Friends (or lack of) #2

[starsandsky]

Same here.

I don't understand people, grown adults who seem incapable of doing the smallest thing on their own. I always say to them, everyone is caught up in their own lives and have no time to think about you.

This! A few weeks ago I mentioned in a text to a friend that I was out grabbing a sandwich for lunch. Cue the 'friendship police' questioning. "Who are you out for lunch with?" (Bearing in mind it was my 45 minute break. "I could never eat in public alone, omg."

I have been reading some of the characteristics of avoidant attachment. Most of them I have down to a tee. As I mentioned above, I'm changing my viewpoint and no longer seeing these as things to be 'fixed.' They're just totally normal to me and I'm probably happiest when doing these behaviours.

Here are a few examples:

• withdraw from relationships that are too intimate - I often find people draining and clingy. When people start texting me everyday about banal things in their lives I honestly want to chuck my phone out the window.
• engage in distancing behaviours with others - I, until recently, was part of group Whatsapps where I felt forced to give a running commentry about my day, down to what I was having for dinner. Most daily conversations seemed to start with "what's the plan for today/ this evening then?" - even in peak lockdown for Covid. Pained me. Since distancing myself from these conversations I've felt less 'bad' about not having close friends or constant 'plans' as I don't have the judgement from Whatsapp groups anymore regarding what I'm doing/ not doing. This has been liberating for me and helped me to realise that I'm actually very happy plodding away with the odd text/ coffee with acquaintances, rather than close friends who seem to need to know about my whereabouts every minute of the day. Just not for me.
• refuse to ask for help from other people - I am so used to sorting things out and problem-solving for myself that I don't ask for help unless I really need it. I had a health scare a few months ago (all good thankfully) but kept it to myself as I knew that trying to manage endless questioning from friends would be too stressful for me on top of the illness. Sounds ridiculous but the barrage of questioning and unsolicited health advice would have honestly pushed me over the edge.
• keep their activities and plans private from others - Again, it probably sounds weird but I just can't be bothered with the press-conference levels of questioning from people about everyday activities, etc. Went shopping for literally two hours last month and didn't bother mentioning it to friends as I knew it would provoke an endless stream of questioning about who I was going with, would I not be lonely shopping alone, etc. I've also had a few hairy situations where I've mentioned that me or me and my partner are going somewhere and people have attempted to invite themselves along. Last year I mentioned in the dreaded group chat that I bought a new BBQ, and low and behold a friend in the group announced that they could all come over that weekend to have a BBQ and stay at mine. I'm probably being weird in thinking that that's extremely odd and rude behaviour. This is why it's just easier to keep things to myself, weird as it may sound. Self preservation is key.
• act in ways that prioritize their independence - As above, just taking steps to preserve my sanity. Not feeling the need to announce every second of my day or every 'plan' for my week with people who feel compelled to question me on it or give unwanted advice.

That all probably sounds very odd to people who have tons of friends and thrive on these situations. But it's just not for me. And I've realised that by being unwilling to expend energy on the 'everyday' things (endless texting, inviting people over, etc) I don't get to have close friends. And that is okay for me.

 

[ChastityDingle]

This! A few weeks ago I mentioned in a text to a friend that I was out grabbing a sandwich for lunch. Cue the 'friendship police' questioning. "Who are you out for lunch with?" (Bearing in mind it was my 45 minute break. "I could never eat in public alone, omg."

Oh this rings so many bells! I used to often have lunch alone, in one particular place I worked. Bliss.

And as if anyone gives a damn about whether others are eating alone or not. If they have so little to worry them, well good for them, I guess!

 

[ATV2021]

What I don't get is that everyone here seems kind, caring and compassionate and just want people to show some care the way we do to others. Maybe a bit vulnerable so are we just attracting people who know this? Then take the utter piss? And for some reason we just keep trying at the detriment to our own wellbeing and MH and receiving nothing in return but sadness?

Just essentially had a friendship end, one I never expected to but after much reflection she was constantly bailing on me or expecting me to compromise and never doing it back, blaming me for feeling low etc. Yes I'm sad still but if someone wants to leave, let them.
Yes I have barely any friends, less now but maybe it's for the best for my sanity.
I used to always apologise for peace keeping even when I absolutely wasn't in the wrong just to keep them in my life. And why?!

I have acquaintances, and since deleting whatsapp I've actually been quite at peace. Really learning to love me. Or trying to

 

[starsandsky]

I used to always apologise for peace keeping even when I absolutely wasn't in the wrong just to keep them in my life. And why?!

