Okay, I’ll pop a Valium and do a quick recap of the last week. Assuming most of us are up to speed on the general clusterfuck that is her life… yo yo yo, here’s what’s been going on lately with everyone’s favourite Size 16 but could easily size down, I just like it a bit roomier, girl.
In a pathetic attempt at creating a warm, loving environment for her kids, EL renovated the bedrooms, which was actually just a thinly veiled bit of sponcon for $7000 worth of new beds. The slowest painter in the world was hired to paint the walls a cheerful shade of stark white. They got some new sheets and $7 IKEA light shades, but the technicolor 70’s vomit carpet remained, sadly, unchanged. Because of the fumes (presumably from the paint, but could just be a flare up of the yeast infection), the kids spent a disproportionate amount of time with Aaron. It’s safe to assume they absolutely thrived and felt loved and ate food not covered in pink salt and peppercorn cherry sauce.
One night, EL invited herself over to Alove’s for a swim in yet another piece of spontaneous sponcon, promoting a one piece swimsuit that we all agreed was a delightful colour, but allowed us to see every emotional and physical crack she has. After not being able to bomb dive “since the surgery” (but also…. Winter & Autumn?!), she treated the entire internet to something that provided endless lols and bulk screenshots. We are forever grateful.
Sage has had enough and WE ARE ALL HERE FOR IT. On a recent story, he was wearing a Santa hat which EL very aggressively announced to him that her career paid for. He corrected her, reminding her very proudly that his Dad bought the hat, and she barked at him and shamed Aaron’s existence by saying that she gives Aaron whatever money he uses to buy things, which is some low-rent fuckwittery. We all collectively wished we could hug Sage and tell him to keep dishing out the sass.
Sage also requested a birthday that didn’t involve her bullshit, and she’s been full of contempt about it ever since. How dare he want a party not at home. How dare he not want to have his emotions filmed for Instagram. And HOW VERY DARE HE ask for a non-buttercream cake! EL got literal hours of pointless content when she last made a cake for the girls. Sage just wanted a basketball cake, but that’s hard to do with buttercream, so she out-sourced and he subtly hated it.
I’m not going to go into the big “meltdown” because it’s not fair on the poor kid and the only person who had a “meltdown” was bleeping Emmylou. To summarise, her disconnection from her children has peaked - she cannot stand to be alone, but they seem to genuinely enjoy being with Aaron, so she’s forcing & squeezing herself on them like a badly sized denim skirt. Sage sees what’s happening and it’s sad - once all of these kids are old enough to tell her to duck off, she’s going to look back at her empty life and wish she’d done things more authentically. Sure, be an influencer, but not at the expense of your children.
