Escape into the Tea & Sympathy Support room.

[Chita]

Oh yes. The old "Look what a nice person you've rejected" routine. That's the scam abusers (not saying your ex was an abuser, just a very confused temperamental person) use to bind people to them and call 'escapees' back into line. But you sound strong. Stay firm on this.
Even though I don't know the guy I certainly know the type. The tantrums only escalate. Best make a clean break while you still have some happy memories and won't feel the years were wasted entirely.

Just thinking about @Sunflower91 having to fetch that package.....
Might be an idea to have someone go with you when you pick it up. One of your parents perhaps, just to sit outside in the car so you can just collect the package and get out of there quickly and have someone there in case he a] kicks off or b] puts on a charm offensive and tries to sweet-talk you and play with your mind.
Just a thought.

 

[Sunflower91]

Just thinking about @Sunflower91 having to fetch that package.....
Might be an idea to have someone go with you when you pick it up. One of your parents perhaps, just to sit outside in the car so you can just collect the package and get out of there quickly and have someone there in case he a] kicks off or b] puts on a charm offensive and tries to sweet-talk you and play with your mind.
Just a thought.

I did think about that but thankfully he doesn’t want to be in when I go collect it. Sounds like he’s scared of me or something tried to reassure him t

Oh yes. The old "Look what a nice person you've rejected" routine. That's the scam abusers (not saying your ex was an abuser, just a very confused temperamental person) use to bind people to them and call 'escapees' back into line. But you sound strong. Stay firm on this.
Even though I don't know the guy I certainly know the type. The tantrums only escalate. Best make a clean break while you still have some happy memories and won't feel the years were wasted entirely.

My ex before this one was abusive and I was stuck with him for 6 years. It’s part of the reason I knew I had to end things with this guy before they had chance to turn toxic. My biggest fear getting into this relationship is that I’d go through the same things again. Ive had a hell of a lot of therapy, which I’m really thankful for. It definitely helped me see and process what was going on. I just feel sorry for him to be honest, it’s very sad that he clearly can’t handle or process what’s going on in his head- he’s not had the best life (not an excuse at all but something I think contributes) like his mum chose men over him all his life, didn’t know his dad, was in the forces on the front lines. I think he’s a very confused, anxious and sad man who needs some serious counselling. But I know the worst mistake I could make is thinking I could fix someone like him - I’m not a therapist.

 

[Chita]

I did think about that but thankfully he doesn’t want to be in when I go collect it. Sounds like he’s scared of me or something tried to reassure him t


My ex before this one was abusive and I was stuck with him for 6 years. It’s part of the reason I knew I had to end things with this guy before they had chance to turn toxic. My biggest fear getting into this relationship is that I’d go through the same things again. Ive had a hell of a lot of therapy, which I’m really thankful for. It definitely helped me see and process what was going on. I just feel sorry for him to be honest, it’s very sad that he clearly can’t handle or process what’s going on in his head- he’s not had the best life (not an excuse at all but something I think contributes) like his mum chose men over him all his life, didn’t know his dad, was in the forces on the front lines. I think he’s a very confused, anxious and sad man who needs some serious counselling. But I know the worst mistake I could make is thinking I could fix someone like him - I’m not a therapist.

You sound like your therapy has worked. Excellent. Next relationship will break ypour pattern and wont be with someone with a personality disorder.


Back when I used to take other people's worries to heart and sometimes suffer alongside them a friend once told me "stop doing that. You are not a charity."

Wise words. That wise friend sadly died in April 2020 because the covid restrictions meant her chemo treatment was halted and only 11 people were allowed to attend her funeral.

What with everything we all have to cope with and this crappy 18 months of covid nightmare we are all amazing to be still standing up and getting on with our lives.

Sometimes we don't appreciate just how strong we are.

Well done @Sunflower91 you've been amazing in your handling of this.

 

[Kittypops]

I'm several posts behind, I cant bear to read what has gone before
So I'm going to carry on as normal xxx

I've taken three days out of life

 

[Tattyfilarious]

We are strong - that's why we're here; ladies and gents who have suffered from adversity in life. Let's try and help each other x

I'm no therapist, I just have experience of life

Not always pretty, and certainly not privileged

Take care everyone

 

[Miscanthus]

I folded the laundry today! I did it! Even put another load in for tomorrow to catch up. Also made a real (microwaved but actual food- rice, peas, cubed tofu) dinner. I’m writing out a new sticky note for my mirror for tomorrow. Thank you for the long distance support, all.

