hit the fan.
They were there on the funeral day, and then completely forgot about it, like nothing happened. No one dropped by my place to see how I was unless I specifically invited them, no one organized something for a weekend to take my mind off things, unless I organized it myself. And they've judged me when they didn't agree with the priorities I chose for myself. Those were the 10+ years of friendship, those with less just disappeared.

On the other hand, I've had some good success recently and I've received SO many messages of congratulations from the same people I haven't heard in years. Left me baffled.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but if anyone can relate to this it would help a bit.

It is shocking to go through something like this. However the only thing I can say is that you have to lose someone to know how it feels and what is needed during this time, and not to be too hard on those who let you down. Until you lose someone close to you you have absolutely no idea. Remember that death brings out the best and worst in people. It can frighten people or just bring up stuff they’re not ready or willing to deal with.

I do know that forgiveness requires you to be the much bigger person.

I almost lost a very good friend in my early 30s because of my inability to respond to the death of her mum. I had no idea how to deal with it so I just ignored it and her for months. She finally got back in touch and we had a very difficult but ultimately good conversation in which we were able to talk through what we had both gone through during those months including how let down she had felt. She was incredibly gracious and authentic and I was ashamed of my behaviour. But her response and willingness to forgive and be my friend despite my crap behaviour absolutely cemented that friendship.

Many years and losses later I get it. When I lost my parents I was really struck by the difference between those who were able to acknowledge it and talk to me, and those who just couldn’t. Age and experience had a lot to do with it. But also with experience I can’t condemn people who don’t know what to do with death because I was once there myself.

 

[LDNtea]

I don’t think this issue belongs in the lack of friends thread anymore. Advice forum is where the marriage train wrecks happen. But I do want to hear how it all goes down.

Thanks for the heads up might check those threads out LOL

I had this problem in the past with so called friends & social media and I found limiting their stories or muting then quite beneficial, after a while I completely deleted them of my socials out of sight out of mind

Yeah…. It’s a dumb one where every time I think about completely doing that I actually feel guilty bc I’m like omg but that’s Becky HOW could I not be friends with her I love her? Then I remember she’s aired me for ages LOL

I do find making new friends difficult. I am very selective. I do have a good few friends just a lot of them live far from me. So we don’t meet up as regularly as we used to. When I meet new people I am either super awkward or I can connect really easily. No in between. I think it’s due to my upbringing and I’ve had some trauma in my childhood so I find it hard to connect and trust people. So I immediately shut down.
What I find most interesting about myself is I shut down in large groups. I can’t think of anything to say, I’m happy to be in the background, I appear cold or bored but I’m just shy and hesitant, I judge myself in my head and feel anything I have to say it’s not valuable, I go through scenarios in my head after I relive the moment.
Once I feel comfortable I am fun, super chilled and sweet caring person and not shy. Clearly that won’t show on first impressions.
Any suggestions on how I overcome this ?

Sounds just like me, I realised earlier this year I’m actually autistic which explains a lot of this actually all these traits can be autism! I don’t have much advice lol as I’m still working through it myself but , it has helped to understand my brain and..

I read a fab book which actually I think a lot of people on this thread might benefit from reading whether you’re autistic or not. It explains a lot about human socialising patterns and conversations including how friendships are often more strategic allyships for Neurotypical people - which would explain why we have all experienced very fickle friends before!

Anyway check it out.

 

[TheGlossy]

Do some of you wish you could start all over again somewhere else and meet new people?

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Do some of you wish you could start all over again somewhere else and meet new people?

I always do. My plan was to go traveling and end up in Australia and stay there so I could essentially start all over again but with covid that’s never going to happen

 

[Maid22]

Do some of you wish you could start all over again somewhere else and meet new people?

Years ago i really wanted to move away, but my oh wasn't keen on the idea.
I actually don't think it would have made any difference to meeting new friends though, I always thought I was a good friend, but have been tit on by so called friends that I really don't want or trust anyone again.

 

[OldyB]

I don’t think this issue belongs in the lack of friends thread anymore. Advice forum is where the marriage train wrecks happen. But I do want to hear how it all goes down.

