Friends (or lack of) #2

[mee43]

I’ve just caved and messaged a friend that I’ve not heard from for a couple of weeks.

Was going to leave it to her to message if/when she thought of it, but I do genuinely care that people around me are doing ok if I don’t hear from them.

But then again it would be nice if others checked in on me now and again - a couple of days ago I was having a real rough day; it would have really cheered me up if someone - anyone - just messaged to say hi

 

[justonemorepage]

I am done. Just plain done. I've given the particular friend I've mentioned before the benefit of the doubt and messaged her back. Silence. Once again. So I reached out to other friends. Silence or excuses of why they can't meet up. Ended up going out on my own. duck everyone.

 

[cococookie]

Messaged a friend I haven’t seen in a while to say it would be nice to meet up. She replied pretty quickly and said she will be busy this month but to let her know when I’m free, so I replied with the days I’m free but she hasn’t even bothered to read it. I sent it three days ago. When I’ve messaged in the past she takes days to reply but is always on Facebook. I shouldn’t have bothered.

I just think it is so rude to ignore someone who is supposed to be a friend and is trying to make the effort to see you.

 

[hytuhh]

Messaged a friend I haven’t seen in a while to say it would be nice to meet up. She replied pretty quickly and said she will be busy this month but to let her know when I’m free, so I replied with the days I’m free but she hasn’t even bothered to read it. I sent it three days ago. When I’ve messaged in the past she takes days to reply but is always on Facebook. I shouldn’t have bothered.

I just think it is so rude to ignore someone who is supposed to be a friend and is trying to make the effort to see you.

Whenever this happens to me, I use it as a chance to decide if I actually want this person in my life. When they’ve purposely not read a message for days when you’ve been discussing meeting up, it’s usually the end for me. Yes it hurts but at least you know you did everything you could and you don’t need to waste any more time trying to be a friend to someone

 

[Popcornshovel]

Messaged a friend I haven’t seen in a while to say it would be nice to meet up. She replied pretty quickly and said she will be busy this month but to let her know when I’m free, so I replied with the days I’m free but she hasn’t even bothered to read it. I sent it three days ago. When I’ve messaged in the past she takes days to reply but is always on Facebook. I shouldn’t have bothered.

I just think it is so rude to ignore someone who is supposed to be a friend and is trying to make the effort to see you.

You're right, it is rude of them. They'll end up with no one in their lives if that's how they treat people.

 

[katyazamo]

Does anyone else feel like it's harder and harder to get your friends to agree or commit to anything?

I've got tickets to a gig in two weeks which I'm meant to be going to with a friend. I bought the tickets, no big deal but she hasn't paid me back. Now she's starting to drip feed the excuses. She "doesn't think she can go anymore" because she's skint, she's busy with work, she's not been feeling well. And so on...

I got sick of hearing it so messaged her (after a wine, lol) and said sorry to hear you don't think you can come, someone at work was actually looking for a ticket so I'll sell your ticket to them instead, it's a shame you'll miss it but the ticket will go to a good home. No reply yet

I mean, just cut the tit. This isn't an isolated incident either. It's near impossible to get anyone to do anything. I've stopped asking for the most part, any time I'd ask someone to do something it would just be excuse after excuse. Either come or don't, IDGAF anymore.

 

[whoareyouu]

Does anyone else feel like it's harder and harder to get your friends to agree or commit to anything?

I've got tickets to a gig in two weeks which I'm meant to be going to with a friend. I bought the tickets, no big deal but she hasn't paid me back. Now she's starting to drip feed the excuses. She "doesn't think she can go anymore" because she's skint, she's busy with work, she's not been feeling well. And so on...

I got sick of hearing it so messaged her (after a wine, lol) and said sorry to hear you don't think you can come, someone at work was actually looking for a ticket so I'll sell your ticket to them instead, it's a shame you'll miss it but the ticket will go to a good home. No reply yet

I mean, just cut the tit. This isn't an isolated incident either. It's near impossible to get anyone to do anything. I've stopped asking for the most part, any time I'd ask someone to do something it would just be excuse after excuse. Either come or don't, IDGAF anymore.

Sadly that’s why I’ve booked to go to a gig on my own. Sick of missing out because people are unreliable.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Ffs I mentioned a few pages ago about being constantly asked if I’m going on holiday by work colleagues. Now my granny is asking me

 

[ChastityDingle]

Does anyone else feel like it's harder and harder to get your friends to agree or commit to anything?