I have acquaintances, and since deleting whatsapp I've actually been quite at peace. Really learning to love me. Or trying to

I used to be like this too. Constantly agonising over what I'd done wrong etc. It used to keep me awake at night.

I resonate with what you're saying about deleting Whatsapp and feeling more at peace. I still have Whatsapp but I have changed my expectations from my behaviour on it. I now avoid being part of those draining chats which never stop beeping essentially talking about rubbish. I'd constantly be panicking about what to say back/ running out of things to talk about and despised the dreaded "what's your plans for the weekend?" or "so what did you get up to after work yesterday?" questioning which made me feel bad in myself as I often was doing nothing beyond pottering about the house or sorting errands. And that is ok. I have my acquaintances who I can text now and again if I want to. We seem to have an unspoken mutual agreement that we don't need to be talking to each other everyday or even every week - we just text if there's an actual purpose to the conversation (e.g. asking a question about something). Works for me and has reduced my stress level.

 

[Justmechan23]

Sorry this is a long one….

I’ve been thinking a lot today that I’m just not connecting with the people I consider my close friends anymore. I have essentially 2 sets of friends (those with kids and those without), I had a baby over a year ago and I’m just not connecting with any of them anymore. I say ‘them’ but it’s 3 people I’m mid 30s and back in my 20s I was apart of a ‘girl group’ from high school but we all drifted apart for various reasons. From that girl group, I still have one friend I consider close. The other close friend I met through work during covid and the last one is my childhood friend.

The girl group friend - has kids who are a little older. She loves to be social, she’s very ‘popular’ and has loads of other friends. We message very little these days and she will often invite me out to clubbing nights, concerts, places where it’s difficult to have a proper catch up. The clubbing nights I decline because I’m over it, I would prefer a meal and a few drinks in a nice bar to actually talk/catch up - I’ve suggested this a few times and she’s never been interested. However I see her do these types of things with other friends via social media. She was there for me through a tough time in my life and similarly I was for her and so the reason why I hold onto the friendship but we don’t message / see each other often at all.

Work friend - this is a confusing friendship for me at the moment. We met at my previous job and before I got pregnant. This friend doesn’t have kids. We grew closer during covid especially during those ‘eat out to help out’ times. We would go for meals and cocktails and have a laugh over drinks. This friend started to become super clingy at the time though. Wanting to message / FaceTime all the time. Wanting pictures / finer details of what I was up to with family / ex partner when not with her. I pulled back as the world started to open up a bit more post covid and I could tell she didn’t like it at first. I didn’t really know her and our friendship was new so the reason I pulled back. I then got a new job and the night i told her we were out for dinner. I thought she would be happy for me knowing how stressful my last job was but her reaction was weird and on the lines of ‘does this mean we won’t talk anymore?’ her reaction wasn’t what I expected, she didn’t seem happy I got a promotion and more about where it left her so I pulled back more. We still spoke and did the occasional dinners but she isn’t a confrontational person so we acted ‘normal’. I then got pregnant so naturally our outings were less, I saw her less. The present day is here and we still speak and meet up for coffee occasionally but this friendship makes me feel uncomfortable and I can’t put my finger on why. We have planned a trip away in the near future but I’m nervous for it? She gets super clingy and I’m just not like that which seems to piss her off and then she will take long to respond to my messages or be passive / superior when in my company. At the same time will act overly nice. It’s hard to explain. I’ve noticed she likes to be showered with compliments too. She will always compliment me but I get the sense it’s just so she can get one in return lol it’s weird to me. We also don’t have a lot in common especially now I have a baby. I think Covid brought us together in the sense of just wanting to be social and get out.

Childhood friend - I love her to bits and our friendship is 25 years+ but we are completely different people. She doesn’t have kids. She loves rock music and those types of mosh pit festivals / camping / day time drinking type of vibe. She’s not really into working much and lives a carefree life. We meet up once a year and when we do, we just go over the old times like school days I still consider her my close friend because if I text her, she will respond and there’s no bad energy. Shes a really nice person and probably knows me better than some who are blood related to me but we have absolutely nothing in common now. I feel she wouldn’t understand my life and we can hardly have any ‘meaningful’ conversation as we are at different stages. She’s still living like a teenager and that’s no shade, she will say that too. She constantly says she’s not ready to ‘grow up’ but that means our friendship hasn’t grown either….I still feel like a teen in her company.

So that leaves me with no one really other than acquaintances which I don’t have many of either. It would be nice to connect with friend who I have something in common with, not too clingy, similar interests and I feel comfortable to be myself around them. I haven’t had that type of friendship for a long time.

 

[justonemorepage]

I've caved and I'm giving my friend one last chance. I don't know why but I feel compelled to. I hope she doesn't let me down.

