Can you block the ex's from your daughters fb? So she doesn’t see it? (I don’t do fb)His family are mostly ok. They are saying stuff, but not tagging her and I think a lot of it is comforting and she can mine it in her own time IYSWIM. It's a bit weird - some of them she barely knows, and I'm talking close relations - because he wouldn't talk to them because he *hated* them (not for any good reason that I could ever discover), but overall they don't upset her. But they don't really know her and it's all bit strange, but I don't feel it's particularly negative for her. It is for me, because everything they are saying is so kind and generous and I am like 'Christ, if you could hear how he talked about you' in a sad-for-them that they're wasting all these emotional resources on someone who gave nothing back way. Still, in death as in life I suppose.
This ex-girlfriend made me furious though with the tagging and there was another one the other day who messaged my daughter to share all her sads too. They are both relationships from post our marriage and he introduced her to them both and they both went through the 'poor baby who needs adopting by me because her mum is such an unreasonable person' phase. Then they broke up with him because of all the reasons you would (much less stamina than me, mind you, because I am an idiot), and I ended up talking them both through how to detach from him successfully (not so unreasonable then).
Now it's all weeping and wailing and look at my grief, *I'M* so sad, directed at his 15 YEAR OLD CHILD. One of them with added hints and implications that they were the love that was never meant to be (that's nice for all 3 of his children he had with women who weren't you, I expect). Also, weird flex if you ask me, but go ahead, just leave my child out of it all please.
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Can you block the ex's from your daughters fb? So she doesn’t see it? (I don’t do fb)
i haven't been cooking much the past week thanks to a blocked drain under our house resulting in raw sewage spilling out of the manhole in our kitchen (didn't consider this when we decide to extend the back of the house!) 
thankfully all sorted now so treating myself to two lovely lunches today. Marinated pan fried aubergines with feta, pickled onion and zataar and now some garlic mushrooms on toast with chives. Always forget how ridiculously DELICIOUS mushrooms fried in butter are, how is it even possible that it tastes this good?
thankfully all sorted now so treating myself to two lovely lunches today. Marinated pan fried aubergines with feta, pickled onion and zataar and now some garlic mushrooms on toast with chives. Always forget how ridiculously DELICIOUS mushrooms fried in butter are, how is it even possible that it tastes this good?
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I'm so sorry, @Flumps. What a horrible time for you and your daughter.
My dad was never abusive, but alcoholism twisted him so much. After he died my mum got so many emails from old friends of his sharing anecdotes of the "hahaha we were sooo drunk and then..." variety. It was really upsetting for her, after witnessing so many years of his decline. She had to just send back brief thank yous, because what else is there?
Do what you need to. Find escapes when you can. We're here when you need a sounding board.
My dad was never abusive, but alcoholism twisted him so much. After he died my mum got so many emails from old friends of his sharing anecdotes of the "hahaha we were sooo drunk and then..." variety. It was really upsetting for her, after witnessing so many years of his decline. She had to just send back brief thank yous, because what else is there?
Do what you need to. Find escapes when you can. We're here when you need a sounding board.
I feel for you, you are caught up in a very difficult situation. The idiots will be idiots, you know what happened. As they say in AA “ there are a lot of sick people around “.
Thinking of you and your daughter
@ Flumps thinking about you - this is your safe place to post so please continue to do so. Do not engage with these people who are trying to turn this terrible situation into a social media show.
I have worked for years in supported housing - mainly with adults who need support for mental health and addiction challenges. All were troubled and not everyone was a nice or good person but my job was to treat everyone with dignity and respect. However, when someone died who had genuine friends/family support, their loved ones accepted the loss and knew that they had done all that they could in a difficult or impossible situation. On the other hand when friends and family did not provide understanding and support during the life of the person (or contributed to their demise in some way) their reaction to grief was so extreme and much different. They made out that the person who had died was a saint, exaggerated the support they had given, rewrote history as to how much time they spent with the person, blamed the support staff and paid for grand funerals. I always seen this as their response to the fact that they felt guilty in some way as they should have made better choices when the person was alive.