I've got tickets to a gig in two weeks which I'm meant to be going to with a friend. I bought the tickets, no big deal but she hasn't paid me back. Now she's starting to drip feed the excuses. She "doesn't think she can go anymore" because she's skint, she's busy with work, she's not been feeling well. And so on...

I got sick of hearing it so messaged her (after a wine, lol) and said sorry to hear you don't think you can come, someone at work was actually looking for a ticket so I'll sell your ticket to them instead, it's a shame you'll miss it but the ticket will go to a good home. No reply yet

I mean, just cut the tit. This isn't an isolated incident either. It's near impossible to get anyone to do anything. I've stopped asking for the most part, any time I'd ask someone to do something it would just be excuse after excuse. Either come or don't, IDGAF anymore.

You're absolutely right to sell the ticket.
It's far better than ending up missing the gig, while they drag their heels, and you losing out on the money.

If there's nobody interested, or they are humming and hawing at me, I go alone. I say to myself, if it's a choice of staying home, missing out on something I want to see or do, or going...I'm going.

 

[Beaversabout]

I just think sometimes people would rather be friends with other people who like to drink, have man problems, enjoy drama and attention etc. But the people who aren't into these kinda things get snubbed. Im not boring! I just prefer real conversations and real people. This is hard to find. Im really fed up of the fakeness. The Snapchat pictures of my old 'friends' are ridiculously filtered. Or posting a picture of something completely stupid and pointless just for attention. Or giving me their shallow opinions and dumb advice on things they have no clue about themselves. Or just being mean but disguising it as being helpful. I've basically had tit friends but these people have friends! I think everyone just see's what they want to see. Or they don't have self any awareness.

If you are single, with no children and early 30's it's extremely hard to find friends!!! I've tried and am still trying. It's exhausting.

 

[starsandsky]

Morning everyone. I've read your posts with lots of interest.

I can really resonate with what lots of you are saying. My 'problem' is that I have an avoidant attachment style so I am really really independent. I grew up in an alcoholic household and I have always been so used to sorting everything myself and dealing with crises (hiding alcohol, hiding car keys, etc). And keeping everything a secret- whenever the weekend ended I'd go into school and do my best to act totally normal even though I was consumed with anxiety and depression. I never had friends over to my house and I always felt really embarrassed about my upbringing etc so most of my childhood was spent masking my emotions. My parents didn't have many friends either and I really feel that I just didn't develop necessary social skills.

As I mentioned, I've been so independent from a young age- used to fixing bizarre alcohol-related situations, used to hiding all of my emotions. I find it incredibly difficult to open up to anyone and have 'meaningful' friendships as such. This used to really upset me. As some of you have mentioned, it hits home at weddings or other events etc when I see how may friends others have. This generally makes me feel awful - why can't I have as many friends as them, etc.

Recently, though, I've changed my thinking. I've realised that I do better with acquaintances than friends, as such. I am so used to being independent and making my own decisions that opening up to someone to get their opinion on an issue I'm having seems so pointless as I'll have made up my mind already about what I'm going to do. When I see groups of friends on social media at bottomless brunches/ hen parties I have to remind myself that I actually really don't enjoy those events. I hate being part of ongoing group chats or pointless Whatsapp conversations - I just can't be bothered maintaining small talk about topics I don't really care about etc. I prefer to do things alone as it's just so much less effort. I went shopping with a friend of mine last year and I just couldn't stop thinking about how if I'd have went alone I would have been more productive and got home sooner! It sounds awful but as I'm so independent I don't see the point of having to get peoples' opinions on a pair of shoes I'm buying, for example.

I do have a few friends who I suspect feel I am a bit odd. And now I just don't care. I recently mentioned in passing that I was going to London (two hours away) for a 20 min appt. I regretted saying anything because then my friend, who seems to hate doing anything alone, bombarded me with a chorus of questions asking who I was going to travel with, etc. As if it's some sort of a crime to do basic tasks alone. I realise that this is my weakness (being really independent), not theirs, but it just reminded me of why I just generally go about my business without telling anyone as I just don't have the social energy to face a barrage of questions about what I'm doing, why, who with, etc.