Update: she let me down and cancelled our plans last minute. I don't know why I bother. I've found since having my baby I'm much more comfortable doing things on my own anyway. Its made me more independent somehow.

I'll always remember years ago I wanted to see a film in the cinema but no one would come with me so I went on my own. I had the best time ever, not being interrupted by people trying to talk in my ear etc and had a little snack tray. Posted on SM saying how liberating I found it and half a dozen people commented saying they would have joined me

 

[whoareyouu]

Update: she let me down and cancelled our plans last minute. I don't know why I bother. I've found since having my baby I'm much more comfortable doing things on my own anyway. Its made me more independent somehow.

I'll always remember years ago I wanted to see a film in the cinema but no one would come with me so I went on my own. I had the best time ever, not being interrupted by people trying to talk in my ear etc and had a little snack tray. Posted on SM saying how liberating I found it and half a dozen people commented saying they would have joined me

That sucks. Sorry she did that to you but I guess you know now.

 

[ChastityDingle]

Update: she let me down and cancelled our plans last minute. I don't know why I bother. I've found since having my baby I'm much more comfortable doing things on my own anyway. Its made me more independent somehow.

I'll always remember years ago I wanted to see a film in the cinema but no one would come with me so I went on my own. I had the best time ever, not being interrupted by people trying to talk in my ear etc and had a little snack tray. Posted on SM saying how liberating I found it and half a dozen people commented saying they would have joined me

Sorry to hear that she let you down again.

As for the cinema, nothing I like better than getting a nice latte on my way in, and sitting back to enjoy a good film. Bliss.

 

[katyazamo]

Update: she let me down and cancelled our plans last minute. I don't know why I bother. I've found since having my baby I'm much more comfortable doing things on my own anyway. Its made me more independent somehow.

I'll always remember years ago I wanted to see a film in the cinema but no one would come with me so I went on my own. I had the best time ever, not being interrupted by people trying to talk in my ear etc and had a little snack tray. Posted on SM saying how liberating I found it and half a dozen people commented saying they would have joined me

Isn't it funny how people always do this? I do a lot of things on my own too, I don't really think about it much but I always have the same "friends" replying to me saying they'd love to join me, they really want to do this too. I'm like OK cool, by all means, book a ticket and lets go. And they just... never follow through with it?

Sorry this is a long one….

I’ve been thinking a lot today that I’m just not connecting with the people I consider my close friends anymore. I have essentially 2 sets of friends (those with kids and those without), I had a baby over a year ago and I’m just not connecting with any of them anymore. I say ‘them’ but it’s 3 people I’m mid 30s and back in my 20s I was apart of a ‘girl group’ from high school but we all drifted apart for various reasons. From that girl group, I still have one friend I consider close. The other close friend I met through work during covid and the last one is my childhood friend.

The girl group friend - has kids who are a little older. She loves to be social, she’s very ‘popular’ and has loads of other friends. We message very little these days and she will often invite me out to clubbing nights, concerts, places where it’s difficult to have a proper catch up. The clubbing nights I decline because I’m over it, I would prefer a meal and a few drinks in a nice bar to actually talk/catch up - I’ve suggested this a few times and she’s never been interested. However I see her do these types of things with other friends via social media. She was there for me through a tough time in my life and similarly I was for her and so the reason why I hold onto the friendship but we don’t message / see each other often at all.

Work friend - this is a confusing friendship for me at the moment. We met at my previous job and before I got pregnant. This friend doesn’t have kids. We grew closer during covid especially during those ‘eat out to help out’ times. We would go for meals and cocktails and have a laugh over drinks. This friend started to become super clingy at the time though. Wanting to message / FaceTime all the time. Wanting pictures / finer details of what I was up to with family / ex partner when not with her. I pulled back as the world started to open up a bit more post covid and I could tell she didn’t like it at first. I didn’t really know her and our friendship was new so the reason I pulled back. I then got a new job and the night i told her we were out for dinner. I thought she would be happy for me knowing how stressful my last job was but her reaction was weird and on the lines of ‘does this mean we won’t talk anymore?’ her reaction wasn’t what I expected, she didn’t seem happy I got a promotion and more about where it left her so I pulled back more. We still spoke and did the occasional dinners but she isn’t a confrontational person so we acted ‘normal’. I then got pregnant so naturally our outings were less, I saw her less. The present day is here and we still speak and meet up for coffee occasionally but this friendship makes me feel uncomfortable and I can’t put my finger on why. We have planned a trip away in the near future but I’m nervous for it? She gets super clingy and I’m just not like that which seems to piss her off and then she will take long to respond to my messages or be passive / superior when in my company. At the same time will act overly nice. It’s hard to explain. I’ve noticed she likes to be showered with compliments too. She will always compliment me but I get the sense it’s just so she can get one in return lol it’s weird to me. We also don’t have a lot in common especially now I have a baby. I think Covid brought us together in the sense of just wanting to be social and get out.