I totally agree with @freda19
She always talks sense!
I suffered from depression many years ago. When you are in it you can't imagine getting out but you have taken the first step and got medical help. That's a rope ladder to get out of the pit. Baby steps now and be kind to yourself. Concentrate on the triumphs not the negatives. You can do this

 

[Tattyfilarious]

Nasty things happen in life - and, if you can, you just have to make the best of it

I've been in the black hole - don't want any of you to be there

Nearly destroyed me and my marriage

 

[Sweetgirl89]

This might sound stupid. Is it ok to be tired when your life isn't as hectic as someone else's or busy. Everyone gets tired it's normal.

I keep things to myself and never say to someone how I'm feeling. Don't think anyone in my family has noticed I never talk about feeling tired. Feel like I have no right.

I think of all the exhausted parents I know and feel I don't have a right to be tired. When others are more tired I feel ashamed to feel tired which is normal for a person to be.

My sister this week is very busy rushing here and there. Up very early. Has to take care of a young child too and last few days she is exhausted.
I feel a little tired. No where near hers.

I'd feel ashamed and guilty for feeling tired if it makes sense. I never say I'm tired.

I also know just cause sombody has a couple of kids or are busy it doesn't stop you from being tired too.

We're all human.

 

[Sunflower91]

You sound like your therapy has worked. Excellent. Next relationship will break ypour pattern and wont be with someone with a personality disorder.


Back when I used to take other people's worries to heart and sometimes suffer alongside them a friend once told me "stop doing that. You are not a charity."

Wise words. That wise friend sadly died in April 2020 because the covid restrictions meant her chemo treatment was halted and only 11 people were allowed to attend her funeral.

What with everything we all have to cope with and this crappy 18 months of covid nightmare we are all amazing to be still standing up and getting on with our lives.

Sometimes we don't appreciate just how strong we are.

Well done @Sunflower91 you've been amazing in your handling of this.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much this year. And to come though it all being such a lovely warm hearted human being- that takes a lot of strength and resilience
I like to believe we go through hardships in life but will always end up on the path we were meant to be on in the end.

This might sound stupid. Is it ok to be tired when your life isn't as hectic as someone else's or busy. Everyone gets tired it's normal.

I keep things to myself and never say to someone how I'm feeling. Don't think anyone in my family has noticed I never talk about feeling tired. Feel like I have no right.

I think of all the exhausted parents I know and feel I don't have a right to be tired. When others are more tired I feel ashamed to feel tired which is normal for a person to be.

My sister this week is very busy rushing here and there. Up very early. Has to take care of a young child too and last few days she is exhausted.
I feel a little tired. No where near hers.

I'd feel ashamed and guilty for feeling tired if it makes sense. I never say I'm tired.

I also know just cause sombody has a couple of kids or are busy it doesn't stop you from being tired too.

We're all human.

It is 100% absolutely okay to be tired. I think the world we live in is constantly telling us to be doing things and have side hustles and ignore when we need to just sit and decompress. Life is exhausting sometimes no matter your circumstances

 

[Sweetgirl89]

@Sunflower91 thank you

 

[Chita]

This might sound stupid. Is it ok to be tired when your life isn't as hectic as someone else's or busy. Everyone gets tired it's normal.

I keep things to myself and never say to someone how I'm feeling. Don't think anyone in my family has noticed I never talk about feeling tired. Feel like I have no right.

I think of all the exhausted parents I know and feel I don't have a right to be tired. When others are more tired I feel ashamed to feel tired which is normal for a person to be.

My sister this week is very busy rushing here and there. Up very early. Has to take care of a young child too and last few days she is exhausted.
I feel a little tired. No where near hers.

I'd feel ashamed and guilty for feeling tired if it makes sense. I never say I'm tired.

I also know just cause sombody has a couple of kids or are busy it doesn't stop you from being tired too.

We're all human.

When you are constantly battling with that chattering anxiety chimp in your head and trying to focus on being positive instead of negative and when you have to force yourself to even get out bed in the mornings - it is tiring.

Its mental exhaustion.

So its understandable that you/we feel tired.

The thing is to not feel guilty or to beat yourself up about it.
Just accept that it happens.
Xxx

 

[Chita]

I need to go deep here, friends. Need to learn about your experiences and solutions....
Has anyone lost someone to suicide?
Or has anyone successfully helped someone come back from the brink of suicide?

1) someone who is feeling suicidal -
If you can see someone you love who is losing the will to live and having more empty days than ok days because they have lost all hope, how did you help them to pull back from the edge?