 

[justonemorepage]

I've caved and I'm giving my friend one last chance. I don't know why but I feel compelled to. I hope she doesn't let me down.

 

[Kim Mild]

I'd rather do things alone too. I can't imagine going shopping and needing someone else's opinion, I don't care what they think.

I remember once wishing I had someone to do things with . When I was with my useless ex I'd look at families with two parents and wish we had a happy family. Now when my husband comes with us, it would be easier alone . Now I prefer to do things alone , especially without the kids .

 

[whoareyouu]

I just think sometimes people would rather be friends with other people who like to drink, have man problems, enjoy drama and attention etc. But the people who aren't into these kinda things get snubbed. Im not boring! I just prefer real conversations and real people. This is hard to find. Im really fed up of the fakeness. The Snapchat pictures of my old 'friends' are ridiculously filtered. Or posting a picture of something completely stupid and pointless just for attention. Or giving me their shallow opinions and dumb advice on things they have no clue about themselves. Or just being mean but disguising it as being helpful. I've basically had tit friends but these people have friends! I think everyone just see's what they want to see. Or they don't have self any awareness.

If you are single, with no children and early 30's it's extremely hard to find friends!!! I've tried and am still trying. It's exhausting.

Yup. A lot of people bond over drinking etc and now I’ve grown out of it I’ve realised that was the bond I had with my friends when I was younger.

I agree it’s very hard to make friends in your 30s when you don’t have kids!
---

I've caved and I'm giving my friend one last chance. I don't know why but I feel compelled to. I hope she doesn't let me down.

I hope she doesn’t either my love.

 

[starsandsky]

I'd rather do things alone too. I can't imagine going shopping and needing someone else's opinion, I don't care what they think.

I've realised that, in my case, my lack of truly close friends is in that I just don't give enough to my friendships to actively get the same back. Until recently I agonised over this. But I've since realised life is too short. I make sure that I go to coffee etc with my small group of friends whenever I have to. I don't look forward to these things - I often dread them. But I force myself to do it. But I don't force myself to do things that just consume so much of my social energy and that I get nothing out of personally. Case in point: group chats where there's ongoing conversation where I feel compelled to share what I'm doing at every minute of every day and answer a billion questions on it. No thank you. Same goes for 'girly' nights away - can't we just do lunch instead? I've realised life is too short and I am happy enough not having mega-close friends as it means that I live a happier day to day life on my own terms. I know that probably sounds really weird but I've decided that it takes all sorts to make a world. As an avoidant introvert I realised that I don't actually desperately want to be 'fixed' - I'm actually content enough in my daily life. And that's what works for me and I am giving myself freedom to enjoy that.

 

[Kim Mild]

I've realised that, in my case, my lack of truly close friends is in that I just don't give enough to my friendships to actively get the same back. Until recently I agonised over this. But I've since realised life is too short. I make sure that I go to coffee etc with my small group of friends whenever I have to. I don't look forward to these things - I often dread them. But I force myself to do it. But I don't force myself to do things that just consume so much of my social energy and that I get nothing out of personally. Case in point: group chats where there's ongoing conversation where I feel compelled to share what I'm doing at every minute of every day and answer a billion questions on it. No thank you. Same goes for 'girly' nights away - can't we just do lunch instead? I've realised life is too short and I am happy enough not having mega-close friends as it means that I live a happier day to day life on my own terms. I know that probably sounds really weird but I've decided that it takes all sorts to make a world. As an avoidant introvert I realised that I don't actually desperately want to be 'fixed' - I'm actually content enough in my daily life. And that's what works for me and I am giving myself freedom to enjoy that.

Mostly when people say we'll catch up for coffee, I know they have little intention of meeting for coffee. Experience has taught me that.
There are people I will occasionally meet up with for coffee/ drinks and a catch up but I'm under no illusion to the type of relationship we have.

Quite often , I don't want meet up with people as I find solitary time to myself precious . I don't get much of it.

I've noticed, if you say you're in a rut or need a hobby or something to enrich your life, people always suggest joining a group with other people. Like the default is that people will fill the void. When really , the loneliest place is in a group of people.

 

[Rxt156]

Morning everyone. I've read your posts with lots of interest.