Childhood friend - I love her to bits and our friendship is 25 years+ but we are completely different people. She doesn’t have kids. She loves rock music and those types of mosh pit festivals / camping / day time drinking type of vibe. She’s not really into working much and lives a carefree life. We meet up once a year and when we do, we just go over the old times like school days I still consider her my close friend because if I text her, she will respond and there’s no bad energy. Shes a really nice person and probably knows me better than some who are blood related to me but we have absolutely nothing in common now. I feel she wouldn’t understand my life and we can hardly have any ‘meaningful’ conversation as we are at different stages. She’s still living like a teenager and that’s no shade, she will say that too. She constantly says she’s not ready to ‘grow up’ but that means our friendship hasn’t grown either….I still feel like a teen in her company.

So that leaves me with no one really other than acquaintances which I don’t have many of either. It would be nice to connect with friend who I have something in common with, not too clingy, similar interests and I feel comfortable to be myself around them. I haven’t had that type of friendship for a long time.

Something I've found is that some friends and acquaintances come into our lives for a fixed period of time and aren't ever going to be lifelong friends. Sounds like the situation with your work friend. I know you aren't asking for advice here! But I would probably phase out the work friend. I don't know what it is about work friends, I've had a few over the years who I really thought I'd stay friends with (I've even gone on holiday with a couple of them), but I can never make it work in the longer term. I wonder if they just see it as a friendship of circumstance. Who knows?!

But I will defend your childhood friend sometimes you don't need to be at the same life stage or have loads of things in common, what matters is that she cares about you and is there for you. People's situations change and not every friend will match you 100%, but it sounds like she has a good heart.

 

[MissJoT]

I've realised I'm pretty happy on my own. I moved house on Friday to a new town which is 25 miles away. I really didn't want to tell friends/neighbours because I couldn't be arsed with the big goodbyes and wanted to quietly ride off into the sunset. Today I've been out shopping, got lunch and am going to have an afternoon nap because I'm back in work tomorrow and don't want to miss the rare opportunity

A lady in the bath goodies place chatted and I said that I'd just moved here and she was horrified and said she could never do that. Granted my boyfriend will only be a couple of miles away but I'm essentially living alone knowing only one person in the area and that's fine with me. Yes there'll be times I get bored but I'll take that over people constantly coming round to nosy.

 

[WeHadFunRight]

some people are definitely more reliant on other people, to a point where I find it a bit pathetic. I used to volunteer and our training group got on really well and we’d often meet for a drink or dinner. One woman was really clingy about arriving with someone else, she’d insist on meeting someone in the car park to walk in to the venue. She wouldn’t dream of entering a pub or restaurant by herself. She was in her 60s - it’s ridiculous. Grow up and grow a pair ffs.

 

[Good Egg]

Oh gosh! I’m feeling like I’m a clingy friend but that’s through anxious attachment style, however... I’m am fiercely independent and do like my own space and time. Like I’d eat alone or see a show alone or shop alone because 99%of the time I am alone!! But if you are lucky to be my friend I can ‘sometimes’ be an over texter, am I expecting too much?
I’m very lonely though. I’m single. I don’t see anybody and it’s only me making the effort hands down. I haven’t posted on FB in five days... nobody has noticed my absence. Nobody texts, nothing. It’s me making the effort.
I’ve been googling narcissistic personality disorder. I’m wondering if there is something wrong with me? Nobody stays for the long haul. I have no childhood friends left... college friends nobody. It’s just me. I worry about the future so much. I’d like to think I’m nice but now I’m doubting myself and everything in my life.

 

[Justmechan23]

Something I've found is that some friends and acquaintances come into our lives for a fixed period of time and aren't ever going to be lifelong friends. Sounds like the situation with your work friend. I know you aren't asking for advice here! But I would probably phase out the work friend. I don't know what it is about work friends, I've had a few over the years who I really thought I'd stay friends with (I've even gone on holiday with a couple of them), but I can never make it work in the longer term. I wonder if they just see it as a friendship of circumstance. Who knows?!

But I will defend your childhood friend sometimes you don't need to be at the same life stage or have loads of things in common, what matters is that she cares about you and is there for you. People's situations change and not every friend will match you 100%, but it sounds like she has a good heart.