We don't do birthdays but my cats all have stockings and get Christmas presents from us and their 'Grandma' as mum has realised I'm not the one who's gonna give her grandkids. My sister keeps horses and Mum buys them Christmas presents too, the dopey one always has antlers or something around the festive period.Does anyone else get their pets birthday presents? It's my cat's sixth birthday today (they grow up so fast) so I got her some sushi toys from Etsy and she flippin loves them, especially the shrimp. Here she is in the middle of her massive bender, the face of a cat who's had too much catnip.
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Also your cat is wonderful
@Flumps I'm sorry to hear what you're dealing with. I can't imagine the emotional toll this must have taken on you and your daughter, and you cannot overestimate how much I respect you for how you're handling this situation.
Absolutely block these women from your kid's facebook if she's ok with that. I know when people die there can often be a performative element to the grief of a certain kind of people (who feel they must compete to be the most distraught and personally affected) but wow the level of entitlement/lack of self awareness required to offload your baggage onto a distraught 15 year old! Those two want their heads knocking together!!!
We're here and we're on your side, and i imagine it must be torture letting everyone put this man on a pedestal who had frankly put you through hell, vent here as much as you like and know that you're doing the right thing by your daughter. She will remember this when she's older and she'll appreciate it forever.
Absolutely block these women from your kid's facebook if she's ok with that. I know when people die there can often be a performative element to the grief of a certain kind of people (who feel they must compete to be the most distraught and personally affected) but wow the level of entitlement/lack of self awareness required to offload your baggage onto a distraught 15 year old! Those two want their heads knocking together!!!
We're here and we're on your side, and i imagine it must be torture letting everyone put this man on a pedestal who had frankly put you through hell, vent here as much as you like and know that you're doing the right thing by your daughter. She will remember this when she's older and she'll appreciate it forever.
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I’m so sorry this is happening. I hope you can mute those people on Facebook so your daughter can’t see them tag her in their own grieving because she has enough on her plate. It must be so frustrating so please do vent here. I agree with other posters that when someone does everyone has to say good things and think well of them so they get the sympathy and help with the shock and grief. Rose tinted specs and all that. For your girl, he was her dad and you are doing everything to help her.
Difficult dads. I don’t know if my dad is still alive. He left when I was a baby and I saw him a handful of times since then - the last time at his mother’s funeral 20 odd years ago.
Difficult dads. I don’t know if my dad is still alive. He left when I was a baby and I saw him a handful of times since then - the last time at his mother’s funeral 20 odd years ago.
Oh, Flumes. Huge hugs. My situation ( a few years past now) was not dissimilar to this, and I really feel for you.
Not selfish, at all.
Thank you everyone. Really, thank you so much. I’ve been holding so much of that in for the last couple of weeks that just expressing it and having you all be so kind and so understanding is such a comparative relief. I’m so tired from just the emotional labour of it all, and knowing that all the things I am feeling are pretty much small beans compared to how my poor girl is feeling.
I’m so glad there are people who understand though I’m so sorry that some of you get it because you’ve been through similar. That seems so very unfair.
I spoke to my step-daughter in law today as well and I said none of the above about families but we did have a chat about the strangeness of these women who don’t seem to be able to choose sensible outlets for their pain. I’m sorry btw, I am not normally down on other women, I was always sympathetic more than anything to his new girlfriends and selfishly relieved that they existed and took the pressure off me a bit, but I cannot fathom why they think my child should be there to take on their woes. Apparently his most recent girlfriend has been calling step-DIL regularly to cry and rant at her. She could do without that as she’s trying to support her husband, my step-son, and help sort out the practicalities of everything. I should probably be grateful that she doesn’t have my daughter’s number or know her well enough to get all up in her face about it.