2) if you know someone who's partner took their own life -
how do you help them deal with that type of loss?
sorry to get so heavy, but looking for your thoughts on these two scenarios, especially if you have personally experienced either situation.



PS on a lighter note. That coconut oil and the Burt's Bees cuticle balm seem to be helping my nails to grow.

 

[Tattyfilarious]

I really have no advice, and don't know what to say - but, in the depths of depression, you forget about the people that you love and who love you back; you just become very self-absorbed; not pretty

I am on the other side now, just about - always in the background though.
The thought that keeps me going is that I never want to be in that soul destroying place again.
Lots of love to you all

Just got tickets for Genesis - happy days

 

[Tattyfilarious]

Life's for the living - I refuse to be beyond having a good time, and enjoying the (often complicated) that I have x

Life is complicated - no easy solution. I wish for every one of you that you have someone who loves you x

Life is complicated - no easy solution. I wish for every one of you that you have someone who loves you x

Life is complicated - no easy solution. I wish for every one of you that you have someone who loves you x

There is life beyond an abusive partnership, and life forwards. It can be done - believe in yourself x

Not my hubby btw! Love of my life x

It saddens me to think that any of you feel worthless - you're not; you are part of the great trapesty of life and sometimes it doesn't go well x

 

[Maggiemaynot]

@Chita I have agonised on whether to post this or not. But I’ll take a deep breath and do it.
My younger brother killed himself over twenty years ago now. It was totally unexpected for us all. There were no signs, no warnings, he was just as he normally was.
All I can say is, it destroyed us as a family. After the initial shock of receiving the news, the overwhelming feeling I had was anger. That he could do this and put us all through this heartache.
My parents died a couple of years later within months of each other. Ostensibly of natural causes but I know they died of broken hearts. We found out much later that he was in severe financial difficulties due to a gambling problem.
The worst thing for me was that the last time I saw him we had an argument that ended in him storming off.
I still feel the guilt of that but I also still feel anger for what he did. If he had told us then of course we would have tried to help but he didn’t.
So even though it was many years ago there is still that guilt ,that anger, that sorrow that it could have been fixed if only he’d opened up.
In spite of all that, I can now look back and laugh at memories of funny things he did and said and the bond between us but I don’t think the heartache will ever completely leave.
He left a very big hole that can never be filled and that is so sad when I think of how we could have helped but never got that chance.
And this guilt I will carry for ever.

Good for you and your nails. Mine are all bitten and rough. Even when I try to grow them they split when they get even a little bit longer so then of course I have to bite them again!

 

[Tattyfilarious]

First like Freda!

@Chita I have agonised on whether to post this or not. But I’ll take a deep breath and do it.
My younger brother killed himself over twenty years ago now. It was totally unexpected for us all. There were no signs, no warnings, he was just as he normally was.
All I can say is, it destroyed us as a family. After the initial shock of receiving the news, the overwhelming feeling I had was anger. That he could do this and put us all through this heartache.
My parents died a couple of years later within months of each other. Ostensibly of natural causes but I know they died of broken hearts. We found out much later that he was in severe financial difficulties due to a gambling problem.
The worst thing for me was that the last time I saw him we had an argument that ended in him storming off.
I still feel the guilt of that but I also still feel anger for what he did. If he had told us then of course we would have tried to help but he didn’t.
So even though it was many years ago there is still that guilt ,that anger, that sorrow that it could have been fixed if only he’d opened up.
In spite of all that, I can now look back and laugh at memories of funny things he did and said and the bond between us but I don’t think the heartache will ever completely leave.
He left a very big hole that can never be filled and that is so sad when I think of how we could have helped but never got that chance.
And this guilt I will carry for ever.

Good for you and your nails. Mine are all bitten and rough. Even when I try to grow them they split when they get even a little bit longer so then of course I have to bite them again!

It's not your guilt, please let it go (I've had to)
My Dad died when I was nine-years old - there was nothing that Mum and I could do (type 1 diabetic, kidney failure - Dad died during a kidney transplant). He was 32-years old

My husband's going to kill me when he gets the bill for the Genesis tickets

 

[Chita]

@Chita I have agonised on whether to post this or not. But I’ll take a deep breath and do it.
My younger brother killed himself over twenty years ago now. It was totally unexpected for us all. There were no signs, no warnings, he was just as he normally was.
All I can say is, it destroyed us as a family. After the initial shock of receiving the news, the overwhelming feeling I had was anger. That he could do this and put us all through this heartache.
My parents died a couple of years later within months of each other. Ostensibly of natural causes but I know they died of broken hearts. We found out much later that he was in severe financial difficulties due to a gambling problem.
The worst thing for me was that the last time I saw him we had an argument that ended in him storming off.
I still feel the guilt of that but I also still feel anger for what he did. If he had told us then of course we would have tried to help but he didn’t.
So even though it was many years ago there is still that guilt ,that anger, that sorrow that it could have been fixed if only he’d opened up.
In spite of all that, I can now look back and laugh at memories of funny things he did and said and the bond between us but I don’t think the heartache will ever completely leave.
He left a very big hole that can never be filled and that is so sad when I think of how we could have helped but never got that chance.
And this guilt I will carry for ever.