Would love to hear an update on how this ended, wonder what she's like on anything more serious than an Xmas party, purposely ruining something like that

I am not lying to him , I am going out for a food/ treats around Christmas time to a premises that likely has decorations and festive items on the menu . There is no part of what I said that is a lie .

It might be pettiness to make arrangements on the same day as someone else's but I find it a bit offensive to be accused of lying .

This might explain why you're on a thread about having no friends if you're deliberately deceitful to loved ones, what are you like to everyone else?

 

[candyland_]

Anyone else have an an annual end of year friend sort out? There’s some people that won’t make it into my 2022 with a silent cut off.

 

[halloweenbean]

Anyone else have an an annual end of year friend sort out? There’s some people that won’t make it into my 2022 with a silent cut off.

I wish I was brave enough to do this but I already have a small circle that I honestly wouldn’t have anyone left.

 

[TheGlossy]

I think I'm ready for a renewal of my circle in 2022 (well, depending on how COVID evolves). I've become a completely different person since this COVID journey started and I now realize I don't have the energy nor the willingness to maintain connections with people I haven't seen since before COVID, especially if they live overseas.

I think once you hit you 30s, friendships become different. Most of my adult "friends" I met around 25 when I had just started my career, lived with roommates, single and had no a care in the world. I'm now 31 and things have changed tremendously. I worked really hard to gain independence on various levels that my expectations in terms of relationships have now completely changed because I'm not longer at that stage where I'm happy to be friends with just anyone to prove I have friends. I've become a bit more secure in who I am (and far more private) to the point where I'd rather have no friends than have fleeting friendships with do not align with who I am.

 

[Kim Mild]

Would love to hear an update on how this ended, wonder what she's like on anything more serious than an Xmas party, purposely ruining something like that


This might explain why you're on a thread about having no friends if you're deliberately deceitful to loved ones, what are you like to everyone else?

I don't see how me going somewhere ruins his Christmas party. The two occasions aren't intertwined which each other . If anything got ruined , it was the next day cos he was that hungover and was sick and then we didn't do anything.

But for anyone who is interested, myself and my youngest went to a nearby village and they had gingerbread man and I had a Christmas cake slice with gold frosting ( which was a bit sickly). Not sure how that is so deceitful? It's not like I'm spending the grocery money on fine dining .

Are the people who comment on this thread supposed to sit in the house alone moping about it ? It sounds like people actually do think that .

 

[Influencing is not a job]

I don't see how me going somewhere ruins his Christmas party. The two occasions aren't intertwined which each other . If anything got ruined , it was the next day cos he was that hungover and was sick and then we didn't do anything.



But for anyone who is interested, myself and my youngest went to a nearby village and they had gingerbread man and I had a Christmas cake slice with gold frosting ( which was a bit sickly). Not sure how that is so deceitful? It's not like I'm spending the grocery money on fine dining .



Are the people who comment on this thread supposed to sit in the house alone moping about it ? It sounds like people actually do think that .

Your original comment sounded as though you were making up a Christmas date with your youngest on the same day as your husbands Christmas party, which sounded spiteful. You also could've picked any other day but had to pick the same day as your husbands Christmas party all becuase he asked you if you were having a Christmas do? We were confused why you would do that and you still haven't really explained it to be honest.

 

[Kim Mild]

Your original comment sounded as though you were making up a Christmas date with your youngest on the same day as your husbands Christmas party, which sounded spiteful. You also could've picked any other day but had to pick the same day as your husbands Christmas party all becuase he asked you if you were having a Christmas do? We were confused why you would do that and you still haven't really explained it to be honest.

He asked me if I was going any Christmas parties. He knew fine well I hadn't mentioned any . I usually find outings need a lot of planning / pre-organising .
Anyway, I thought I fancied going to this place I went to , so I thought I'd go that day. There wasn't too many days to choose before the school holidays. Good job I didn't organise anything for the next day with him being so hungover. But having things ( potentially) ruined for me wouldn't be an issue.

Not sure why need to explain to strangers on the Internet

 

[Influencing is not a job]

He asked me if I was going any Christmas parties. He knew fine well I hadn't mentioned any . I usually find outings need a lot of planning / pre-organising .
Anyway, I thought I fancied going to this place I went to , so I thought I'd go that day. There wasn't too many days to choose before the school holidays. Good job I didn't organise anything for the next day with him being so hungover. But having things ( potentially) ruined for me wouldn't be an issue.