Advice is very welcome! I’m still at a cross road with the work friend only because I don’t have many friends at all so who am I to be picky by dropping one, ya know? I just feel that in order to be her friend, it needs to be how she wants it otherwise she isn’t ‘happy’. It feels like a lot of work (lol no pun intended) for a friendship when it should be relaxed and go with the flow…maybe you’re right about the friendship of circumstance.

 

[Good Egg]

I want to add I had narcissistic mother growing up and had a traumatic childhood where friends weren’t seen as a priority I’m my mother’s eyes. Wonder if there is a link

 

[pink_lemonade]

I’m planning on getting married in 2026 and all I keep thinking about is how I have no friends to be bridesmaids or even come to the wedding it sounds pathetic but I literally have 1 friend and even she’s a tit friend at times. It was my birthday and she literally text me saying she couldn’t be bothered to come over to my house like we had planned as she had been out all day (literally had her hair cut and popped to the garden centre, she drove past the end of my road to go home). Since then we’ve had a conservation about it and she’s apologised but it’s still a bit iffy… Urgh!

 

[Popcornshovel]

I’m planning on getting married in 2026 and all I keep thinking about is how I have no friends to be bridesmaids or even come to the wedding it sounds pathetic but I literally have 1 friend and even she’s a tit friend at times. It was my birthday and she literally text me saying she couldn’t be bothered to come over to my house like we had planned as she had been out all day (literally had her hair cut and popped to the garden centre, she drove past the end of my road to go home). Since then we’ve had a conservation about it and she’s apologised but it’s still a bit iffy… Urgh!

Can you elope or do something small? Definitely try to focus it on you and your partner and having an enjoyable day.

 

[pecan]

Hi all. Do you have room for another one in here? 🩷

Throughout my childhood I had one close friend. We were like sisters, we did everything together for over 10 years. It all blew up quite monumentally in our mid-20’s and the friendship couldn’t be reconciled. I would go as far as to say it broke my heart in an way and made it very hard for me to put myself out there.

Looking back on the friendship now, I realise it was extremely one-sided. I was (still am?) a people pleaser and I would do anything she needed of me. Whenever she needed support I was there, I was welcomed into the family, I was there for highs and lows. However I now realise that whenever I needed her, she was nowhere to be seen.

Same again with another friend who I reconnected with during lockdown on Facebook. I found it really difficult to maintain a friendship with her and I soon remembered why I didn’t keep in touch. She is a narc / perpetual victim through and through and she will direct every conversation down a path about herself / her issues / her life. Any time I try to talk about what’s going on with me it would get a low effort reply or completely ignored. I don’t know what I do wrong. Why do I not deserve support or understanding? She was messaging me every single day throughout lockdown and I would often pick up my phone to find 30+ messages from her, sometimes single sentences sent separately but sometimes extremely long and detailed messages about something going on with her. It was so intense that I ended up having to mute her and I get scared to open the chat, and yet I still feel incredibly guilty and like I’m a terrible friend?

Now I’m in my early 30’s, I moved away from home over 2 years ago to live with my partner and while he obviously makes me very happy, I am so lonely because not only do I have no friends here, I don’t know anyone at all. To make things worse my relationship with my mum has really broken down since I moved because even she can’t seem to make an effort with me now that I don’t live in the same house despite us always being very close. I’ve come to realise she is also a narc and my childhood was a mess! Maybe I should be in therapy.

I connected with a few local women through Facebook posts and had some coffee meets but it would always end in ghosting or very long periods between contact, and you know it would be on your shoulders to try and carry something just to stop it from dying. I feel exhausted by even trying. In my adulthood I’ve realised I have elements of neurodivergence so maybe this plays a part in things, I don’t know. I do find it very hard to be myself with anyone other than my partner. Maybe people sense that I’m being disingenuous when in reality it’s just a fear of judgement.

This ended up being a long one Sorry!

 

[whoareyouu]

some people are definitely more reliant on other people, to a point where I find it a bit pathetic. I used to volunteer and our training group got on really well and we’d often meet for a drink or dinner. One woman was really clingy about arriving with someone else, she’d insist on meeting someone in the car park to walk in to the venue. She wouldn’t dream of entering a pub or restaurant by herself. She was in her 60s - it’s ridiculous. Grow up and grow a pair ffs.

I used to be like that but I was in my 20s haha.

 

[Viper6666]

I wish there was a social group so I could actually connect with all you guys, I feel like you all understand how I feel

 

[MissJoT]

I wish there was a social group so I could actually connect with all you guys, I feel like you all understand how I feel

Same! Where do we all live? (Just in case any of us are close by in real life)