I only really have one life long friend of the past 30 years, and I've always really valued her friendship but lately I see her less & less due to the fact I don't like being around her partner but I seem to have fallen into a really weird trap where the only time I can spend time with my friend, is if her partner is with us.
We've lived in different cities for the past 5 years since they moved in together. There were certain situations where I didn't mind visiting them and doing stuff as the three, it never occured to me that it was weird or that I felt like a third wheel (we're all gay women in our 40s so we have similar shared interests). But I think the fact that we lost all balance started to get to me. I also felt that her partner was incredibly "comfortable" around me i.e would make rude comments, not treat me as a guest in her home, have this general bad attitude.
My friend never makes plans to see me on my own (we haven't spent time together alone literally since they moved in together). I can never quite work out if it's because her partner discourages this, or if it just doesn't cross my friend's mind that I'd like to spend time just the two of us. In fact I have suggested this before and it's just never materialised. It's got to the point where I won't visit my friend for 6 months and we'll talk every other day but she won't once suggest maybe meeting up an hour away and going for a drink or something. I've stopped suggesting it because whenever I have in the past she's made an excuse not to. The most embarassing being when I invited her over to my place for a takeaway night "like old times" and she brushed me off.
I know you may be reading this and thinking why would I value this friendship so much? Unfortunately she has a really clever way of gaslighting me and making me feel like there isn't a problem, and sad as it feels to admit makes me feel like I'm a valued friend just by continuing to reach out to me. Because I live quite an isolated life through choice, when friends and family invite me to things I really appreciate it and make a big deal of looking forward to it. I do a lot of things on my own which I prefer, but it's nice to have those social events with others now and again. With that being said, I thought not engaging with visits to their house for a long time would be a clear signal that I wasn't interested in being there with the two of them together but I somehow always get invited back in some shape or form
My friend continues this dynamic as if its absolutely fine even though everyone I've talked about it to has said it's a become a toxic situation. Sometimes strangers have literally asked me do I mind being their third wheel or I explain that one half of the couple is my best friend and they think it's odd that her partner is tagging along (even though I'm the one who feels like their doing all the tagging). At this point I've been to parties, weddings, concerts, holidays, festivals... all as their third wheel for the sake of keeping my childhood friendship going.
Recently we went to an event that I was really excited about, but it bummed me out that the partner was coming along even though I know she had no interest in being there. I got all excited when the big day arrived and then as soon as we were all together the life drained out of me realising she was there with her usual negative luring presence, not even interested in the event we were going to but for some reason forcing herself to come with us anyway. As always she managed to worsen my mood even further by being rude to me before we'd even got there, while my friend just lived in their oblivious bubble not realising how much I can't stand her. I have no idea how I was supposed to say to my friend beforehand why don't we just go on our own? It feels like an impossibly awkward conversation that clearly I keep avoiding.
There was one incident a year ago where I messaged her after spending time with them to express something that her partner had said which really did upset me to the point of tears, and for the first time ever I just told her exactly how I felt in that moment which I always avoid doing. Her response was sorry you feel that way she didn't mean it like that, and you're probably overthinking it.
I know I need to grow up and start having more of these uncomfortable conversations and be more direct about how I feel, but a big part of me is sad that if I cut my friends partner off, I will probably lose my only real friend too. I have nothing to suggest we'd ever do anything together in the future if I were to suggest doing it without her partner. It feels very much that she'd "choose" her over me I guess, which is the only reason I've let it go on this way for so long. Having that interaction with her last year was probably the point I realised that she doesn't want to see her partner in a negative light and would sooner paint me as the bad guy. I didn't like being made to feel that I was overreacting, especially when that one incident I mentioned is probably just the tip of the iceberg in terms of things that actually upset me.
Every now and then I tell myself I'll pluck up the courage to talk to my friend about this but then I find it easier to just not see her/them for months, enjoy the distance away but then I'll inevitably get sucked back in with none of it being addressed. When I think about our friendship ending or not seeing them again it makes me really upset even with how bad things have gotten.
feel like I should just say it’s okay, you don’t need to invite me to everything anymore 