Not sure why need to explain to strangers on the Internet

You came to strangers on the internet for a rant and advice, we weren't sure how to help you because none of us could understand your point of view.

 

[Kim Mild]

You came to strangers on the internet for a rant and advice, we weren't sure how to help you because none of us could understand your point of view.

Posts on the advice threads are often brain dumps in the heat of the moment .

 

[Sheabutter]

I definitely feel like I’m grieving a friendship these past few days. There’s no other way to explain the roller coaster of emotions and thoughts going through my head. I had a bad friendship for a dozen reasons and left it - I was the one frequently getting in touch anyhow. I didn’t hear from this person at all during the pandemic. I wasn’t hoping for them to get in touch either. However, I had a look at their public Facebook during lockdown. There were posts that reminded me of why I wasn’t friends with them. Earlier this week I took a look at the Facebook page again and saw all of those posts were gone. Now I can see pictures of me on their wall and the only public post is a fundraiser. If you want to be friends pick up the phone. It’s a two way street. It irks me to no end that I put up with this person for so long.

 

[Millennial Pink]

So many experiences on this thread are so like mine.

I realised that I'm probably autistic this year and a lot of my issues with making and keeping friends partly stem from that. I think I've been way too quick to cut people out in the past and I should have worked on communication much more.

At the moment, I have my boyfriend and 'work friends' and that's about it. I'm rubbish at keeping in touch with people and I just assume I'm a complete inconvenience to them. Luckily, I need a lot of alone time and I like my own company. I have hobbies that don't require other people too much and I like the brief but pleasant social interactions you can get from volunteering or going on a work call. My only friend outside of work (lives miles away) I've been drifting apart from for the past several years, which is completely natural, but the idea of only having work friends who I would almost certainly lose touch with if they left is a bit depressing. Before me and my boyfriend got together, I would often spend weekends and annual leave completely alone. I wouldn't be lonely as such, but I would have liked someone to do things with.

What worries me is the possibility of not having anyone I could call on in an emergency (I don't have family around- for the best) and I remember not having anyone to pick me up from the hospital a few years ago when I had a minor procedure done. I'll just try to worry about that if/when it happens.

I can see why people value romantic relationships much more than friendships as they get older- friendships can be so flaky, and large groups can be very toxic. I do think that friends come and go, and it's difficult to remain close to someone if they're in a completely different stage of life to you. Most of the rubbish you see from groups of women on social media is pure fiction. In my experience, they all hate each other and only want to 'look' popular. I don't think men are that much better, either. My boyfriend has a circle of male friends from his schooldays and they're always bitching about each other

 

[Here for gossip]

Am 32 year old single mum from northern Ireland have always struggled making and keeping friends I literally don't have one single Friend I hate logging into Facebook seeing pictures of people all going out together it really gets me down and depressed I feel like am the only person who has nobody so am happy seeing this thread

 

[halloweenbean]

Am 32 year old single mum from northern Ireland have always struggled making and keeping friends I literally don't have one single Friend I hate logging into Facebook seeing pictures of people all going out together it really gets me down and depressed I feel like am the only person who has nobody so am happy seeing this thread

I totally can relate this about Facebook. It’s definitely a kick in the teeth to log on and see people you thought were friends always tagging each other and doing stuff. I’m definitely going to delete it in the new year.
So I’m meant to be seeing my friend tomorrow, we’ve had this planned for months ( lol) and she then messages back to say that she has other plans in the afternoon now and so my visit will now have to be quick. Even though it’s like an hour trip for me to get there.
the friend who didn’t post my daughters Christmas present didn’t even message to say thank you for her childrens presents. She also got a puppy on Boxing Day and added a photo to insta. All these comments and she replied to them all like ‘ you must come round’ ‘ bring the kids’ and I added a comment and all I got was a like. She also left my WhatsApp message on read. My husband said he doesn’t know why I bother and I think, I think I’m finally coming round to the blinding obvious that I think my friendships are more important then the other people do.