Good for you and your nails. Mine are all bitten and rough. Even when I try to grow them they split when they get even a little bit longer so then of course I have to bite them again!

Thankyou for posting. I appreciate you opening up and I feel for you. Its so tough.




The one whose husband took his life has now agreed to get some counselling.
Luckily private therapy is an option so she doesn't have to wait for the NHS.
So that's a big relief and it will start soon. I am relieved about that because I know therapy works and helps us cope.

When a partner passes on it makes the soul ache, as we have discussed before in the thread.
I think when the passing is by their own hand it must be even harder to take and I don't know how to help with that because as you say @Maggiemaynot guilt comes into play.
Could it have been prevented?

And anger.
Why didnt they ask for help? Why didnt they GET help?


The other loved one is spiralling down and is trying to fight it - but their eyes are getting that empty look and so far they are resisting professional help. This one would need NHS therapy because loss of work and lack of money is part of the cause of their depression. So no money for private therapy.
Others are trying to help but theyve never had mental health problems of their own so they dont know how to help.

Im doing my best to keep them "up" but Im starting to lose patience because I'm not seeing progress.
Its those empty eyes. They arent there every day - which gives me hope that I can keep them from the edge - but I also panic when the empty eyes look is there because I know its a sign.
And I can feel myself getting angry because they refuse to even talk to a Doctor.

And they take my anger and impatience as another reason to end it all because they are upsetting me and others who love them.

You have to be so careful because when they get to this state they are so sensitive - but Im only human.

This is why I eat chocolate and biscuits. My comfort during difficult times.
And thank goodness for Tattle and the fab people who come in here and into the other threads I spend time in.
Tattle stops me feeling so alone.

But, today's another day.
I take a deep breath and see what it has in store.
Xxx

 

[Miscanthus]

I really have no advice, and don't know what to say - but, in the depths of depression, you forget about the people that you love and who love you back; you just become very self-absorbed; not pretty

I am on the other side now, just about - always in the background though.
The thought that keeps me going is that I never want to be in that soul destroying place again.
Lots of love to you all

Just got tickets for Genesis - happy days

I absolutey agree that depression makes you self absorbed..but you are in survival mode!
I kept a packet of pills and every time I felt the symptoms I would look at them and promise myself never to go back to that dark place..like you Tatty....and I would get through it.
Yay! Genesis! Enjoy!

 

[CherryAcid]

Has anyone else just been surrounded by awful stuff these past 2 years? Everyone I know has had something tragic happen and its not slowing down. My nan was taken to a&e this morning and my mum told me that when she was in hospital last year she saved up her meds as she wanted to end her life as she couldnt see a way out. Although shes still not recovered and unable to walk yet, she is getting better. A couple of hours ago im at work and and my mum rings me to tell me that my nanna is dying and that we have to be prepared. I'm so fed up of all this, when does it get better? It just seems like when things start quieting down for a few weeks something else happens.

ETA and i cant help but think that when the time comes my mum will be unable to attend her funeral as she is still bedbound.

 

[Chita]

Has anyone else just been surrounded by awful stuff these past 2 years? Everyone I know has had something tragic happen and its not slowing down. My nan was taken to a&e this morning and my mum told me that when she was in hospital last year she saved up her meds as she wanted to end her life as she couldnt see a way out. Although shes still not recovered and unable to walk yet, she is getting better. A couple of hours ago im at work and and my mum rings me to tell me that my nanna is dying and that we have to be prepared. I'm so fed up of all this, when does it get better? It just seems like when things start quieting down for a few weeks something else happens.

ETA and i cant help but think that when the time comes my mum will be unable to attend her funeral as she is still bedbound.

When my friend died last April during the severe lockdown restrictions & only 11 people were allowed to attend, the Funeral Directors kindly filmed the service in the crematorium and uploaded it to their website.
People were given a password to view it later. If your Mum is still bedbound, maybe something similar could be arranged for her?