I can really resonate with what lots of you are saying. My 'problem' is that I have an avoidant attachment style so I am really really independent. I grew up in an alcoholic household and I have always been so used to sorting everything myself and dealing with crises (hiding alcohol, hiding car keys, etc). And keeping everything a secret- whenever the weekend ended I'd go into school and do my best to act totally normal even though I was consumed with anxiety and depression. I never had friends over to my house and I always felt really embarrassed about my upbringing etc so most of my childhood was spent masking my emotions. My parents didn't have many friends either and I really feel that I just didn't develop necessary social skills.

As I mentioned, I've been so independent from a young age- used to fixing bizarre alcohol-related situations, used to hiding all of my emotions. I find it incredibly difficult to open up to anyone and have 'meaningful' friendships as such. This used to really upset me. As some of you have mentioned, it hits home at weddings or other events etc when I see how may friends others have. This generally makes me feel awful - why can't I have as many friends as them, etc.

Recently, though, I've changed my thinking. I've realised that I do better with acquaintances than friends, as such. I am so used to being independent and making my own decisions that opening up to someone to get their opinion on an issue I'm having seems so pointless as I'll have made up my mind already about what I'm going to do. When I see groups of friends on social media at bottomless brunches/ hen parties I have to remind myself that I actually really don't enjoy those events. I hate being part of ongoing group chats or pointless Whatsapp conversations - I just can't be bothered maintaining small talk about topics I don't really care about etc. I prefer to do things alone as it's just so much less effort. I went shopping with a friend of mine last year and I just couldn't stop thinking about how if I'd have went alone I would have been more productive and got home sooner! It sounds awful but as I'm so independent I don't see the point of having to get peoples' opinions on a pair of shoes I'm buying, for example.

I do have a few friends who I suspect feel I am a bit odd. And now I just don't care. I recently mentioned in passing that I was going to London (two hours away) for a 20 min appt. I regretted saying anything because then my friend, who seems to hate doing anything alone, bombarded me with a chorus of questions asking who I was going to travel with, etc. As if it's some sort of a crime to do basic tasks alone. I realise that this is my weakness (being really independent), not theirs, but it just reminded me of why I just generally go about my business without telling anyone as I just don't have the social energy to face a barrage of questions about what I'm doing, why, who with, etc.

It is totally not a weakness to do things alone. It is a strength, a big one. Loads of people just cannot stand to do anything alone. They need hands holding the whole time and someone to talk to or share every meaningless drivel of a thought with. I am just like you. Happy to go alone and prefer to do it that way. People think it’s weird but I think they’re weird.
i think me and you would be good pals

 

[hytuhh]

It is totally not a weakness to do things alone. It is a strength, a big one. Loads of people just cannot stand to do anything alone. They need hands holding the whole time and someone to talk to or share every meaningless drivel of a thought with. I am just like you. Happy to go alone and prefer to do it that way. People think it’s weird but I think they’re weird.
i think me and you would be good pals

I started going to a gym class recently and there’s only 1 lady that does it. She said it was her one on one time as she’s had a baby and this is something she does for herself. I almost feel a bit guilty that I’m invading her personal space even tho it’s a public gym class and my personality is naturally chatty and friendly so I feel like I want to be chatty with her but then it’s like, not everyone wants that?

 

[Rxt156]

I started going to a gym class recently and there’s only 1 lady that does it. She said it was her one on one time as she’s had a baby and this is something she does for herself. I almost feel a bit guilty that I’m invading her personal space even tho it’s a public gym class and my personality is naturally chatty and friendly so I feel like I want to be chatty with her but then it’s like, not everyone wants that?

You seem like a lovely person. I defo would make minor small talk she will appreciate the friendliness so it’s not awkward! I hate it tho when I get minimal silence per day and someone spoils it. Husband came home from work early once when my son was asleep (my 1hr a day peace and quiet) he thought it would be a nice surprise. It was not

 

[ChastityDingle]

It is totally not a weakness to do things alone. It is a strength, a big one. Loads of people just cannot stand to do anything alone. They need hands holding the whole time and someone to talk to or share every meaningless drivel of a thought with. I am just like you. Happy to go alone and prefer to do it that way. People think it’s weird but I think they’re weird.
i think me and you would be good pals

Same here.

I don't understand people, grown adults who seem incapable of doing the smallest thing on their own. I always say to them, everyone is caught up in their own lives and have no time to think about you.