I am trying not to focus on much of how this has made me feel. It’s brought a lot of stuff up and some of the emotions don’t look good on me. I’m very angry, I suspect I am focusing that a bit too hard on these little inappropriate happenings and less on the big things. All this talk of him is so triggering and I’m having nightmares again and I got rid of them years ago. I feel a bit adrift from my partner because normally we share everything and I’m keeping some/most of how I’m feeling from him for reasons I can’t work out. I need to work out some healthier coping mechanisms I think because I can feel I am not doing a good job of it right now and I need to keep going because my daughter needs me to.
I’m sorry for ranting in that mildly embarrassed way you are sorry when you’ve calmed down a bit, but I think it helped release some of the steam that had built up and that’s probably a good thing.
You are a wonderful cabal of terrible witches.
I’m so glad there are people who understand though I’m so sorry that some of you get it because you’ve been through similar. That seems so very unfair.
I spoke to my step-daughter in law today as well and I said none of the above about families but we did have a chat about the strangeness of these women who don’t seem to be able to choose sensible outlets for their pain. I’m sorry btw, I am not normally down on other women, I was always sympathetic more than anything to his new girlfriends and selfishly relieved that they existed and took the pressure off me a bit, but I cannot fathom why they think my child should be there to take on their woes. Apparently his most recent girlfriend has been calling step-DIL regularly to cry and rant at her. She could do without that as she’s trying to support her husband, my step-son, and help sort out the practicalities of everything. I should probably be grateful that she doesn’t have my daughter’s number or know her well enough to get all up in her face about it.
I am trying not to focus on much of how this has made me feel. It’s brought a lot of stuff up and some of the emotions don’t look good on me. I’m very angry, I suspect I am focusing that a bit too hard on these little inappropriate happenings and less on the big things. All this talk of him is so triggering and I’m having nightmares again and I got rid of them years ago. I feel a bit adrift from my partner because normally we share everything and I’m keeping some/most of how I’m feeling from him for reasons I can’t work out. I need to work out some healthier coping mechanisms I think because I can feel I am not doing a good job of it right now and I need to keep going because my daughter needs me to.
I’m sorry for ranting in that mildly embarrassed way you are sorry when you’ve calmed down a bit, but I think it helped release some of the steam that had built up and that’s probably a good thing.
You are a wonderful cabal of terrible witches.
Haven’t tried to make yet.
@Flumps 
I wish I could say the right things to make you feel better. It's healthy for you to let your emotions out here if it's difficult for you with family or friends. Your posts always show you are a lovely caring mum.
I wish I could say the right things to make you feel better. It's healthy for you to let your emotions out here if it's difficult for you with family or friends. Your posts always show you are a lovely caring mum.I think your doing great Flumps you are protecting your daughter and putting her welfare first (nevermind anyone else and their hurt feelings!).
That's their problem not your daughter's it sounds like your ex was abusive and unfortunately people like that seem to attract others who also do not have any boundaries (or self awareness).
It seems to me as if you have had to parent and be the strong one to a lot of people so please also make some time for yourself as well and don't put your needs last.
You are absolutely right though in being honest and refusing to whitewash things your sanity needs the truth! As do the people around you.
Instinctively you know that you need to keep your distance from people who bend and twist the truth if they cannot cope with reality it's not your problem or fault or your daughter's.
You are absolutely doing the right thing and I can only imagine how hard and tiring that must be at times.
Some people unfortunately are going to want to live in the past and constantly rehash it but you have already moved on I think because you have experienced the dark side of this man and are not in denial of it.
So you see the bigger picture you don't pine ove what could have been or what if because you know that really it was hell.
Some people will for their own reasons cling to their delusions as if their lives depended on it and then telling the truth can make you feel lonely or out of sorts!
I know that feeling unrelated but I went through that feeling when someone was abusive to me and yet when I told others no one wanted to believe me because he was a popular and charismatic figure!
At the end of the day though you have to be true to yourself and tell the truth (,difficult as it is surrounded by in some case enablers flying monkeys or even fellow sick people) misery loves company.
You closed that door once and you know you have the strength to do so again if needed.
Life can be beyond testing sometimes but you have already proved yourself again and again so take comfort from the fact that the more you do that (distance yourself use your instincts protect) the easier it gets and the better it will be for both you and your daughter in the long term.
So take care and take heart from the fact that this will get easier probably you are already nearly there (ironically that's when it hurts the most) and we are all here for you anytime you need us.
That's their problem not your daughter's it sounds like your ex was abusive and unfortunately people like that seem to attract others who also do not have any boundaries (or self awareness).
It seems to me as if you have had to parent and be the strong one to a lot of people so please also make some time for yourself as well and don't put your needs last.
You are absolutely right though in being honest and refusing to whitewash things your sanity needs the truth! As do the people around you.
Instinctively you know that you need to keep your distance from people who bend and twist the truth if they cannot cope with reality it's not your problem or fault or your daughter's.
You are absolutely doing the right thing and I can only imagine how hard and tiring that must be at times.
Some people unfortunately are going to want to live in the past and constantly rehash it but you have already moved on I think because you have experienced the dark side of this man and are not in denial of it.
So you see the bigger picture you don't pine ove what could have been or what if because you know that really it was hell.
Some people will for their own reasons cling to their delusions as if their lives depended on it and then telling the truth can make you feel lonely or out of sorts!
I know that feeling unrelated but I went through that feeling when someone was abusive to me and yet when I told others no one wanted to believe me because he was a popular and charismatic figure!
At the end of the day though you have to be true to yourself and tell the truth (,difficult as it is surrounded by in some case enablers flying monkeys or even fellow sick people) misery loves company.
You closed that door once and you know you have the strength to do so again if needed.
Life can be beyond testing sometimes but you have already proved yourself again and again so take comfort from the fact that the more you do that (distance yourself use your instincts protect) the easier it gets and the better it will be for both you and your daughter in the long term.
So take care and take heart from the fact that this will get easier probably you are already nearly there (ironically that's when it hurts the most) and we are all here for you anytime you need us.
The social media thing around this is so much trickier than I thought. Well, truth be told, I didn't even really consider it at first. The thing is, she's that bit older, she's a sensible sort of 15, so I feel obliged to consider her opinions too(!) and there is some stuff there that I think is helpful - it's her contact for a lot of that side of the family especially her brother and sister, so I'm reluctant to remove it. We had a chat about controlling the information though - so I've got her to disable notifications from the app and mute the worst offender. I tried to persuade her to untag herself in the worst posts, but she wouldn't - she said it was 'a bit pass-agg mum!' which it absolutely was and that was the point of it, but she thought it might get her drawn into a conversation, and she's right that that would just drag the whole thing out. So we're at an ok point with it between us atm I think, hopefully everyone has got all their feelings out now.
Oh also, I meant to say to you the other day, I used to make my daughter baby mac and cheese with that tiny pasta when she was a toddler. She didn't like it, but I was a big fan!
Flumps, I think you're doing a fantastic job of handling this. People do very strange things around bereavement on social media and I'm sorry that his ex felt the need to involve your daughter like that
Your daughter sounds more level-headed than most kids that age, I hope you're both able to work through this, one of those where there aren't really any guidelines you can follow.
Off-topic for the thread but I know we have some Spanish Fraus and a lot of you are around my age, so does anyone remember the strips of boiled sweets you could get in supermercados in Spain that were about a metre long and had Looney Tunes branding? It's bugged me for years and my Google-Fu reveals nothing but others asking the same thing. Don't recall seeing em in the UK.
One set of twins born this morning and one ewe in labour in the bottom field. Neither ewe is letting me close enough to see their ear tag numbers at the moment, but I think one of them may be Frau Viv Squiggle!
Aw congratulations! How big is your flock altogether? There used to be a flock on the fields at the back of my parents' house when I was growing up but they ended up relocating because the sheep kept falling into the (fortunately shallow) lakes and then if one did it they all had to. Was a shame cos it was lovely to see all the lambs.
I've never heard of them, but I did some triangulating - this sort of thing? If you search tiras de caramelos you'll see more brands.
They seem to mostly appear on nostalgia sites or Jack-esque tweets about the good old days of sweets.
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